So you realise you need to leave an abuser, but please tell me HOW???

[ItAintLush]

I read Reality's thread about listen up everybody and wow a window into my life. i'm not a full time MNer but have change my name.

So the garbled story so far.....

I told DP 9th June that it was time for massive change as the quality of life between us is dreadful. I said that if that meant we had to split up to be happier I was willing to go there.

He is incapacitated since Dec 09 and I have always known he bullied me a bit, but now there is no time alone, it's become unbearable every little bleedin' thing.

About three months ago I created a safe place in my head to retreat to when he starts. I spend more and more time fortified and less and less time being present.

My mum was going to visit for the first time in six months and I cancelled because of situation. Go and visit your mum he said, you can take the boys , you CANT take the car. Its two hundred miles across country. called my bluff I think.. Mum scuppered him and hired me a car.

Wow wow wow what an amazing week, it was like seing myself from above, feeling the fear and then realising that the drip drip drip of critisism isnt there.

And then 'i made up my mind it's over. I dare not tell dp so directly btw. We started couple councelling today and exactly what you all warned would happen.

Mr nice guy to the counceller, verge of tears, made me out to be violent and dirty. I spoke of my need for freedom in mind and spontinayity (sp sorry) to feel alive and how I felt a wish for space and openness. Silly me.

Home time and without going on, bit by bit it has been thrown up and back at me. It hurts.

To cut to the chase HELP PLEASE??!

So I have an abuser, each moment that passes its more apparent the urgency of separating but..

he says if you want to leave you can F### off and you aint taking the boys (5.5 & 2.5yrs).

how did you leave? I read thread from those who gained enough strength to do it, but what did you do?

I hoped we could sort it out face to face but dp says if I stay he'll do anything to change and it be better, but if I go, it's war.

Everything is going mad in my head,money school, ds & my friends, reality check,.

DP restricting my access to friends, sorry its long,. x Lush

Women's Aid will help you, contact them.
There are lots of MNers who have left abusers and survived and been fine, I expect loads of them will be along to offer advice and support very soon. You can do it. you can. The fact that the man is incapacitated doesn't mean you have to put up with being mistreated - whatever is wrong with him he is stil choosing to mistreat you, therefore he deserves to be left.
Don't fall for this stuff about him changing if you stay. given that he has said he will harm you if you leave. You have the RIGHT to leave. It's OK to leave. No one has the right to try to force or blackmail another person into remaining in a relationship.
Good luck. It will be OK.

Thank you Solid. I have to sleep now but thank you mn for the temporary home here, hope your right. thank you for the luck too L

Can you go and stay with your mum again, or would he be suspicious? I guess if he's that intent on you not taking the children you will need to find a way to take them out of the house when he is not there, or move them out when you out of the house with them and not him.

Sorry have to go now, be back tomorrow, good luck.

With my first h, I finally decided that enough was enough and told him that I wanted a trial separation. He left for two weeks and thought that that was enough time!!! so I told him that it was over. He was very violent toward me(again), but I'd finally found the strength and never looked back.

I'd left him some years before and went back amidst all his promises to change etc, but he didn't; he got worse and I was just a little mouse that took it all until I found the strength to get out.

It definitely wasn't easy, he was a nasty man that tried to lay the blame at my door and 20 years later I found out that he'd told everyone that he caught me in bed wiith another man. This explained why I lost most in fact almost all my friends. This is what has hurt the most; that everyone thought/thinks it was my fault.

Make sure that your friends and family know what's going on as the true friends will support you. Get your finances in order just in case he does the dirty on you and take good legal advice.
I really hope things go well for you.

Lush, you can absolutely do this. Sorry, I'm going to fire a bunch of questions at you to see what practical help you need.

Do you have any separate income? Do you work, do you have a personal account, do you have a credit card? Whose name is the house in, or do you rent? Are you in receipt of any benefits?

Does your husband work? What do you mean by "incapacitated"?

I assume the elder child is in school?

Did you talk to your Mum about all of this, is it a possibility to stay with her for a bit if need be?

Definitely call Women's Aid.

If it's the physical act of leaving which seems difficult then I'd suggest looking at the Women's Aid website. Lots of practical advice there.

Please stop all couples counselling immediately, it'll get you nowhere and just compound the abuse.

If it's the emotional impact of leaving that is daunting you then perhaps book yourself some individual therapy to support you in this very difficult time.

Reach out to family and friends, in secret if need be, to let them know what you're planning and that you need their help. I suspect they will be overjoyed to see you ready to free yourself from the shackles of this abuser, and more than happy to help. Their emotional support will be invaluable during this time, please don't be afraid to tell them everything. You have nothing to be ashamed of, no matter what he's led you to believe or said to anyone else.

When you described detatching yourself from reality when he is being abusive you were describing dissociation, most commonly seen in survivors of child sexual abuse and serious trauma. So please understand that what you are experiencing at the hands of this man is very serious trauma, and that you have every right to free yourself from it.

Hi - I have just helped a good friend of mine leave her abusive husband, her blog about it all is here

I do think it helped her a lot having me to lean on for emotional support, so I certainly second telling someone and asking for their help - both emotionally and, if possible, physically (will you need somewhere to stay, for example).

You'll get some good advice from people here who have been through similar situations to yours, but wanted to wish you luck.

will post later - on the way out the door atm, but do contact WA and your GP.

PLEASE stop couples counselling - it will only give him permission to carry on and get worse. It compounds it all in his head and he will bleat about you being oh so unreasonable (when you are NOT)

Also, do NOT tell him your plans. Violence and abuse gets worse when they realise their power is lessened.

Womens aid will help you make a safe plan and secure everything in secret before you leave - or indeed, get him to leave (the police will help with this)

Remember - if anything violent happens, 999 is your best port of call.

take care

I tried to leave 3 times. Third time I made it

The first time, I was pregnant. I signed on to jobseekers allowance but realised very quickly that: a) nobody was going to employ me, and b) until I either had my child or turned 25 (both due to happen in the same month) I would only be entitled to a room in a shared house. I decided to wait and bide my time, hope that things got better. They didn't. Fast forward one year.

2nd time, I moved about 30 miles away but it backfired: as well as leaving him, I had moved away from my support, my mum, my familiar town. Not a good plan. I felt isolated and alone, I had PND and started to fear that I would hard DS or that I would die and no-one would be aware and look after him. I went back after a month. He was so lovely. I really hoped things would get better. They didn't. 'Nice him' lasted a month, maybe no. Then the sneering look returned. Fast forward one more year.

This time (in the last few months just gone) I did everything logically. I decided I needed to:

• Keep myself motivated while in the relationship by looking at entitledto.com and seeing what I could afford in terms of rented housing in the local area.

• Sort through my possessions preparing for a move, whenever he was out. Or just under the pretext of tidying up. I got so everything looked the same, but inside every cupboard I new what was there, that it was in order, what I wanted to take, sell, throw away.

• Start looking for property right away. It took me a few months to find anything. I had no income so couldn't save for a deposit, I took out a 3 year loan to cover the 1st 2 months rent and deposit as well as a few months food & bills. I became self employed while still living in his house, and started to explore that side of things , learned a lot and kept busy. In my head I just laughed and sang 'soon I'll be free of you, la la la'

I found a property that accepted housing benefit, worked out that I could just afford it and bills etc, viewed it, agreed to rent it and paid a holding fee. Then I worried and fretted (actually I spent the few months before that worrying and fretting) about the loan coming through in time - it did - and whether everything would be okay - it was.

Now DS and I are living in the same town as my mum, a few miles from XP. XP isn't very bothered about seeing DS, he is trying to keep busy but I know he's missing us and having someone to nag all the time. Meanwhile we are happier, DS is thriving and seem so much more relaxed, his eczema has just gone so must have been stress related poor love. The atmosphere in my new cottage is full of JOY!

You can do it. Lean on everyone you can and let people help you. Soon you will be free and can stand on your own feet, there is no shame in accepting some help with furnishings (I used something called the SOFA project), housing benefit, council advice service or whatever. Literally the only thing standing between you and a happy new life is your mind. If you set your mind to it and take the necessary steps, it will happen. It might take a few months, but it will happen.

But stop the couples counsellng, don't tell him your thoughts, and get advice. Entitled to.com, LHA website for housing benefit rates in your area, CAB for legal advice. Some solicitors give free advice hours, check online or in local practices for details. Keep your chin up and don't let him get you down.

Hi, OP, I can so relate to your situation.
I am assuming- forgive me if wrong- that he is not physically violent to you. If so, that is great BUT in a weird way it's worse because you think, "I am imagining this? Is he as bad as I think?" It's easy to see bruises on an arm but not so easy to see the damage that "drip drip drip" criticism does.

My ex never hit me but he made me think I was going mental, questioning every little thing I did or said. I don't know if he was deliberately trying to make me think I was going mad or just the sort who was very argumentative and had to have his own way.
He used to say "eff off if you want. I won't follow you" (and he didn't, he DID just let me go. Which is not what abusers usually do,apparently). But it was irrelevant whether or not he fitted any particular "category" in the end because he was making me think black was white and vice versa.

God, I can so relate to the temporary "Joy" of staying with other people for a few days, though, it's as if your "old self" is back for a while, isn't it?

Good luck, OP, remember: DON'T waste time thinking whether or not this guy is an "abuser" or "just" an arse- I wasted a lot of time thinking about the distinction between the two. So it's possible you might.

It DOESN'T MATTER which category he fits into - day by day, he is destroying your sense of self and making you miserable THAT is enough to leave him.

hi, he's out the front chatting to a neighbour. Thank you ladies. this is a weird day he's crying and pleading me to put my guard down, but it is almost imposible. Truth is ive been like this for months. All that is different is my pretence on the surface.

So much is true of what 'i read here. Its a battle to keep the thoughts in check 'is it real' I must be going bonkers etc

CheerfulVicky

sorry he popped up, it's daft of me to try this now, if i can't come here i'm lost. Just want to say thank you, you are keeping me sane

Stay safe, ItAintLush. If he does discover you on here then you can always change your name and post again - remember to delete your history when you have been on here. If you are using an up to date browser you could use "private mode" (the name changes slightly depending on what program you are using) - it's usually found in the Tools Menu.

If I ever posted when XP was in the house I would use the private mode and keep another window open like facebook or another thread on mumsnet like a parent and child parking space thread or something So that I could quickly close the window with the escaping thread in.

WA site also talks you through how to clear cookies and things, but the safest thing is to use Private browsing like bertie said - it stops cookies and all history traces so you don't have to worry about it

thanks, just a fleeting hello. Things are getting harder quickly, but atleat they are changing.

Hi. Now DP is on the school run, so clear for a bit. Tips on history welcome, have been selectively clearing history rather than blanking so not to blantatly look like im hiding stuff.

My dp had an accident at work in Oct last year and finally stopped work in Dec. Since then the issues between us have compounded, stuff has been happening for years but the hothouse effect of him being at home had well probably saved us a few more years getting here.

Since i said to dp that it is bad enough for me to seek any route away from our dynamics, including separating it has become a roller coaster ride of dealing with dp as a snarling child or with him in tears.

DP is older than me with grown up children, has 4 grandchildren too. His sisters have phoned each other and then his children and, according to dp, they are non too happy with me. His daughter is pregnant and I will be held to blame if anything happens to the baby (two early losses for her, now at 22ish weeks). His son will not visit 'here'.

I had expected this to come, but it is making me more determined to go. I can see from others very moving and similar stories that it is the gathering of strength and the biding of time that will serve me best.

Fortunatley I am employed (4hrs a week!) and self-employeed (bits and pieces, no big time stuff). We rent our house and my mum will help with a deposit she said.

At the moment do not share these details with friends as we both see them in the village, and of late dp has been 'reading' their faces to see if i have been talking about him.

My mum and extended family are 200 miles away and we never have had a deeply open relationship as I don't want to worry her (ive always been miles from home, often overseas).

Funnily enough ive been having a sort and a serious chuk out in the belief that what i was seeking was more space in the house, but now i can see that it its an emotional wish too, and these tidy cupboards will be much easier to move.

Will secretly start to look for places to rent, have an appointment to see the headmistress at the school about DS1's place if we move out of the village so I will know the score there. he is in year 2 in a bit an then to the not so good juniors the year after, so a move to a better juniors/primary might work for us too, with travel back next year.

well I shall stop rambling now, better have something to 'show' i did while he was out.

If any of you have made it this far, THANKYOU. This is a lifeline for this isolation, im only sorry that im not alone as this is awful and unpredicatble and hardening for the soul.

Just so you know someone is reading. Try to have a good day.

Yes, I'm following too and wishing you all the best Another thing you may notice when looking for a place to rent is the issue of a guarantor. I didn't need one in the end, but I worried myself sick about it, because I was convinced without one (I had no-one to ask) I would have to put up 6 months rent in advance. You don't always need one but if working part time, self employed or on a low income/HB, some agencies ask for one - some don't, like mine.

But that's so wonderful your mum is helping with the deposit! Would she guarantee your rent as well if needed, or do you know anyone else who would? When I rented my place I just said I would need to claim housing benefit, that I was just recently self employed, and that was that. I gave two character refs, and then they asked for a bankers ref to indicate my ability to pay the monthly rent as well. After a mild panic I gave them the joint account for that, as all my money was going there and my current account was dead for the duration of the relationship. I have now taken over the joint acc, I made him give me his cashcash. Then he asked for his door key back Not ideal long term because our credit histories are entwined, but will have to do for now.

They will just want to see you are trustworthy etc. Anything you can prepare now, at your leisure, that will help to show you are a dream tenant will help you in the long run. And it can be a nice way of preparing to leave, working through these boring but necessary bits. Makes it feel more real as well as getting some of the mental headaches and groundwork out of the way. I don't know where you are in the country, in Cornwall rents are hellishly high. But its worth thinking about how much help you could get with rent, the different prices depending on area, and how you might make up any different in HB and rent. You have time to reflect on what you can afford and get a game plan in your head. This will ensure that when you leave you are calm, strong, and confident. You will have done all the thinking and be ready to spring into action!

Hi IAL, I've been reading your thread but didn't have any practical suggestions that haven't already been covered by other posters here so hadn't posted. But thought I'd pop my head up so you know there are people listening to you.

From your post it sounds like you've taken some pretty big steps already. I recognise that isolation you talk about from when I was with my abusive ex. I did confide in a couple of friends eventually and it was the best thing I could have done.

Is there anyone you'd trust enough to talk with? You mention your husband's 'reading people's faces' - so I do understand you're reluctant to talk but it's also one of the ways he's keeping you isolated, dependent and frightened.

What do you think about contacting WA?

Take care IAL and keep going. You're doing brilliantly despite all his manipulation. I know it takes guts.

err, cashCARD rather

Please contact Women's Aid, AIL. You sound very isolated, and you sound like he's done a very good job of isolating you from support, so don't make this your only lifeline, try Women's Aid too. wont show up on the phone bill.

The "reading other people's faces" thing is total bullshit unless he's Derren Brown! Speak to friends about what's happening and tell them to pretend to be nice to him when they see him or he'll take it out on you. I guarantee you he wont know the difference. I know abusers can seem all powerful when you are suffering their abuse, but they aren't. They're mostly so fucked up they are incredibly bad at reading other people, lacking empathy is a serious handicap when reading body language.

Forget his family, they are no longer your problem so just try and ignore them.

You may not feel too close to your mum, but if you have a cordial relationship I would urge you to reach out to her anyway. You need lots of people on your side. If not her, then any other member of your family who you feel able to open up to.

I know it's hard, but please remember you are not at fault, you are in a very difficult situation and it would really help you to get support. You don't need to do this alone, OK? We will be here of course, but you really need real life support for something like this.

Hi Lush, gosh I can so relate to how you must be feeling and it really is no way to live. I left my abuser in February by moving to a women's refuge. I can say with my hand on my heart it was the best move I ever made. Here is my thread, it may be of help to you www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/936487-For-anyone-desperate-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship-but- reluctant

As I type my DD is playing happily in our lovely garden with her new friends. I can hear her laughing and having fun and it gives me the best feeling in the world. I can sit and relax without having that dark fog in my head and that feeling of pressure in my chest. These days I breathe properly rather than the shallow throat only breaths I used to take. It's wonderful.

I do hope you manage to make the break soon Lush I really do. Wishing you lots of love, luck and strength until you do xx

I tried to leave twice, but was finally successful on the third occasion. As you will find out, some of the stuff he is saying and doing is textbook. It never ceases to amaze me how very much the same these people are. You know that stuff about his sisters and kids is a pack of lies, don't you?

I would recommend speaking to your local police's domestic violence team. I hesitated to do this because I was never hit etc., but they were great and really got it. The advantage is that if anything kicks off and your details are flagged, your 999 call takes priority. Tell them the threats he has made as well. Also tell your GP, so it's in your medical notes.

Get practical and hide stuff away. Paperwork, photos, jewellery were what mattered to me. I also did the tidying thing and left some bags of DD's clothes with a friend.

But most importantly, stay safe. I really played along with my ex when I had the same realisation you have had (also being triggered by being away) because it was too risky for me to say I wanted to leave. I too lived in a village and I think the isolation can make it feel more unsettling.

Timing wise, I would strongly recommend you make the break in the summer holidays. I did and it gave DD and me time to find a place, get back on our feet and then the new school year helped it seem in the past quite quickly.

Keep posting, plenty of us know what it's like. I'm off to have a couple of drinks and plan what I'm wearing tomorrow night - stuff I was never previously allowed to do.

hi you both ds at home sick in night dp upstairs been dying to come here and see. Have to go but feel amazed at the parallels in this situation. lets see what today brings, it hurts sooo much. thank you for being there x