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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

really need help (especially from SolidGoldBrass or AF)

32 replies

Elenio · 06/07/2010 21:43

trying to cut a very long story short.....

Have been with DP 7 years (since i was 20) was on a working holiday on a Greek island when we met. We fell madly in love and i moved to Italy (where he studying) with him, then back to Greece.

Today he has told me that he is not in love with me anymore. He has not been since January but was hoping that his feelings would change.
I work in a small village where we live together his family.
He left today to stay in our studio that we rent in the nearest city. My whole life and future has come crashing down today and i am at a complete loss.
I love him very much, as much as i did in the beginning.

I do not have a 'home' to go to as such and i really have no idea what to do.

of course i welcome any advice, but know that SGB and AF are very direct and i could probably do with that now.

thanks to anyone that has read this far.

OP posts:
thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 06/07/2010 21:46

Why is he pinpointing January? Seems odd to suddenly fall out of love one month after seven years together.
My initial thoughts are whether there's someone else, I'm afraid.

Really sorry that you're going through this.

qk · 06/07/2010 21:48

Do you have any children? Young children can put a terrible strain on a relationship and cause men to think they don't love the woman anymore.

msboogie · 06/07/2010 21:55

It doesn't matter why he said it or if there is someone else. He has had the decency to tell you loud and clear that he no longer wants you and you have to accept that. There is nothing more to be said except goodbye, to be honest.

He isn't obliged to carry on loving you, I'm sorry but that is it.

Sort yourself out - I assume you have a job? You have the language I assume also? you must have enough wherewithal to move to another city?.

Please don't look at it as your future ending - its just a chapter of your life coming to a close - its time to move onto the next.

helicopterview · 06/07/2010 21:55

You met quite young, and I would expect you to have changed and developed over that time. But you have seemed remained committed to each other with the relocations.

Has marriage been on the cards? Is he feeling under any pressure? Do you have children?

I have to agree with thatsnotmyfruit, that it looks like there may be an OW.

Do you think that's a possibility?

armbow · 06/07/2010 21:56

hi i am going through a similar thing right now. h has left telling me he no longer loves me after 13 years.

i have no advice as it is still too raw but sending you support.
xx

Original poster
Elenio · 06/07/2010 22:08

we have no children, it was something that i assumed would happen within the next few years.

I really do not think that there is an OT....i hope not anyway.

He has told me that he has been feeling like this since jan. I knew something was wrong but had assumed that it had something to do with work, rather than me.

i understand you msboogie, and i do not blame this on him. His feelings changed and there is not much that you can do about that.
Does not stop it hurting like hell though.

i have a job, speak the language etc but i do not think that i can stay here without him (emotionally and financially). I just have no idea what i am supposed to do.

OP posts:
loopyloops · 06/07/2010 22:12

Where are you from?

Is there anything in life that you have always wanted to do? Now is the time to do it; no kids, you'll never get a better opportunity.

I suggest you take a little break somewhere you've never been before and think about what would really excite you. Don't necessarily think long-term, but think what you could do now that you'd love.

FakePlasticTrees · 06/07/2010 22:16

I would suggest that at 27, he realised that marriage and children are expected soon, and has reassessed what he wants, he's not the first man when moving from the early 20's 'wanting fun' to the late 20's/early 30's expectations of settling down, realised that the woman he is with is not one he wants this with. You should in a way be glad he's told you now, rather than bobbed along for another 5 years. (I know it doesn't feel that way now, but it will down the line)

Do you have any family you can call to go see? Does your job pay enough to keep yourself? I assume if there's not an OW he'll give you time to sort yourself out with somewhere new to live etc. Do you have transferrable skills to leave that area, either to go to another part of Greece or back to the UK (assuming that is where you are from).

Are your finances linked? do you have joint accounts etc? Time to go through those and practically think about closing those down.

And finally, i'm so sorry you are going though this, un-Mumsnety hugs.

porcamiseria · 06/07/2010 22:31

I think you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself down and move on

I can read how brokenhearted you are, but he has told you where you stand and TBH I cant see this changing

Its never easy, but you are young and you do have your life ahead of you

I got a broken heart around your age, and I decided to fuck-off abroad, best thing I did!

good luck, and keep on moving

Original poster
Elenio · 06/07/2010 22:32

thanks for the hugs

I am flying out tomorrow to stay with my dad for 3days - he lives an hours flight away, in another part of Greece.

I am half Greek, half British. I grew up in the UK and English is my first language.

I feel that i cannot leave straight away, mostly due to my job. I work as a PA and have been in same job for 5 years. Many people rely on me and my boss(es) have been very good to me. i am the person that opens and runs the office every day. I cannot let them down.

I have drunk to much and need to try and sleep.
I hate saying this, but my heart is breaking

OP posts:
EnglandAllenPoe · 06/07/2010 22:36

if you feel that way about your work - i think you need to be open with your employer, it may be they can sort out a short term placeto stay so you don't have to leave straight away.

TrillianAstra · 06/07/2010 22:36

Haven't read at all but if you need AF and SGB then you need this.

loopyloops · 06/07/2010 22:36

You will be fine. In fact, it might well prove to be the best thing that happened to you. Enjoy your break with your dad.
And remember to keep eating, I found that hard after a break-up.

porcamiseria · 06/07/2010 22:39

trillian he's dumped her not abused her!!!! not all men are abusers!

elenio, your broken heart will heal. I know you cant imagine it, but it will one day

SolidGoldBrass · 06/07/2010 22:41

Much as it hurts now, there are a lot of good things about this situation. You don't have DC with this man, you are young, young enough to have all sorts of opportunities open to you, you have a job and workplace skills.
And he has been ethical enough to end the relationship rather than string you along indefinitely - as FPT says, it sounds rather as though he has realised that he simply doesn't see you as the woman he wants to be with forever.
IN time, the pain will heal, and you will be moving on to a wonderful new life. Best of luck.

TrillianAstra · 06/07/2010 22:47

Sorry, that's just my immediate conclusion: when someone needs SGB and AF, they need to be told that men are sometimes twats and you shouldn't put up with it.

Original poster
Elenio · 06/07/2010 22:47

Thanks! just wish i could skip the pain

Should really sleep as have work in 6hours. i will update tomorrow.

Hate that it feels like a bad dream.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elenio · 07/07/2010 08:38

Thanks for the messages last night...i was quite drunk so i have read them properly this morning.

I am trying very hard to hold it together and be strong. I have built a life here but i cannot stay here without him. I need to move on, hopefully to bigger and better things!

I am also very sad that on top of loosing him i will also be loosing my home and my extended family. I will miss the dog and his nephews who have grown up with me.

I am trying to be excited about the future but have no idea where to go and what to do.
Everyone says that i can anything now....but i do not know where to begin.

OP posts:
somebodysfool · 07/07/2010 09:12

You don't need to leave right away or at all if you don't want to. You have a job friends couldn't you rent somewhere close short term why you have time to really think about what you want.

If its too painful to stay for good I would understand but your job friends might help to keep you sane and give you structure whilst you come to terms with the end of the relationship. Then if its still right to move on then you can do so when convenient to you and when you have found another job somewhere else to live etc.

loopyloops · 07/07/2010 09:53

Just enjoy your break away and take each day as it comes. Something might spring to mind as to what to do, don't try and force a decision.

Take care.

marantha · 07/07/2010 16:31

It's awful to be broken-hearted. It's easy to say this, but try not to hate your young man (you will go through a rollercoaster of emotions and hate may rear its ugly head). You've not got children nor has he made a promise to be with you for life, so he is just a young man who's decided that there's no future in your relationship- that's not a moral crime. He MAY have met someone else, but don't hate it for him if he has.
Not every relationship is meant for life.

Take care of yourself.

librium · 07/07/2010 17:09

In what sense is this man being a twat?
Honest and right of him to break it off.

Being chucked hurts,but you may well get over it quicker than you think. Move on to the next phase. You are now young free and single

ItsGraceActually · 07/07/2010 17:14

Just wanted to send you a hug, Elenio. (So slap me!)

This is horrid for you, you poor thing. He has been fair and, from what you say, you have enough of a network to stay where you are, should that be what you decide. I'm pleased you've arranged the trip to your Dad's

For what it's worth, I also recommend a long-haul ticket as a heartbreak cure. When your horizons they have (albeit sadly) suddenly opened up again, there's nothing like REALLY stretching them to help you start seeing opportunities instead of dead ends! I have the heartbreak-travel combo to thank for my French cookery, Lambada dancing and meditation skills, amongst other things.

Eat. It helps you think. Good luck.

marantha · 07/07/2010 17:30

librium He's being a twat in the sense of every-man-who-doesn't-do-exactly-what-a-partner-wants-is-a-twat/abuser/bastard way.

Whoever used "twat" word here probably didn't mean it, to be fair, but there is a lot of calling men names needlessly on mn!

librium · 08/07/2010 00:09

ah, the mumsnet definition of twat , I get it