just a little crush or emotional affair?

[wheresmyheadat]

Hi, I am a regular but have namechanged.

I need you to come and give me a firm talking to, I am a bit all over the place at the moment and need some friendly advice.

Bottom line is, I have developed feelings for someone at work. We talk a lot and send the occasional email, possibly slightly flirty but nothing I wouldn't want my dh to read. We don't text, don't have eachothers numbers and I am intending to keep if that way!

Problem is, I think about him, a lot. I would never to anything to hurt my family but I feel bad that work guy is in my head so much. Is this just a crush and will it pass on it's own or am I being really bad and disloyal and if so what can I do to get him out of my head and make this go away?

I welcome all suggestions! I know that some of you have gone through similar situations, did the feelings go away or did any of you act on them? I don't know if he likes me, he touches my arm a lot when we speak and he stands quite close to me. I just hate feeling like a silly teenager, I'm a married mother of 2 ffs! Proverbial buckets of cold water this way please!

My first instinct would be not to say anything directly, but show him with my actions how I want things to be if that makes sense.

That must have been so hard for you to split up your family, sounds like you made the right call in the end though. That's what I dread happening, my kids being devastated just because mummy got bored/itchy feet. Did they get over it ok? Well done for not being disloyal and cheating on your h, sounds like you did the decent thing and ended your marriage first - that must have taken a lot of guts.

I am generally quite a pragmatic person, all this navel gazing is kind of embarrassing and has taken me by surprise a bit.

I must say I'm pleasantly surprised you're all being so nice, I thought I was gonna get told to grow up and get a grip! Still time for that though.

Showing your H this thread is not a bad idea at all. I really like Tawdry's explanation about being sent a sign that gets louder and more threatening if it's not heeded.

She's right too that this could really strengthen your marriage, not weaken it.

Bit baffled about Sundae's situation - it definitely wasn't an affair? Do you mean a physical one rather than an emotional one, because I can't imagine you ended your marriage for a crush? Emotional infidelity is just as much an affair as the physical or combined type.

wheresmyheadat

I have only had time to read the OP but I would say the following (as the wife of someone who has just had an affair with a colleague who was also in a relationship with DCs). I have read lots about this kind of thing on MN due to my situation.

Anyway, this happens when you spend loads of time with someone - often termed "mating in captivity" because you are "captive" with the person in the office. You chose to marry your DH but this bloke is just there through circumstance and the feelings are artifial usually for this reason. Obvioulsly some people meet at work, live happily ever after etc, but you are already married so it is likely this is just a "work thing".

You must not think of this man anymore, don't send flirty emails etc. If your thoughts must wander, consider you splitting with your DH, your DCs having this guy as a stepfather, your DH getting them a new stepmother...try to consider harsh realities.

This may sound heavy, but it all starts from a simple "harmless" flirtation like you describe. You have done well to take stock of the situation at this stage so please make the decision not to continue.

My DH's affair started just like this and he and his mistress have now torn apart 2 families and hurt countless others. He has realised that what I have described above is actually the case and he has come crawling back to me. Things can never be the same again, though, because he was not wise enough to realise what was going on.

Not to mention the professional consequences.

Also meant to say, showing your H by actions might not get the result you need, OP. If your H is a bit complacent, nothing jolts people more than the risk of infidelity and actually, it is a bit disingenuous not telling all.

You've probably read countless threads now about men who give their wives a list of what's wrong with the marriage, all the time hiding the fact that they are either having an affair, or have identified a likely affair partner. Much better to be honest, because you haven't done anything wrong and what you're feeling is normal.

Thats exactly how I felt! Like a total idiot, dismissed it as an early mid life crisis but it became harder to ignore!
The kids were mostly fine but I think only because there was no conflict. They got to know my dp v.gradually and I have never been anything but positive about my ex. I don't think having guts came into it, at the time I was just falling madly in love but of course I still have days when I feel guilty. I think if I hadn't met him, my ex and I would still be ticking along ok.
People are being nice but then I guess we've all had similar feelings. You sound like your being sensible and realistic about your situation, I hope things go well with your dh : )

Hi, wheresmyheadat, I've read this thread with a lot of interest as I have had two major crushes in the past 10 years, despite being avery long way pst teenage years. The first wasn't reciprocated but the second more recent one was - to an extent. It was a friendship/business relationship - my marriage was solid but dull and boring - DH preoccupied with work; teen kids not needing me so much. We kind of hit on each other, did a bit of texting, a few little meet-ups for coffee etc. The four factors whenwillifeelnormal mentions were all present.I'm sure he saw me as a nice friend, a friend with benefits too but I let the crush get out of hand and totally fell for him. From my side it was an emotional affair. He just wasn't that bothered about me, I can see that now, and eventually ceased contact with me, leaving me devastated.
Tawdry makes some excellent points - I should have learned my lesson with the first crush; this second one has been a real wake-up call to address what's lacking in my 20+ year marriage. Also (although I feel I was a much more extreme case than you are) I am seeing a counsellor to try and get a handle on why I have these crushes, and such violent ones at that! I seem to get worse with age. I am now thinking of talking to my DH about the second crush because I hate the idea of having this secret life he doesn'y know about.
So my advice having been there and got my fingers burnt, and having been left feeling let down, abandoned and rejected, is please think twice about acting on your crush and redirect your efforts into reinvigorating your marriage with your DH's co-operation of course. I really wish you well.

Don't get drunk together ie avoid work nights out!

Hello whenwillI, you and many others are talking a lot of sense but in response to your question (and yes, I understand why you would be baffled! ) it really wasn't what you could describe as an affair. I saw him and had that heart stopping, knocked off my feet feeling that I'm sure you have all experienced?! It made me feel very sad, as I think I knew then the implications, even though we didn't get together for many years. We were friends and I basically had a huge crush on him and just knew that I would love him madly if we were together, which is why I wanted to respond to wheresmyhead. My marriage kind of crumbled quite rapidly and only after this did he confess how he felt.
I realise that my situation is maybe unusual but the subject is one v.close to my heart. Good luck, I really hope everything works out, its crappy feeling guilty and confused!

izquierda - thanks for sharing your experience, that sounds almost identical to mine and tawdry's in that we had a small, more insignificant one at first and then another one that came along and knocked us sideways!

Although I haven't told work guy about my crush (and I don't intend to either OMG fuck that!)I can still see myself being hurt if he rejected me, or I suppose just by seeing him and being freinds but never being able to tell him or take it any further. I think maybe he does like me but in a friendly way and I would look like such an idiot for getting the wrong idea.

umma you are so right, that has always been my advice to friends who have had work crushes in the past, just don't get drunk together whatever you do!

Two words: Threesome.

Hi again, wheresmyheadat, hope you are okay. Just following on from your last post, no I would say don't tell him. My problems all started because I let the "crushee" know I was interested - my story was slightly different as he had shown an interest in me. Unfortunately for me, once I "gave him the green light" as it were, he seemed to back off a bit and although we did take things a bit further, with hindsight it was mainly at my instigation. Unfortunately I seem to have this rather obsessive personality and am like a dog with a bone so I kept on encouraging him. It all looks rather sad in hindsight. From what I've gathered you sound so much more level headed than I was (I was also peri-menopausal at the time - still am, God help me! No excuse really but hormones definitely out of sync!)- so I am sure you've got a good attitude and can nip it in the bud. I think, as per your second paragraph I have ended up looking an idiot at very least to myself; my self esteem has been battered and it was of my own making - though I still think the guy was a bit of a shit and could have let me down less cruelly. The main difference is I don't work with the guy, so I would counsel you to be very careful, cos if anything did happen you might still have to face him on a daily basis!
It is a difficult one though; my own long haul marriage has lots of advantages but my DH simply doesn't put in enough effort, in my opinion. I wish I could tell him about my liaison, not to hurt him (though it would!) but to try and get over to him how fed-up I've become. I am working on this by the way, but have concluded I mustn't ever tell him.
Anyway hope these ramblings might help a little and feel free to post back - happy to discuss more and support you xx

Sorry me again, just reread your original post - you make the distinction between crush and emotional affair. Just mulling this over, I failed to keep my experience just as a crush. I thought about the guy all the time, a lot of the time wasn't "present" for my family...once he and I had said to each other we fancied each other, it all tipped over very swiftly into an EMA, for me that is, not for him, I'm sure he just saw me as, putting it poiltely, a bit of slap and tickle when he had time to fit me in!
Don't be like me, it hurts far too much, even nearly two years down the line and at my advanced age. Keep it filed under "crush" - it most probably will pass, especially if there's no specific encouragement from him.

I think one of the things about this type of situation is that you don't know what you are missing until someone else comes along who knocks your socks off. I think it is quite easy to be reasonably content in a long term relationship, a bit bored possibly, but comfortable with the situation and not in any way looking for any kind of outside relationship.

Then you can find your world turned upside down by someone. At this point difficult decisions have to be made as to whether to walk away from (possibly) the love of one's life, whether to risk having some kind of secretive emotional/physical relationship or whether to come to the conclusion that the marriage is fundamentally lacking in something and finish it before embarking on a new relationship which MIGHT be the love of your life but MIGHT just end up being a disappointment and you end up regretting chucking in the primary relationship.

Not easy - I think that as a society we are very dishonest about the difficulties of lifelong monogamy.

thanks for your posts, no real update at the moment. I haven't spoken to dh or shown him this thread, he's been away so have hardly seen him this week. Have been trying to keep cool around work guy but it's been hard, am starting to think yeah he does kind of like me too, he looks at me a lot and we just seem very aware of each others presence if we're in the same room, does that make sense? Like if I'm talking to someone else and he is too we're still just very conscious of eachother.

Of course, this could all just be my head. Like I said, he has a gf and it may not have crossed his mind that he's kind of flirty with me. He certainly doesn't have the intimate body language he has with me with out other colleagues though.

Obviously, I am also aware that daydreaming over whether or not he does fancy me is totally counter-productive! Am still definitely not gonna let him know, I think there's no way that could end well.

fabatforty - I so agree with you re monogamy. I just don't believe that human beings are meant to only live/sleep with one person forever if I'm honest. Of course there are many social benefits to being married but surely it just started as a religious thing really.

codlips - I like your idea a lot, although technically is one word surely?

a crush.
Don't act on it, it will pass. He will do something / wear something (yes a crush is that shallow) / say something that makes you realise they are not all that you perhaps thought!
I have had 2 of these and once it has passed I look back and think "phew, I am so glad I didn't try and take it further"!