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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Girlfriend of a single Dad

33 replies

pringlecupcake · 28/06/2010 21:41

Hi I am girlfriend of a single Dad, still to meet his children. I was really scared first as I have never ever wanted kids but from how he talks about them he is converting me as he has such love for them when he speaks. They are girl 8, and two boys 12 and 14, I have only really had contact with little ones before so its still a bit daunting.

However they know nothing about me, I have said hello on the phone but they do not know who I am, neither does his ex who was their Mum for a long time before they split, she is not their natural Mum they split up before and then she died, so the kids have had quite a traumatic early life.

I dont know if I want to marry him or move in with him as I dont know the whole of him yet and the only way I can do this is to know his family. I personally think I should meet his ex first and get her approval as she is still very close to the kids.

This however has him in complete pieces he blames himself for their traumas before and does not want to upset them and neither do I. I also do not want to cause him stress, he has enough to do being a single dad and looking after 3 lovely kids and working and helping out the rest of his family.

What should I do, I do think it will make it easier for him if everyone knows who I am, I can then get to know him properly for me, but I really really dont want to upset anyone further. I know kids are always number one but I just want to be able to help him and I cant do that if I am a mystery.

How did all you single Dads who have full responsibilty for your kids introduce your new girlfriends into their lives, and that of your ex partners.

Help me cos I really love him

OP posts:

MollieO · 28/06/2010 21:46

How long have you been together?

stumpyfred · 28/06/2010 21:48

Not long since about May, but been friends abut 3 months before that.

stumpyfred · 28/06/2010 21:52

Sorry I changed my user name just to be confusing, I only just joined, sorry again

ninah · 28/06/2010 21:53

May? it's what now, June
get to know him a little more first

ginnny · 28/06/2010 21:55

I think its a bit too soon to be thinking about meeting them yet, and definitely too soon to be talking marriage and moving in.
Why not just take it slowly and meet them when he (and their Mum) feels they are ready. They have been through a lot and it must be very hard for them.
How long has he been split from their Mum?

stumpyfred · 28/06/2010 21:57

Its hard though I live and work up London and he lives by the coast and travels about. I have offered to take days off and spend them with him, but that can only be during school hours.

He was coming to see me as he works up here sometimes, but that meant he was home later in evening and arranging childcare and kids fretting why he was late.

This is why I need them to know who I am so I can get to know him, then I can pop in at weekends, and they wont panic if he is late as he can say he was visiting me.

Wish he lived close by so much easier but neither of us can move

stumpyfred · 28/06/2010 22:02

Not sure I am the worlds worst person with dates, think he split from his gf who they see as their mum just over a year ago and their mum died about 6 years ago.

They still see his ex gf alot, and rom what he says the kids want him to get back with her but he doesnt. I have said when they meet maybe he shouldnt be there too all the time as it gives the kids the wrong impression and false hope.

I know if it was my mum and dad that split I would always want them back together unless it was cos one of them was abusive to the other

DinahRod · 28/06/2010 22:09

Whoa, slow down. Give it a lot more time, the relationship is in it's infancy. A protective parent would want to know the relationship is going somewhere before potentially rocking the boat with their children, especially those who have gone through rough times.

stumpyfred · 28/06/2010 22:17

I only wanted fun and was straight up and told him that from the start, but then we actually really did like each other which we was not expecting at all.

He really is in pieces at the moment as he is so stressed with other stuff in his life both family and work, but the only way I can help him is being their for him and helping him sort his life out. This is so hard tho as I have to be invisable.

I really dont think he is scared I will hurt his kids as his other gf didnt when they split so he does trust us girls. Its him he doesnt trust he thinks they will think he is abandoning them I think. I have no intention of that truely

choccyp1g · 28/06/2010 22:19

Sorry to be negative, but are you sure he has actually split up with his partner? It all seems to be moving very fast.

MollieO · 28/06/2010 22:22

Very short time imo. I wouldn't introduce a partner to my dc until I was pretty certain that the relationship had the potential to go the distance. Not sure you can make that sort of decision in such a short time frame tbh.

DinahRod · 28/06/2010 22:26

It's all very full-on, very quickly "I want to be there for him.." etc.

S l o w d o w n, otherwise it'll go tits up.

stumpyfred · 28/06/2010 22:29

Yes he has defo split up with her, they are still friends tho, I am best mates with my ex too so understand that.

Be so much easier if he was with her as I would not worry so much about him coping on his own, he takes on soooo much and I have seen him crumbling in front of my eyes.

He has tablets to stop him feeling down, but stopped taking them cos I made him so happy he thought he could do without them. He didnt tell me he done this and I told him off as you only do this with your doctors help, and he took them again.

He ran out of the tablets on Thursday, and has been a complete mess since then, he got new ones today and I have told him everything will look better when they settle back into his system but he dont believe me

I looked up on the web and a side effect of skipping means you go super down, but he is just dwelling on being a bad dad due to rows with his eldest

He is very hard on his eldest, he himself went to a boarding private school through his teens so does not seem to have a realistic view on what teenage havoc is Ok and what isnt. His eldest is super, yes he messes up sometimes but that is part of growing up, long as he learns from this and knows what is right and wrong he is doing really well

stumpyfred · 28/06/2010 22:32

He has been there for me before when I have had trauma and I think I should repay the favour.

I dont wanna move in with him, but I do want to be able to give him a hug and reassure him when he is upset as I do for all my friends

BEAUTlFUL · 28/06/2010 22:33

It's up to your ex when he introduces you to his kids. Let him make that decision. Relax! He'll do things when they're supposed to be done. Stop trying to "fix" him.

HoopsAndBaby · 28/06/2010 22:39

When I got together with my DP, I didn't meet his children for 6 months because we wanted to make sure we were right together before involving the kids.

After what they have been through I defo think you should hold your horses and get to know each other first

stumpyfred · 28/06/2010 22:41

I know, I have bad habit of fixing. But he helped me and he dont seem to have anyone else to help him and is falling

EleanorHandbasket · 28/06/2010 22:42

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EleanorHandbasket · 28/06/2010 22:44

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HerBeatitude · 28/06/2010 22:44

Are you sure you want this relationship? It sounds like an awful lot of trouble for a young woman.

I'm a bit disturbed that all the kids regard his ex as their mother tbh. If the older one is 14 and 12 and their mother died 6 years ago, they would have been 8 and 6 - old enough to have bonded with and had a proper relationship with their mum, it sounds as though she has been airbrushed out of the picture (understandable as grief makes people want to move on) but that's not an emotionally healthy situation for children who have lost their mother.

TBH it sounds to me like you are entering into a bit of an emotional car-crash. Is it really worth it? Why do you feel the need to help this man so much? Gratitude for him helping you out during a trauma, isn't a good enough reason to have such a high maintenance relationship IMO.

stumpyfred · 28/06/2010 22:44

I know I worry tooo much, if I leave him a few days he should be more balanced out again, but scared for him and his kids going through this at the mo.

He dont like asking for help as he has had so much help in the past, I tell him his friends dont mind but then he just feels that he is a bad Dad cos he cant control everything himself

EleanorHandbasket · 28/06/2010 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HerBeatitude · 28/06/2010 22:48

stumpyfred why are you bothering?

You don't need to get involved in this.

I think you need to find out why you feel the need to rescue hopeless cases and then get rid of that need.

Otherwise you'll spend the best years of your life with a man/ men who take take take from you and can give you nothing in return.

Fruitysunshine · 28/06/2010 22:51

I do read a bit of "rescuing" in your posts. This man has obviously recently left a relationship and even if she is not their biological mother the children view her as their mum.

As such you need to give him, her and their children time to adjust to this new situation. If he is on medication it does not sound like he is coping very well at the moment and the added stress of a new relationship will not help.

If it were me I would be keeping things on a lightly dating scenario for a few months, see how he pans out with carving out his new life with the children and then consider taking your relationship to the next level, if you are still seeing each other.

You can't make things better for him, he has to do that himself. Only then will you know that you have a whole person in your life and not somebody who constantly needs rescuing. That just spells disaster.

Sorry to be such a downer, but getting involved with step families is such a minefield that both people really need to be 100% strong in their own right before creating a new family.

stumpyfred · 28/06/2010 22:57

Dont worry he rescued me first, and has never asked for me to help him I want to cos thats what you do when you care for someone.

I am 37 and have been out with guys with no kids, no trauma, no odd pasts. He is first guy I have seen with kids and they put me off more than his wifes death and him leaving his ex.

kids put me off mainly as I am terrified of them but I was scared of babies and got over that, they are just a smaller version of me so nothing to be scared of really.

Again I dont want to move in with him, or be a brand new family, I just want to be able to pop round and hug him when he needs a friend. But if a random woman turned up on your doorstep would your kids let her in?

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