i'm not enough

[banol]

I'm new to this, i have a massive problem my partner is elsewhere at the minute due to him being angry with me...i feel im stuck and need some massive advice, in the past 3 years we seem to have argued non stop, i try to do my best whenever i can he is 7 years older than me but thats not the problem, we have a daughter together and i have 2 young boys from my previous marriage, he has a teenage daughter and young son from previous relationship, his kids hate me cos im not there mum they feel iv taken him away, he's not that good with my 2 sons either though. when we argue about stupid things he always walks out and calls me all sorts of names i get told im not wanted and only used for sex. when he's in a good mood he never apologises for what he said instead he says its cos i made him angry. im now home on my own with my 3 little ones tucked up in bed i feel so lost and believe he has made sure i rely on him which is why i feel so down now, i cant seem to get on with anything else and my mum died in march only 51yrs old of stomach cancer, im struggling as it is he just keeps putting me down but i love him and feel i have to beg him to come home, he calls me misrable and the worst mistake of his life, i know i need to laugh him off but iv lost all my friends cos he didnt like them not got very much family my sister he hates cos shes young free and single said shes not trusted. so iv only got him. he said he'll try couples counselling but now iv booked it he's changed his mind. im lost.

No, you don't need to laugh him off.

You need to leave him.

He's nasty to you, he puts you down, he's controlling...you do not deserve it and what's more, whatever you do you will not make him a nicer person- that's the nature of emotional abuse.

Do you work at the moment? Have you got any money of your own?

You don't need to laugh him off and you don't have to beg him to come home. He does not say these things because you make him angry, he says them because he is nasty and abusive. Normal people can get feel angry without needing to cause harm to others. The things he says to you are awful and no-one ever deserves to be spoken to in such a way.

Can you call your sister or any other family member for support?

Also he has eroded your self-esteem by his behaviour, so now you feel that maybe he's often right. Or that you don't deserve more?

You do not deserve being constantly put down.
He has no right to control who you spend time with, either.

Your probably feeling hurt and lost as your mum died.
Life is too short to live with some one who doesnt think you are the very best thing in the world and love you unconditionally.
You maybe dont love him? but love and need to be with 'some one'- we all do....no one wants to be on their own.
Nothing is ever resolvable.
You should secretly work out a way to move out, go to citizens advice bureau, the council, everyone... and work out a way to go. It doesnt matter if you dont have anything, you'll find a way if you really want to be happy make the most of life and make it happy for you and your kids. Your mum didnt have long enough to enjoy this world, make sure you do.

no im not working at the minute as my daughter only 2 but want to be a driving instructor which he not happy with as its meeting new people, he has made me feel like all this is my fault he wont help with our daughter just his own 2. my sister just laughs at it now as happened so often she just keeps telling me he'll be back. i do have some money but iv not been on my own for so long that im scared of it. my kids are also so young that i worry bout being a good parent :-(

with my mum he aint asked how im feeling nor been there for me, it feels like he nice as pie to me when he wants something. my home is my house thats why he walks i just find every little thing so difficult, im worrying now bout what he's really doing, i am a jealous person but never used to be he's made me into someone i dont like, no confidence no nothing. my mum hated him too, he's turned all his family against me by blaming everything on me

If you have some money, that's great.

Definitely get a job. It's not anyone's place to tell you what to do with your life.

Kids: it is infinitely better for them to be with one happy parent than witness their mum being treated like shit. Trust me on that. Your house doesn't sound like a happy one with that wanker there. It's not that hard to be a single parent- it is definitely easier than beng stuck in an abusive relationship- that is horrible for the children to see.

I was in a similar relationship. My son is still scarred by it. I wish I have left earlier. But I did when he was 4. Before that I got a job and a place to live. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be and actually when I stood in my new living-room, with a glass of wine on that first evening- it was an amazing feeling- I felt free for the first time in ages.

Just to show you that life doesn't end with an end of a shitty relationship- I am now with my lovely, lovely DP, we have a daughter, I am doing my degree and hoping to get back to work very soon. In the three years that we've been together, I have not heard him once call me a name, scream or tell me how useless I am. Not that I would take any of it now!

Just read that you own your house?

Thank God for that.

Please, consider your own and your children's happiness.

This guy is an abusive twat.

He will keep on making you miserable, less and less confident, til there will be nothing left of you.

YOu own the house? Great. Contact women's aid who will support you in getting rid of this knob. I am tempted to suggest you bag up his stuff and change the locks - but do his DC live with you? If so, things might be a little more complicated (however vile their father is, you can't turn kids out into the street.) Still, Women's Aid will be able to help and advise.
He's horrible and probably picked you in the first place because he thought you were desperate enough for A Relationship to put up with being treated like shit - prove the fucker wrong and don't ever fool yourself into thinking that you need a man this much again.

which i do agree, i know he's controlling he makes me feel like i really do need him, i know what hes doing is wrong sometimes i feel id rather put up with it then have the stress of being on my own. my kids like him but they know when im upset however much i try hide it...

other times he's the nicest person in the world, my sister finds it hard to believe some of the things i say to her cos hes so nice to everyone else puts on this big show.

im pleased you had the guts to get out i wish i couldve seen all this beforehand then i wouldnt of made this mistake.

how it goes at the minute i managed to change the locks on doors cos i went with my kids and sister for dinner but knew he wouldnt like it so i didnt tell him with a plan to get back before him this did not work so he took the tellys off the walls all the bits i needed and walked, i had to chase him trying to get it back which i did, now i dont go out at all in fear of him getting through the window or something. i sit in day and night just waiting for him to come back.

im really embarrassed about all this, if im honest id like for it to be sorted and to have a life back but with him i know i sound like a nutter

You must get rid of him. You can't see it now because he has done a fucking number on you good and proper but he has left you a shadow of the person you could be.

He is destroying your and your childrens' lives - your mum died at such a young age - now you know first hand how short life can be. Do you want to waste however many years you have left feeing sad because some useless prick likes to get his kicks putting you down?

You only get one life - don't throw it away on some inadequate wanker tosspot using fuckwit.

the reason i dont want no trouble is cos he swore he will put me through so much shit if i do anything, i went to police before cos he kicked in my front door....bad mistake got pushed over and cut my head on radiator, i dont believe he meant to do this and no kids were home at the time, they were still in my car.

i think im just too stupid to realise just how bad he is cos its always my fault

all this happens when he angry if iv done something thats made him happy he is the nicest person u could know.

he has had anger management but it clearly didnt work.

also i dont want my daughter to not have her dad as my 2 boys aint got theres well they have but only weekends
i'll feel guilty and not keen on another failed relationship

You deserve better than this.

You may not believe that right now, but it's true.

You have a big enough job mothering your own children, your shared child, and his children, without putting up with his rubbish too.

If only you could get away, and get some perspective, you would see that you are being ground down by him.

Without him you would be stronger, and come to believe more in yourself.

It's easy to say, and hard to do, but it seems like you need to ask him to leave (at least for a while) so you can escape this emotional abuse.

Hi Banol,

Your partner is being physically and verbally abusive - he should never have pushed you over, in fact he should never touch you to intimidate you. The reason anger management wouldn't have worked because what he is doing is about CONTROL, not anger. When you don't do what he wants he scares you, or degrades you.

And it will get worse, men who are abusive tend to escalate their behaviour, more so when you try and tell them that what they're doing is unreasonable. Seriously.

I'm sure lots of people on here will tell you the same thing, but for the sake of your children you need to ask him to leave the house.

When I was in a similar position, people kept telling its not your fault, you can't MAKE someone hit you, or push you, or shout at you. It's HIS choice. It's not your fault.

Look. An arsehole that kicks in doors and is violent to her mum is no great father fot your daughter to have around. When he pushed you and you fell on the radiator- did you report it?

Why would you feel guilty for allowing your children to have a nice, calm life with you?

They should not have to live with that person around- even if they don't witness everything- they do know, they live in a constant dread of fights etc.

You own your house. Seriously, get rid of this looser. As SPB said call Woman's Aid for support and practical advice.

he's not here at the minute he's staying at his 'dads' get the feeling he trying to punish me and make me worry.

gotta admit though i already feel bit better just being able to talk bout it

funny thing is i give great advice just dont take my own. such a hard situation.

Great! Change the locks

but he was never like this before? i accept that things have been hard for us, other people 'getting in the way' iv been told its cos im childish? im 24 he's 32 iv been married and divorced have 3 kids, got my own house and car yet im childish. i am jealous only cos he still comments on his ex and how great she was with the kids and how she let him do what he likes? reason i dont like him going out is cos i cant, he says i have 3 kids that are my responsibility

i know what i gotta do. and yes i did tell my counsellor when he pushed me over but that stopped cos my counsellor 'knew too nuch'

i will tell everyone he is a wanker but at the same time i do love him.

you are teaching your kids that dysfunctional abusive relationships are normal.

I promise this is affecting them much more than you realise and you are allowing him to fuck them up mentally for their whole lives.

Is that what you want?

You need to get over your concern about another failed relationship - your feelings are not the priority here - protecting your kids is way more important.

ring women's aid - they will help you

but you have to want to be helped

I loved my XXP so much, he was my whole world, even when he tried to suffocate me with a pillow. Twice. And tried to break my arm. And was generally abusive physically and verbally for two years. He was absolutely charming when we met, I couldn't believe how he doted on me. But it changed, and fast, and then I couldn't believe how quickly it changed. But I loved him. But eventually I left and it was the best thing I ever did.

Everything you have said about this guy says he doesn't love you or respect you. I'm sorry to be horrid and blunt, but I only realised how blind I was being when a good friend eventually said, if he loved you he wouldn't be doing it.

Sorry, really hope that something positive comes out of this for you.

i dont want my kids to have this sort of life, i know he would never touch them they are young 2,5 and 6 and most arguements r done over the phone or txts, my other struggle is my kids never listen to me, my daughter is 2 and the temper on her is so bad, i worry that i wont be able to control them if im on my own as 2nyt has proved they played up so much cos im a soft touch and give in to them.

I doubt that you love him. Rather maybe you think you need him?

I asked whether you reported it to the police?

Change the locks.

you wont be a bad mum on your own!! I hate to say it, but you'll be a worse mum staying with someone who treats you badly. And don't think for a minute that someone who abuses you wont affect your children. How will he treat them when they are older and they don't do what he wants? Do you think he will be sweetness and light?? I think if you do a bit of reading about controlling and abusive men then you'll find he's likely to be at least emotionally and verbally abusive to his kids as well.

I'm sure that you'd be a great mum on your own, you'll have a lot more confidence and that will come through in the way that you look after your kids.

yea i know your all right and i do believe im worrying bout the simple things instead of being strong and to just let him go.

i will make my kids proud. thank you