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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP has told her that he's moved on - so why does he keep e-mailing her?

35 replies

venusneptunepluto · 01/07/2010 19:37

New here.

Have been with dp for five years. There is a girl from his past who has a big crush on him still. He also liked her a lot in the past but they never got it together.

Recently she has moved back into town and is single. I have found out through facebook that they have been e-mailing each other. I was suspicious as one of his mates teased him about it. On the e-mail he told her he did like her in the past and they had a connection but he has moved on. He then told her that he was sorry that nothing happened between them but he guessed they were too shy. But then he ended the letter by saying that he would speak to her soon. What does this mean? I'm very upset.

OP posts:

Original poster

venusneptunepluto · 01/07/2010 19:37

I'm ashamed to say that I hacked into his account.

OP posts:

angel1976 · 01/07/2010 19:40

What are you upset about? He said he has moved on... I don't see the issue unless you have a problem with him emailing the girl?

Original poster

venusneptunepluto · 01/07/2010 19:57

I think it's because he sounded warm rather than cold in his reply. I feel threatened esp when his mate was teasing him about her. She's pretty and intelligent. They have history.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 01/07/2010 20:02

ask him

watch his eyes

Mrsbubblebum · 01/07/2010 20:10

I don't have any advice but I wouldn't like it if I was in your place... Is there any way for you to talk to your DH about it?

susie100 · 01/07/2010 23:26

You must have had a reason to hack into his facecook. Has he done this sort of things before? So far he seems to have behaved well. Ideally he should cut all contact and not agree to speak soon. That would bother me. I would watch and wait.

msboogie · 01/07/2010 23:33

I have been in a similar position in the past.

Quite simply, your DP is free to choose - you or her. Ask him to make that choice - no pressure - no screaming - no tears - just tell him that if he wants to give thing a go with her then he is free to do so. If he chooses you then he must contact her and tell her that nothing is going to happen and that he won't be in touch again. If he chooses her then you bow out with your dignity intact.

ladynotsogaga · 02/07/2010 07:09

talk to him and look him in the eye when you do. Everythings in the eyes

Anniegetyourgun · 02/07/2010 07:43

He told her he had moved on. Did he also happen to mention he was actually with someone, had been for five years, intended to remain with her, anything like that?

devilsadvocaat · 02/07/2010 07:52

give the guy a break.
maybe he didn't reply in a cold manner because he wanted to let her down gently.
he said he has moved on. that should be enough.
he is allowed to talk to other people without your knowledge, you shouldn't be hacking into his fb, email etc.

why don't you trust him?
is this more to do with your own self esteem?

diddl · 02/07/2010 08:26

Well, tbh that sounds to me a little open ended-I´ve moved on but..there might still be hope?

Anniegetyourgun · 02/07/2010 08:30

devil, I see where you're coming from, but some things need nipping in the bud and this sounds like potentially one of those things.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 02/07/2010 12:50

Oh your DP is laying pathways here, rather than closing a door! What those messages are saying is yes, I could still find you attractive, yes I would have liked a chance to see where it could go, yes I've moved on, but you never know what the future holds now that we're not too shy and I will be in touch.

Whereas he should have said "It's good to hear from you. I'm really happy with Venus and have been for 5 years, she's good for me. I hope everything works out for you too."

Now, if he had told you "You never guess what? Old flame got in touch recently and we've been messaging on FB" leaving his FB page open and accessible, you'd have no real worries, apart from him being a bit pathetic about telling her the truth about his life.

Secrecy and old flames is a noxious and potent mix though.

Tryharder · 02/07/2010 13:04

I am going to go a bit against popular opinion here. To me, it sounds like your DP is a nice man who has let this girl down kindly. I don't think there is anything in his email that suggested anything dodgy. He said he liked her (he used to), that they didn't get together (for the reasons given) but that he has now moved on (he's with you now). It sounds very much like she has made moves on him and he has let her down gently with respect and without being a bastard or callous about it. Would you really respect someone who said "I'm with so and so now so fuck off and leave me alone, bitch".

TBH, your own behaviour (hacking into his account) suggests that you are by nature quite suspicious and untrusting and unless he has given you reason to be like that, he hasn't told you about this woman in case you kick off.

diddl · 02/07/2010 13:13

But IMO, if he knows she still has a crush on him, he needs to be direct & not give hope (which imo he has done) where there is none.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 02/07/2010 13:15

Would I respect a man who said "fuck off bitch!" well, no of course not.

I would respect a man who said: ""It's good to hear from you. I'm really happy with Venus and have been for 5 years, she's good for me. I hope everything works out for you too." which is neither callous, nor inviting.

And yes, I expect if Venus confronts this, she will be told that he didn't tell her because she would kick off - neatly passing the blame to her, don't you think?

notnearlyasblondasiwas · 02/07/2010 13:28

I agree with Tryharder, I think he sounds like a decent guy letting someone down gently. I think you need to talk to him rather than hacking into accounts

Tryharder · 02/07/2010 13:51

The way I see it: some years ago, a man with whom I had had a long, very intense relationship (that ended badly) contacted me after not being in touch for about 4 years. By then, I had met DH and we had just had DS1. He emailed me on an old email address and asked me to ring him which I did. He expressed an interest in rekindling our relationship. I told him something very similar to what the OP's DP told this woman. I never, ever told DH about the phone call - what would have been the point? He is by nature quite jealous - not necessarily a bad trait - just the way he is. Why cause my DH any self doubt or give him any reason to worry when I had absolutely no intention of seeing this ex again or rekindling the relationship.

I personally wouldn't say anything to your DP. If you admit you hacked into his FB account, you immediately put yourself into the wrong and him on the defensive. In the end, he cannot help it that she a) moved back into town b) is still single and c) made the moves on him.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/07/2010 14:17

Tryharder, did you also tell the old flame that you would speak to him soon?

diddl · 02/07/2010 14:25

"He emailed me on an old email address and asked me to ring him which I did."

What was the point of contacting at all?

AnyFucker · 02/07/2010 14:39

TH...did you keep up an email relationship with that man ?

This bloke is still in (regular?) contact with this girl

keeping his options open, I call it

It pisses me off when we excuse men who are really too weak to be totally clear in their communication...

To me, it means one of two things
a) they have fuck-all emotional intelligence and that would not be compatible with marriage to me
b) he is keeping her dangling, on the off-chance he gets to have a go

Both scenarios are shite, tbh

OP...insist he cuts off contact if it bothers you

diddl · 02/07/2010 15:09

Oh and sometimes if you don´t tell a girl clearly they become stalkers, make nuisance phonecalls, phone the wife and pretend they have a child by your husband......

Original poster

venusneptunepluto · 02/07/2010 20:33

Hi all,

Thanks for that. I think that you are right in that he's a decent guy trying to let me down.

I think that her crush was rekindled because he invited to a family halloween party (as she knows his sister but to which he did not attend as we were going out). What pissed me off is that he invited her to the family house (we all live there atm) and they were close in the past. Mabe he thought that she had moved on too and didn't think that she would get the hots for him again.

OP posts:

Original poster

venusneptunepluto · 02/07/2010 20:35

let her down i mean.

OP posts:

Original poster

venusneptunepluto · 02/07/2010 21:15

Anyone? imean is a normal to invite an old flame to the place where you share with your partner?

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