Help me be strong please

[whatname]

H is an arse. Been going through a stressful time, he works very hard, but we have a lot of debt so money been very tight( long story). I have been trying to get a job for couple of months, couple of interviews but nothing further, I have been out for three years now so would be first job after ds. I also earned a very good salary so should have good earning power. Anyway, rows have been dreadful and he would have left only nomoney to go to hotel and no family here to go to, so kinda been separated but still in same house. Been bearable. Row today unbelievable. He told me I was a fucking cunt and told me I didn't deserve our child and I couldn't hide behind two miscarriages re not going back to work. I have tried everything to get a job, and now desperately want it to get away from him, so no way I am shirking. So he tells me to get a job or get out, threatens to phone my family. So I say don't worry I will go. Says I can't take the car, have to get the train, says he will slash the tyres. Then he phones my poor mother and tells her our marriage is over, I am coming home and can she recommend a hotel for him to stay at at the weekend when he comes to visit ds. Then starts to cry for the sympathy vote,My poor mother has a heart condition and is going on hols
today, so Is now worried sick.
So was determined to leave but now he had been begging and crying for 3 hours mainly about ds but also what we stand to lose.
I feel like now my family know, there is no turning back and no excuses I need to leave. But have job interview on thurs and ds parent evening next week and can't afford petrol or train to keep coming up and down.
Talk to me please, tell me I need to leave, tell me I will never look back and will be much happier.

So he wants you to go but he won't make it easy for you. And now he's blaming you for all the money worries.

In reality he needs to leave. Even if it is just to give you all some space.

It sounds to me like he's pushing you away but really not wanting you to go. On the other hand it also sounds like he is emotionally unstable and desparate and that is not a good situation for you and your dc to be in.

Sometimes 'outting' the situation to family like this can actually be positive because it makes you take a decision. It's never an easy decision, whether it be to fix it or finish it.

As to the work issue, does it have to be a high earning job? If money is really that tight would you not consider working nights in a super market for a while or practically anthing else. You may have to dumb down your qualifications and experience though.

It does sound like you've convinced yourself you need a job in order to leave. But in reality you need to sort the situation one way or another with or without a job.

And yes he is being an arse. Question is are you prepared to put up with it any longer.

Hi Gilly
there is do much more to this than I can write! I would do any job, but the issue is childcare, for me to work evenings he would have to commit to getting home at a reasonable hour and he can't. For other work it's not worth it if the childcare costs more. I would work at the weekends but he needs extra rest time cos he works so hard during the week. Stupid thing is that he is completely irresposnsible with money, he doesn't keep track of anything whereas I juggle the money I get and don't overspend. I told him six months ago that we should remortgage and he wouldn't have it. It's finally going through and just yesterday he admitted it was the best course of action.
He is whingeing that he can't afford counselling, yet can blow hundreds in a night out. He is not being honest with himself he is so delusional.
Stronger marriages would get through this and not blame each other.

Hi Whatname,

im so sorry your going through this. Im trapped to but under different circumstances, my H isnt a bad man, its just something has changed. He too stresses over work, bt last year i became ill. He just doesnt like the fact im ill. Im trapped because i cant go back to my family. They too live away but H wont let me take the children and i dont think it is fair on them or him if i did. I am in the process of renting a flat. i do work luckily, but i will have to stay here with.

That is my solution for now. Have you enquired about what benefits you would be entiltled to?
i checked mine out on line and whilst it wasnt alot i could have survived.

with regards to the job, if you went back to your family couldnt they help with childcare in the interim, if you found a job there. then apply for childcare benefits too.

I am lucky to have my mother as a role model she brought me and my brother up w=very well, and despite her feeling she wasnt very strong( she was!! but at time was very low) she had the family there to support her.

you can be strong......

good luck

hi belle
so sorry to hear you are going through similar.
its so hard to decide what's best for the children
if i went back to my family i would be taking ds 250miles away from his dad, which would have allsorts of knock on effects.and which h would contest when it came to any kind of legality.
benefits depend very much on what he would give me, so depends whether he will be fair.
I have already contacted all my creditors and had a discussion about repayments. if remortgage goes through, everything will be repaid and will be able to start again, hopefully. i actually have a flat of my own which is rented out, so could move back there when tenants leave, will have to find out when that date it, cant remember exactly, but think it is a month or two, so could work
he is devastated now it is hitting home that I am leaving, and i know it is going to get nasty, because i know he can be very nasty. But no-one else sees that. He has already sent my sis a sad message, take care of my little boy. fortunately mum and sis are not fooled. he has history with my family.

Call WOmen's AId, this man is an abusive waste of oxygen and you need to get him removed from the house. He is spending money recklessly, threatening violence, lying, verbally abusing you and isolating you from friends and family - but there is help out there and you can get rid of him. YOu will need legal advice as you won't be able to trust a word he says WRT maintenance, access etc.

yeah, I think you need to call them too - he sounds unstable and possibly dangerous. Find out when your tenants are due to leave and give them notice.

Well said sgb, thanks. Am on my home to parents, he caved and "let" me take the car. Just stopped cos ds poured whole bottle of juice on himself! I am good.

Don't really know what I am doing, why did I come here. What is it going to achieve? I have to go back. I have an interview on thursday. He is all tears and apologies. I feel so emotionless. He has told counselling people in work and getting support from our friends, and I am here on my own. Mum gone on hols this morning, sis working, brother gone home and dad cooked lovely dinner and now gone to do some work too. Will go out with did tomorrow night and hopefully have good chat. Meantime I can catch up with Greys anatomy on mums tv!

Has no-one got any advice?

Stay at your mums and give him some space. He sounds like he needs help for the stress, encourage him to see his GP.

Do you have your own bank account? Suggest all child benefit and child tax credits are diverted into it so you have some cash for nappies, food etc. Make sure its not with the same bank as him and he won't know the PIN.

I suggest you divert all mail to somewhere/ someone you trust as well.

Stay at your mums, give him space as others have said.

If you do choose to work things out, (if you haven't already) have a bank account just for the direct debits, and that at the beginning of each month enough money goes into it to cover those, and continue to keep your own bank account for costs for children and you and he can have his own with a slush fund in for things. Sounds to me that it's best to let him sink or swim himself financially and stop dragging you down with him. If you have money in your own account he cannot touch for the essentials at least you can get places and put food on the table. the child benefit and child tax credits are for the children afterall and aren't a spare slush fund for a piss up.

You guys do need counseling to work things out but he does sound abusive

Yes, I have separate accounts, but no money unfortunately! No child credits.Should find out about the remortgage this week and if that goes through, the pressure is off financially. ATM I have dependent on him financially, if he chooses not to transfer money to me on payday then i could be in trouble. He has seem one counsellor today and another type later this week. Hopefully my sis can look after ds tomorrow while I get organised and make a few calls re advice. Everyone been working so far.

If you live in the UK you should receive child benefit regardless.

Perhaps you and he can agree what is reasonable to cover food each month and a standing order goes into a separate account for you anyway on the 1st of every month? Then that money is ring fenced and protected no matter what nonsense he gets up to. It's ridiculous that we're even discussing this but it is better than the alternative on you and the kids struggling.

My H was awful with money, I had to have a separate account for the direct debits and when things got really bad I did set up my own bank account and get the child tax credits and child benefit redirected. Thank God! He's now in even more of a pickle since the divorce began, as he's lost his job. The Government are currently taking care of me unfortunately But there is help out there. You may want to consider going into Citizens Advice if you live in the UK, as they will be very helpful on debt advice and financial help available. It would really ease your mind and put it at rest if you knew what help was available. Have you called Womens Aid yet too?

I have no idea what to do, no idea how to make this huge decision for my family.

I think you need to separate for now. You need space to think. That doesn't mean you have to divorce, that's something for much further in the future when you feel stronger and very very sure but space is exactly what you need right now, to clear your head and do some deep thinking imo.

Problem with separation is that
a, I still need to find a job in London, so will be up and down.... costs money
b, he can't move out cos we dont have the money
c, he still needs to see DS, so he would be up and down the country

there is no easy answer.

he does seem very resigned to the fact that I am leaving him

he will more than likely find a job in another country. poor DS.
I am going to try to speak to the lady that did some counselling for us. She knows the back story and she knows what he is like. She saw how unreasonable he was, and I think I could talk to her.

Everytime I think about going back tomorrow I feel sick. Great time for a job interview!!

Whatname - I really think he is the one that needs to be leaving - not you!
SGB has given some very truthful & good advice below.
Contact WA and get him removed from the house, then start sorting out the money. At the very least make sure child benefit gets tranferred to your separate account.
He has been very nasty and things may get worse so if you start to plan at least you are slightly more prepared.
If you are still going for the interview today - good luck!
Rushing with some work stuff at the moment but will catch up later.

He may be stressed out, but he has no right to treat you like that. What an Arse!
Ring WA if you feel the need, but be careful. They will be massively on your side, which is great, but not necessarily putting the needs of your child first, which isn't so good. You need to 'move on' from this relationship, which won't be easy, especially as children most emphatically don't want or need to move on from either of their parents. If you make the break you WILL be far happier in time. He doesn't deserve you. I would suggest that, on an interim basis, you put some miles between you both. Then immediately hire a 'Resolution' trained solicitor, and tell your ex to do the same. They are brilliant at helping you both put a pathway towards your (separate)futures together without the angst of face to face meetings. Avoid the courts like the plague, no matter what WA or any other 'charity' tells you-it's the Road To Hell.
Good luck.

Well my H moved in with his Dad, as I couldn't move in with mine, as they're much older and have various health issues.

There are options such as just staying with a good friend too?

Go and see Citizens Advice, you'll be surpised at the help available to you at this difficult time financially. They will be able to talk you through your options and housing solutions as well.

Arfarfa - why do you say avoid the courts, its the road to hell?? I have a friend who is debating whether to go through the courts, can you explain please?

Hi nickname2
The current family law system is long-winded, under-resourced, and over-subscribed. There is a woeful lack of judicial continuity, which means that you are subjected to a veritable platoon of different Judges arriving anew at your case, and often approaching it from bafflingly different perspectives. Delays are endemic, and consistency is notable only by it's absence.
Far too many couples end up going through the legal system who should really be in mediation, but, due often to calculated 'tactical' advice from irresponsible third parties agencies, deliberately opt-in to the system in order to seek a perceived advantage. And don't even start me on about CAFCASS!
In the breakdown of a relationship, the most important and vulnerable people involved, by a country mile, are the children. Dealing with separation through the courts, without at least first trying to broker an agreement via collaborative law and mediation, is like two selfish people throwing petrol on a bonfire, with the children playing the role of Guy Fawkes.

arfarfa I think your post is likely to scare OP and make her worry about "what if's" if she gets to the divorce stage. I remember lying in bed with fear about what would happen if we got divorced, what about arguements over property, what if he managed to get custody of the children etc. The way your post is worded is likely to make the OP worry but I could be wrong. All my fears were actually unfounded I discovered anyway but please be aware your post sounds quite alarming in some ways, whether you meant it to or not.

I'm in the middle of a divorce and I won't be attending court at any point. Mine's all paper based, amicable and there's been no disputes, I know I've been lucky. Truthfully I think my H is in such a hurry to get rid of me and because neither of us is being unreasonable on requests, it's all been fine.

I was told by the solicitor that unless D&V is involved or similar, you never have to attend court at all usually and it's all done by paper, solicitor to solicitor and submitted by post to court etc.?

In fact I'm now awaiting the pronouncement of the Decree Nisi and the divorce only began in April.

I'm doing it all by Legal Aid as well, so it's not that I'm paying an amazing solicior either. I'm sure not every case is like mine but please don't panic whatname about how it will go from other things on here and how they're written, see citizens advice and arm yourself with information, which will bring you a lot of peace and take advantage of the free first session at a solicitor too. Just to know all the facts.

Hopefully you understand what I'm trying to get at here, as I am typing this fast, as I need to go and make dinner for my 2 DCs.

By the way I hope your job interview went well today whatname and that you've found a solution, so that you do not have to return to living with your H right now. Could he move out and in with a friend or family member? As it would make more sense that the main care giver has the marital home for now, as it's less upheavel for the child and a lot easier for him to pack a bag, than for you lugging, travel cots, bed sheets, nappies, bottles, cups, toys etc everywhere with you.

Thinking of you and hoping you're ok today.

Right really must dash

the man has threatened her. threatened to slash tyres called her a c...e tc. used tactic of calling her mother...all abusive behaviours...

you just cant sit and mediate collaborative law etc with someone like this.

sometimes court is only way forward... i found the court process long winded but helpful, and ultimately clearer...some judges were 2better" than others yes. but overall - when one party is abusive, can be best way forward.

recently is at with amediator in same room to try and move forward, gave it a chance time ahs passed - but no - he was agressive, bullying, mediator was unable to calm him down, he didnt want to mediate at all....you cant do it unless both sides willing. i was willing to give it a shot to see if could discuss practical issues contact finance - but no.

Interview is tomorrow so decided to come home tonight cos tomorrow would all be a bit of a rush. Got in at 11 and h already in bed, so don't have to talk. Think he might stay with some friends. Made appointment for me to see our old counsellor, Tuesday and phone appt with solicitor tomorrow. Tried womens aid but had to keep holding, they were obviously busy.don't know when I can get to cab, really can't take ds with me and no-one to watch him. Oh, and told a friend of mine, she knew things were bad, but not quite that bad. She lives 40 mins away and we are not really that close anymore. He does seem very concilliatory but not sure I really trust him, so have to be prepared for it to go pete tong. Had lots of fantasies on the drive, about my new life, where I can do what I want! Ha ha. Not gonna be quite that easy!!