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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i think OH has a 'victim mentality'

26 replies

booyhoo · 06/07/2010 22:55

and i told him he needs to take the responsibility for how his life is. if he cant, we can't be together anymore.

i have always known he blamed me for certain things in his life but i have let them go unchecked because he doesn't take critism well at all and because he hadn't mentioned them in so long i hoped maybe he had gotten over it.

he hasn't, it all came out yesterday in an argument on the phone, he ended up hanging up in bad temper so i sent him an email telling him straight that those things were all his decisions and that he needed to be an adult and own the decisions before we could go any further to sorting them out.

OP posts:

whatname · 07/07/2010 07:05

Good for you. Stick to your guns and nip it in the bud before it gets worse. Good luck. X

EcoMouse · 07/07/2010 07:41

Yes, stick with it.

The thing is, if he has poor coping mechanisms (projecting blame to avoid taking responsibility), is this not likely to crop up again? I don't mean to throw a spanner in the works for you. The step you've taken sounds strong and right but is he prepared to do some work on himself too? People who tend towards a 'Poor Me' mindset genuinely seem to find it nigh on impossible to view life any other way.

chattymitchie · 07/07/2010 08:33

google passive aggressive!

Original poster

booyhoo · 07/07/2010 12:09

yes chatty, alot of that rings true.

ecomouse, i dont know if he is. in fact i am pretty sure he wont understand what i am saying. i think he honestly believes i am to blame for the series of events that have led him to where he is now.

i know what this means for us and i knew it when i told him. i have been toing and froing about confronting him for a good while now but always convinced myself he had forgotten about it all, and that he had changed but the argument showed me he hadn't. i dont want to be his scapegoat any longer. it is so hard to know that this will most likely break up our family and i know i will get the blame for it (no surprise there)but I know it isn't just me and that is enough for me to know i am doing the right the thing. i haven't heard back from him but i dont know whether this means he is too busy or just doesn't know what to say.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 07/07/2010 12:34

good for you...stick yto your ultimatum...
he may not change tho - unless he really wants to.

Original poster

booyhoo · 07/07/2010 12:40

cestlavie, i dont even think he understands what i mean. he is able to say "yes i did that, but it was because of ..." rather than say, "yes i did that, it was my own choice, noone else is to blame"

he thinks taking responsibility is admitting you did something (which is true0 but taking responsibility is admitting you did something, admitting that what you did caused hurt to others, admitting that it was totally your own choice to do it, and apologising for it. i have never ever had that from him. i have had sulky admissions followed up with excuses as to why it wasn't his fault. i dont think he knows what taking responsibility is.

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EcoMouse · 07/07/2010 14:39

It truly sounds as though you are doing the right thing. If he can't step up and take responsibility (properly!), in effect, he would rather lay the blame with you. I'd find that an untenable situation if I knew I wasn't at fault too, particularly if it were to be thrown at me whenever the mood suited!

I hope you receive a response soon. If not, have you plans in place as to what to do next?

giveitago · 07/07/2010 15:13

Sounds like you've done the right thing now stick to you guns.

I say this because it's taking me a long time to realise my dh is the same and it's got to the point where not only is he a victim in his own life but also relies way way too much on me. He'd blame me for tripping in the street. I note that if we go out he runs outside leaving me to ensure everything is off at home so he has no responsbility there. A victim mentality will go hand in hand with a lack of personal responsibility and that's hard for a partner.

It's stressful and abusive actually - so stick to your guns.

cestlavielife · 07/07/2010 15:17

ah yes there is always an excuse... no he not going to take responsibility. not til he sees it anyway.

chattymitchie · 07/07/2010 15:21

my XP sounds exactly like yours ....

He just won't take any responsibility for anything. He used to say yes to stuff we were doing, then if I wanted to confirmed with him later, he'd say i'd MADE him say yes but that he had other stuff on ... so I'd say, no problem, just tell me yes or no, and he'd say, stop being so bullying and controlling you just want me to say yes ....

Eh????

He has never, ever accepted responsibility for anything, nothing is ever his fault. Ever. And he's always so hard done by, noone appreciates him, he does things for people and they're never grateful ...

chattymitchie · 07/07/2010 15:22

I googled 'Victim mentality' when I was trying to work out why he always acts like that, and that's when I found stuff about passive aggressive.

Original poster

booyhoo · 07/07/2010 15:57

" I note that if we go out he runs outside leaving me to ensure everything is off at home so he has no responsbility there"

this is something OH does aswell. i have also noticed how when he is here, he will get according to his own time schedule. eg, if he is going out to his mums with the boys for 11 he will get up and shower at half ten knowing that i will have seen to everything else. or if he suddenly decides he is going he will say he has to run down teh street for something and ask me to have the dcs ready to go by the time he gets back. even though i am not going and it is his idea to take them.

chatty OH does that aswell re the "you made me agree to go" or else "i have no choice, if i dont go you will huff" which i wouldn't.

just to give you all an idea of what i am being blamed for

-his drug habit when i was pg with ds1-i have never taken drugs, it started whilst i was pg because i was putting pressure on him apparently
-for leaving him because of his drug habit-i had asked him repeatedly to stop, i eventually left 6 weeks before ds was born. he says i abandoned him.

for the fact that he then had to join the navy because i had left him . apparently weekly contact with ds wasn't enough so the better option for ds was for him to leave the country.

-we were separated for 3 years and got back together two years ago. i made it clear at the start of the relationship that because of how his family had treated me whilst separated that i wouln't be having anything to do with them which meant for me that marriage was off the cards. he agreed this, he said he understood that. now two years later he decided he wanted to get MQ were he is based in england and because we aren't married he says i am keeping the dcs from him. because he cant see them everyday and because i wont marry him so he can get MQ that means i am preventing him from being a dad. never mind teh fact that he was already a dad when he joined the navy.

still no response.

OP posts:

chattymitchie · 07/07/2010 16:22

god .. the twisting of reality to suit themselves is just beyond belief. Your DP sounds exactly like my XP. Clearly nothing is his fault, if only you could have been a saint and a superwoman then everything would have been all right ... (but you know it still wouldn't have been).

When I split with my XP I was 3 months pregnant. Each time I was positive about being a single mum, and getting on with my degree etc he said 'oh yeah, everything has worked out fine for you, I'm just surplus to requirements, you used me and now you've got rid of me. You're so selfish, it's all about you'

And if I was ever feeling a bit down, or told him how little he'd helped (he kept saying just ask and I'll help, so I did, and he didn't ...) he'd say 'you're such a victim, you bought this on yourself, if only you'd played your cards right you'd still be with me, and I'd be your boyfriend'

what????

Original poster

booyhoo · 07/07/2010 16:29

"it's all about you" i get that line alot.

emm no, it is about our children and what is best for them.!!

oh chatty you didn't play your cards right and now you have 'missed out' on a great life

to be honest i am ready to tell him it is over (when he gets in touch). i dont want to feel like this anymore. i know it will be better for the dcs if i am on my own. i know that without his constant blaming and belittling the 3 of us will be happier and more secure in ourselves. of course i am expecting him to tell ds that it is all my fault which i really dont want to happen. it isn't fair on ds to hear that kind of stuff but i know it will happen.

OP posts:

chattymitchie · 07/07/2010 16:38

If it helps, there are a few self-imposed rules I follow when with dealing with XP (because I have to about DS)

Never expect ANYTHING, even if he makes promises, that way I don't get upset/angry
Look at HOW he says stuff to me, and WHY he says it (it says a lot about how he wants me to FEEL, i.e. emotional blackmail, laying blame, dodging responsibility)
Never, ever get angry when he lies or twists words, he'll only use it against me later
Never listen to his words, actions are what count
Never let myself get upset, I can't change him

Don't know if any of those would help you - I'm in lucky position I don't have to live with him!

chattymitchie · 07/07/2010 16:46

and I don't know your situation, but I know that there's no way on earth I could deal with him 24/7. It would drive me totally insane. I guess all you can do is what is best for you and the children. And don't listen if he says it's your fault, because what else can he say? I doubt he will ever back down and accept responsibility for his behaviour.

At the moment I'm trying to say to my XP that he needs to get to know DC better before he takes him out unsupervised (DC is 6 months, XP has been to visit only once a month and doesn't know him at all, or why he cries, when he cries, when he eats etc), and he's already started saying that 'it's all about you', you're trying to keep me from my baby ...

Like you say, they heap on the blame and guilt trip so that they get their own way, totally ignoring the fact that their way might not be in the best interests of the children ...

Original poster

booyhoo · 07/07/2010 16:48

nuber 5 is the best one i think.

my biggest worry now is what this will do to ds1 (ds2 is too young to understand). i worry about what rubbish he will be told when he is with his dad and if his dad will let him down WRT visits and stuff. i have been there before when we were separated and i know what he can be like. when he joined the navy he stopped all maintenance payments because "there is no point paying for something i am not getting" ie if he wasn't seeing ds he shouldn't have to support him. i coped for a year and a half and then went to csa. i have yet to touch a penny of what i got of him through csa, i put it all in an account for ds when he is older. he knows this so he cant say it was for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

booyhoo · 07/07/2010 16:51

chatty i had all that aswell when ds1 was born. OH didn't see him from he was 7 weeks til he was 19 weeks old and then decided he wanted him overnight!! trying to explain to him that it wasn't as simple as handing him over was liek talking to a wall. i got the whole "you cant keep me from him he is my son" i wasn't trying to keep him from him, he jsut didn't know the first thing about him.

OP posts:

tillywee · 07/07/2010 20:28

Get rid...do you really want to be blamed for his problems for the rest of your life?
In the end it will emoitinally drain and ruin you.

Original poster

booyhoo · 08/07/2010 00:26

he has responded. its not nice.

OP posts:

TechLovingDad · 08/07/2010 01:32

Are you sure you only have 2 children? It sounds like you have 3.

He's an adult, he can take responsiblity.
If he won't then he'll be lonely and miserable.

Your children will listen to his excuses but make up their own minds about why he lets them down.

What did you expect from his response? Of course it wont be nice.

Sorry, that sounds like I'm having a go, I'm not.

EcoMouse · 08/07/2010 07:57

Boo, I've no idea what his response was but a few things I found helpful to keep in mind when dealing with similar were -

Don't become entangled in a dispute over this. Remember what you set out to do and don't be swayed. Retain your clarity and don't entertain any element of hurt or self-doubt engineered by his response.

Original poster

booyhoo · 08/07/2010 12:11

he basically wrote a list of stuff that is wrong with our relationship and that its all down to me. he didn't answer any of the things i said to him about the drugs. said he wouldn't be apologising because everyone makes mistakes. said the only reason i was pissed about it was because he wasn't giving me all his attention.

TLD i know you arent having a go, what you are saying is true.

ecomouse you are right- he needs for me to doubt myself and accept the blame for it all. i wont and i think this is why he is getting so nasty because he knows i am not going to.

OP posts:

Original poster

booyhoo · 12/07/2010 00:49

sorry to bump this again but i am struggling with it.

he sort of ignored me for a few days then phoned this evening supposedly to sort this out. he said he doesn't want to talk about it over the phone, he will be home next weekend so we can talk then. i too would rather talk face to face so i agreed to this. he then went on to chat about normal stuff and then started to joke asking me if i was hormonal when it all kicked off. i hate that joke and he knows i hate it. the thing is, i think he was half serious when he asked. i got annoyed and told him that i wasn't laughing, i didn't find it funny and that the only reason he asked was so he could absolve himself of any blame for the argument. he doesn't realise how serious this is. i have asked him to write down all the things he thinks we need to talk about and i will do the same. i dont think he will do this. i know we cant go on, i am just delaying the moment when i tell him. it is ds1's birthday next sunday and i dont want it to be filled with arguments or bad feeling but i know i have to do this. it is just so hard.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 12/07/2010 01:04

Hugs booyhoo. It's awful, isn't it? Just keep in mind that it's for the best for everyone. This is the worst time and it does get better. Keep picturing your life without his stress in it.

If you're going round in circles and you don't think he is ever going to understand, why put yourself through that? You don't need to explain anything. He's going to make you out to be the unreasonable one whether you explain or not, so why bother? If people really care they will ask you directly what happened.

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