Want to separate from emotionally abusive partner but don't know whether counselling would help?

[malinkey]

A bit of background - I've been with OH for 8 years and have got to the point where I don't want to be here any more. We have a DS who is 2. I have realised (mainly from reading on here) that he is abusive and controlling and since the scales have fallen from my eyes I can't see him in a good light any more so can't see any future with him.

I want to split up but I want to do it in the least acrimonious way possible - I do realise that this may be impossible - but I want the best possible outcome for DS.

I suggested some time ago that we went to couples counselling, but this was before I had really understood what was going on. I have since seen many times on here that it is not recommended to do counselling together in these situations. BUT I wonder if it might be beneficial for me to be able to tell him in front of another person how I feel - so he might have to at least appear to listen to me - and maybe more importantly so I can say to him that I have tried everything and he might be more amenable to us splitting up and so be a better parent to DS.

Or am I kidding myself? Would it be better just to try and have a clean break? Since I told him I wasn't happy about our 'relationship' OH has been acting really affectionately and is suddenly around a lot more and wanting to 'be together' and I'm finding it all a bit suffocating.

Please let me know what you think.

Queen thank you for the link about the dominator.

Yes to: he shouts, sulks, glares, never admits he is wrong, blames stress/me, never does his share of the housework (apparently he doesn't "see it"), wheedles to get his own way, and expects me to be responsible for his wellbeing.

Partly yes to: makes me feel ugly and useless, cuts me off from my friends, controls the money.

Definite no to any sexual stuff as he seems to have absolutely no interest - this used to be hugely upsetting to me but now is a huge blessing.

He is also big into denying things he's said and done, twists things around and invalidates my feelings.

iso thanks for the lovely hug! I know you weren't trying to make me feel it's not so bad for me, I was just horrified by reading what you suffered.

I have questioned myself a lot about whether this is really abuse but whether other people would class it as that or not, it is certainly unpleasant behaviour and I no longer want to put up with it. And I have started trying to listen to how I feel - we used to have lots of arguments with me telling him I was unhappy about his behaviour and he would try and shout me down "You're too sensitive, I was only joking" etc. But now I know that if I feel unhappy about stuff then that is how I feel.

I'm going to get some legal advice today and contact the estate agents for a valuation. Putting plans into action!

Oh, and looking at the friend side of that link: he is NOT cheerful, is NOT consistent, is NOT supportive, does NOT use my name, does NOT trust my judgement and does NOT welcome my friends and family.

One of his behaviours that I find particularly irritating is the way he tells me how to do things better than the way I'm already doing them - and they are usually things that he never does himself. Don't know if you remember that Harry Enfield character 'You don't want to do it like that, you want to do it like this'? NO I DON'T - it drives me nuts!

Lol Malinkey, yes I do remember that character.

It's lovely to hear you talk about what your plans and sounding so confident in your own assessment of how his behaviour leaves you feeling.