After many years together, who has still got that 'spark'?

[dinosaurus]

For those who have been in a relationship for 15 years plus:

Have you still got that special 'spark'? If not: when did it disappear, what did you do about it, did you ever get it back? If you haven't got it back, have you accepted your relationship on different terms, or moved on? Is it unrealistic to expect a spark after many years, especially when a relationship is, for most of the time actually quite harmonious? Do you think your spark disapeared because one or other of you had changed?

Sorry to ask so many questions - in a bit of a pickle at the mo, and need other perspectives please!

Together for 19 ys, married 17.

Definitely more in love now than have ever been, we've always been very close and 'solid' but looking back there were definitely times when our relationship was better than others.

For us, the main issue in the past ha been time spent apart - we both travelled a lot for work and just did not see a whole lot of each other some years.

I think our relationship has always been a reflection of how we were in ourselves - when we were bored/dissatisfied at work, our relationship just ticked along. When we are happy and fulfilled, there is loads of fireworks.

How is everything else in your life going?

Been together 24 years, married for 18.

Over the years the spark has grown into a warming fire. It sparks and crackles as well which are times we cherrish.

As Mal says, it takes hard work. It also takes the desire from both partners for the relationship to grow and develop. We have been lucky that we grew up together rather than growing apart. We just have to hope that it lasts.

I totally agree with Malificence when she says she sees - "people, seemingly thrown into turmoil because they don't understand how hard child rearing and family life really is, almost ready to throw in the towel at the drop of the hat, when all that is happening is normal life, which can be an absolute bitch at times."

I've known my partner for about 19 years and the spark comes and goes. We've come very, very close to splitting a couple of times, had a brother/sister patch for about three years but for the last year or so, the relationship's been fantastic.

We're in a romantic phase and it's a bit like being in love again. We talk til 3 in the morning, (ahem, well not too much of that though as we need our sleep and are knackered because of young child etc). We gaze at each other, hold hands and sex is better and more exciting than it was at the beginning because we really know and trust each other. 19 years and getting older hasn't made it staid or boring. It's made it imaginative, passionate and uninhibited.

I know it won't stay at this intense level we're in at the moment and will again move into quieter/slower/more challenging/static phases and I love that too. A long relationship changes constantly if you let it and I don't have any expectations that we'll be together for another twenty. At the moment I'd like that but who knows what'll happen.

Like others here, what's made us stronger is that we've had a really god awful, crap six or seven years and survived it. We didn't split up but neither did we stay together out of fear of being alone. In a way the very difficult times have been a gift because it's meant we've really had to examine ourselves, our relationship and what we want. We've been able to remember that we respect, trust and love each other. I know from experience, it can be really easy to forget or let go of those things when life is difficult.

I'm not even in a relationship at the moment let alone a long term one, but this just struck a chord with me, dino:

"...did you ever feel that you had become more like friends than lovers?"

I wonder whether this is the key. If you still feel like you are friends, then you still have a connection on some level and can probably get the spark back. Whereas if you fall out of love with someone and also lose respect for them and don't want to even be in the same room as them any more, you're probably not going to get it back ever.

We have been together for 15 years and we still have a spark, but obviously it's different (but better) than when we first met. It hasn't always been constant though- babies and general ups and downs of life, however, we are very well suited and so pleased that we found each other. I am grateful for every day he is in my life and that he puts puts up with my temper!

i've been married just 3 years and with dh 8 years. this threasd is very reassuring and inspiring. congratulations all you ladies with happy and long marriages. i hope mine is too!

What do you mean by 'spark'?

I ask because we've been together 14 years (I know I'm one year away from qualifying!) and married 10, and although my God I wish we still shagged like we did in the first half-dozen years, there's still excitement to see each other, and I'd rather hang out with him than anyone else 99% of the time, and I'm never not pleased to see him, and I still think it's fun baking surprise treats for his packed lunches, and he still thinks it's fun to cut daft animal pictures out of the freesheets and give them to me, and we still hold hands in Sainsbury's.

T'other day I was waiting for the bus and saw him coming unexpectedly towards me, and my heart leapt, and we cuddled and held hands on the bus, despite it having been about 15 minutes since we'd last seen each other.

I suppose what I mean is loads of emphasis is placed on sexual spark (as I said, I only effing wish), but marriage is so much more than that, too.

Oh gosh I feel quite choked having typed that - it's made me realise that we are very happy, even if I do fully intend to track Alan Rickman* down for a filthy weekend in Margate

*I have a near-pathological older-man thing. Can't help it.

I've been married for just over 15 years now, gosh we looked so bloody young in our wedding photos!. Have had ups and downs but we've survived it all to date. Like lazurus also comments in her post we are also well suited to each other. We are indeed very fortunate to have found each other because I met him on a blind date as well.

I often tell my DH that he worships the very quicksand I walk on!.

Been together 30 years - married for 26 and yes the spark is still there. It dimmed a bit when the kids were younger cos nobody tells you what bloody hard work they are! But now they are teenagers and off doing their own thing we have more time to ourselves. Meals out, week-ends away all helps to make the spark glow again. It's like other posters have said, you have to work to make a marriage a success, and take the downs with the ups but hang in there and it comes back good again.

there's still excitement to see each other, and I'd rather hang out with him than anyone else 99% of the time, and I'm never not pleased to see him, and I still think it's fun baking surprise treats for his packed lunches, and he still thinks it's fun to cut daft animal pictures out of the freesheets and give them to me, and we still hold hands in Sainsbury's.

if all thats true the spark is GORN pour moi

but you do sound EXTREMELY loved up

We have been together for 14 1/2 years and dh has got better looking and more sexy as time has gone on.

Sex has never been the most important thing in our relationship, and 99% of the time we want it/don't want it at the same time, but as I have got older I have been much more keen to do it.

Cyb I guess we are, but there's always scope for my gently enquiring as to whether it's strictly necessary to fart with such gusto, and whether he would mind ever so much washing up so that there's not sufficient bits of food sticking to the plates to grow an entire colony of listeria, and so on. I'm quite realistic about him.

I always think of it as being like a line chart, where it goes up and down, up and down, but the overall trajectory is upwards. We do have phases of "Good GOD man you are annoying me! Get hence!", but a) I can actually say it with no malice meant or taken, and b) a week later we'll go on an expedition to see if the local lake has any interesting ducks on it and get terribly excited about having a sticky bun in the caff.

Which leads me to the main point, ie, that we are well-matched in the sense of being inordinately pleased with very little things, and I think we just sort of lucked out there.

We do stuff like hide chocolate bars and little notes in each others overnight bars if we're spending time apart.

DH must be bleeding myopic though, I always ask if he found my notes, then have to direct him to the shoe/pocket I hid it in

And picnics. Picnics, lunches and nice teashops in the Cotswolds are essential, essential I say.

Aww Headbanger, that is lovely I think I'd rather have that than a sexual spark... sex is nice but I guess it's one of those things that comes and goes and I'd rather be relaxed about it anyway.

Thank you so much for all of your posts.

I guess when I say 'spark' I don't just mean sexual, its just that absolute special feeling you get when you are emotionally connected to each other.

The underlying messages in most of your posts is that despite everything, you absolutely know this is the person you are meant to be with, thats the impression I get, and I admire you all for your fantastic attitude to your relationships.

My partner and I are suited in many ways, but, as I've got older (we met quite young) I think I've changed quite a bit - become more independent and just more aware of my ability to stand on my own two feet. I don't mean that in a feminist 'I can live without you' kind of way, but thats just how things are turning out. Strangely enough, we have survived through quite a few ups and downs - there have been times when we've struggled as a couple - but - we've always come through. I think whats upsetting at the moment, is that there is nothing in particular that has caused this. I'm very happy in my job, and he is too, and we don't have any financial problems or partiuclar stresses currently.

I think my worry is that if things carry on and on, we might get to resent each other or turn into one of those couples that just let things linger on. On the other hand, I am absolutely not the sort of person to make the decision easily that our relationship should finish.

The other thing I perhaps should add - over the years, there have been many times when I've felt a bit insecure or to be frank, jealous of certain women (I've always managed to keep this in check and over time, grew to trust my partner completely). I always reasoned that it was perfectly normal to feel like this, when you love someone and its something we all have to deal with. However, since our problems, I honestly don't get any feelings of jealously even slightly anymore - I think its partly because I'm just far more secure in myself - but I worry that it also to do with not looking at my partner in that way anymore ifyswim?

Dino - in haste, sorry! - I have never felt one iota of jealousy about my husband & other women, nor does he feel jealous of me & other men (and I have male friends who come and keep me company by staying over when my husband is on night shifts!). I don't think it's an indicator of emotional closeness (indeed I tend to get exasperated with people who are jealous of partners' friends/acquaintances: as if some painted trollop could understand one tiny fraction of my dear complicated funny infuriating fella!)

Disclaimer: I am myself a bit of a painted trollop .

My advice is always to grit your teeth and hang on - there have been times when I've gritted my teeth so hard I've had neuralgia. But it is almost always worth it. (And I understand the 'met young, then got older & changed' biz: we married at 20, and at the time I was a Biblical fundamentalist that was all at sea in a pub. My, but times have changed, thank the Spaghetti Monster).

GOOD LUCK.

DH and I are definitely together for life but that is more due to him being amazing than me being great to live with.

Can I just say how lovely this thread is As someone who has recently become a single mum and is feeling a bit down about love and coupledom and the chance of ever finding someone I really click with, I'm finding this very therapeutic... It makes me want to hang around for someone who's really right, even if that means waiting a good while; because once you have something amazing, it can take you through some terrible times and out the other side.

Good for you all. Relationships take work but the rewards are so great, and it's easy to lose sight of that sometimes and think it's nor worth the bother. So, thanks

Spark went when dd appeared from my vagina...he could barely conceal his distaste at all the mess. Ban men from delivery rooms I say! Most of them can't handle it.

Cheerful Vicky, you're right, but remember it's not really a matter of finding someone who's right - I'm not convinced there is a perfect person for everyone - but accepting the rough with the smooth.

I echo what mumblechum says, Vicky.

My relationship definitely isn't a perfect. He isn't perfect for me in every way and I'm not perfect for him. We're both flawed human beings like everyone else. We still make mistakes, argue, hurt each others feelings, bicker etc. We may be particuarly loved up at the moment but it's not like that all the time. We've too much else going on in life - like everyone here.

Your post reminded me of a quote. My partner made me a book which charts our relationship from his perspective. It was a wonderful and unexpected gift. Specially as I'm a cynical cow and don't do valentine's day.

One of the many beautiful things he put in was this quote below. It pretty much sums up how I feel about love and relationships after 19 years.

"Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being 'in love' which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this both an art and an fortunate accident...we had roots that grew towards each other underground and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found we were one tree and not two." (Louis de Berniere).

I love that quote! Will try to remember it.

Wow, I love that quote
I know what you mean; no one is totally right for us. It's just, I've been in the habit of being with ANYone, in any relationship, rather than being alone. I think what I really want is that happy accident when you meet someone and you - well, like them enough to get married! That's never happened to me, and I hope I don't settle for an abusive arse again even, if it means being single for a long while or the rest of my life.

I know that being jealous/or not jealous doesn't indicate how much you love someone, but as someone who (due to their own insecurities) has been jealous, and now its just all disappeared, I'm not sure what that means. I remember a few months ago that it suddenly dawned on me that the worst thing that could happen (in terms of a relationship) is that I could be on my own (and actually, thats not so bad after all!) I think it was just a change that happened to me, as changes do at all different times and although its liberating (and actually makes you feel even more secure) I feel that I've rather alienated my partner.

I think the brother/sister or friend thing is definitely a factor at the moment. I also obviously worry that I'm hurting my partner. Hes very astute and we've talked deeply about all this kind of stuff and, although hes hanging in there at the moment, it won't last forever.