Am I just being paranoid or should I be worried?

[IsHe]

Background- Dh and I married 10 years, 2 children. Not without our problems, but no history of cheating.

Has recently started working later. In his previous job he would do this alot (I worked for same company then so know he was genuinely working), but in his new job has not needed to do this. One day after working very late the previous evening sent me a text saying 'by the way copied you in on an email sent from work last night to prove to you I really was at work'. The thing is I had not questioned him working late atall. I know he can be very obsessive conscientious about his work and also that he had lost his supervisor (he's the manager) so was trying to do 2 peoples jobs.

Since then there's been several other things that have got me thinking.

He went away to a work awards night. This happens every year so I've known about it for a while, so that's all above board. But he spent a ridiculous amount of money while he was there (which we really couldn't afford). Company pay for the room, the meal and I think a couple of drinks, so noway should he needed to have spent that much. Probably would have just shrugged this off as him maybe being too generous and buying all his staff drinks, but then he brought home a menu from the hotel to 'prove how expensive it all was' .

He came home from it is a fantastic mood, all hugs and kisses for me, full of fun and wanting to spoil our children. Which was lovely, but way more full-on than he normally is. Since then his mood has being really eratic. High one day, really moody and snappy the next.

He's away again just now (work again). There is a meeting once a month that he goes to, but normally there and back in one day. This time though there was also a meeting the day before, so he stayed overnight. Called me to say there'd been a mistake at the hotel and it was overbooked so to secure his room he'd needed to give then our card details but it should get sorted out and the company will pay, but just in case the hotel take it off our account meantime he wanted to tell me so I wouldn't wonder what was happening if I saw it on the online banking. Oh and also he was going into the local town to get a couple of things he'd forgotton- in case I saw this on the bank too.

I had not questioned this trip away. I wouldn't have questioned any purchases. Maybe would have asked about the hotel room, but know that mistakes happen and as long as it comes back in his expenses that's fine.

There's several other small silly things that I wouldn't normally even think about, but when added with the larger things I'm starting to think somethings going on.

So, if you've managed to read this far, what do you think? Why is he trying to suddenly justify working late/ where he is and spending money all of a sudden?

His behaviour has obviously alarmed you, you feel very uneasy and your gut instinct is telling you something odd is going on. Seeing as you've been married for 10 years, I'd say you know him well enough to trust in your instincts that something isn't right.

The fact that he is trying to justify his actions when you haven't even questioned him seems to display some guilt/ conciousness of his different behaviour; the key is to finding out the truth of what is going on, because we can only speculate.

I know some people recommend going down the private investigator route; it depends whether you're ready for that sort of thing, or feel it's appropriate at this stage.

But, its coming across that you know in your heart that something is askew here and therefore there will come a point when you need to know the truth.

I hope that it all gets resolved for you soon and that you're okay.

He could be justifying his actions if there had been an issue of trust between you both before ... not just trust about other people but also money issues as he seems to have to justify these financial moves.

But odd behaviour happens for a reason - I think you need a calm chat with him saying "I think I am being silly bat dear but recently I have felt uneasy because....."

Hmmmm it's a tough one to call - agree with shineoncrazydiamond about talking to him - tell him that the very nature of him proving stuff a lot of the time is giving you cause to worry. That you probably wouldn't have given it a moment's notice until he drew attention to it.

But also agree with shineoncrazydiamond, I would probably end up having a sneaky peak at his phone and bill if you are really worried. But be careful if you do this because if you find something, you have to think first about how you're going to deal with something you could possibly find.

I'm crossing fingers for you that you've put two and two together and coming up with five. But I completely understand why you are doubting things - it's easy to get something in your head sometimes.

I think he's having an affair. People who actually aren't very accomplished liars frequently over-compensate by second-guessing what someone else might think. Mood swings ranging from over-affectionate outbursts to moody wallowing are also huge signs.

The clue, as ever will be on a phone, but look for a second one too. Check bills and if necessary register for online billing, which will show the last 2 years of bills normally.

Re. the "overbooked room" just ring the hotel and say you were staying because you work for XX (his) company and you had a meeting, you can't remember the room number, but you think you lost an earring. Ask them what meeting room "you" were in, because you think you might also have lost it there. This will cause them to check the entire booking.

Finally, rack your brains. Has there been any mentionitis about anyone? Or was there once and it has now stopped?

Goodness me no - any request for honesty will be met with a denial, if this is an affair that he wants to continue, but he doesn't want to leave the marriage. And then he'll be much more careful if he thinks you've got suspicions.

Reckon it could be something other than cheating, but still not a good thing? Like a gambling habit? That would explain the excessive spending.

The hotel booking thing is distinctly though.

I think the phone is a good indicator too. Has he been keeping it close by him, whereas previously it had been lying around?

Absolutely bang on WWIFN, has he mentioned a name? One that has inadvertantly cropped up in a conversation. Rack your brains for this.

He has 2 mobiles- a work one and his own. He always leaves them lying around so no suspicions there.

Theres no trust issued. We're trying to watch the money just now but that's nothing new- if he wanted to spend something he could without asking/ justifying it to me. I wouldn't feel I had to do the same if there's something I need.

He's just being..I'm not sure..just not himself just now.

I will speak to him, just wanted some other opinions before I do. Also feeling a bit worried that I do speak to him and he turns round and says he is seeing someone.

Think I was kind of hoping you'd all turn round and say I was being daft and it all sounds totally above board.

WWIFN, that's what I'm thinking- the over compensation.

I really really don't think he would want our marriage to break up. He's worships our children and hates being away from them. Plus his mother would kill him!!

I don't know which hotel he's staying in this time so I can't call them(only know the town he's in). He has had overnight stays with work before and has never spent this much or acted this way.

Is there something going on at work? Jobs at risk? Changes? etc?

My OH acts odd when there are issues with his career - he's a bear with a sore head.

When I say there's no trust issues, I mean that there's no history of affairs/ flirtations. He's never given me any cause atall to doubt him before now.

Pancake, he's job is fine. He got manager of the year at the awards thing, and told me last week his depot's hitting all the kpi's and thinks it will be top of the region at todays meeting.

But is he stressing about it? Reaching these targets is pretty hard work these days and if expectations are high.....

But it could be anything..........

I think you should speak to him before snooping through things. I really do - I think he deserves that.

Is it at all possible that someone he knows had an affair, so he suddenly feels the need to be seen to be innocent, rather than that he is thinking of getting up to anything himself?

Keep an eye on the mobile though. It's also possible he really is that stupid...

IsHe my H also left his mobile lying around (on silent). He did this of course because he knew I was such a laid back, non-jealous or snooping type that I wouldn't have dreamt of looking at his phone. Likewise, in 24 years, he had never given me any cause to wonder. I'll bet you can guess the rest.....

I am suspicious, I'm afraid, IsHe It's the uncalled-for justifications. He's thinking like a cheater.

I feel gutted on your behalf - this type of thin is so hard to deal with; you're on the back foot from the beginning. The real issue for you, now, is: If he's chaeting, what does this mean to you? Are you willing to let it ride & see if it burns out? How long would you consider that for? Do you want to raise a massive stink and hope it scares him? Or do you want to turn yourself into a sneaky, snoopy wife in order to try & find hard evidence? What would that do to your feelings and your relationship?

Hard questions, I know. But they have to be addressed. I wish you luck.

IsHe you're perhaps going to have to change your mindset here. You seem to think that if a man has an affair, he wants to break up his marriage. That is not the case in the majority of affairs. He therefore won't want to get caught at all, which is why he's volunteering unnecessary information, but not I note, the name of the hotel he is staying in.

So, is he still there then? Why can't you ring his work and ask which hotel they are at, because you can't reach him on his mobile and you need to get an urgent message to him? If they give you the name, no harm done and you can invent any reason under the sun for why you need to speak so urgently. Claim that in your panic, you must have dialled the wrong mobile number (and do just that on your phone).

The problem with confronting him with your concerns without any further evidence gathering is that in all likelihood, you will get an absolute denial. But it will put the wind up him and he'll cover his tracks much more carefully. You will also feel 10 times worse that he lied to your face, if an affair is uncovered later on down the line.

He's called to say he'll be back early evening.

I think I'll just leave things this evening- see what type of mood he's in, and keep an eye on what comes off the bank over the next couple of days.

His personal mobile is on the same account mine is, it's all online so we don't get bills through, but I'd just need to log-on to check it. I've never bothered to though. I don't want to turn into a snooping wife! I don't know his password for his emails, I've never needed it. I could probably guess it, he uses the same 4 or so passwords for everything. I just don't think I want to go down that route though

Feel a bit sick . My best friend who'd I'd normally unload on is on holiday- wish she was here to laugh and tell me I'm being daft.

Look, what's worse - a snooping wife or a deceived wife? If you find nothing, all will be fine and you can then express your concerns.

There isn't any chance that he could be an undiagnosed bipolar and having manic episodes which might explain the spending and erratic mood swings(clutching at straws)?

IsHe

I'd check his phone and emails if I were you.

If you don't look, you'll just wonder.

Not looking good, I'm afraid

He is thinking like a cheater (or close to being one)

He is putting ideas in your head, that weren't even there

Guilty conscience at play here

I would snoop, and seriously snoop

Information is power