how can i get my libido back?

[julie123z]

i have had a baby nearly 9 months ago and before that i had a very high sex drive, along with my DD who also does, we argue none stop about sex now and its killing our relationship.
i am just either too tired or i honestly just cant be bothered! i try to give him sex maybe 2, 3 times a week (most times half hearted on my part) but its not enough for him, he wants it like 3 times a night!
i just dont know what i can do anymore i feel bad for him, but when he shows me any attention day or night, its always to do with sex, he cant just come and hug me he comes over and grabs my boobs or my bum, and the first thing he does in the morning is start groping me down there! i hate it, i pushed him off this morning and he called me frigid, and the other night he said to me its the worst sex life hes had! i was in tears, he said he didnt mean to hurt me saying that but it was the truth, he basically compared me to other relationships hes had.. he hasnt had any children with anyone else!! i cant help how i feel, i just want to make him happy, but its never enough, i love him dearly and hes an incredible father and does so much for us both, but the sex thing is driving us apart! will i ever get back to the way i was x

I'm not happy with it but DH is stressed at work and I'm quite shattered most of the time from the tqo arguing children! Anyway - don't want to hijack thread with my own sex life (or lack of it) Just wanted to illustrate that not everyone has a lot of sex and nowhere near the amount that OP's dh wants it!!!

He's very lucky you're up for it three times a week, with all you're doing. I don't think this really counts as a clinically low libido. More like being too shattered for any more.

He needs to thank his lucky stars, and stop treating you as his wank toy. Pulling you about, grabbing at your crotch. Whatever next. Explain to him about romance.

And if he wants any more, he can a) do more stuff around the place,and b)show you love and affection without trying to get sex and c) if a) and b) don't work he can see to himself.

Life is about more than how many times a day you get it on.

thanks all for your thoughts and advice, im glad to to hear that what IM going through is completely normal.
we've had endless amounts of arguments about it, one this afternoon and i used a few points that yous have said and he's told me he wont mention it anymore he just dosnt understand why i wouldnt want to have sex with the man i love.. its not about not wanting to, its just im too exhausted mentally more than physically.
hes got such a high sex drive its ridiculous, he would happily go 5 or more times a night, theres no satisfying him actually.
i dont feel loved either i feel like his toy, not the shattered mother of his child.
all's i want is a little affection and for him to show me he loves me in other ways, i thik i have gone off sex aswell due to him constantly begging for it. its lost the excitment, passion, thrill of the chase for me and i know if i wanted it i could have whenever i wanted, i really need that . "want what you cant have" kinda feeling, does that make sense?? like i think if i had to hassle him for it one night or if he said no, i would wanna do it, sounds weird i know, but thats never going to work, when hes following me about like a drooly puppy dog

so do you think you will book an app with a counsellor to try to work things through?

i suggested that to him, and he said he dsont think he needs a shrink just because he enjoys sex

No, but he might need it because he is pissing you off.

exactly, wel i said WE need it not jus him, somthing to help get our romance back perhaps.
he then said well.. "did you think you needed a shrink when you enjoyed sex before the baby??" hes clearly not getting the point

Exactly - so he needs to understand that a counsellor could help you both reach a happy medium (and hopefully make him realise how unreasonable he's being, but no need to tell him that now!)
The point being that you were both highly-sexed pre-birth, but now things have changed and part of being a grown up in a grown up relationship is that you adjust to circumstances.
What if you had an accident and were incapable of sex? Would he leave you?

i have asked him that loads of times what if somthing happened to me that i was unable to have sex, he just says he wouldnt leave me, he loves me and only me, i know ive slatted him a bit here, he is an incredible father and we have a good laugh together and hes such a caring person really, this is just his worse side i suppose,
ill try talk him into talking to a proffessional tonight and see if i can make him understand why

julie,

i can totally sympathise with you, i have a dd 7yrs and a ds 1yr and i have been like this since dd was born all those yrs ago!! my df is just like yours every move he makes towards me is sexual, i cant walk past him without him groping me, it drives me bonkers! i have spend years wondering what to do about it, hoping it would conme back but it hasnt! he is however never mean to me if i refuse, but he will go on and on and on untill i give in, i am never ever in the mood infact it feels wrong when i do it, almost like he is my brother or something? i love him and i find him attractive but just never feel like sex with him!!?

twillight so sorry you have been feeling that way for years, im pretty sure im headin that way aswell, i know what you mean about feeling wrong,
sometimes when hes groping me lying in bed i feel almost sick sometimes, like i cant bear him touching me! but im still attracted to him and love him dearly.
i dont know if its that hes nasty to me (well theres times i would say he is) but i dont know if thats just down to him feeling rejected and frustrated?

Julie - did you have a traumatic birth by any chance? I know you said you had a section but I was wondering whether you went through a long/worrying labour before an emergency section perhaps?

This thread made me feel sad and angry for you. I think if you don't want sex at all then he should appreciate the fact that you're having it 2-3 times a week for his sake. Constantly groping you and verbally abusing you for not wanting more sex is horrible behaviour. It is absolutely normal for women to go off sex to a greater or lesser extent after having a baby (though can be upsetting to both partners) - any baby book will tell you. You could look up some information online about relationships and having a baby and show him - that might help him see that his expectation that you combine baby care with being constantly available for sex is completely unrealistic.

lucie i dont think it was traumatic, i was so hoping for a natural birth but unfortunatley she was breech and too small to turn so i got booked in for a section and had 2 days to let it sink in, it wasnt what i expected and i did take a while to bond with DD i think because i was completely out of it on morphine i dont really remember everything that happened, the baby was passed straight to him as i was all over the place, i found it hard to except she was mine, sounds silly i know but i didnt feel like i gave birth to a baby ??
chocloate thanks i actually will look that up and it does say stuff like that in my book so maybe would be good to let him read it and realise it is normal, had a bit of a bad night last night, i basically threatened to end the relationship becuse of how he was making me feel.
he started on the water works and promised to sart making a change, but we will see...

Hi Julie - well, it does sound as though you need to chat through the labour and birth history with someone. When unexpected events happen before or during birth, it can have a vivid effect on many things afterwards, including your sex life. I know the main problem is your dh and his 'needs' but I think you may feel happier in yourself (not just about sex but with a boost of self esteem)if you spoke to either a midwife, counsellor who deals with birth trauma or a good doula. Just chatting through how it feels to feel like you didn't give birth,not bonding straight away, baby being given to dh etc, may have an effect on how you feel now (even though you might not think it now.)

I think it would give you a bit of confidence in your own self too.

i will lucie thankyou, im due to see my midwife next week so i will bring it up, i suppose when things happen and you dont think or have time to realise that it might be affecting you in some way.
i will do what i can to save our relationship,

Also, another idea if you can get time off work at all, is to let your DH look after your DD on his own whilst you get a break for a few days. He'll realise how hard it is for you and perhaps realise why you're understandably tired a lot.
Also, it will give you time to concentrate on you; time to think and relax.

yes well i actually just started back at work and i work saturdays aswell, so last saturday he had her all day and he was asleep by 8pm! he was shattered so he did appreciate that it wasnt easy, but that was just one day ill see how he does this week.
im enjoying being back at work, socialise again, having a break from home really! think thats gunna help me quite a bit

I think men don't really understand how truly exhausting working and mothering is. Pregnancy followed by labour followed by the hell joyful changes a new baby brings really take it out of you don't they.
Tiredness is utterly utterly normal, but tiredness doesn't really do it justice does it? Absolute ground down, knackered-ness, desperation for anything to give you a break ... we've all been there and you are right, sex is the last priority on the list.

I tried explaining this to my H and I have to say he didn't really understnad however I wonder if it's worth a try. You will, eventually get things back together again but you have a very young baby. You are doing great; - give yourself a break and try and get him to see that you are doing your best?

Sorry if that's not very helpful, but I can really see you're doing a great job of holding it all together. Hang in there, honestly it does improve after about the first year.