Grandparents to be excitement

[Funkycherry]

I've posted this here rather than AIBU to get advice rather than a flaming.

I need help (possibly from existing grandparents) to get my head around something. I'm nearly 37wks pregnant with my first.

I just don't 'get' why my mother is excited about having her first grandchild. She says she "can't wait for a cuddle." Now I'm sure I will love my baby and think she is adorable but I don't understand other peoples interest.
I spent time with my own grandmothers when they were alive, but I don't remember being especially close to them.

I'm not close to my mother either, so I guess that just makes me find it even weirder that she seems to be so excited that I'm pregnant.
Currently, I stop by to see my parents every couple of weeks if I'm driving past their place (they live nearby.) We look after their dog if they go away and they look after ours. So its a civil relationship.

I just find her level of interest odd and its making me feel really uncomfortable about what she'll be like when its born.

Any thoughts?

I don't find it odd, though I guess if your relationship is a bit distant I can see why you do.

Having only one ds, I really hope that he has lots of children, lives nearby and lets me look after them a lot. (I do realise I may need to back off!).

Maybe your mum wants to reconnect with you through your baby?

Well I get excited when my friends are pregnant and love cuddling their newborns, but it doesn't mean I want to butt into their life and tell them how to do everything

They are probably just excited because it's been so long since they had babies around, and are looking forward to showing off the baby pictures to their friends etc (apparently my granny still proudly shows all the people at the village shop baby pictures of ME! ). I'm sure it's entirely innocent and they are just thinking "Ooh, going to be a cute baby around soon which we can cuddle from time to time and hand back when it cries"

Grandmothers getting all excited about forthcoming grandchildren is the norm rather than the reverse. XSIL and I had 7 children between us very close together, and MIL was thrilled every time a new one put in an appearance (shame she wasn't around for the 8th). But then she was naturally extremely maternal, loved her adult offspring tenderly, and was happy to extend it to their spouses and all our pets as well as her own! So it's no surprise that she was a doting granny as well. My mother would have been the same had she lived to see them. My own grandmother had 27 grandchildren and was always pleased to see a new one, although she couldn't always match the right name to a face! (She'd take three or four stabs at the name when talking to us, and I'd swear she called me "Ian" once...!)

It's a great pity that you didn't have such a positive experience of grandparenting or possibly even parenting. But then again, some people just relate to new babies a lot better than they do to older children. Perhaps when the novelty wears off and the new toy begins to exhibit its own personality she'll lose interest again, which would be rather sad.

When your own babe goes on to reproduce you'll "get it", I'm sure you will.

I think there's lots of reasons why a granny-to-be would be excited - some people are always excited about any new baby, specially if they are going to get to meet them and spend time with them. There's also a pride and feeling of achievement in the idea of your family carrying on into the future, and a feeling of "rightness" about passing on your genes and the chance to see how the little new person is like people you've already lost - "Ooh she's got my grandad's smile" etc.

I don't think you need to be worried what she'll be like once the baby arrives - you'll probably soon settle into things with her without it being a problem. I think the issues tend to come up more in families where they are in each others pockets all the time, and its harder to make new boundaries.

My mother has said that it is so amazing to see your children have children themselves, she absolutely adores mine, and from some of the things she's said, I think she loves them just as much if not more than me and my siblings.

I don't find it strange, which is probably why I also give my mil plenty of space to do her thing with the children, as I would hate to come between her and the children, much as she infuriates me at times

It is important for you to ensure that you lay some boundaries down so you don't feel too overwhelmed by your mother when the baby comes along. Don't sit and suffer in silence if you feel she is stepping on your toes. I always make it clear, without being rude, who the boss is when it comes to my children, so that I don't end up resenting my mother/mil.

I work with two lovely 70 years olds and they feel about their gc as they do about their own children. They are part of the family and someone else to love and care for and also worry about. My MIL and mum are the same. The thread on AIBU at the moment about a DIL not allowing her MIL to see her baby in the first week made me sad.

I'm sure my Mum and MIL were both more excited than me when I was pregnant and I was bloody excited.

Don't know where they got the energy from but I don't think it's strange.

Agree with Bruffin - not allowing MIL to see a new baby for a week is really odd and quite sad.

I also think that the older generation are generally more interested iyswim?

I am nearly 34wks with my second and have had lots of older ladies (65+) asking after the bump, and they seem genuinely interested. They then go onto tell me of their own children/grandchildren/great grandchildren.

My family are less interested in talking about the baby, but once it is here it will undoubtably(sp?) be taken off me when i visit, and only given back when we leave.

I have an ok relationship with my Mum, but she is without doubt a brilliant grandmother. I think that she saw her grandchildren as an opportunity to make amends for her failings as a mother. Perhaps that's how your Mum is feeling?

Having the grandparents involved can be really wonderful for everyone. You see your parents get a new lease of life and energy and it makes you feel proud that you've given them this little person for them to show off about to their friends!

Your baby gets someone else to be close to and loved by.

And you get someone to help when you need to pop to hairdressers or shopping. The best bit for me is the delight on my kids faces when I tell them their grandparents are coming to stay so me and H can go off for a night or weekend - they're delighted and hardly miss us at all, which means no guilt and we have a bit of peace!

Your relationship with your mother might become closer through the process of sharing the complete adoration of your baby - noone else tolerated the lengthy conversations about feeds/poos/sleep that my mother did!

Thanks everyone. You're all helping me work through things in my head.

I guess its the excitement bit I don't get. It was the thread about the DIL making MIL wait a week to see baby that got me thinking about all this. I didn't understand why people were so outraged. We'll probably have all the grandparents see our little one within the first few days, but what's the difference between seeing her on day 1, or seeing her on day 7?

I had a big long post but lovestowalk has said it all so well.

All 3 of my DGC arrived by CS so DDs were unable to drive or do heavy lifting for first 6 weeks and the assorted GPs were able to assist usefully, rather than just visit/be visited. We have continued to childmind 2 or 3 days a week and feel part of an extended family. For me it is partly to help my daughters and partly for the joy of seeing our beloved DGC grow and develop. Our youngest DGC (14 months) arrived this week beaming and running from me to DH with arms outstretched calling 'PaPa' and 'GaGa' and we were like this

A baby is different on day 7 than on day 1 - there is just something very distinctive about a newborn, they are never quite like that again. I don't know how many babies you've met that early, or seen pictures of? I had never really met tiny babies till I had my own, so I was just amazed how much he changed over the first few days. I know I would now feel slightly disappointed not to meet a new grandchild (when the time comes!) for 7 days just because they didn't want visitors that early, when before I had one I wouldn't have thought there was much of a difference between them from one day or week to another.

I totally understand the benefit of grandparents.
I think our baby is so lucky that all 4 are alive and I'm sure she'll get spoilt rotten.

Maybe I'm subconsiously feeling guilty that they're excited and I'm not.

AMumInScotland Intersting point. I've not had contact with newborns, so maybe thats why I don't get it.

I'm not planning on keeping people away, but if I'm feeling rubbish, I'll prioritise my need for rest and time with baby over their wanting to see us.

They really are different - sort of crumpled-looking and fluffy . You certainly need to prioritise your own needs - the trick with visitors is to have them round for a short time so they feel they've "met" the baby and had a good coo, but not so long that they're tiring you and making it difficult to get yourself sorted.

My Mum says she much prefers being a grandparent to being a parent (thanks Mum), I sort of understand what she means: all the fun and none of the nightfeeds/schoolruns, nits etc. Also some people are just nuts about babies, especially when there hasn't been one in the family for a while.

I have 15 grandchildren and it's lovely when another one comes along - they are all so unique in their little ways.

My ex MIL used to turn up unexpectedly in the days when it was towelling nappies. I was the only mum on the estate with green nappies She put them in the machine on a boil wash with a green jumper.
She wasn't a 'cuddling' gramda, though. She was hardly even maternal towards her own children.

I found it really hard to be excited about our first baby as I was so scared about what had to happen first to get the baby there! All that giving birth stuff!

When you're the one giving birth, there is so much uncertainty about what it will all be like. I would say I was more uncertain and anxious rather than excited about the baby.

My father said that having grandchildren was like having your own children again, but this time they are nicer to you, you have no responsibilty for their discipline so you can dish out chocolate when you feel like it instead of when they deserve is, you never have to say no to them (just "mummy wouldn't like that so we'd better not"), and when they're being little sods, you can say you have to go and see to your dogs.

What loves2walk said.

It's perfectly normal for GPs etc to feel more excited than you because they've just got the prospect of meeting their GC for the first time to look forward to. You, on the otherhand, will be worrying about the birth, bfing, recovering, etc, not to mention dealing with pregnancy hormones. But it will all slot into place when you finally do meet your baby.

For what it's worth, I think my mum is more excited about my first baby, due in 8 weeks, than I am. And yes, sometimes this does make me feel a bit guilty.
So, you're not alone

I do think it has got lots to do with:

• I have to actually give birth, whereas she just gets to cuddle the baby
• I have very little clear idea of what life will be like afterwards (except: different), whereas she a) has had that experience before, and b) won't be changing her life hardly at all.
• Maybe also some of this: It is her "baby" who is having a baby. So perhaps it's exciting for her just like any important experience (first day at school, graduation, marriage) would be. And perhaps you having a baby will make you more like her - a mum. A new base for a new kind of relationship, perhaps?

AMumInScotland - Good tip. My DH and I already have a plan if people outstay their welcome; I'll either go upstairs to BF or go off for a sleep and leave them cooing!

Jaques I think thats the bit I have to get my head around "some people are just nuts about babies" lol. I will try and liken it to my my love of puppies or watching England in the world cup!

colditz Love my dad to bits and he will be exactly like this!

Loves2Walk & chiccadee I think you're right, the worry of being s first time mum is getting in the way of the positives for me.
My life has already changed beyond recognition. I've given up work and feel like I'm waiting for my new life to start. Trying to prepare, but have no idea what for, so end up coming on mumsnet asking dumb questions about whether to buy sleepsuits with feet or not!

My kids are 4 and 2 and my mum loves them to bits. In fact she is concerned about "her" babies being looked after correctly when me and DH take them on holiday for the first time this summer .

oh and just to add that someone who has not made a particularly brilliant parent can sometimes make quite a good grandparent. (not referring to my mum)