P cheating, please could somebody help, I don't know what to do (long, sorry!)

[dismantlethesun]

Argh

Background- I was OW briefly. DP told me he and wifey had been separated for 7 years, they had not

We moved in together after 6 months, it became a fiery relationship because he hacked into my emails and read that I had said he was controlling

He banned all friends. He banned relatives. He banned staying 5 mins late at work. Banned certain clothes and shoes. Stopped me progressing in my career.

Began to falsely accuse me of things. Always false. Began to be very violent.

Reverted to old drinking habits. Drinks A LOT.

I got pregnant (one year in) and he got even more violent.

I suspected him of an affair because I found a message on his phone but he denied it then beat me up badly.

I really loved him. He was so good at controlling me, being ver 30 years my senior.

Had DD, he was awful. I told him I was leaving and he said if I left he would lie to social services and say I was a bad mother. I said, but I'm not I'm a great mother, he said 'I have police connections/etc etc they won't believe you'

So I stayed. During that year he nearly killed me with a wine bottle and with other acts of violence. He grabbed DD once when she was crying but I jumped in and fought him off her. He punched me hard in the head and strangled me while I was holding her. When DD was almost 1 she became acutely unwell and was admitted to hospital. She was there for 3 months and then she died.

He was never in the hospital, he was in the pub on his laptop, or somewhere else. He would tell me he was fcking a barmaid, then say he only said it to wind me up, he told me he was fcking a colleague, then said he only said it to wind me up. He would not let me stay in the hospital with DD overnight, because he said if I did he would leave and not pay rent so I'd be homeless (I was on extended maternity leave) and I got scared and thought DD wouldn't be able to be discharged if he did that as we'd have no home to go to. So I stayed.

She died, he turned up briefly to shed a false tear. I got pregnant immediately- I reget this now, but it was a one-off and I was extremely upset.

I went back to work, he became violent again, kicking me in the stomach hard. I bit him (one time) in self defence to get his arms off me as he was holding me down to kick me. The police were called and they let him go because he has 'connections' and he reported my act of defence. The only time I've ever fought back.

Baby was born. Blabla. He's now been made redundant. WE have no s*x life at all because he is so much older and is diabetic so it's pretty useless. But he has always said 'it works fine when I want it to' My grandma died, my best friend died the other week, and DP has destroyed all my other friendships except for a few in Canada.

I have just found a memory stick with his emails on it from work. I looked at it because he indicated he was emailing his wifelet (he wasn't) and he had hidden the stick. I read lots of it, including his sent emails which mentioned a new secret account. I logged in (same password for everything) and he has been having an affair since before DD was born.

WHat do I do?? I am scared. I am in rented accomodation that is more than my full time salary. DC2 is 5mths old. I have no income other than statutory maternity pay. I have no family now really and all my friends gave up 4 years ago. I am 24. I have ruined my career by having babies and being so unprofessional. Hell, I don't even know if I want to be in my career. I want to go back to uni. Or leave the country. Or right now I jjust want to curl up and die, quite frankly.

I honestly do not know how to handle this- he is still married to the ex as well, so I'm not entitled to anything if we split. I have a low income even when working full time. No childcare.

Thanks anyone, he's going to wake up in a minute and I'm going to have to pretend I don't know I really believed him when he said I was his soul mate etc. He said he loved me. I hoped he would change. I am mortified that I have been so stupid and didn't leave when DD was small.

Dis, I am so glad to hear that you have left. I was checking most of yesterday to find out progress! What you have done is so strong and brave, you have to keep believing that. You will go on to have such a wonderful life with your ds. Please do contact WA they are such a great organisation and will be able to give you lots of support and advice. Also i would really like to help you anyway I could, I am in the north od Scotland so bit far for a meet up, but let me know if you need any baby things, clothes etc.

Take care and stay safe xx

Yes, please listen to Cant. And I think it would be a very, very good idea to block this guy's number. He's not going to leave you alone anytime soon.

Morning! Not posted on your thread before but have been reading - you're very strong and coping very well.

I really second the idea that you NEED to call WA and start the ball rolling though in order to prevent him from smearing you to SS and the police. If you get get into a refuge you will be safe and from a purely practical point of view you will be able to save the money you spend on a hotel for the future.

Good morning Dis. Dreamed about you last night, so you're in my thoughts even when I'm asleep! (it was a nice dream actually involving you coming to a family BBQ. Stupid brain!)

Anyway. Just get through today without going back to his prison, everytime you wobble just remember that he is a monster. He is you know? He is one of the worst I have ever read about here.

You have NOTHING to apologise to us for, nothing.

You're in my thoughts today Dis. You and your precious little boy.

Here and listening Dismantlethesun - please listen to others that you NEED to contact WA today and ACCEPT THE HELP THAT THEY OFFER! I know you don't want to be a burden or a bother, but you are not.

You are not safe in that hotel. You need to move on to the next stage and that involves ringing WA.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship before I met DH. Nothing as extreme as yours, but certainly enough to crush any ounce of 'me'. It took a long time to realise that I was worth more. When I met DH I remember being flabbergasted that he wanted to spend time with me and would do kind things. I kept looking over my shoulder and trying to work out who this was aimed at, before I realised it was me!

Ten years later I'm married to a wonderful man and I am happy. I was 24 when I met DH. You are 24 - your whole life is ahead of you.

On a practical level, I have about ten SIM cards from various companies (god knows why I keep being sent them, I must not have ticked a box somewhere!) I can send one to you, whichever network you are. That way he doesn't have your number and you can control how much access he has to you via the phone.

Dismantle, people want to help you.

Let them.

Dismantle, I know it's hard and alien to you to accept help, but everyone here has a big heart and wants to.
When you've never had anyone to turn to you get on with it, it's what you do i understand that. You think, right, I can do this, and it shows strength and self worth. Yet, your set of circumstances right now scream out for help, love kindness and hands to hold. People live intheri own bubbles, all trying to get on with thier own things, as you have done, but this is a time to accept help.

I can only imagine how much safer you would be if you called WA, and much more free. Imagine you are in a safe environment, where all the money things they are worrying you, are being sorted out!!!

You will have a focus, and you will be stronger to stop talkng to him, believing his shit. You willget angry and stop feeling sorry for him. Its NOT your duty to make this man happy, what has he done for you lovey? If he's so bright and has written this book and that, he fill in his own bloody forms can't he !!!!! We all manage it.

Now you're not in a room with him, being knocked about physically and verbally, you can clearly see how he has been lying to you. So much of what he says is just twisted nonsense, for example:

He doesn't want you to be hurt by hearing a woman's voice on the phone - so he hits you. He hurt you himself, AFTER you'd already heard the voice, and that's supposed to, um, save you from being hurt? You almost have to laugh at how crazy that sounds.

He had to send sexually explicit texts to a woman he didn't have sex with to stop her complaining about him. He had to create evidence of an affair where none existed, so that she would have proof to show whoever she complained to, so they would be more likely to believe her? That's... sort of illogical, no?

He is a tremendously successful man and you are nothing. So why is he unable to send off his own job applications? It is all your fault that he is unemployed because he is so feckin' helpless he can't even type out his own CV? Yes, very likely.

He will tell everybody about your past. He'll tell them how badly your mother treated you and how you've been abused and belittled all your life. And people are supposed to do what? Recoil from you in horror and say "you must have been a very BAD toddler for your mother to push you down the stairs"? Actually they're a lot more likely to be sympathetic and cut you some slack.

He loves you. Biggest lie of all. It's so easy to say words, any words: I love you, I hate you, the moon is made of green cheese. They mean nothing. He lies through his teeth, he lies about anything and everything as you have plainly seen for yourself, and most certainly he lied about that. Because when you love someone you do not beat them, strangle them and tell them every day that they are worthless. You tell them what you love about them, and you cherish them. That's how you treat your babies, isn't it? And that's how a proper lover treats his partner. I pray that one day you find this out.

Excellent, thought provoking post Annie.

Please listen to Annies words x

Morning dismantle and so very well done my love for getting out. Listen to Annie and re-read what she says.

He is a pathological liar and a bully. He will never change. But You have started to change already!

He is older than you - too bloody old, useless, unemployed and a violent abusive shite to boot. These are the truths.

You have to be the Big Grown Up Woman now - for your little boy. You are so articulate, you spell perfectly (closet pedant here too) and you sound so compassionate and lovely.

Today is going to be a big day for you. You MUST ring WA. Do not dither a moment longer. Your son needs you to do this for you both.

Social services is so not going to believe this man's shit and take your son away. My son was on a Child Protection Plan (had police and SS involvement when my shitty ex did a runner on me) and actually, they were wonderful. They threw support at me, they came to see us, my Health Visitor was fantastic, I really truly felt that Proper Professional People were finally in my life, (my family and parents are and were totally shit and did nothing to help me, just like yours) and most of all they believed me when I talked about my Exh and reassured me that his behaviours had been wrong, vile and atrocious. I also came to understand that if he ever came back, he would struggle to get any access to ds. He would have to go through the courts.

BTW, do you have a Health Visitor? Go and tell her everything - the more professional help you get now the better, not the other way around!

You are in a much stronger position now that you have done the bravest thing and left this man.

You are allowed to be on a roller-coaster right now - of thinking you could go back, of knowing you can't, of wondering whether he would indeed be nice to you now. That is all perfectly normal and all part of the recovery process. I promise you. I too blamed myself for the shit my exh dished out to me - I thought I deserved it because I didn't give him enough sex

We think wrong and buggered thoughts at first.

Also, please ask WA to get you on the Pattern Changing course they run. It is FANTASTIC and will help you enormously to change your thinking and understand why you have 'picked' such relationships.

You didn't pick em by they they. The bastards picked you

Much love and grab all the help you can get now. Do it. Bask in the luxury of letting warm strong hands give you help now.

(())

One last thing, if you find you are not managing to b/f at times do not beat yourself up about this (you have had enough of that at the hands of others!). Take advice from your HV and just do your best love. I was in such a bad way with stress and anxiety about the 'marriage' my milk dried up when the baby was 4 months old. It just didn't matter in retrospect so long as he was fed!

xx

Oh, yes, that reminds, me, biggest and worst lie of all: that Social Services will take your baby away unless you come back to him. That is completely on its head. If you carried on living with him, they might. In fact they should. Violence and shouting is no atmosphere for a child, even if it is "only" all directed at his mother. You stand a much better chance of being a great mum to your precious boy away from that dreadful atmosphere, and you will be supported in that. But you do need to co-operate with the right authorities.

Btw I don't believe he really thinks you're cheating, either. The idea is to make you want to prove you're not, by (what else) coming back. Then of course he'll knock seven bells out of you just so you'll know what happened if you ever did cheat.

dismantle your son will grow up one of two ways. Secure, confident, loving and believing he is worth a lot, or with this man who will beat him and teach him to beat women himself, and teach him that the world is a terrifying and dangerous place.

Your daughter deserves that you leave this man. He was not there for her, or you, when she was dying.

bf is nice but formula is fine. What matters is a loving, safe, calm home without threats of extreme violence and abuse. You CAN provide this, as long as you call the people you need to and STOP communicating in any way with your ex.

Get help. Doing this alone is not brave. It is foolish. Nobody on this world can manage without help - there are organisations set up to help you and other women here who will give you all the support you could ever need, because most people are NOT like your awful experiences have indicated. Most people are good, and kind, and will recoil at the idea that you should ever be anything but supported.

Also agree that it is laughable to suggest they'll remove your child if you don't return. It's quite hard for a mother to lose her child, actually, and leaving a partner is not ever grounds. What might be, as said, is remaining with an extremely violent and abusive partner. Leaving is the best evidence that you can protect and care for your child.

Social Services want to help people in your shoes build a home and a life worth living for your baby. They have resources and funding to help you do that.

There is so much help on offer for you from all sorts of sources, please, please access it. Accept it.

dis - i get what you mean about dithering and needing more evidence but i don't know what else you need for you to see that he's not worth it.

Although you say that P's behaviour is "normal" to you there is part of you that knows it isn't normal because of how you realise J shouldn't be growing up around that if that makes sense? Also, if your DD was here and older and going through this what would you say to her? I'm sure you would tell her that she deserves to be treated like the princess she is and have someone who appreciates her so i hope you apply that to yourself.

I hope that makes some kind of sense, i've not had a lot of sleep but i'll tell all about that on the other thread {wink} Let us know when you have called WA. xxxxx

dismantle I'm so glad that you have not gone back home and that you are back posting and processing everything. I am another one who has been thinking about you overnight.

I don't have personal experience to draw on for you but I just have this burning anger against the man that did this to you and I want to add to the words on this thread to support you.

Something that stood out for me, and should for you (violence aside as you admit you've become "conditioned to that") - FFS he wouldn't pay for a grave for your DD. That is fucking horrible - he doesn't love you and he didn't love your DD. Seriously you know he has the money - you've earnt money - he has more than one property. If people have no money then beg,borrow or steal to pay for a grave .

I can tell, honestly tell, from your posts that you are such a lovely lovely girl - your posts show intelligence, humour, warmth etc etc. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Please don't worry about money etc - Women's Aid can help you out with somewhere to stay and applying for benefits etc. Eventually you'll get somewhere for you and DS and you can work to support you both.

All these threats that he is making, love - you have to discuss them with Women's Aid and or social services/ the police. Women's Aid are the ones with the experience in this. There is no way that you can deal with this on your own.

Women's Aid can arrange police protection for you to retrieve your property from the flat.

WE ALL BELIEVE YOU - EVERY ONE WILL BELIEVE YOU.

Can I ask how you are paying for the hotel? Do you have access to your own account via debit card or a credit card. Are you sure that he won't cut these off. Do not use this as a reason to return home - I am telling you now that if you need your hotel bill to be paid then the MNers will pay. One of us will phone up the hotel and pay it.

Good morning Dismantle, Have you rung WA yet?

If you find yourself wondering if maybe P does love you then do me a favour... Take a look at your DS, that warm feeling you get when you look at him, the need to nurture and protect...thats love!

Also I don't have any baby stuff left but I'm not to shabby a dressmaker and I'd like to offer my help too

Also, you won't want to consider it now probably but hey, I have a lovely biggish house in beautiful Devon, near the sea. I have 2 really lovely spare rooms right next to each other - one for you and one for ds. I have EVERYTHING you would need for him as i haven't sold anything .

I have tons of clean and carefully put away baby clothes from baby size up to aged 3, a full travel system, maxi-cosi car seat, all feeding things, sterilising stuff, you name it.

I have a paddling pool and a baby swing in the garden, a large kitchen and a spare sitting room. Also wireless broadband.

WA are fabulous down here, they run the Pattern Changing course (they don't do it everywhere and possibly not where you are)

You could come and stay for as long as you like. You would be away from your P. Well away. And you wouldn't need to bring a single thing, (except a bottle of wine, but I have lots of that too! )

Failing that, when you are ready, come for a lovely holiday with your son.

I am a single parent to ds aged 2. I have been where you are, though not through such as awful a time. I would love to help as MN and other strangers were so bloody fantastic helping me when I needed it so badly.

RING WA TODAY btw...

Unlikely - fabulous offer! Can I come? ! Actually - just in case, would you mind emailing me your info? I want Dismantle to know that I have all the info she needs should she decided to talk to me.

CantThinkofFunnyName at googlemail dot com

Unlikely - How fabulous! What a sanctuary to offer.

Please take unlikely up on her offer dismantle. I know it's a huge leap of faith, but it'll be perfect for you and DS. You can get yourself sorted and then work out your next plan of action.

I'm sure there will be many Mumsnetters on here, willing to put forward the money for the train.

Morning Dis Just wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you.
Like others have said, you are not being a bother, you are so so so worth helping!

let us know how you get on with WA.