Just found out, from reading his emails, that he is having an affair.

[cherrylips]

Hi, don't know if anyone is around at this silly time. I found out a few hours ago that my husband is having an affair. I'm really upset and in shock. And very freaked out by the thought of imminent singledom!!!!

It wasn't a perfect relationship. He has always been a heavy drinker, which has been so difficult to cope with. He is either pissed or v childish. And we bicker and row constantly.

Over the past few weeks he has been acting nervous, and being ratty with the kids. Also noticed that really unnerving and nasty barbed comments were said to me more often. Also he had his blackberry glued to his arse.

My head is killing. This is a horrid place to be.

Cherry, that muyst feel horrible - especially after you've stood by him when he's put you through so much. The injustice is horrid.

But that's maybe the reason. You know too much and see him warts and all - this ow has believed his advertising not his true self.

Have you any idea what you're going to say in the morning? What are your general thoughts on infidelity?

cherrylips I am lousy at giving advice but I know that there are not many people around at this time so thought that I would answer your post. I am so sorry that this is happening to you and I do know how it feels. The 'nasty barbed comments' really struck a chord.

Please take care of yourself. It is indeed a horrid place to be.

Thanks for answering!!

Just been on his facebook, putting a few barbed comments of my own on his profile, oooh revenge is sweet.

I'm not sure what to do when we all get up tomorrow. Ds is at friends having sleep - over and my friend will be bringing him back at 9.30am. I left her house really happy yesterday!!! Hope she doesn't realize that I look a wreck.

I rang mom and dad at 2am so they know. Think I will ask them to come round here, as I have not had a wink of sleep so far. My head feels like a lump of led.

I can't carry on being married to him. When I read the emails back and forth between them I felt really ill and really angry. I couldn't forget the words they used.

We were going to get dd2 (9months) christened in September, that won't be happening now!!!

He is snoring in the spare bed.

I always thought I was the type of person to forgive and try and make things worse.

But he was as cool as a cucumber when I found out. So I'd like to go for a separation at the moment. God knows how long this will take to sort out though!!!

You sound like you need someone to look after you - could you and dcs go and stay with your parents for a little bit and have some tlc from them. If you are away from (not so) DH you might be able to get a better perspective on things and think more clearly without the rows/barbed comments etc wearing you down on a daily basis.

I'd be more worried that he's a heavy drinker than anything - he needs to get help for that.

You poor thing. If you don't think you want to try and make it work (completely understandable imo) I would suggest asking him to leave. At least then you and the DCs have the house and are in a slightly stronger position when it comes to dealing with solicitors etc.

Also, it may make the OW and your H realise exactly what a stupid thing they've done if he turns up on the doorstep begging to stay because you've kicked him out. The false advertising won't last very long.

I am going through something very similar right now. Found out about an affair 2 days ago. My best advice would be to get him out of the house. I was worried that my XP wouldn't leave but a combination of guilt and harrassment from my older DCs plus some begging from me worked a treat. Can you play on the guilt thing and demonstrate that his life won't be worth living if he doesn't give you a break for a while.

Then you can concentrate on yourself and distance yourself from his problems and it sounds like he's got way more problems than you. My XP drinks too.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.

I had almost an identical experience back in February and I still remember the awful gut wrenching pain once the adrenalin had worn off.

Take your time and don't rush any decisions, that's where I went wrong and am now rethinking everything all over again.

Thinking of you and littlecritters xx

Big hugs. I have also just found out my husband is having an affair. I can't give you any advice but I really feel your pain.

How are you today?

Cherrylips. I see you haven't for a few hours. Hope you are ok, getting through these first hours after the discovery.

So you found some emails? You confronted your H, he admitted everything? And is not remorseful? Is that about the size of it?

What is he saying he wants? Does he want to leave you for the OW? Or is he begging to stay?

Me too girls.

Awful, innit.

Time numbs the shaking and eventually you will eat again. Can't tell you any more than that - 8 weeks in here. Some days I can't think of anything else. Some days I can forget from time to time. That Shirley Glass book everyone goes on about is OK but only if you have emotional energy and time to read it. Me, I just want to forget at the moment.

Hope you're OK

Hello. I kicked him out on Sunday morning, after not sleeping all night. He went to his mum and dads in Birmingham. He has now come back to our home town, and is staying with his friend. He is gutted.

He returned to work today, and i think she is still off sick.

He hasn't seen kids since Sunday morning, and is v eager to see them on Saturday this week.

I can't believe I have made it to Thursday!! I've got a few really good friends, that helps. Also my and his family are being really supportive.

I can't believe I went into work on Monday, thinking i would be better off distracted!!!!

Big mistake. I'm off sick now, I'm better off at home looking after my family and trying to organize my life.

What are you re thinking akhems?

I am taking things v slowly.

He is remorseful, regretful. He wants to come home. He misses his kids, home, me and his lifestyle.

I've told him tht now he has returned to work he must change his role and working practice, so that he is not working with OW. Easier said than done in this economic climate. But he is making changes so that he works with her less. But I think he will need to look for other jobs, or she will.

She must be crapping herself, I could wreak hell on her head. What they have done is really unprofessional, working so closely, and then letting that fondness and respect become something sexual, after staff nights out.

Thank you so much for helping me that night.

I have no emotional energy. I feel 102 years old. I feel slowed down. The anger and adrenalin have subsided and I'm in shock. I'm exhausted.

I hate what he has done to our nice little simple lives. He has made a huge mess.

Hang on in there Cherry. I am on week 4 following kicking out mine after finding out about his affair. It is tough, but you have to stay strong. You have done the right thing. I have no doubt that I did the right thing kicking mine out, but this week I feel physically very drained; as if I could just sleep and sleep for weeks to recover.

Actions, not words, by him are the only things that count now.

He has to prove to you that he wants to put things right, this has to be on your terms if you want it.

Take care of yourself.

Love, I have been through all this - it sounds so familiar to me. I know you are in shock and feel betrayed etc Your husband is a selfish shit and so what if he feels remorseful - he is first and foremost a father. We all get tempted from time to time and life is humdrum with little ones at times, especially when they are young, but he signed up for that and seems he is doing all he can to escape it by drinking and living out stupid sexual fantasies he thinks of as a 'relationship'. don;t be angry at her, she is nothing, just lonely and sad, be angry at him. If I were you I wouldn't let him back for a good while - he's got to miss you and feel what it's like to live this wonderful 'single' life away from his family. The shitbag - sorry... HOWEVER, don't despair, you just have to stay in control and chances are he will want to come back and things may even be better in the longrun. But don't take him back too soon for short term happiness - I did that with my husband who then proceeded to come and go cos his head was such a mess - honestly, it nearly killed me. It was only when I got myself together (as will you, there are MANY worse things than being a single mum, such as living with a drunk who doesn't respect you...) that my husband took some real time to think and then really tried hard to come home. Early days yet, but I now KNOW I can do without him with my lovely little ones and he is the lucky one to have us, not the other way round. You'll get there pet, just take it one day at a time and take all the help you can get (I got by with friends, anti depressants and Relate and lots and lots of cigarettes!!) Big hugs. He'll be the one crying in the end.x

Cherry, I'm so sorry to read your posts. Almost identical situation for me - DH had affair with a colleague, I found out in April. It is horribly painful, even when you already knew in the first place what a bastard your DH was. Time will help you. Nothing really to add, just that I am sorry for your situation and hope you are OK.

hoe youre ok?
would you even consider saying with him?

xx

Hi Cherry. Hope you're feeling even a tiny bit better. I was on diazepam for about 2 weeks when I found out - it was the only way I could function.

I think during the initial discovery and shock phase, I just wanted us back to normal and I also wanted to 'win' against the OW - sounds nuts now but quite common from what I've read.

He's been home since the beginning of March and we talked a lot the first couple of weeks and after that because we were getting on so well and in many ways our relationship is better than it was before... we sort of buried the subject, neither one of us wanted to rock the boat so it's still festering away under the surface.

But.. I've now realised what so many lovely posters told me at the time, he's not the man I thought he was, the person I thought I had was one who would never hurt me, would never be disloyal or disrespectful in any way, had strong moral values and integrity and certainly would never cheat.

That man is gone. It's as though I've got new glasses and am seeing things clearly at last, and I've now got to decide if I can continue a relationship with the one who's here in his place. This man has a lot of flaws, and needs to do a lot of work on himself - whether we stay together or not. I've been doing that work on myself, I'm recognising my weaknesses and looking into turning them into strengths, he's just going with the flow. So far I've done most of the work to repair our relationship and that isn't fair, why should he sit back like nothing ever happened and reap the rewards of me being a stronger person?

So I'm in the position now where I want him to fight to save us, to fight to keep me because so far he hasn't really done that. He is much more attentive, makes a lot more effort to spend time with me, but he's never really shown proper remorse for what he's done and is really rubbish at reassuring me that we're safe now. I think it's partly that he's so eaten up with guilt he doesn't want to bring it up for fear of hurting me more (see I'm still making excuses for him) but he doesn't articulate that and so a lot of the time it just feels like normal service has resumed and doesn't need to bother.

I know it's early days, and it can take a year for him to finally realise the full extent of what he's done and feel the emotional fall out from it but it's hard to be patient.

Do an advanced search for posts by someone called maturer and also for whenwillifeelnormal - they've both been through what we have and have successfully stayed married. I don't know if maturer still posts here with a new name, her posts seemed to stop in 2008 but she had a lot of knowledge and experience to share.

What I'm trying to say in a very long winded, waffly way is that I wish I'd made him stay away for a much longer while, so he could really see what he was missing and risked losing and also for me to see if I really wanted him back, because right now I'm not sure.

Be very kind and gentle to yourself, if you can't eat, drink lots of milky coffees and stuff like that, I dropped 18kgs in 6 weeks while we were in shock mode and nearly ended up being hospitalised.

To clarify, I think he's so horrified at what he's done that he can't face up to it, but he has to for us to be able to move forward.

I have to think about whether I'm willing to wait it out or just cut my losses now.

Hi akhems, thanks so much for explaining.

My situation is so similar. DH has lots of faults that I have put up with over the years. They have made life difficult, but I adapted. He is very negative and miserable. And drinks heavily.

I also thought that he was one of the most morally upright people I know, with full integrity intact. Thats why I was so shocked when I found his txts to her.

I think he felt tied down by marriage and kids.

I feel the same as what you do. Even though he has betrayed my trust completely, with his lies and deceitfulness, I am glad he hasn't gone to the OW. I'm glad he is gutted that he doesn't live here anymore, that he isn't with us anymore.

I'm glad he is crying because he is at his parents house or a friends house and he misses everything that is "home"

I'm still so angry, I keep remembering snippits of stuff, or stuff he says now that turns me into a spewing volcano at him down the phone.

I saw him for the 1st time today, he came to pick the kids up to take them out for the first time. The sound of his voice makes me feel ill, and having to look at him.

I was so angry with him, shouting and screaming at him, and punching him, slapping him.

He has messed the kids lives up, my life, and our finances.

I'm in a lot of pain. I can hardly function. I'm grieving for the loss of who I thought he was - one of the good guys on this earth.

Not on diazepam yet coz I think it puts of the inevitable pain.

I will ask him to stay at his friends house for at least a month, before even thinking about long term plans.

Ohh love, you're doing so well.

Will write a bit more later cos I'm typing from my phone just now but wanted to say that the diazepam didn't stop the pain at all but it helped with the shaking and palpitations and that awful feeling in your stomach. It enabled me to function without collapsing into a gibbering wreck.

Hope today is going reasonably ok.

Will write more later but wanted to check in as I was thinking about you xx

Thank you akhems

hey Cherry, how are you feeling?

You're doing all the right things, you need to have some space from him so that YOU can think about what YOU want.

During this time pay attention to what he does and see if it tallies up with what he says - actions speak far louder than cheap words which anyone can spew out. It's far more difficult to back that up with actually acting on what you say.

Take as long as you need to - if he's any good he'll understand that and wait for as long as it takes, if he doesn't then you're better off without him.

When you do see him, be calm and dignified, don't let him see how much he's devastated you.

I didn't do any of those things and I regret it now, because I don't know if he's with me because he can't bear the thought of being without me or just because it was easy to stay.

It's taken me five months to get the point of really thinking about what I want and what's best for me and I'm not sure that he's it.

Like you, I turned a blind eye to his flaws, but there was a thread on here the other day about victim mentality and I realised that that's what he's like, among other things and I just don't know if I can be bothered anymore. It's like I just went and got a new pair of glasses and am seeing things clearly for the first time. I do love him very much, but I also know that I can be fine without him.

We talked last weekend and I asked him for us to have some time apart, even if he just moved into the spare room but he won't, and since then he's being super clingy.

So I'm thinking and thinking and reading books and articles and planning to start seeiing a counsellor in the next few weeks, while he just plods on burying his head in the sand. I even sorted the relationship topic into alphabet order and read every single thread about affairs - I'm currently on page 388 of 392 But unless he works on himself to figure out why he did what he did really we're never going to make any progress.

So just take as long as you want, and meanwhile be good to yourself, lots of bubble baths and treats, rearrange the furniture or paint a room or something to distract yourself.

Wiser bods will be along with better advice than I can give soon xx