I just don't know where to go with our marriage

[roslily]

Ok, this could be quite long.

We have been married for nearly 2 years. Ds cam along last August, he was unplanned. Dh had said he didn't want children (this wasn't his view when I met him and agreed to marry him). He was not happy about the pregnancy, but I thought about it and told him that I would do this without him. I gave him time to think about it, I remained calm about it. He decided to stay, he said it was the right thing to do. I explained that I didn't want him to stay for those reasons.

Anyway fast forward, ds is now nearly 10months old. I had a really hard time when ds was tiny, as did dh. He was a very screamy baby. Dh wasn't always great, sometimes shouting, not doing fair share. He moved into spare room and even when I stopped BF, he didn't do any night feeds. When I was ill with norovirus I still got up with ds and did most stuff. His reason- he had to work.

Any things have been up and down with us. Things have got better but he always reverts back to default. I am now back at work full time (teacher). Ds is getting up early, has been from 5am. I get up every day with him, and any time in the night. Last month we agreed that I could have a lie in on a saturday, but I don't always get it.

I lost it a bit last week as I was so tired (I am marking exam papers as well at moment) and had a go at him, saying I wanted to share all the getting up. He said no. That I was lucky to get Saturday. He has/had ME and uses this all the time. He happily stays up late playing on computer/watching TV. I just think on the days he does he should go to bed early.

Anyway I am so sick of this, I feel like is he actually cared for me he would do his fair share. There are loads of examples I could give, but basically what he wants to do comes first (gym/cycling/computer) and we come second.

I have tried talking to him etc, but it makes no difference. I don;t want to end a marriage over it, but his Dad is the same and his mum just puts up with it.

DOes anyone have any advice?

Just two things...handsome is as handsome does; we'd all like to just do the fun stuff, but being a parent means doing the yukky stuff too...and people treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated.You deserve to be supported and respected.

That opens up a whole new debate though lifeissweet

ok, he did not want said child, and OP did, so we slam him for that attitude.

But what happens when a man wants a child and a woman does not, he gets no choice if the pregnancy was terminated.

So I kind of see it differently, if he clearly drew a line in the sand and said I do not want this child, and the woman proceeds with said pregnancy, apart from the Financial and Moral responsibilties should we condemn him for leaving when he clearly said no to a child (once pregnant)

I appreciate we could argue all day that it takes two to tango etc, and he should of used condoms or had the snip etc, but once pregnant it changes in reality

He is wrong in not being honest at the start or marriage.

But I gave him the option to walk away. I even said I would leave. He loves our ds, but I hate the way he speaks to me/treats me.

I have had some mental health issues and he says that I would never get custody of ds because of that.

If I try and talk to him today he will point out that he got up this morning even when he was ill(he has a sore throat).

I am an idiot for marrying him

I think the custody thing is an empty threat tbh. If he does so little for ds now, he is suddenly going to wantto do all the work, is he?

Don't see it personally.

You have only been married two years. It really isn't long and the way things are now is bad but not set in stone. It can be turned around if he is half-way willing but it sounds like very hard work to me tbh and I can't see the basic willingness in his attitude.

Can you spend a day or two acting as if you had totally made up your mind to leave him and see how it sits with you?

I feel for you i rally do.

I don't think there is anywhere to go with your marriage. Your husband clearly thinks he is the boss of you as you are lucky you get Saturdays. WTF?

I would leave, seriously.

You can't stay for your child.

You are not taking his father away from him, he isn't being a father imo.

Does he blame you for the baby or did he refuse to wear a condom?

The no custody threat is just vile.

A sore throat does not mean you are ill. under the weather at the most.

He doesn't blame me as such. We were doing natural family planning, but I obviously read my temp wrong.

I will try and talk to him tonight without it turning into an argument.

A while ago he did suggest maybe going to counselling together, dunno if he meant it though.

He doesn't blame me as such. We were doing natural family planning, but I obviously read my temp wrong.

I will try and talk to him tonight without it turning into an argument.

A while ago he did suggest maybe going to counselling together, dunno if he meant it though.

He says he does loads. Well he does clothes washing, ut doesn't put it away so it just piles up until I put it away. Occasionally he hoovers, but doesn't tidy first so it isn't really worth it.

I don't think the MH issues would prevent you from getting custody - there was a thread not long ago started by a poster who wanted to let people know that even if you have MH issues, SS will not automatically take your children away from you. So I doubt very much that any court would decide that you were not fit to look after your DS, especially if your MH issues are in the past/resolved/properly medicated for now.

OK, found the thread here - there are some people who have had a bad experience with SS, but that is probably down to individuals in the SS in question, rather than a blanket policy.

Hope it helps you anyway - but I would start another thread about it if I were you, asking specifically if he will get custody because of your MH issues, and see what responses you get.

There would be an awful lot of children removed from their mothers if them having a MHI was a problem for custody.