MIL and respect

[pommedeterre]

Quick background - ILs descended on us three days after a very traumatic birth - we tried to get them to wait until the weekend after but they refused. We made them stay in local hotel so not hideous but, imo, still far too soon. She kept trying to distract dd from crying when I knew she was hungry (was bfing at the time) and was very bossy. The weeks following this were very stressful for us with newborn, house move and horrible time at work for dh. Their idea of help? Whinging that we weren't making the 3 hour plus journey to visit them. They then came to see us when dd was 8 weeks old. Mil ignored me from the beginning, had dd the WHOLE time (except night feeds obv ) and did the opposite to expressed wishes right in front of us. Also tried to reheat formula feeds and was a bit stroppy when I pointed out why not. She is very much 'I know what is best for babies and you don't'. She also gets jealous as my mum has seen her more but that is because my mum comes to see us and makes her own way here.

So, we're going to see them next Sat at a big family day. She is already miffed because my mum is babysitting her the day before when we are going to a wedding and we are staying at my parents (they have a separate flat bit in their house so we can stay without disturbing anyone else in night). I want to use Sat as a trial because she is coming to stay with us for five weekdays in July (great) and wants me to organise work meetings during these days so she can babysit dd. At the moment I am worried about leaving dd with her as feel will come back to reheated formula feeds and rusks being fed to her.

I know I am being a bit precious but surely my wishes should be respected? Dh sticks up for her but did concede she was a bit lala last time she came to visit.

How can I make the most of next sat to see if she will respect my wishes if I leave dd with her? Am I being way too over the top? I feel fine leaving her with my mum as my mum does exactly what I ask and would never be so disrespectful as to suggest she knew best.

Babysitting is fine when kids are of an age that you want to leave them.
I agree that if you want your baby back you ask for her back and put your arms out in an "I will not be refused" sort of way, and if not immediately handed back I'd say "excuse me I'd like my daughter please".
Glad I didn't have inlaws like this. I was breastfeeding which meant other folk couldn't take over to the same degree, plus no inlaws staying with us that soon after the birth.
Be more assertive. Tell husband why wheat isn't recommended for babies under 6 months so he won't give rusks (and don't have rusks in the house).

My MIL was like this when DD was tiny and it was horrendous.

The main issue is that you need to get your husband on side and he needs to stand up for you when his mother starts or, frankly, you're on a hiding to a lot of aggravtion and rows in the future.

You mention your BIL - am I right in assuming that MIl doesn't have daughters of her own?

Please try and resolve this with your husband as much as with your MIL.

My in-laws attitudes and outlooks are very different from mine and my familys (a bit Victorian imho even though they are younger than my parents). We also have the jealousy between the nans and DH not standing up to his mum.

We have blow ups about the situation between 1 and 3 times a year. My DD is 6 now and quite honestly I'm not sure how much more of it my marriage can take.

Don't mean to sound so negative, just really want to implore you that getting your DH on board as soon as possible is soooo important.

Best of Luck.

Thanks everyone - it was a better weekend. Got DH to put off BIL (no SILS womblingfree you're right) and girlfriend so it was just us and the PILs which was much easier.
I went to work on the Friday leaving PIL and DH with DD. She refused point blank to feed from MIL apparently and DH said he looked after DD for most of the day until she calmed down mid afternoon as MIL couldn't deal.
The rest of the weekend she refused to feed from anyone but me. Although this is obviously a bit of a PITA couldn't have happened at a better time.
On Sat night they stayed in and DH and I went out for a drink and he basically admitted that he knew MIL had been a bit 'surrogate mother' but that he thought she'd been cured of that now.
The only sticking point is that BIL is mad at us and when MIL tried to book a weekend to come down in August at the end of the weekend I had to put her off until September she got a bit offended I think.
Womblingfree (good name by the way) - I think you are right but it's all such a delicate situation. My family is so easy- we all say what we mean and respect each others wishes and boundaries. It's very open and easy. I feel like I'm always second guessing his family. Very much like what you're describing I think - DH's relationship with his parents is more like I remember my parents being with my grandparents.
Thanks for all the replies - it does help to know I'm not the only one!

Quick update.. she had her on her own from eight until four a couple of weeks ago. She literally dragged dd out of my arms whilst I was trying to say goodbye she was so beside herself.
Then she referred to herself as 'Mummy' with dd the next day. i didn't say anything and I do think she shocked herself a little bit as the next day she was very much 'Where's your mummy, there's mummy' about me which she normally isn't.
On holiday last week dh admitted that MIL had asked a few times if they could come with us on the holiday and he'd refused. This holiday was sooo important to us as a family as he works so hard and I can't believe she'd even think that PIL should be there.
Anyway, he got very upset about the whole thing whilst we were away (he had a few glasses of wine though). He said he has never seen his mum behave 'badly' and be so selfish as since dd was born. He said he worries so much about her and me and his dad being upset/not having dd time that he feels he then wastes his very precious time to see dd too and noone cares about him and his time with her.
I saw fit not to point out that my mum always hands dd straight over to him when he comes through the door when she's staying as I am very mature :)
Anyway - question would be how can I in any way sort this mess?
Should I stay stum and just run off to count to ten in our bedroom when she's hear dreaming about taking up smoking again? He said he would talk to her but I know he won't as it's so sensitive. He mentioned speaking to FIL about it but hasn't mentioned that since. Not sure if I should bring it up again.
We are now in a situation where before they come and stay I don't sleep at all and when they've gone he gets upset with the stress of it all.
Any advice on how other people have dealt with these types of situation?

"and wants me to organise work meetings during these days so she can babysit dd"

I would refuse!

Can your DH have a word?

pomme,

Fortunately for yourself you come from a family where such dysfunction is thankfully unknown. Your DH is not so fortunate here but he still needs to talk to his parents, particularly his mother. If she resists his talking then you have your answer. Both of you need to present a united front to these two individuals (i.e your MIL and FIL), firm boundaries need to be set. I don't personally think that your MIL will take any notice of any boundaries you impose.

re your comments:-

"Should I stay stum and just run off to count to ten in our bedroom when she's hear dreaming about taking up smoking again?"

Short answer to that one on both counts is no.

"He said he would talk to her but I know he won't as it's so sensitive"

He has to talk to her and her H (I would not let him off the hook here as he is acting as a bystander for want of a quiet life). Your DH needs to grow a spine here because his mother will drive you both mad. His primary loyalty should be to you his wife and not his personality disturbed mother. Is your H also aware that his mother referred to herself as your child's "mummy". Would not leave your DD unattended with this woman any longer.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as this may help you.

Yes, he knows. he describes it as a 'switch being turned on in her' and that she can't control it. She just reverts to being a mother. He too will go on about how 'mothering' she is and how dd will like it when she's older (only 6 mnths). I got a bit mad about that - imo I'm the only one who should 'mother' dd. Maybe a bit irrational!
I like the idea of him talking to his father about it. The only issue is if FIL hasn't noticed or doesn't see anything wrong. DH's brother noticed and commented to dh about it when they were here though so hopefully FIL would have too. It's not very hard to notice!
I need to bring it u again with him but he gets very upset about it and with his work being stressful and us just having come out of an amazing two week holiday feel a bit loath to right now.
My mum says that I should be the grown up one and put up with it. She says she's proud that I haven't got angry with MIL/made my discomfort apparent and have let MIL have the time she wants with dd.

Pomme, your story reminds me of my situation with my FIL since my DD was born just over a year ago. MIL thought I had stopped going around to theirs because DH and I were splitting up!! No way could she believe that FIL was to blame!! MIL, DH and I had a talk about it all and she went back and spoke to FIL. He still behaves like a bit of an idiot but not quite as bad. I try to go round there more often but we're nowhere near where we should be.

Like your mom, my mom usually tells me that I should put up with it because I need to get on with DH's father, except when she says that FIL is an a*hole. And like your DH, my DH finds it all stressful and just wants us to get along.

The good thing about your DH is that he acknowledges that MIL is out of order so the next time you are due to see PIL, remind DH that he needs to speak to FIL. If not, I think it is down to you to speak to MIL yourself in as calm a fashion as possible. The thing about you not informing her that her behaviour is unacceptable is that she will just continue and you will grow more and more resentful.