I just don't know where to go with our marriage

[roslily]

Ok, this could be quite long.

We have been married for nearly 2 years. Ds cam along last August, he was unplanned. Dh had said he didn't want children (this wasn't his view when I met him and agreed to marry him). He was not happy about the pregnancy, but I thought about it and told him that I would do this without him. I gave him time to think about it, I remained calm about it. He decided to stay, he said it was the right thing to do. I explained that I didn't want him to stay for those reasons.

Anyway fast forward, ds is now nearly 10months old. I had a really hard time when ds was tiny, as did dh. He was a very screamy baby. Dh wasn't always great, sometimes shouting, not doing fair share. He moved into spare room and even when I stopped BF, he didn't do any night feeds. When I was ill with norovirus I still got up with ds and did most stuff. His reason- he had to work.

Any things have been up and down with us. Things have got better but he always reverts back to default. I am now back at work full time (teacher). Ds is getting up early, has been from 5am. I get up every day with him, and any time in the night. Last month we agreed that I could have a lie in on a saturday, but I don't always get it.

I lost it a bit last week as I was so tired (I am marking exam papers as well at moment) and had a go at him, saying I wanted to share all the getting up. He said no. That I was lucky to get Saturday. He has/had ME and uses this all the time. He happily stays up late playing on computer/watching TV. I just think on the days he does he should go to bed early.

Anyway I am so sick of this, I feel like is he actually cared for me he would do his fair share. There are loads of examples I could give, but basically what he wants to do comes first (gym/cycling/computer) and we come second.

I have tried talking to him etc, but it makes no difference. I don;t want to end a marriage over it, but his Dad is the same and his mum just puts up with it.

DOes anyone have any advice?

Oh dear.

I don't see what you are getting out of this marriage, to be honest.

Would you really be any worse off without him?

I don't think I would, but I worry about ds growing up without living with both of us (my parents have been married for 35 yrs) and I am Christian, so my marriage vows are important to me, and I really want to feel like I have given it my best shot.

You have to make a decision whether you are prepared to come second or not?

If your not then you can tell your dh that you are not prepared to be treated like this and the marriage wil be over.

You can't make him change, you can choose to not tolerate it any more and give him the choice of whether he wants to change or not.

Ultimatum time, I'd say.

You have to make a decision whether you are prepared to come second or not?

If your not then you can tell your dh that you are not prepared to be treated like this and the marriage wil be over.

You can't make him change, you can choose to not tolerate it any more and give him the choice of whether he wants to change or not.

I don't want to sound like an old bag, but marriage is a partnership - you have a marriage in name only.

He is not your partner.

Any man that has a baby and then does this 'it's your job' bollocks gets right on my tits.

I had a hard time after dd was born, I was quite weak and weedy, dh did every night feed, we swapped over at 7am, he would go to bed, get up at 12noon, at work for 1pm, home around 7pm - 8pm.

Washed up, did all lifting eg. putting shopping away, and never moaned. We were both knackered, dd didn't sleep much, at times it felt like hell but we were in it together!

I feel for your little boy as I'm not convinced his dad will ever really be a proper dad, iyswim.

This does sound so grim and I don't want to suggest you have to grind on for ever, but it is true that dads who are utterly useless in the early period (especially pre-talking) can get a whole lot better later on.

I think you need some support now. This not getting your Saturday lie in is just ridiculous. This has to happen and it has to happen now. I would suggest that you have a talk with your dh about this but that your bottom line is that you will go and stay with a friend/your Mum on Friday nights so that you definitely get that lie-in. If he doesn't want that to happen, then he needs to sort himself out. If he thinks you are trying to leave, tell him that you are trying your bloody best not to. Every religion, every philosophy, every society gives people a day off, it is ESSENTIAL.

Try that first. Then see if things get better.

FFS bin this lazy parasite. He's happy enough to have his meals cooked and his washing done in exchange for just living in your house and allowing you to say you're not single - this is not a good bargain for you. While I have no time for religion in general I do know plenty of Christians who have no time for the idea that women are men's slaves and property, they don't reckon Jesus would have said that.

are there any good things going on in this marriage at the moment?

There are some good moments. Mostly we get on, but I am just knackered and object to doing everything. We argue/snipe at each other a lot, over housework (he thinks I don't do enough) or money.

I know it is hard for you to know the whole relationship, I can't possibly put it all down here.

Whenever I suggest him doing more he gets really sulky suggesting he does enough already.

He is actually good with ds now, does bath time most nights (except if he wants to do stuff to his car etc) and as ds gets older he gets more involved in the fun stuff. But if ds is grumpy, up early, ill etc it is my job.

You need to impinge on him that this was not what you signed up for, and that he is acting as if he doesn't respect you.

The 'you're lucky to get a Saturday' would really be a deal breaker for me, as it's self centered/self indulgent and his actions are that of a single guy.

But what about you? Do you feel loved? Is the marriage worth saving? Is there anything you like about him?

And for those suggesting that marriage vows are important, well he sure isn't living up to the 'honor' and 'respect' parts.

Maybe it would be helpful if you framed the discussion around your respective contributions in the home around paid work. If you have returned to full time paid work maybe you should discuss scaling back if he will not pull his weight at home (although this approach will not work if he would like you to scale back paid work!)

Feel for you. My DH never got up in the night, did bathtime, bedtime etc. When pushed he did share the weekend mornings though - 5.45 am Sesame Street if I remember correctly.

At least the school holidays will be coming round soon....

Does he share your religious faith? Is the particular brand of Christianity you go for one of those which allows men to get away with claiming superiority over women? Or is he just a plain old fashioned sexist who doesn;t think women are entirely human anyway?

The way to tell if your relationship is fair, equal and sustainable or if the man is taking the piss is this: both partners should have the same amount of free time to do what they want, whether that's playing computer games, going to the opera or just having a sleep. The fact that he works for pay does not mean that you are on duty 24/7 in exchange for your keep.

But SGB, it's worse than that as she works full time too!

Am in doubt that he really has ME, if he has the energy to go cycling and to the gym, and to stay up late playing. Sounds more like a bad case of "ME FIRST"!

I expect he justifies it by saying he didn't want the baby in the first place. But then, as he seemed happy with the idea of children before getting you pregnant (you couldn't have done it without him ) that is also something of a non-argument. It seems he's perfectly happy to have children as long as someone else does all the work. This is the model he is used to seeing from his parents so he just doesn't see anything wrong with it - and it's not in his interests to accept it's wrong because that would mean a lot of extra work and other unpleasantness for him!

I'm a Christian too btw, insisted on getting married in church, meant every word of my vows and did my best to honour them. I am divorced nowadays because I do not believe my husband honoured his. It's not a licence to be shat on.

I am afraid this is a classic example of what having a child does to your life/marriage etc...

it is all too common I am afriad for couples to seperate. We are in an Identical state as you inc DW being a teacher, so I know how busy you are, our DS gets up at 5am, no matter what we try.

so one of us is always tired and grumpy, Sex what is that!

We however take it in turns, as it is the only fair way.

Your husband is suffering from what I did in the beginning, and that is expecting the baby not to change your way of life. unless he accepts that, and all signs are he wont, I am afraid.

Remember as well, not only does he have a unwanted child, he has also lost his wife.

if he wont help that is classic resentment. Now for the part you probably dont want to hear, Yo choose to have the baby, knowing full well he was not keen, when you made that decision you said you was ready to do it on your own, so you have effectively arrived at that junction.

You have to have a very difficult discussion with your DH now, he needs to be told that life is NEVER going to be the same again, he has to step up to the plate or go. Tell him if he chooses to go you will respect that decision and understand it.

I haven't got anything massively constructive to say OP (sorry). But I'm a Christian too and your DH does sound terribly immature. Anniegetyourgun has put it very well; one's marriage vows are not a licence to be shat on!

Aeschylus, I disagree. OP's DH indicated his desire to start a family when she married him. She didn't, from what I gather, get pregnant on the sly. And, imho, although terrifically irrelevant to all concerned, is that termination just because one's DH changed his mind is not really cricket.

Although I am inclined to agree with Aeschylus's last line. Do you go to a homegroup? Have anyone you can talk to? I'll pray for you if you like?

You seem to be trying to be understanding, Aeschylus, but you also seem to be trying to blame the OP for her DH's shocking lack of responsibility, accountability and care for his DW.

It doesn't matter one tiny bit whether he wanted this child or not. He made it and now he has to step up, man up and take some of the workload.

You share the work with your DC and that is how it should be. This useless man is not doing this or acknowledging that he should. Having a child is not the same as any other compromise you make in a marriage where one partner gives in to keep the other happy. They have created a child who needs two parents. At what point does this man want to explain to the child: 'No - I don't want to play with you, help you with your homework or cook your dinner because...hey...you're not my fault. I never wanted you in the first place. You are your mother's job.'

Apart from anything else the OP sounds wrung out, exhausted and at the end of her tether. Any caring husband would want to take some of that load regardless of whether the cause of her exhaustion was 'her decision' or not. I just can't understand why we let men get away with this. Women have babies they don't want too and they are expected to shoulder the work. We seem to allow men far too much leeway to 'adjust' and 'come to terms with the change in their lives'. It's bollocks, frankly, and it makes me really .

Sorry LS I meant that because the pregnancy was unplanned, and he expressed he did not want a child at that point.

People do change their minds, however he probably may of just said he wanted Kids at the beginning, rather than meaning that.

DO you know what I think would work well here, you should ask him to go away for 2 weeks, if after that 2 weeks he feels ready to be a dad (and the work that comes with bein a Dad) and Husband, then you will love him to be that man, but after that 2 weeks if he feels Marriage and Kids is not for him, you will respect that and go your seperate ways.

FWIW, I don't think Aeschylus was trying to blame the OP - I think he was trying to put across what her H is thinking. Which is probably fairly accurate.

Roslily - I am for you in this situation. It might be worth sitting down with your DH and asking him what, if any, is the point in you continuing in this non-partnership? Ask him what he thinks you get out of it? Ask him if he thinks he is being fair to you. And ask him if he really cares about you at all, as currently he is doing a bloody good job of appearing not to give a shit.

Then see what happens. If he appears to be have a sensible response (i.e. agrees that he isn't pulling his weight and it's not fair) - have some ideas at the ready of how he could help improve the situation.
If he blusters and whinges and says it's all your fault and he never wanted the baby, then seriously consider giving him the heave-ho.

@ Lifeissweet

It may suprise yo to know according to Goverment stastistics Men now do on average 5 hours a day of child care, up from 21 mins in the 70's

it is predicted in 15 years men will now do more than women!

Thats official.

oh just a small point we should not forget that sometimes like in my case my DS is a Daddys boy, so my DW actually has to do no care as soon as I am around it is Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

that is sometimes harder than not getting enough sleep.

I think two weeks is far too short. That's a holiday, ffs. A license to go out cycling/drinking/flirting/clubbing/whatever.

Six months might make him really realise what he's lost (and, one hopes, some peer pressure from his mates - if they're not all such tits as he - when they are disgusted at his juvenile behaviour).

Do any of his mates have equal partnerships and dc?

"It may suprise yo to know according to Goverment stastistics Men now do on average 5 hours a day of child care, up from 21 mins in the 70's

it is predicted in 15 years men will now do more than women!

Thats official."

FLYING PIG ALERT!!!

Not meaning to be rude to you, Aeschylus, you're just quoting, but we all know about lies, damned lies and statistics and this one's a doozy.

LMAO I did raise a eyebrow or two, but that is what they are telling us, but even if not 5 hours it is still good news

A lot of his friends have dc and they share much more, he is the only one.

Thanks for all the advice. I do have a house group I will talk to. It isn't that my faith means I can't get divorced or that I should be his slave, but I suppose I would feel like such a failure if it went wrong.

He did get up this morning, no arguments. I am going to talk to him today. I think I need to show him that I am serious.

I didn't mean to be rude to you, Aeschylus. Honestly. This OP just wound me up a bit and you got the brunt - sorry!

I know what you are saying about him not wanting children and it being unplanned. However, I don't think it's right that he should have the option of saying: 'oops. Made a mistake. Really don't want children. Don't want to change my life' and walking away. Regardless of whether this child was planned or wanted or whatever, the child exists and it is not fair on that child to opt out.

I am coming at it from the child's point of view because the child is not responsible for any of the discussions and compromises and promises made before his/her birth.

Accidents happen and children are made. Really, he needed to be more straight aboutnot wanting children before they were married and should have given his DW the chance to walk away and find someone to have children with. As he didn't and they allowed this accident to happen he is as much responsible for this child as the OP and needs to accept that.

I know you are not arguing that he is right and I'm sorry if I was unpleasant!

By the way, my DH (now ex) for all his faults is the most committed and involved father. He would have our DS full time if I let him. I certainly don't believe that men all have this attitude and all of my male friends with children are fully involved and take a proper share of parenting. It just still shocks me that when a man takes the view that they made a mistake having a child we seem to let him get away with it. We would never afford a mother that sort of understanding - and neither should we.