Malinkey, I agree with SGB.
Sorry this is really long . I?ve described my situation a bit more, just so you know where I?m coming from and am not going to judge you. I have changed some details as I don?t want to be outed so to speak. I know yours won?t be the same but I do believe the dynamic in any abusive relationship is more or less the same even if how it?s acted out varies. If you can get out faster than I did then it?ll make it a little easier for you in the long run but I know from my own experience, we only act when we?re ready to so I won?t ever criticise someone. I know how long it took me.
Mine was a long time ago, I was pretty young and we were ?together? six years. I?d say it took ten years to get out of it ? by this I mean, I realised the relationships wasn?t right after two years. I ended it physically at six years but he and the damage was still in my head for much, much longer.
I didn't have children with him. Anyway I was almost paralysed with fear when I decided to end it all. He had been physically violent. Not often but enough for me to have the fear of it in the back of my head all the time.
I imagined he'd explode with rage but in fact he was very calm. He didn?t really do rage and exploding, more quiet and controlled ? smirking when I lost it etc. I wasn?t at all controlled when I was telling him. I was crying, hands shaking and very upset that I was going. We didn?t own anything together, just rented. I think he thought I may come crawling back and I wasn?t convinced I wouldn?t either.
It didn't remain that way. Once I was clear I wasn?t going to do that, he became angry/very upset/ please come back etc - lots of phone calls - charming and conciliatory, came to my friends house where I was staying and once turned up, where I worked. I considered going back and met up a few times - where he told me he loved me, he?d behave as he always did when he was trying to wheel me in and it nearly worked.
I was so lucky that I had some friends who helped and supported me to see that going back wasn?t an option, that I didn?t have to keep hating myself as I was worth more than that and going back would be an example of self hatred. I?m so thankful that I listened to them.
It stopped after awhile and I imagine he found someone else. He was superficially charming, (worked in media ? small fry nothing big - he's probably a pensioner now), witty, physically attractive and could spot vulnerability a mile off which I would have been radiating in those days.
Like others women?s? experience here, he was pretty controlling. Particularly about what I wore. It had to be particular shoes, dresses that he?d pick out for me when we were shopping, hair in a certain way. I was conventionally physically attractive in those days and to some men and certainly the ones I knew at that time, women were trophies. He was older and liked to show me off. I remember him literally taking me around a local pub of his when we first got together, stopping at friends tables, like I was some fucking prize.
Funny about the trophy bit really as in the last year he'd sometimes put a pillow over my face when we had sex because he said he couldn't bear to look at me I was so ugly and hideous. What a fat bitch I was etc. By that time, I felt just a numb, disgusting object. I didn?t have a voice, was on anti depressants, not eating and was drinking too much.
The verbal stuff I found more insidious and that preceded the physical violence. The sarcasm, coldness, withdrawal of affection, contempt, criticism of everything from what I?d bought for dinner to my point of view about politics etc. Oh and the bloody sulking. EG: What?s the matter? You know what?s the matter. So of course I?d be pleading by the end of the evening trying to work out what I?d done wrong. I?d do anything.
The first time he hit me was two years into the relationship - because I was watching t.v. He said he did it because I wasn't paying him any attention. He smacked me round the head. It wasn't really painful but was very shocking. He never apologised and at that time, I never really considered he was wrong in doing that. Over the next few years, he punched me in the stomach and back a couple of times and kicked me. There were big gaps of time between the incidents.
He didn't stop me socialising though, just was always negative and bitchy people. I just don?t think he ever envisaged that I?d want to leave him so I suppose they weren?t a threat to him.
I worked up to leaving supported by two friends I'd confided in. It took me a long time to learn to trust my own judgment and start to feel that some other life and version of me was possible.
I really, really didn't understand or feel how bad it all was until I was out of it and then I went into therapy for a long, time was lucky that I earn enough to afford it.
I know this all sounds unbelievable to people who've never experienced it - that women stay in relationships like this - but it's like a form of brainwashing when you?re in it and I'd say that took me longer to recover from the emotional abuse than the physical. It was a drip, drip, drip effect that and the sexual side. That sense of entitlement he had.
I look at my daughter particularly and I?m pretty sure she won?t make the same choices I did as I?m bringing her up to know her own worth as I know mine now. I imagine you?ll do that with your children. You've already a stronger sense of your worth on the way already as you've told some people irl and are making plans.
Now, I'm very middle aged and uglier and couldn't be happier.