just a little crush or emotional affair?

[wheresmyheadat]

Hi, I am a regular but have namechanged.

I need you to come and give me a firm talking to, I am a bit all over the place at the moment and need some friendly advice.

Bottom line is, I have developed feelings for someone at work. We talk a lot and send the occasional email, possibly slightly flirty but nothing I wouldn't want my dh to read. We don't text, don't have eachothers numbers and I am intending to keep if that way!

Problem is, I think about him, a lot. I would never to anything to hurt my family but I feel bad that work guy is in my head so much. Is this just a crush and will it pass on it's own or am I being really bad and disloyal and if so what can I do to get him out of my head and make this go away?

I welcome all suggestions! I know that some of you have gone through similar situations, did the feelings go away or did any of you act on them? I don't know if he likes me, he touches my arm a lot when we speak and he stands quite close to me. I just hate feeling like a silly teenager, I'm a married mother of 2 ffs! Proverbial buckets of cold water this way please!

sounds like a crush....try to look for behaviour that you don't like in him, or look for waxy ears or nostril hairs, lol.

i'm guessing that if that doesn't make it pass, it could be more than a crush.....but at the moment its one sided, and only you (and us!) know about it... don't worry yet...

yeah good idea thanks for that, will try to picture him on the bog or with skiddy pants! Of course I am treated to the sight of dh on the bog on a regular basis, lucky me! No wonder we go in for a bit of escapism!

Hi I saw your message and a thought popped into my head.
If work guy has a different idea of appropriate personal space he might be standing too close or touching you a lot just because that is what he does, not because he is being flirty.
My DH had a colleague like that and I got very confusing messages off him when we met even though there was nothing between us at all.
You might ask others in the work place if he stands too close to them too, that might be revealing.
Either way, you need to see this as a dangerous threat to your marriage and back off. I'm sure WWIFN would advise affair proofing your relationship and not having any special friendship with this guy that could lead to trouble.
Hope you can work through it, with all best wishes, When...tea

Yeah I was thinking that, I should watch closely when he talks to others and see if he stands close to them and touches their arms etc. Didn't want to ask them outright coz then they might guess I kind of fancy him and I have a v gossipy office!

make yourself go off him! hes probably touchy- flirty guy and your misreading hes signals!

Don't tell him whatever you do. It's your responsibility to keep this your secret, not let on in any way, and just enjoy the conversations or whatever you get from him because it's not like you'll never see him unless you act on your passing feelings.

This is really common, it does pass and it isn't worth any hassle, but the way you handle it is important.

Doesn't always pass.

That's what I told myself.

Nearly lost everything because I was in denial for so long and by the time I admitted to myself what was going on I was up to my eyes in it.

Just stop it now. Not worth the pain, honestly.

Sorry Tawdry

Fwiw I was only talking from my own experience...I liked someone for about a year, on and off, it kind of waxed and waned and I never took it further and neither did he. We spoke almost every day about crap, but nobody said how they felt or made any moves or even really flirted.

It depends on how seriously you take the feelings as to whether you think it's worth acting on/waiting for etc etc

If you know the person is very, very special and important to you in a way your husband is not, and feel more at peace with the person than you do at home, maybe you should think about it/ But if not then just try and dismiss it as a silly infatuation which happens to everyone now and then.

Don't apologise, Flight, we're doing okay

I think you're dead on in your last paragraph. I think you know when it's a silly crush or whether it's something significant you should pay attention to - and by that, I mean take seriously as a threat to your marriage and think about how you can make that marriage better.

I'm maybe a bit raw

Thanks tawdry and flight for sharing your experiences. I take it tawdry that you regret taking it further?

The thing is, what i like about work guy is that we have so much in common in terms of our interests whereas dh and i don't have anything in common now really. It's great to talk to someone who's as passionate as you are about the same stuff, dh isn't interested. As I'm not particularly interested in what he's into. No-one's fault, think we've just grown apart over the years in that way. We got together quite young, before we'd really developed properly as adults I think.

So as far as the gaps in the relationship this is filling, I think that's probably a major one.

A slippery slope, that's just what it feels like I'm on. I know to an extent it is normal to develop little crushes/infatuations and that most of the time they pass naturally. I just worry that this is something a bit more, I really don't know to be that person though you know? But sometimes I just think, what if we'd be amazing together?

He does have a gf that he lives with, so as far as concentrating on things I don't like about him I think touching a work colleague who is married with kids when you have a partner yourself is hardly one his finest qualities! Although like usedtobe says, maybe he's just that sort of guy and I am wildly misreading the signals.

Well, wheres, that's a difficult one.

I try not to have any regrets in life, as I think everything happens for a reason, and the reason will always become clear in the end.

But...

I don't ever want to witness anything like the pain I put my dh through when I confessed to my affair EVER again, and the repercussions for all our lives are huge.

I also have the pain of severing the attachment to the other man, which was real, which is hard to deal with when trying to make a marriage better.

On the other hand, our marriage was in the doldrums, and since my confession we have both worked SO hard to make things better, and it seems things are on the up.

I was exactly where you are now. The other man and I seemed got on so well, had common interests, laughed a lot, there was physical attraction...seemed like so much more than my marriage, somehow.

But with the benefit of hindsight, I can see that the affair was very much a symptom of what had gone wrong at home, all of which is fixable. It just takes a lot of work, and for both of you to be on board. The affair was a short -term fix, but ultimately was never going to be the answer.

My advice would be to turn your attention to what you can do to fix your marriage. It might not be fixable, but you need to make that decision with a clear head, which is never going to happen if you are thinking about someone else.

You need to actively look for something to have in common with your DH. Without that, when this crush passes you'll just find another. Yes, you married while you were still developing, but you haven't stopped developing, nor has he. Where there is life, there is always a chance for growth

thanks for that mary. I do love dh, i really do. It's just the same old story really, kids/housework/money/drudgery bringing thigs down. I am sure he feels the same. But although we may not have the same interests we do have the same values which is just as important if not more important, I have always felt.

I'm sure work guy is sympomatic of a general boredom and malaise with family life. Can't help getting the butterflies and looking forward to seeing him though. tawdry, I can totally see how these things get out of control. It sounds like you've had a really traumatic time of it, it's great that you and your dh are making things work now though.

I come on these boards quite a lot and read WWIFN and others' experiences of stupid, selfish, childish men who are thinking with their dicks and throwing away their beautiful wives and families for a fling with an OW at the office and I think oh shit, I'm like those men! I don't wanna be like those men!

You're not like those men. They don't agonise over what they are doing/might be about to do.

Enjoy the butterflies, but remember, the little buggers can turn into vultures when you're not looking

The factors that characterise an emotional affair are these:

When the friend knows more about your marriage than your spouse knows about the friend.
When you both start confiding in one another about your primary relationship.
When there is sexual chemistry.
When there is secrecy about the content of your communication.

This sounds like the stage between a crush and an emotional affair to me. There are still boundaries in place, as your communication is not secret. But it always starts with flirting, which signals that you or he are available to pursue something.

Before you developed this crush, answer honestly whether you would have said that you and your H had "grown apart" and lacked shared interests? Unfortunately, what sometimes happens in these situations is that people start finding justifications for getting involved that didn't exist before meeting the object of the crush.

If however this chasm in your marriage was pre-existing, recognise that you are both vulnerable to an affair. Therefore, you need to have an honest conversation with your H about revitalising your marriage and bridging the gap. I'd wager that if an attractive woman who seemed to share his passions started touching him and flirting, your H would be much the same as you...thinking "what if?"

What would you want your H to do in such circumstances?

Cross-posted. You are not a bad person. Good people have crushes and affairs, emotional and physical ones. You are a remarkable self-aware person, because you are questioning your behaviour and recognising the danger signs. You are actually giving yourself and your H an enormous gift in the process. What people never tell you about affairs is how much they damage the betrayer as well as those in their life. You are in fact, protecting yourself from untold harm.

I really do recommend having an honest chat with your H about this whole episode. If your H thinks about it, he would be so grateful that he has a wife who recognised the danger signs and took it as a wake-up call and agent of change. There are thousands of people who would cut their right arm off for that gift.

'Before you developed this crush, answer honestly whether you would have said that you and your H had "grown apart" and lacked shared interests? Unfortunately, what sometimes happens in these situations is that people start finding justifications for getting involved that didn't exist before meeting the object of the crush.'

Hi WWIFN, that is a really interesting point and one I had been thinking about too. There are things that dh had done over the years, and things that he's said to me that were pretty shitty - but things now are for most part ok/pretty good between us. I am very wary not to start justifying anything by dwelling on any problems dh and I have had in the past.

To answer the questions, had we 'grown apart' - would probably have answered not really, maybe a little bit. Did we 'lack shared interests' - would have probably answered yes.

I wouldn't be surprised at all if dh has had a similar thing cross his mind in the past tbh.

With those definitions I would say no, this is not an EA, at least not yet as I do not discuss my marriage with work guy at all. he knows I am married with kids, that's it. I would say there is sexual chemistry though yeah, even if only in my head!

Okay.....that's honest of you and reinforces how self-aware you are.

But don't go convincing yourself that since this is not an EA, you can be passive and do nothing, will you?

i think it likely that many people develop a bit of an interest in people outside their marriage over the course of time. my dh and i have accepted that this prob will happen to us both. but it is indeed how you deal with it- not engaging any thoughts on it and keeping contact with that person to the absolute minimum. then it has every chance of going away. i think it is dangerous to think this only happens in bad marriages coz that is the time people think so their relationship must be bad and it might be worth leaving for that other person. cut contact and work at choosing to love your dh. it has every chance of getting this om out of your head. the phase can pass but you need to be so very strong and work at it for the sake of your marriage.

Hello I'm new.......
Just wanted to contribute from a different perspective. 8 years ago I was in a v.similar situation. Happily married, kids etc. I met someone TOTALLY inappropriate, 12 years younger for starters. We had a long standing 'friendship' lots of talking, texts but purely platonic. I felt like a fool, in my thirties with a stupid crush. Anyway, to cut a long story short... we are now together, he is my soulmate, a fantastic step Dad to my kids and has a good relationship with my ex?! Life is weird sometimes, I hope your ok wheresmyheadat?

Hello I'm new.......
Just wanted to contribute from a different perspective. 8 years ago I was in a v.similar situation. Happily married, kids etc. I met someone TOTALLY inappropriate, 12 years younger for starters. We had a long standing 'friendship' lots of talking, texts but purely platonic. I felt like a fool, in my thirties with a stupid crush. Anyway, to cut a long story short... we are now together, he is my soulmate, a fantastic step Dad to my kids and has a good relationship with my ex?! Life is weird sometimes, I hope your ok wheresmyheadat?

wow sundaesmile - sounds like everything worked out for you then, unfortunately I expect your situation is the minority as from what I've read on here the fall out from affairs is usually catastrophic. Thanks for your perspective, hope it won't encourage me to start daydreaming about a life with work guy though!

Yeah I think I am pretty self aware, actually there was another guy I took an interest in a while back and that passed on it's own when I did nothing about it. I remember rationalising it by saying to myself I was just projecting what I wanted my marriage to be like onto someone else and I feel nothing for him at all now but this just feels, different somehow. It's probably not though.

I wonder if I should talk to dh, or show him this thread even? Is that a fucking stupid idea though?

Talk to him, definitely. Before my affair I had a little crush that came to nothing...I wish I had realised it was a massive warning sign and acted on it, instead of ignoring it, only to get in deeper next time.

The universe has a habit of presenting you with the same lesson over and over again, louder and louder, until you bloody well listen, in my opinion.

Good that you are listening. This could be a really good thing for your marriage, while avoiding all the pain of an affair.

It wasn't all easy, telling the children was heartbreaking and some 'friends' weren't exactly kind and thoughtful! It was in no way an affair, I was happy with my ex up until the 'crush' and I think my honesty and being very patient helped with what was still a very sad split.
I remember wanting so desperately to know what I should do for the best, I feel for you I really do. Maybe talking to your dh about your marriage would help but maybe not a great idea to mention anything else, although I guess it depends what he's like?