So you realise you need to leave an abuser, but please tell me HOW???

[ItAintLush]

I read Reality's thread about listen up everybody and wow a window into my life. i'm not a full time MNer but have change my name.

So the garbled story so far.....

I told DP 9th June that it was time for massive change as the quality of life between us is dreadful. I said that if that meant we had to split up to be happier I was willing to go there.

He is incapacitated since Dec 09 and I have always known he bullied me a bit, but now there is no time alone, it's become unbearable every little bleedin' thing.

About three months ago I created a safe place in my head to retreat to when he starts. I spend more and more time fortified and less and less time being present.

My mum was going to visit for the first time in six months and I cancelled because of situation. Go and visit your mum he said, you can take the boys , you CANT take the car. Its two hundred miles across country. called my bluff I think.. Mum scuppered him and hired me a car.

Wow wow wow what an amazing week, it was like seing myself from above, feeling the fear and then realising that the drip drip drip of critisism isnt there.

And then 'i made up my mind it's over. I dare not tell dp so directly btw. We started couple councelling today and exactly what you all warned would happen.

Mr nice guy to the counceller, verge of tears, made me out to be violent and dirty. I spoke of my need for freedom in mind and spontinayity (sp sorry) to feel alive and how I felt a wish for space and openness. Silly me.

Home time and without going on, bit by bit it has been thrown up and back at me. It hurts.

To cut to the chase HELP PLEASE??!

So I have an abuser, each moment that passes its more apparent the urgency of separating but..

he says if you want to leave you can F### off and you aint taking the boys (5.5 & 2.5yrs).

how did you leave? I read thread from those who gained enough strength to do it, but what did you do?

I hoped we could sort it out face to face but dp says if I stay he'll do anything to change and it be better, but if I go, it's war.

Everything is going mad in my head,money school, ds & my friends, reality check,.

DP restricting my access to friends, sorry its long,. x Lush

Hi ItAintLush
Nothing much to add that others haven't said other than please believe that you can make the move. You won't regret it! Just think little steps to making it happen - not the whole overwhelming picture.

Don't worry about his family. With a bit of luck you won't ever have to see them again once you leave. They are probably more worried that your partner will become their problem if you leave!

You will probably be surprised with friends and your mum if you do tell them what is going on. They will be helpful and they will believe you. It sounds to me like your mum suspects something anyway as she sorted out a hire car for you to visit last time.

Keep positive and keep focused and keep posting on here if it helps.

CheerfulVicky - sorry for the hijack, but I think you need to sort that joint account out asap. Just withdraw all the money in the account (do this before you close it) and open a new one in your name, then contact your landlord and get the bank details changed over. Keep the old one open while you get the HB sorted in case it takes a while, but as soon as you can you need to close it - not only could your ex go into any branch of that bank with ID and access the account, but I think it's actually fraud to keep it open when you are no longer living together. Sorry - if you already know this ignore me! I understand it takes a while to get your head sorted after leaving someone like that

Lush - I suggest that when you go you make your DS1's school aware of the situation. They have protection in place which means that if you tell them your partner has been abusive and he must not collect him from school they won't let him take him, so you could leave while DS1 is at school and only have DS2 to worry about. Then arrange to collect DS1 early in case he turns up at the school.

it is only when your eyes ope that you realise the bounds that hold you. Its been days since I could sit here with the freedom to think and let out thoughts.

I knoww my situation is not the worst that some suffer, and for that I feel guilty, ungrateful for what I have.

I am now seriously confused, dp is tearful and bereft and absolutely trying, in his own way. He is still sulky, trying, childish, demanding, impatient and negative.

I am still in the spare bedroom, and have started to look for a new home. I imagined a house and saw nearly it for rent today. Now it's time to step into the alternative reality.

I'm not playing my cards very well, it seems real that we will have a battle for the children, i don't know how far he will go.

Do I dont I do I dont I. What about the boys?? The merrygoround in the head.

You know what?

I don't know. BUT I do know that I really am aware and grateful to every poster here. I have followed your links and read your thoughts carefully and have tried to imagine the people you are that brought you here. One day I want to be on your side of the line.

Times up dp back xx

thinking of you

I just wanted to add my story as it is about the kids really.

I left my abusive exH and felt fantastic. I could come out of that alternative existance you create in your head and live it! I was really happy, there were some issues over child care and we shared the dc's fifty fifty.

EXCEPT.. I hadn't left him at all, I moved over the road to a house we bought that was for sale at the time, my dc's spent every weekend there, and now 2 out of 3 weekends there. I am effectively still with him but with a road inbetween us.

I really struggle to make any decisions and I know the childcare is wrong but don't know how to change. My 13yr old DD hates going over there and my DS comes over moaning about how controlling he is.

Move on 6 months, my eldest DD is in a unit with very serious anorexia. She is refusing to see her Dad and they know everything as I told them last Wednesday. It took me this long to realise I haven't got away at all and my DD to very nearly kill herself for me to take it seriously that I need to get properly away. I still, having 'told on him' last week feel so guilty towards him, I've let him down and embarrassed him even though my dd is so seriously ill.

He had a meeting with them yesterday, without her as she doesn't want to see him and he wept.. The nurse told me it was positive he wept.... he has wept many times in the past and nothing has changed.

I feel I have come so far but nowhere near far enough and my dd is forcing me. Poor poor kid..

Anyway, sorry for the highjack, I just wanted to say that the DC's need to get away, properly away so that they can laugh and play in the garden. I have made such a hash of it, you are doing your DC's a favour by giving them the freedom to enjoy life as well.

Don't spend time wondering if he is abusive or just horrible. I STILL wonder that all last week as I visit my DD who looks like a shadow.

Not sure about my message, other than follow your instincts because they will be right.