P cheating, please could somebody help, I don't know what to do (long, sorry!)

[dismantlethesun]

Argh

Background- I was OW briefly. DP told me he and wifey had been separated for 7 years, they had not

We moved in together after 6 months, it became a fiery relationship because he hacked into my emails and read that I had said he was controlling

He banned all friends. He banned relatives. He banned staying 5 mins late at work. Banned certain clothes and shoes. Stopped me progressing in my career.

Began to falsely accuse me of things. Always false. Began to be very violent.

Reverted to old drinking habits. Drinks A LOT.

I got pregnant (one year in) and he got even more violent.

I suspected him of an affair because I found a message on his phone but he denied it then beat me up badly.

I really loved him. He was so good at controlling me, being ver 30 years my senior.

Had DD, he was awful. I told him I was leaving and he said if I left he would lie to social services and say I was a bad mother. I said, but I'm not I'm a great mother, he said 'I have police connections/etc etc they won't believe you'

So I stayed. During that year he nearly killed me with a wine bottle and with other acts of violence. He grabbed DD once when she was crying but I jumped in and fought him off her. He punched me hard in the head and strangled me while I was holding her. When DD was almost 1 she became acutely unwell and was admitted to hospital. She was there for 3 months and then she died.

He was never in the hospital, he was in the pub on his laptop, or somewhere else. He would tell me he was fcking a barmaid, then say he only said it to wind me up, he told me he was fcking a colleague, then said he only said it to wind me up. He would not let me stay in the hospital with DD overnight, because he said if I did he would leave and not pay rent so I'd be homeless (I was on extended maternity leave) and I got scared and thought DD wouldn't be able to be discharged if he did that as we'd have no home to go to. So I stayed.

She died, he turned up briefly to shed a false tear. I got pregnant immediately- I reget this now, but it was a one-off and I was extremely upset.

I went back to work, he became violent again, kicking me in the stomach hard. I bit him (one time) in self defence to get his arms off me as he was holding me down to kick me. The police were called and they let him go because he has 'connections' and he reported my act of defence. The only time I've ever fought back.

Baby was born. Blabla. He's now been made redundant. WE have no s*x life at all because he is so much older and is diabetic so it's pretty useless. But he has always said 'it works fine when I want it to' My grandma died, my best friend died the other week, and DP has destroyed all my other friendships except for a few in Canada.

I have just found a memory stick with his emails on it from work. I looked at it because he indicated he was emailing his wifelet (he wasn't) and he had hidden the stick. I read lots of it, including his sent emails which mentioned a new secret account. I logged in (same password for everything) and he has been having an affair since before DD was born.

WHat do I do?? I am scared. I am in rented accomodation that is more than my full time salary. DC2 is 5mths old. I have no income other than statutory maternity pay. I have no family now really and all my friends gave up 4 years ago. I am 24. I have ruined my career by having babies and being so unprofessional. Hell, I don't even know if I want to be in my career. I want to go back to uni. Or leave the country. Or right now I jjust want to curl up and die, quite frankly.

I honestly do not know how to handle this- he is still married to the ex as well, so I'm not entitled to anything if we split. I have a low income even when working full time. No childcare.

Thanks anyone, he's going to wake up in a minute and I'm going to have to pretend I don't know I really believed him when he said I was his soul mate etc. He said he loved me. I hoped he would change. I am mortified that I have been so stupid and didn't leave when DD was small.

Dis - hope you are ok. None of your posts are rants. Keep venting on this forum, because you need to start working this out in your head. You have gotten some very good advice here.

What I will say to you - under no circumstances go back to the flat alone or talk to him right now. After this long, he knows how to press every single button in you and get you to react. Don't let him. This is the first step to taking back some control. I know he is in your head and I also know that despite all his actions he is also in your heart. Harden yourself against him. Stay strong. He will try and throw everything he has at you, because his worst nightmare is coming true. You are slipping away from his control. And I am sorry to say, but that is what this is about. It is killing him that you are not there to be his verbal/ emotional and physical punchbag.

Please also call womans aid asap. The hotel is not safe and I am worried that you are still very close to him.

Make a list of everything vile he has done to you and any time you feel yourself weakening, read it. It is what I had to do when I left an XP; he threw everything he had at me trying to get me back.

Before I met DH, I had a partner who was emotionally very abusive. I only stayed with him a year, but leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done. Despite his vile behaviour, I really loved him and walking away from someone you love destroys a part of you (or so you think at the time). In hindsight, I realise that I was also in a way addicted to the very extreme highs and lows of the relationship. I thought, he must be the man for me, there are times he makes me laugh like no one else and makes me feel like no one else. Well of course those times were there; because they were a welcome relief to the majority of the time when he was being an absolute shit.

I say the following with a caveat as you havent actually said this anywhere, but I think you may well be feeling it. And excuse me if I am wrong in my assumptions. This morning you are thinking that you still love him. It is probably very hard to see us all on here throwing abuse at the man who is the father to 2 of your wonderful children. You may feel a huge relief at being away from him but also be missing him. You are suddenly free, but the freedom is so unbelievably daunting after being controlled for so long. These emotions are perfectly valid and it must be so confusing for you right now. But stay with on this path. Dont let him reel you in.

Let us know how you get on today.

UnlikelyAmazon what a kind person you are, I do hope you take this offer up sometime soon Dismantle. You need to be surrounded by kind people right now.

I know it's hard to accept help, but the people giving the help get something out of it too. I had friends who were cross with me for NOT letting them.

Please stop talking/texting him though.

As soon as you stop responding you are no longer playing the game, he has nothing to go on to reel you back in.

He will most probably start to demand to see his son - be ready for the emotional blackmail. Don't give in.

Don't answer the phone or texts

Please let us know you have called WA

unlikely - what a fab offer. dis - please considre some of these offers for help. once we know you are in safe hands, you can turn your phone off and have someone else screen texts/ voicemails (plus keep any for evidence if appropriate)

Wow UA, how wonderful!

It's be as good a place to start as one could ever imagine! I do hope dismantle can take you up on that marvellous offer.

dismantle, I am so pleased that you are out of that flat, away from that man, please stay strong, get help from the authorities, they will all jump to help you, you will be safe, you will be happy, and you will be free.

UA what a simply amazing offer

Hi Dismantle, I hope you are ok.

I don't normally post, just lurk, but I unfortunately have also been in a very similar position to yourself.

I can pretty much match word for word your posts. The name calling, smashing my head into things, dragging me round the house, punches, telling me that if I went he would go to social services. Even down to the police connections, (his mother was a seargent (sp) and step father (at the time) was also a PC).

Our DC were mostly always in the house during these times too. How horrible it must have been for them.

He too had numerous affairs, and like you the last affair (and my mum dying of cancer) was what started the process of me managing to rid myself of the little prick. I too was devasted about his infidelities, and like you, didn't feel the abuse was all that bad really. I remember a few years after I was free from the knob jockey during a counselling session telling my counsellor everything in a very matter of fact way. She was in tears and I couldn't really see that it was THAT bad. We become so conditioned to the abuse it becomes normal.

Now onto the positive bits:

I got rid, got an injunction and finally saw him for what he was and still is. A narcissistic, insecure, worthless scumbag. The threats funnily enough, NEVER came true. I realised that people who threaten to do stuff, tend to NOT actually follow through with it. It's the ones who say nothing you need to worry about. His threats are desperate attempts to get you to conform.

It is difficult, but with little baby steps it can be done. I am now 9 years down the line, and just last month married my lovely DP, now DH. (So proud to say that!)

I also wanted to reiterate that SS will be more supportive to you outside the relationship than in it. They rightly have concerns for your DS safety inside the relationship, and would take action then as you would be seen to not have the best interests of your child by staying.

I hope that wasn't too harsh. I feel so sad that you are in such a similar position and will do whatever I can to help you get through this.

Dismantle, well done! Echoing others - let Women's Aid help you. I spent 3 weeks in a refuge after a much less abusive situation. As well as the physical safety, it was great to have staff there to talk me down when I thought I was making a mistake and should go home or meet my ex so he could see our baby (now there's disordered thinking).

Your ex is not the all-powerful person he makes himself out to be, but just in case, can you buy a cheap new phone and get rid of your old one? I'm just a bit anxious that there are ways to track someone's movements.

Why go back, when staying away means that the hardest part of your life is already behind you?

And UA's offer is wonderful. Why not allow someone the chance to good karma? Refusing to allow anyone to help can have an element of selfishness in it too....

Wishing you well, dismantled. From your posts, I really like the person you are.

UA i didn't know you were in Devon too. Dis, it's so peaceful here, it would be great if you could just come for a break. Me and dd would love to buy you an icecream!!!

Oh Dismantled you are doing amazingly. I don't think you'll believe just how strong and bright you sound, and just how desperate and pathetic P sounds to us.

He belittled you because he knew you were so much better than him, and he was desperate for you to brought down to his level. But you're stronger than that.

I did laugh at the idea of you being judged by people because a teacher (in a postion of authority) had a relationship with you! It doesn't make you a bad person, and given the level of care your mother gave you it's clear you were vulnerable and in great need of being needed. He took advantage. You did nothing wrong. He did. Just like P did when he abused his position as a lecturer.

He has you so twisted up inside that you think situations in which you were targeted by selfish, immoral people would be perceived by anyone as you being a horrible person. It DOES NOT REFLECT BADLY UPON YOU, YOU WERE A CHILD, YOU WERE VULNERABLE (sorry for shouting but I want you to hear it).

He is a twunt of the highest order and not worthy to lick your boots.

Please take UA up on her incredible offer. I want to! You can go for now (you've got sometime before you have to consider any other practicalities) and see it as a break to gather your thoughts.

Leave P to bounce of the walls, he will be swinging between lovely and vile for a while now before finally settling on vile (it may be months or years of swinging). If you do talk to him (and please try not to), it might be worth making a chart on a piece of paper with Nice and Nasty as headings. Write in each comment in the relevant box. Join up the ones that contradict each other (because they show the Nice one is a lie) and see how it looks. I'm guessing it'll look a bit like the ravings of a mad man. Which is exactly what it is.

Just keep going for now. Call WA. That's all you have to do at the moment. Once that is done you can move on to the next practical thing.

Just don't look back!

x

good morning Dis - just wanted to offer cyber support and to echo all the other in saying ring Women's Aid.

You have done such an amazing thing in making that first step - carry on along the path for you and your DS.

The other MNs have far more practical advice for you, but I bet I am not alone in finding this thread and in wishing you all the very best of luck.

Take very good care of yourself and your DS. The offer of a space and time for you both in Devon is wonderful - think about it.

Leo

I am moved to tears by the open hearted posts on here and the generosity and kindness shown by all.

Dis This is what the world is usually like and this is what you deserve. Most especially, this is the world that your DS deserves to grow up in.

I'm not in the UK but I too will help in any way I can.

Dismantle, I hope you can get some sleep today when your son naps. 5 months old - what a darling. He's so lucky to have such a wonderful, brave mother. You are amazing. Things have been shit and you need to get used to the idea that there is kindness out there and life can - will - be different from now on. You just need to turn your back on the crap and hold your hand out towards the help.

Your P - exP - is (putting it mildly) a bully. Bullies can't function if you ignore them. So don't give him the chance.

You're doing amazingly. Why don't you try giving yourself one or two goals for the day, such as:

1. Block P's number from phone.
2. Call WA.

That's it. And keep cuddling and enjoying your sweet boy.

I'm in Austria unfortunately - I wish I could come and get you. But I do have lots of good quality, good condition baby/toddler clothes, toys and books - and also some non-baby things for you if you need them?

And 3. (when you've finished talking to WA/police etc) - take your baby and get on a train to Devon and just enjoy someone's kindness, as well as peace and quiet and space to enjoy time with your son without fear.

Dis, please take up UA's kind offer. I'll pay for the train fare if you need it.

But first, please call WA and tell them everything, they are there to help you.

Are you ok? Are you still at the hotel? I'm still a bit worried but hopefully you're either having a lovely quiet time with your son or calling WA.

Oh, and IGNORE any communication from that monster. Do not answer him or text back please!

I'm going to have to swallow my pride and come back here because I owe Dismantle an apology.

Dismantle I CAN'T take back what I said yesterday- I DO think it is twisted for you to be concerned with this guy's adultery, I DO think you are being a bit cold and calculating about the money. BUT...

I CAN SEE WHY YOU'RE LIKE IT NOW and I don't blame you for it. I understand that just surviving has been hard work for you and who can blame you for thinking about things like cash and food and warmth?

I know there are lots of people here who are willing to help you out on a practical level and, obviously, THAT at the moment is most important thing,
but please consider this. Just have a little think about it : why is it that given all the other vile things that this piece of s**t has done to you is the adultery important?

Is it OK to be hit about and accept all the other vile things, as long as he says he loves you? (PLEASE, PLEASE, this is not a criticism or an attack)

UA, if a man could be stupid enough to leave someone as wonderful as you, then it's clear proof that no-one can "earn" love. You're just lovely.

Hope you're alright, dismantle. You're probably feeling overwhelmed about now. I too was wondering how you were paying for the hotel - and whether it's traceable?

In the space of a couple of days Dismantle you've done some amazing things. You've taken the bravest step you needed to take.

You've also made a network of girlfriends on here who are not just words on a screen, but have RL support to give you. You've not had this before and it's overwhelming.

BUT this is what RL is like, this is what people do for each other. Most people are kind.

You have a wonderful like ahead of you, just keep walking in the right direction.

I understand you need to make sense of the adultery, but you can deal with it later. Put it in a box for now. You have other stuff to do

please take up UA's offer - you need tog et right away so you can see...

ditto what was said above "He is, by turns cajoling you and turning on the 'charm' and then bullying you when he sees you aren't responding. He's trying the carrot and then using the stick. Don't let him confuse you. Whatever he says about the affair doesn't matter any more. He has beaten and strangled you and to be near him again would be extremely dangerous. My advice is not to reply to any of his texts. He will gradually get angrier and angrier and will text you more and more nasty threats which you will be able to use with regard to getting an injunction and in any custody disputes. Then, tomorrow, phone WA again and start your new life.

You DS will not be taken from you. This man is a bully and you need to get away from him."

Dismantle please turn your phone off or buy a new sim card so he cant contact you with his vileness

Contact the professionals (WA,SS, police) so they can begin to protect you and your ds, and take up UA's offer

You need not have anymore one to one contact with him ever again, you can do it all through the professionals, get rid of all means of him contacting you asap

UA - Can i come too?

Can't - I said up thread ive got mounds of stuff here, will email you too.

SAF - Can you fb that address for the shelter? Would like to send some stuff. Cheers

Marantha if the adultery has triggered her to leave then that can only be a good thing, let's not look for a better reason to get out, any of the things mentioned are good enough to leave for.