MIL and respect

[pommedeterre]

Quick background - ILs descended on us three days after a very traumatic birth - we tried to get them to wait until the weekend after but they refused. We made them stay in local hotel so not hideous but, imo, still far too soon. She kept trying to distract dd from crying when I knew she was hungry (was bfing at the time) and was very bossy. The weeks following this were very stressful for us with newborn, house move and horrible time at work for dh. Their idea of help? Whinging that we weren't making the 3 hour plus journey to visit them. They then came to see us when dd was 8 weeks old. Mil ignored me from the beginning, had dd the WHOLE time (except night feeds obv ) and did the opposite to expressed wishes right in front of us. Also tried to reheat formula feeds and was a bit stroppy when I pointed out why not. She is very much 'I know what is best for babies and you don't'. She also gets jealous as my mum has seen her more but that is because my mum comes to see us and makes her own way here.

So, we're going to see them next Sat at a big family day. She is already miffed because my mum is babysitting her the day before when we are going to a wedding and we are staying at my parents (they have a separate flat bit in their house so we can stay without disturbing anyone else in night). I want to use Sat as a trial because she is coming to stay with us for five weekdays in July (great) and wants me to organise work meetings during these days so she can babysit dd. At the moment I am worried about leaving dd with her as feel will come back to reheated formula feeds and rusks being fed to her.

I know I am being a bit precious but surely my wishes should be respected? Dh sticks up for her but did concede she was a bit lala last time she came to visit.

How can I make the most of next sat to see if she will respect my wishes if I leave dd with her? Am I being way too over the top? I feel fine leaving her with my mum as my mum does exactly what I ask and would never be so disrespectful as to suggest she knew best.

you are not being precious at all. If you dont trust her with your baby then dont leave her with the baby. Also if she cant respect your wishes then I dont see why you have to put up with her at all.

TBH I don't think by the sound of it that there is any chance she will follow what you want to do. She wants the chace to babysit her DGD, but she will do it her way if her opinions are that strong.

I wouldn't leave your DD with her. If you are brave enough I'd tell her why.

Why on earth is she coming to stay with you for 5 weeks??? That's too long even if you got on great with her!

You are going to fall out with her one of these days so it might as well be now that you stand up to her. If the things she want to do differently really matter to you(as in, would genuinely have an adverse effect on DD's welfare) -then tell her she is not looking after your baby unless she does certain things your way. If it wouldn't harm your baby then don't sweat it.

But if you let her boss you around she will keep on doing it.

Your DH's primary loyalty should be to you his wife, not his mother. He should be sticking up for you instead and talking to his Mum very firmly.

What your MIL is doing here is trying to undermine you; she has an overall lack of respect for you both as a person and mother. This will not change.

She sounds quite childish and unable to act like a reasonable, responsible adult, so I would not leave my child alone with her. I've had to do a similar thing with my ex-partner's mom. It came to me actually writing a list and going over exactly what she'd done and there was no way he could disagree with me on any of it. She is only allowed to have my son if his dad is there.

You should stand up to her. If she goes against what you've said, tell her that you asked her not to do that or take the baby from her. She can't exactly hold onto her when you've told her to hand her over. She's your child, you are her mother and she should respect that.

I don't really think that you should test her to see if she'll do what you expect her to on Saturday, but be very firm. If she does something you don't like, let it be known. Do not allow it to happen or she will walk all over you. If you do have any sort of arguments about what you're doing, do not continue this afterwards. Be perfectly pleasant and normal as though it's now dealt with. If she continues to act like a stroppy child who isn't getting her own way (which sounds likely) then she will only be showing herself up.

You are a parent now and need to be authoritative in this situation. Show her that you won't let her boss you around and you are in control.

It's your husband who needs to be dealing with this, but if he won't grow some and do it, then you will have to. (been there, done that)

I think I would not be arranging work meetings so she can look after her. Why should you? If you're not thinking of having her as main childcarer at any time soon, then why cause yourself unnecessary stress now?

Think you're all right that I need to stand up to her. When they came after 3 days I was so tired and emotional (day milk came in) and gave into bossiness as was not feeling confident. Think this then set a pattern...
Dh is a bit of a mummy's boy.

I've been thinking about it and feel that a lot of the problem is due to how much of her self esteem is tied up in being 'good with babies'. FIL often says 'If there's one thing in this world she was meant to do it is look after babies' and dh said to me 'She's such a natural mother she just finds it hard to curb it'.
Am I the only one to find it all a bit weird and ridiculous that they are all like this about her and babies?
How can I not damage her ego but still take control of what she does with dd?
Feeling sick about sat already and dh and I are already grouchy with each other as I am feeling sensitive about it but can't bring it up with him.

That is definitely weird and ridiculous. She may have been natural mother but the fact is that she is NOT your child's mother - you are. She's not a child and you don't have to give in to what she wants so that you don't upset her. I'm sorry that I can't give better advice but it seems as though they're scared of upsetting her. She wouldn't be acting like this with a friend's baby and she has no right to do this with your baby. I think you just need to act as though you're very confident and know what you're doing so she can't keep pushing in and trying to tell you the right way to do things. There's no need to be mean but you can't let yourself be bossed around.

If your dh doesn't have the balls to put a stop to it then you need to do it yourself.

Eg. "Mil, I won't be leaving dd unattended with you as you show blatant disregard for my parenting requests. She is my baby not yours and times have changed. By continuing to reheat formula and attempt early weaning you are putting her at risk."

Why exactly is she coming for 5 weeks if she only lives 3 hours away?

OK, my mill came for 10 weeks - she's a bit like you mil and I had to fight her not to let her take over and where she couldn't take over she undermined constantly. Hugely draining.

Do not have her to stay for 5 weeks.

Do not organise work around her having more time with you baby.

OP said she's staying for five weekdays, not five weeks!

Oh gawd!Sorry!

OK, my view is that if you don't see her that often then she's probably missing her granchild - but ensure you have your normal childcare in place and ensure that you dh is also on side for this. You will have to bring it up with him.

She sounds awfully controlling and jealous.If
you just let her come and stay she WILL expect to be left in your child. You need to manage her expectations sooner rather than later.

My mil was like this - but she is actually crap with little children and not able to deal with any little mishap let alone crisis. She controls away but even she knows she cannot look after ds alone. She wouldn't ask to.

Do try and get your husband on side for this because. I'm sure that he's aware that his dm wants to be alone looking after the lo and he's hoping your silence means it will just happen. You need to make your wishes much louder now. If you don't you'll resent her and your dh.

Saturday was a little better but when dd cries MIL would never hand her back and when she cried on her great nan she said 'Nan, she wants you' and gave her back to MIL. Great nan also said 'She knows her nanna doesn't she'.
Hard to be mad at a 93 year old but really didn't help the situation with MIL acting like a surrogate mother!
Have talked to DH who thinks I am over reacting and exaggerating her behaviour in my mind. I explained about when she came after 3 days and took over with her and explained how I felt about him and his skewed priorities since dd has been born. He has screwed me over a couple of times in order to please other people.
He thinks I'm hormonal (and I have been told to stop taking the mini pill by the docs now so maybe he's right) so isn't taking me hugely seriously.

On her babysitting DH is taking one day off so I am going to go to work on that day and they can look after her together.

I don't think you are being hormonal. The behaviour does sound to me as if MIL is indeed taking your dd over (or trying to).

This "she is so good with babies" stuff is ringing real alarm bells to me.

My mum went through similar stuff with her MIL, always being iver ridden and undermined. the whole family used to say "you see X is SUCH a good cook" everyone said this, all the time. But my mums MIL (my granny) was NOT a good good, she was ok, but there was this myth in the family that she was "such a good cook", it was like a brain washing. My mum once piped up that she thought a good cook should make stock and was shouted down for it.

The thing was my granny was a very controlling person and had got everyone to buy into this myth even though it was completely unsubstantiated by any facts or behaviour that she showed.

I think you MIL is like this, she feel she is good with babies, has put out masses of propaganda but actually isn't. the trouble is her entire self image now hinges on her "being good with babies" which you husband and FIL keep feeding by backing up this statement. Sounds like neither are qualified to judge this at all.

You do need to stand up to her and lay down some rules. Talk to your DH and say that, based on the evidence she is very opinionated about babies but not very informed. Your DH needs to understand this.

Don't wait for her to be handed back, stand up and physically take her.

Colditz - am doing to try this and just go with gut instinct of 'I want dd back' rather than trying to be polite and respectful of the fact she doesn't see dd all the time.

What I will never understand is that she never thinks that dd is hungry. DD is very content but a real snacker and generally when she cries it's all about food. I tend to go and make a bottle and give it to MIL but it rarely gets used. The rest of the family follow her example and dd seems to spend the whole day slightly hungry being bounced up and down and having her toys waved at her.
Maybe it's just mine but don't babies generally cry about food more than anything else?!

This thing about jiggling babies and waving toys about, 2cm away from their eyes drives me stark raving mad!

I agree that babies cry about food more than anything else!

I second what Colditz says, and get up and take your baby back.

Good luck....

Hi Pomme,

My MIL is similar. Seemed determined to be unbeilevably lazy i.e. turned up to cuddle baby to sleep (not helpful as then did not wake for food, plus MY BABY and I WANTED TO CUDDLE MY BABY) then demanding cups of tea blah blah.

I was in agony in all the places it's not nice to be in agony plus I had spent 50 hours awake due to labour.

I have never forgiven her, she is selfish to an incredible degree.

However, in my case I also have to recognise she is:

1. lonely
2. not got any life of her own so insists on living it through us (v annoying, yes I know)
3. desperate to try and solve 1 and 2 above my demonstrating she can be trusted with MY BABY.

However unfortunately went about it all the wrong way and hormones, agony and extreme sleep deprivation preventing me recognising the above and responding to it with anything other than withdrawal, and not answering phone when it range 27 million times a day ( I kid you not).

Could your MIL be similar? It is important you have a good realtionship when you can as you will need babysitters one day...

Hi pommedeterre, how uncanny that there I am discussing a very similar thing on a thread in AIBU.

My MIL used to really creep me out the way that she used to be with DD, almost like she wanted to be her Mum instead of me. And she also demanded/expected me to make myself scarce so that she could have time on her own with DD. I used to feel uncomfortable about it as I always got the impression it was so she could play at being Mummy with me out of the picture (caught her referring to herself as Mummy a few times). The thing that you mention that leaps out at me is this "being good with babies" thing. My MIL used to be a midwife and it's this big thing within my DH's family that MIL is amazing with babies. The difference being that she actually is though. All the GC's utterly adore her and my DD prefers MIL over my Mum any day. But it makes me wonder if there is something in this.

As I say in the other thead my relationship with my MIL is much much better now. But it took a couple of years and the appearance of other GC's to make it so.

Oh my god. So so similar. The whole feeling like I don't exist anymore is sooo true. I don't ecen get listened to when pointing out why the baby I'm with 24/7 is crying!

MIL and I have never got on great even before as we are very different and I know she totally adored dh's ex who he with for 8 years. She also had similar interests to the whole of dh's family and I can imagine that she fitted into the situation so much better than I do.

FIL was here on his own overnight as he was in our area for work two nights ago and that was much more relaxed. I didn't feel so judged and found it much easier to take her back when she cried say 'She's hungry' and give her a bottle myself. With MIL I know she likes to give the bottle so worry more. She just thinks babies should be on routine feeding times so won't feed her off 'schedule' and dd is just not like that.

I feel that my mum understands dd more as an actual mini person with preferences and habits whereas MIL is more 'She's a baby and babies do this'. My mum also supports me whereas MIL couldn't give a flying f*ck about me. My parents are coming down in August and have offered a nights babysitting so dh and I can have our first night out together. That would not even cross PIL minds I don't think.

I would really like dh's brother and girlfriend to reproduce immediately as I thought this past weekend that everything would be so less intense then. Your post confirms that!

The worrying thing about MIL as 'Mummy' is that this is so reinforced by the rest of the dh's family and sometimes it does feel like I am totally invisible. Watching dd with her 'new' mummy from behind a glass wall.

She is now only coming for 2 days next week and then FIL is joining her for the weekend here. This should make things better but I am determined to just get dd when I want her and not be polite about it. When she has dd for the day dh will be there and he will have strict rules to give her!

I am so glad to hear that I am not the only one to feel like this.

wow,most of these MIL sound like mine,she never liked me from the get og,when i got pregnant,she DID NOT congratulate me,i have to breath in and out to stay sane when i think about it,and when she comes,them my DD is automatically hers,she will want to give her the bottle and all,and i don't mind,

actually our relationship is better,what pissed me off is when that adorable girl was born with dark long hair,not only did she become nicer to me,she acted like we had been buddies,all the horrible things left behind,well,i played along,bcoz she ADORES my DD and doesn't and will never try to be mummy,she refers to herself as farmor,,which means grandmother in a scandic language,,

bcoz she is lovely with babysitting,i let all the bad go and put it behind me,also i stand up for myself,when she babysits and i come home,she will not hand over my DD,she will take her out of her bed or bassinet and cuddle her,i will walk in and ask to change her,if that doesn't work,i ask to breastfeed,if not then i ask to hold her,,im her mother,,

another good thing is when MIL is babysitting,i leave them to it and do all the housework i can't do when alone,so that i don't get territorial as well,before i would watch her like a hawk,but when i realised that DD is safe,i relaxed,,,good luck though,,it takes time,,we are not there and will probably not get there,but at least my DH doesn't need to play chaperon and sit between us anymore,,God,,life is something,RELATIONSHIPS are something,,all work really,,