Just found out, from reading his emails, that he is having an affair.

[cherrylips]

Hi, don't know if anyone is around at this silly time. I found out a few hours ago that my husband is having an affair. I'm really upset and in shock. And very freaked out by the thought of imminent singledom!!!!

It wasn't a perfect relationship. He has always been a heavy drinker, which has been so difficult to cope with. He is either pissed or v childish. And we bicker and row constantly.

Over the past few weeks he has been acting nervous, and being ratty with the kids. Also noticed that really unnerving and nasty barbed comments were said to me more often. Also he had his blackberry glued to his arse.

My head is killing. This is a horrid place to be.

akhems sorry you're feeling like this, but not surprised that you've hit that "wall". Happy to help if you feel I can be of use, maybe on a separate thread?

OP - what you're feeling is entirely normal. Keep posting.

Hi cherrylips. Our situations are so similar. Although XP's OW and her H are family friends, aswell as XP and OW working together. I'm still debating whether or when to tell her H. But I have other priorities right now - namely me!

Thinking of you and thinking how utterly fabulous we are. I now think I am vastly superior to XP who is a prize prick. Is that how you feel?

The difficult bit is finding out how to stop loving him.

Cheers wwifn, might take you up on that, but if I do it will be in the name I used at the time cos he knows this name :/

Hi Cherry, hope you're doing ok-ish

I wanted to share my experiences with you purely because with hindsight I regret the way I handled things and wanted to be reassuring that you are doing the right thing.

I apologise if I came across as a needy thread hijacker in any way

I am doing ok, but having massive sobbing sessions in the night. Which are really painful.

I spewed anger and hate at him when I saw him for the first time in a week on Saturday. I was physically violent towards him, and the kids were alarmed.

I vowed then, that I was not going to sink to his level of crapness, and that I would be as civil as I can be towards him.

He has taken the chance during my new found calmness to attack me regarding the stressfulness of living in an untidy house, my housework skills (which are lacking in his view). He also criticized me about the daily routine the children are in, and about the fact that I've co - slept with my babies. Due to having no help from him. My youngest is still only 9 months old.

I lost the plot a bit then I asked him not to attack or criticize me when I'm already at rock bottom. He's broken me and I can't handle it.

He has never been bothered about the state of the house, garden or car before. He has never been bothered about the kids routine either, he is a very laid back bloke, and life can be a bit chaotic. But he has never mentioned this before!!!

I think it is all projected guilt, or just trying to take the spotlight of his own awful behaviour. Anyway he has not done it again. Although he has been bossy about washing DD1's bed sheets quite late. And I was suprised, it was only a bit of sand form the beach!!

He wants to come back home. But only because he is so embarrassed and ashamed of what he has done. He is also really missing the children. Youngest (DD2) is only 9 months

He maintains that he does not love me, and only has feelings for me in terms of having "known me for 10 years" He delivers this gem with a gallic shrug.

He maintains the relationship is knackered.

He maintains he has not drank alcohol for a week, which is a BIG acheivement for him. He has lost a lot of weight.

I'm hoping that as he goes on NOT drinking alcohol, he will start to feel more positive and less antagonistic and negative towards and about me.

As I've mentioned previously he is a very heavy drinker. It has had a major impact on our relationship. He has always denied that he has a problem. Because he is addicted.

Living and having children with a heavy drinker, has been so difficult and draining. I don't know how I've done it.

I think as he has reached his mid 30's it is catching up with him. I think he is unhappy because of the way I behave, because of his drinking, and all the years of alcohol abuse has effected him psychologically. I know it has physically.

I realize a long time ago, that when he was rushing to get home, it wasn't because he was eager to see the kids or me, it was to open a bottle of wine.

I think he has realized what he could be losing since his enforced exile at his mum and dads. I think he appreciates his home life and kids because he has had time away.

Its so complicated and convoluted looking back. He is a cold, unemotional man, not affectionate at all. This has been hard to cope with. I prompted him in the early years to no avail.

The heavy drinking has been awful. Because of it, I've given him a dogs life, nagging and constantly mocking him as a way of coping with how crap he has been.

I've chipped away at him and now he has no feelings for me, not even a fondness for me as the mother of his children. I was trundling along in the marriage thinking we would be ok. Really I had got used to the misery of our household.

He is staying at a friends flat nearby now, since Sunday evening. Having frequent access to the children is making him feel better. But obviously its hard for me.

I don't want him to move in with us again, because our relationship is toxic. He is v negative (always has been) at the moment and says there is nothing we can do about that. I think we can work on it. It may never be perfect but I'd settle for 70% perfect!!!!

But for now, I'm so gutted its best he doesn't live here.

I can't believe our home is "broken" but must stop thinking like this. if I'm ok the kids will be ok.

I'm off work now. I had my sobbing session between 1am and 4am, so I'm going to catch up on my sleep now. Speak later Oh and I'm going to ring Relate later just for myself.

"I think as he has reached his mid 30's it is catching up with him. I think he is unhappy because of the way I behave, because of his drinking, and all the years of alcohol abuse has effected him psychologically. I know it has physically."

This jumped out at me. You need to not take the blame for how he feels, it is not all your fault. I would suspect you could be depressed, one sign of depression is taking the blame for everything onto yourself. He is also trying to off load the guilt onto you.

He should not move back in. You are not a servant.

Go to see the GP and get some counselling for yourself. You home is not broken, you can make a new home for yourself and the children. Get yourself some help now!

Don't think of you home as broken - think of it that a rusty bit has just fallen off and now the rest isn't going to be slowed down by it anymore!

Seriously I have no experience of you situation but think you are absolutely awesone for being as clear-headed as your are under the circumstance.

Please dont even consider taking back a man who says he doesnt love you. There is no futher lowness to fall to, thats rock bottom. Why is it we woman refuse to hear the truth, even when its shrieking in our ear?He is telling you he doesnt love you Cherrylips, not saying I am so sorry, i made a terrible mistake, i love you dearly.

Let him go, you will be so much better off.

This came up a while ago - why infidelity is seen as the final deal-breaker in a relationship that has been routinely abusive and unhappy. But sadly, Cherrylips even the infidelity and him telling you he doesn't love you hasn't turned out to be the final straw.

70% is not good enough. I think you're inflating even that, FWIW. You say your relationship is toxic and the DCs have had to witness violent scenes and have been living with an alcoholic and all the problems that brings.

You are allowing yourself to feel blame yet again for his choices and his behaviour. Please don't do this. Give this up.

Do please go to Relate and persevere with it. You absolutely need an objective third party to validate what we see in your posts. One day, once you are free of this man, you will look back in astonishment that you put up with this for so long.

Oh and Akhems if you're reading this, I think the advice you gave was brilliant and really insightful. My suggestion about a separate thread was so that you could benefit from some direct and personal help, not because I thought you were hijacking the thread at all. I think the best advice comes from personal experience and it is a strength of Mumsnet when people are brave enough to share that. Hope you are okay .

Good to hear from you Cherry.. I'm sorry he's such an arse. Mine found fault with everything too all of a sudden when it was never an issue before. I think they have to do that to justify the OW, ie if you weren't so crap at x y or z then they wouldn't have strayed.. does that make sense?

Be strong, 70% good is NOT enough!! you deserve far more than that.

Thanks wwifn.. a lot has happened in the last week or so and I'm just trying to process it all. I did show him Mr wwifn's post last night (he sounds like a lovely man) but no idea if it he read it or not. Also gave him 'the book'. It's up to him to do the work to rebuild our relationship now, I've done my bit. We're now in separate bedrooms and will remain so until he either takes the necessary steps to work on himself and our relationship or he moves out.

I've done a lot of work on myself and my issues and I'm a lot stronger and self aware than I was. I'm not willing to be taken advantage of any longer and the doormat sign has been removed from my back.

Karmann has been the most amazing support off board, I can't thank her enough.

My future will be good, however it pans out

cherrylips he is being an utter arse and I can't believe he's told you he doesn't love you but still expects to move back in. what a tw*t. you are going to do so much better without all that toxic crap going on. hang on in there. hope kids are doing ok xx m'rocco xx

Have name changed so that ex H cannot read my posts!

He stayed in Birmingham for a week and a bit. Then moved back to our home town. Then moved back into our home for a few days.

We were hoping to see Relate really soon, to start sorting out things.

But we have just had the conversation about love again.

I am so hurt.

He has said that I have chipped away at his love for him over the years and there is none left.

I asked him why he had come back to the family home. He said because he thought that maybe he could build up feeling for me again.

I said that this was really unfair, and could he move back to Birmingham again tomorrow. He said yes fine.

This has got to be it, I must not go back on this. This little whimper of a week has wrecked my head completely.

I CAN be a lone parent, I CAN enjoy life, and I WILL accept what has happened and move on and heal.

I must be strong!!

Argh - moondial, send that bloke to me and I will deliver him a swift kick in the nuts!

What he is basically saying is that if you are a good girl and behave, you do not criticise him and do not make him feel bad for ruining your life and being a pathetic, sexually incontinent selfish waste of space, then he may be generous enough to bestow his wondrous love on you.

WTF??? Who died and made him God? The man is an absolute albatross and without him I bet within weeks you will not recognise the person you once were because of his presence.

Hee hee, that made me :-) abedelia!! Could you "roundhouse kick" him in the nuts for maximum pain. Start limbering up now!!

Blimey - I MUST try and get some sleep.

WTF, excuse my language...
guy drinks and abuses his wife and then wants you and the World to feel sorry for him???

what a waste of skin

you have to just remember that he manipulated you all those years and on top of that wanted to get away with having an affair...