how can i get my libido back?

[julie123z]

i have had a baby nearly 9 months ago and before that i had a very high sex drive, along with my DD who also does, we argue none stop about sex now and its killing our relationship.
i am just either too tired or i honestly just cant be bothered! i try to give him sex maybe 2, 3 times a week (most times half hearted on my part) but its not enough for him, he wants it like 3 times a night!
i just dont know what i can do anymore i feel bad for him, but when he shows me any attention day or night, its always to do with sex, he cant just come and hug me he comes over and grabs my boobs or my bum, and the first thing he does in the morning is start groping me down there! i hate it, i pushed him off this morning and he called me frigid, and the other night he said to me its the worst sex life hes had! i was in tears, he said he didnt mean to hurt me saying that but it was the truth, he basically compared me to other relationships hes had.. he hasnt had any children with anyone else!! i cant help how i feel, i just want to make him happy, but its never enough, i love him dearly and hes an incredible father and does so much for us both, but the sex thing is driving us apart! will i ever get back to the way i was x

With regard to sex with your husband, no. Simple and brutal I know but if your husband continues to treat you the way he is then you will associate sex with him as an unpleasant experience. No wonder you can't be bothered when there is no romance or foreplay involved.

You say you are tired all the time so a few questions. Does husband help out with the housework?
Are you still breastfeeding?
Is the baby settled at night, colicky, teething?
Are you working?

I would suggest sexual counselling for you both. Sometimes women do get a dip in libido after a baby and they inwardly mourn for the young sexual person they once were. It's hard work incubating a baby for nine months, going through the hard slog of labour and then putting the hard effort of looking after a new life, which is very traumatic and life changing - remember the first time you took the child out?

All the best to you. You will get your mojo back but your partner does need to understand the vast changes that have taken place and behave accordingly. It's up to him and you both to put the effort in for romance and sex. You could both try text sex.

he does his bit but its mainly me that takes care of the hosehold. i dont breastfeed but she is teething and i do work 30 hours a week aswell, i had a section with my baby and found it hard to get back to normal, i still have pain in my tummy.
we dont have much foreplay, when hes practically begging me i just sort of pull him on top of me and pretend to enjoy it! i cant wait till its over so i can get a good sleep!
if i dont have sex with him he wakes me up groping me wanting it, and then if i dont he wont talk to me in the morning or says mean things to me.
i have thought about counselling, where would i see about that? doctors?
i suppose i do associate sex with him as unpleasent now because its just another one of my chores before the end of the day, before i can put my head down, get a few hours sleep before DD wakes up with her teeth! but even when she was sleepin through brilliantly i still couldnt be bothered. i only really want it when DD is staying over at my mums or im drunk!
its going to be the end of us i know it and thats the last thing i want.
he says he understand and he cant help he has a high sex drive, but most of the time hes just mean!
we have tryed sex text but i get bored with it or DD takes me away from that, then he gets annoyed when i dont have time to text back.
its honestly that i just cant be bothered!
even when ive had a easy day and a good sleep, its still the last thing on my mind
i feel smouthered by him, and theres no excitment for me.

He's being very selfish and only thiking about himself. He should be aware that you've only had a baby 9 months ago and that you're still not feeling yourself yet (no pun intended!).

I think you both need to get back to basics and focus on the romance. Newborns are hard work and it's no surprising you're knackered and feel like sex is a chore. Your phrase "I try to give him sex 2/3 times a week" didn't sit well when I read it. It shouldn't be about you giving him or him giving you sex; it's a partnership and you should both be having sex with each other.

I also think you should see a sex counsellor or even join a tantric sex class to learn about each others bodies again and connect on a mind level rather than him just groping you for a quickie!

To be honest I think most couples have less sex after their children are born, especially in the early months and years. Combination of reduced libido and tiredness/other priorities. 2-3 times a week is actually doing pretty well with a 9 month old.

You will probably regain some of your old libido as your DD gets older and you get less knackered, but 3 times a night is probably not going to happen for a long time.

It sounds like your DH doesn't really understand this and didn't expect it. He needs to realise that this is totally and completely normal. To be frank, he just needs to deal with it for a while and be patient and affectionate (which he is NOT doing at the moment). Taking on some of the housework so you're less knackered would also help.

i know, me saying giving him it is the truth because i could happily go without, to be honest i only do it to keep him quiet nad to stop him going elsewhere! which is a fear, although i know he would never betray me like that, he is very caring and loving, its just the sex! i suppose its not his fault he has a high drive, it must be frustrating for him aswell, he always says im not the same anymore bla bla, ive had a baby!!! also after her i went on the depo jag which didnt agree with me, i came off that which mucked up all my cycle, then i went on the pill, so ive injected with hormones left right and center! im all over the place.
i hate him sometimes for how he makes me feel, but i love him also and dont want to loose him over this.
i think he was expecting me to get back to normal after the first 6 weeks, but its just got worse, i also havtn had an orgasm with him i 9 months! he dosnt know that though....

Julie - you're working 30 hrs a week and have a small baby - it's no wonder you're not interested.
I would make an appointment at the doc's (preferably female) and firstly tell her about your tummy pain. I wouldn't have thoguht the section scar would be hurting now (mine took ages to heal but not 9 months) so she can have a feel of your tummy and check it's okay. Pain in the abdomnen certainly won't help much when it comes to sex.

Then ask her about referring you to a sex counsellor (you could go alone if your partner's not up for it) and get some expert advice.

I'd book a meal out or go to the cinema. You need to remember why you fell in love and make your dh realise that although he has a very high libido, he can't just grab you whenever he feels like it.

I didn't have sex for 9 months (after dd1) by the way and it was a mixture of breastfeeding, having PND and just being shattered. It's very normal.

i went to docs about my tummy, everything seems normal its just a bit sore when having sex, she said will just be the scar tissue still healing, its not unbearable pain just uncomfortable in certain positions! we have tryed the date thing but by time we got home and i had had a few too many i just fell asleep lol

it's not surprising you haven't had an orgasm in that time - surely you'd need to be actually wanting sex really????

just go for a walk after tea with your dd in the pram. Is he getting exercise too? He sounds all pent up with frustration and him getting more exercise might help. You need to spend time together but doing nothing to do with sex - a walk in the woods, taking dd swimming at the weekend etc. Being together in non sexual places, will make him realise why he loves you and you can get close again without having to actually have sex yet.

Would it help if you agreed a certain level of sex in advance? So that he doesn't feel that he should/can grope you constantly, and you feel that you're compromising a bit@

I know it sounds artificial, but if you agree that, say, on Friday nights you'll have sex, and again on Tuesdays. In between, you can cuddle and be affectionate with each other but it is NOT going to lead to sex.

This may sound very 50s, but a lot of your problems seem to be around him forever hassling you and you either reluctantly "giving in", or saying no.

You can't carry on like this, if you're starting to hate him & afraid he'll go off with someone else. He needs to appreciate that things change when you have a baby. He can sort himself out the other 5 days a week imo.

i dont want sex at the best of times i really dont, but i also want to keep my partner happy. i just want to want it again, it just reduces me to tears even talking about it now, i dont wanna loose my partner and i dont want him to feel unloved like he says he feels, even though i tell him everyday

Er, is it only me who thinks this behaviour is abusive?
Two or three times a week is loads of sex IMO - it's not bus fault he has a 'high sex drive' but it's not yours either - and it's partly his behaviour that's crushing yours by the sound of it.
He can sort himself out if he's desperate; and you shouldn't be getting verbal abuse for turning him down.

He's telling you he feels unloved just to have sex!

Tell him to 'take care of his own needs' for a while (if you see what I mean) and yes, like mumble said, tell him which nights are on and which are a no.......as long as you want some nights on!

I honestly think the counsellor route is the best way to go because it's not just about him, it's you too. You feeling guilty and that you have to give him sex even though you don't want to etc.

we try to spend time together, but at weekends i work, so its hard. maybe give the scheduling ago! altho he says he likes to be spontaneous! i.e 24 fuckin 7!!
its got so bad somtimes when i say no he goes into the toilet and locks the door, and tell me hes away to do it himself! makes me feel sick,
one time he came home for lunch and wanted a oral! he dropped his trousers whilst i was changing the sheets and tidying the bedroom, in the little half hour i had whilst she was having a nap, i told him to piss off i wasnt going to give him oral when i was up to my eyes in it,
he called me ridiculous and went away in the bathroom, did it himself then just left without a goodbye. ive never felt so disprespected in my life

It does sound like emotional abuse to me too.
You shouldn't go on like this or you'll end up hating him full stop and not only in the bedroom.

I think he's got a problem and from the way you say he talks to you, I'm not entirely sure he wasn't kind of like this before you had the baby??
Any man who talks to a woman like that, isn't giving her respect. He's not treating you as an equal and he sooooo should be.

he never did any of this before the baby, he just thinks ive gone off him which isnt true.
hes just text me to say he feels loved when we have sex, and that its his way of showing each other that we love each other!?
i show him in other ways i take care of him and our DD i do everything i can for both of them! i leave little love notes about the place for him to find, i tell him i love him everyday. i cuddle him loads i dont know what else to do

He's treating you like an object and showing no respect whatsoever for your feelings. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him. This is not your fault - you're shattered, you're hormonal, you've had huge life-changes and rather than supporting you he's just heaping one more burden on you.

I don't have any great advice as to how you can get him to see that what he's doing is having the opposite effect to the one he wants - although I suspect he doesn't actually care how he's making you feel. But you should never ever feel pressurised into having sex - stick to your guns. If he takes himself off into the loo to sort himself out - so what?

You could point out to him that while having sex makes him feel loved, being made to feel obliged to have sex when you're knackered is making you feel unloved. Ask him what he thinks the solution is. Unless he's a complete idiot, he must know that sex is not the only way to demonstrate love.

uggghhh, I am not surprised you are not in the mood. His behaviour would piss anyone off. And what a load of bollox too about not 'feeling loved'.
Do you feel loved or just harrassed?
There isn't anything you can do because he enjoys this otherwise he wouldn't do it.
At the moment he's behaving like a pig and blaming you.

great idea hassled.

It's good then Julie that he wasn't like it before. I'm thinking then it could be that he's jealous (perhaps subcontiously) of dd 'taking you away from him' so to speak. perhaps he feels that by making you have sex when HE wants, it's him still being in control.

You're doing all the right things by the little notes/cuddles etc so he just needs to see what he's doing isn't right or what you want.

And even if you hadn't had a baby, the chances are that sex would gradually have become a bit less frequent.

I think 2/3 times a week would be normal in these circs, but 3 times a NIGHT????

I doubt many married couples, no matter how happily married, would be shagging 3 times a night and that he needs a reality check.

I'm lucky if it's twice a month and my last dc was born 5 years ago!!!

Luciemule, that's fine if both of you are happy with very infrequent sex.

It's where one is panting for it the whole time and the other couldn't care less if they never had sex again that the problems arise.