I am the relationship abuser

[paradox]

I'm asking for trouble with this one, but come and tell me what you think please.

Last night DH and I were bickering about something. In the end, I agreed to change my plans but I was feeling aggrieved at him telling me what to do. I was using the PC at the time. So after he'd walked away I decided to search on the words "controlling relationship". I found this webpage from the US where a relationship psychologist had written a sort of questionnaire about people who are abusive in relationships. It said if your partner does one of these things, be careful, if its 2 or 3, think about leaving. If more than 3 then get out now because you will be emotionally and possibly physically abused.
To cut a long story short, I'd only got to the fourth point when I realised it was describing me not DH. It was written for women to identify abusive men, but in the end it better described me, the woman, than it described DH.

It was horrible. I didn't hit every point but I did come up on a lot of them all of it stuff I have done that i am not proud of.

DH's parting words to me as he left the room after the argument were: "It's not fair of you to say I have a problem. I don't. I am really a very easy going person". After reading the website, I realised he was telling the truth and I am horrified to realise that I am a serious danger to DH.

I felt like emailing the author to say "I do a lot of those things, but I don't mean to be an abuser. What you say is my motivation for doing them, well it isn't, or at least not consciously".

I told DH what I had read. He said these sort of surveys are too vague to be taken at face value. He said I was just a bit demanding which was very generous of him. So please tell me what I can do to stop this? I don't want to be such a horrible person and I don't want to hurt DH, or give him low self-esteem and depression (which the article says I will end up doing).

Blimey. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that intentions are a key factor in abusive behaviours. So for example when I look at my relationship with my son if I replicated the bahviour with DH I'd be abusive - but I do need to maintain control over DS for his own safety - so he learns about the world without too many first hand hard lessons.

So, when you're behaving disrespectfully to your FH - what's the reason? Do you want to control him? Do you think he has less say in things than you do? Or is it more that you genuinely love and value him but really need to work on your self-control?

I don't know. I just think I am right about the subject we are arguing over. If he convinces me that he is right, then I drop it. If I still think I am right and it seems important enough then I keep going. Usually it is about something that affects both our lives or our family.
I don't want to control him, but i don't want to be controlled either. Sometimes though, something that seems important in the heat of the moment, isn't really. But I keep on.

We've been together 15 years. this isn't anew relationship. I remember in the beginning one of the things I really liked about DH is that he is his own man, not one of those men who seem to want to be pushed around. Or one of the ones who seemed to want to be in charge of me.

When i am angry I say things that I sort of believe more or less, but I say them in a way that has a lot stronger feeling about the subject than I feel really.
If I think i have hurt him though, I stop immediately and really want to make him better. More usually though, its me who ends up really upset.

To be honest, I don't think abusive, controlling partners agonise too much over their behaviour, or do questionnaires to find out whether they are abusive.

And those online questionnaires could probably be made to fit anyone, like horoscopes.

Chill, but try being a bit more easy going.

And I need to take my own advice...

Mm. I'd probably keep going in those circs too. But what sort of arguments are we talking about here?

And what Tawdry said too!

Can you give some examples?

do you try to control every aspect of his life? Can he only be hungry/tired if you are. Do you get cross at the thought of what he might be thinking about you? ie, you need to control how his perception of you?

Do you get cross if he ignores your suggestions? LIke you say to him to get the bus as it's easier and cheaper and he says, no it's ok I'll drive. Does that kind of thing make you angry?

Do you put him down? Do you try to manipulate situations with bad moods and silences? Do you call him names and mock him? Do you remind him of his weaknesses and failures?

Normal arguments... what to do about some problem or other. Whether I'm too easy on the Dc or he expects too much of them. Or what to do when one of the Dc's teacher is not very good. Why i haven't done something in the hosue that i said I would. Who was it that took the party invite of the fridge (and now we can't remember what time it starts). that sort of stuff. Also, we made a big decision a few years back that has cost us almost all our savings. We argue about whose idea that was (his), and the consequences, which we are paying for dearly at the moment.

Paradox - can you give the link to the website? Sounds really interesting.
Your H sounds great and really supportive - I would go on what he says rather than a questionnaire

do you try to control every aspect of his life? NO
Can he only be hungry/tired if you are. No, of corse not!
Do you get cross at the thought of what he might be thinking about you? ie, you need to control how his perception of you? No.

Do you get cross if he ignores your suggestions? LIke you say to him to get the bus as it's easier and cheaper and he says, no it's ok I'll drive. Does that kind of thing make you angry? Sometimes.

Do you put him down? No.

Do you try to manipulate situations with bad moods and silences? No.
Do you call him names and mock him? I imitate him sometimes when we are having an argument.

Do you remind him of his weaknesses and failures? Yes only in really bad arguments though. See my last post about our savings.

loves2walk - I will look for it in my internet history. I am really embarrassed to show it though but I will (remembering that no one knows me)

Ah. You can't forgive and forget that big decision can you? Is that making you genuinely less trusting in his judgement, or are you picking over details now because a. you wish you'd done more those years ago or b. to punish him a little?

You don't sound abusive by the way - but not as happy together as you could be IMO.

counsellingresource.com/quizzes/loser/

I didn't come up on all of these things.

Just reading that link now.

Please tell me you pass the waitress test?!

paradox , just one suggestion. Treat your dh like you`d like him to treat you.
i think your worrying to much tbh.

PerArduaAdNauseum - I try to move on from it, but it has affected my trust in his judgement. He's just more willing to take risks than me. He always was, but I loved him so much/ belived in him so much that I went along with it. And now its a disaster. Even he acknowledges that. But it means that we have to adjust our whole lives and right now I don't know where the bottom is, so I am now ultra-careful and he is still more optimistic about how things will turn out (and therefore how much money we can afford to spend).

Thanks paradox - very American type article! Very extreme.

As someone said, the very fact you are looking into this in so much detail shows that you care enough about your H and your relationship for it not to be abusive.

Sounds like you're giving yourself a hard time though.

waitress test - em, well no. I once got v. angry with a waiter when we were on a weekend break in Ljubljana. He served everyone else at our table and just left me sitting. So i cancelled my order because I didn't want to eat alone. Then he delivered the order 20 mins later anyway. I was mad, refused to accept it or pay for it and demanded to see the manager. Then I didn't want to leave a tip. DH was mortified and very upset with me for making a fuss. This was 12 years ago, but its a tick on that box anyway.

Sounds like you had a reason there.

You're an over-thinker I think...

But you might want to do something about the not-forgiving bit. Does DH accept that you've reason to still be scared?

DH's view is that there is risk in everything and you've just got to get on with things. I agree. I am petrified though that we'll make another mistake because even a small mistake will have a big impact on us now.
I convince myself that I've forgiven DH and then we disagree about something and back out it comes as a reason why my thinking is clearer.

I hear what you are all saying - lighten up. I guess that means that you don't think i am an abuser, maybe just overly analytical and a bit depressed (which is true). I guess I should remove myself to the mental health threads!

And go easy on yourself

I don't think one example, over a 15yr relationship, of being horrible to a waiter because of crap service really counts.

The waitress test is more along the lines of "being obnoxious, all of the time, to waiters etc. because you genuinely think you are superior".

Paradox, It's my H that was the abusive one (I was difficult to live with though) - however, once he realised what was going on (after I confronted him) he accepted his role and is now in therapy for the last 9-10 months.
He had a terrible upbringing and I genuinely feel that it was his background that led him to act the way he did. Since starting therapy (me too separately) there have been huge improvements.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if you acknowledge your role in the difficulties and take steps to make changes, things can change. Go easy on yourself, but if something inside you feels things are not right, you should act on them.

I think imitating someone while having an argument is something that has to stop immediately. This is just as bad as stopping a discussion by slapping someone in the face. It is demeaning to the other person and effectively ends any serious attempt to resolve whatever problem is being discussed. It is an abusive form of communication.

Continuously reminding your DH of a mistake he made many years ago is similarly destructive, whether the effects are now costing you money or not. Same goes for trying to figure out who took the invitation off the fridge -- it actually doesn't matter any more who took the invitation or who was responsible for the financial mistake. What matters now, and what mattered then, is the relationship. Is the relationship #1 on the list of what needs to be preserved in any discussion that comes up? Is the best possible solution to the current problem uppermost in your mind when you harp on about the past while trying to discuss money or what time the party starts, today? (How does carping about the past solve your current dilemma?) Or is it your intention to whack the DH over the head with a reminder of how his decision from the past is now costing you money? It really is possible to discern your intentions if you try.

If you can answer No, the preservation of the relationship is not your #1 priority when you and your DH talk about issues, then your intention must by default lie elsewhere.

Perhaps some counselling would help you resolve your festering resentment over the mistake that materially diminished your lifestyle. Re-enacting your disappointment, outrageous disbelief, anger, etc. is for what? Will it fix the mistake? Does it even make you feel better for yet another venting over it? He is human and made a mistake...does this give you license to build a platform of resentment on his back and force him to forever carry it?

Try acceptance. Accept where you are and move on from there.

The kind of emotional abuse I endured was the kind that rendered me invisible. Statements of intention were made instead of giving me the respect of existing by asking my opinion. For example: "I am coming to the event." rather than "TMSB, is it all right with you if I came too?" So try not to steamroll over him as if he isn't even there. (I didn't really get from your posts that you might be doing that, just wanted to give another point of possibility to consider.)

It is easy to quickly jump to a conclusion about a circumstance-like the invite on the fridge. Once a scenario is manufactured it is hard to consider that it might be mistaken and set it aside for another alternative. No matter how positively sure you are, it could still be wrong-so invest some time before things get to the boiling point. Ask: simply, innocently, nicely. And respect the response. Respect the person-respect the response. Not respecting the response is the same as not respecting the person.

People that make mistakes are still respectable people.

I don't think you are mental...I think it is an issue of style of communication: it is somewhat combative and harsh. Try more kindness, be calm and think. Take your time-slow down. I agree with mathanxiety on imitations.