Hi everyone
This is my first posting on mumsnet, I just so need someone to talk to and some feedback. My DH and I have been through so much in the last few months.
I have two daughters from a previous relationship, and back in Sept my eldest confessed that her father and his partner had been running an internet business with porno sites and video sales - all from the house where they live and my daughters had been visiting alternate weekends. We had to stop the visits, and only have meetings in restaurants with my DH to chaperone, but my ex applied to the court for more contact. As you could expect his statement was full of lies to try and paint me in a bad light.
My husband had been made redundant the same week we found all this out. We had grand plans to do up our house and use the redundancy money to start a new life with our own business. But the legal costs over these months ate all the money away and my DH is back at work now. (Thank goodness he was wanted!).
To discover that my daughter had known all this for two years before telling us was horrible. She did not want to cause trouble but she was only 11 when she found out. What a strain on her!
Neither daughters want to see their father any more, but we have been put through months of worry and expense, and have been interviewed by various officials as if we were on trial ourselves. The case is still progressing but looks well for us at this stage.
In January I broke my leg on the ice and could not walk for three months, and my poor daughters had so much to do to help me. My DH and I have a little boy of 2 and so there is a lot to do. My eldest daughter fell ill with physical symptoms the doctor diagnosed as stess in the end, and missed a lot of school. Then one day she had a big fight with her school friends and came home and swallowed the contents of the medicine cabinet. I spent three days in hospital with her, she is fully recovered but still depressed. I cannot persuade her to accept a course of therapy, although two psychotherapists have recommended it, but have told me that to force her would do more harm than good.
I sent my MIL an email a few weeks ago explaining what we were trying to contend with, and asking for some support. I did not receive a reply. When I saw her at last, she attacked me fiercly, saying that my email had been a load of s**t, that it was the most self-pitying drivel she had ever read, and that she did not understand what I wanted her to do.
I said, 'be like a mother, give advice, give support.' She told me that she is not my mother, and that at 42 I shouldn't need one. That I should shut up and get on with it, and grow up. She also accused my DH of being selfish and only caring about himself, which I could not believe. He is a wonderful son. He always phones her every week for a chat, pops in, treats her to meals out and lovely gifts on her birthday and other occasions, and sent her on a lovely holiday for her 60th birthday last year. I don't know another son who is so generous and caring. He is just as wonderful as a husband.
I did not mean to sound complaining to her, but I wanted to tell her my situation, in the hope that we could have conversations that are real and some kind of a mother/daughter relationship. My own mother was an alcoholic who died many years ago, and when I married my husband I was thrilled that now I might actually have a mother to share things with. I have tried really hard to build a good friendship with her, making a fuss of her on mother's day, cooking nice meals for her and my FIL, inviting them to join us on holidays and days out, but she has never really made any effort to talk to me in a way that reveals anything about her inner self.
I feel that she is so stoical that she cannot bear it if I am my usual open self, to her it seems self-centred. But as she spoke to me it was as if the floodgates opened and a stream of pure venom came out of her mouth. It hurt so much to find out that she felt that way. She was totally dismissive of us and our problems, as if she did not care a jot what we were going through. She implied that it was our fault that my daughter had taken the overdose.
She has never been like this with us before although there have been many times where I have felt unfriendly vibes. My husband is stunned, he doesn't even want to try talking to her. I'm afraid that there is something behind her behaviour that is hurting her so badly that she couldn't control her normally impeccable temper.
I don't know what, if anything, to do or say or think. I am worried for her and for my husband. I am also feeling bereft of the mother I hoped for, as if two mothers have now rejected me. I so needed a mother just now.
I am sorry to be so long and boring.