Happy relationship but DP suddenly says he never wants to get married...

[TenaciousMe]

Need some good advice pleeease,

DP and I have been together for 4 years and have a DD aged 18 months. We own a home together.
I've always wanted to be married in my life. It's not that i disagree with unmarried people or anything like that, its just something that has always mattered for me. We've talked about getting married on a number of occasions over the years and he's always said that he intends to get married, but just doesn't feel ready yet, or that its not the right time etc.
I was perfectly happy being pregnant and unmarried, as i always thought it would all happen, and didnt really matter what order IYSWIM? When i was pregnant we discussed DD's name, and i agreed to solely give her his surname as he agreed that we would get married at some point and so all be the same family name.
Then a couple of nights ago, during a flippant conversation about some friends of ours, he said he didnt think he'd ever want another child or get married! we ended up having a reeeally long argument, where he admitted that he'd always felt that marriage was 'pointless' and 'old fashioned' and he was happy the way we were and didnt think he'd ever want to do it.
Now, the 2nd baby thing i can deal with. DD is only 18 months, so he may well change his mind, and i think i could live with it if he didnt, but the marriage thing has really thrown me!
He's a really great DP and we have no real problems with our relationship other than this issue. I love him so much and i know he loves me. He says he wants to be with me forever, but he just doesnt feel like he'll ever want to marry.
I'm finding it really hard to imagine a whole life where i never get married. I can't explain why but it really has always been really important to me that it would happen one day. Aside form the obvious girly stuff that i've always thought about our wedding day etc, I think there are some people that are perfectly happy never getting married, and some who it means a lot to.
So i dont know whether i should just accept it and stay with him, knowing that i'll never be married, or whether we should split up as we both want different things out of a relationship?
WWYD?

If he is prepared to allow you to be very unhappy about this and still refuses to marry you, he doesn't care enough about you IMO.

Marriage is very important to me. So important that I would never have contemplated having children unless I was married. I understand that to some people it is not important and that is fine, as long as they are both happy with the decision. Otherwise, as people have already said, if it is 'just a piece of paper', why not just do it if you know it would make your partner happy? he may not wish to 'prove' you are a proper. committed famly, but you clearly do and he has always known this. He clearly doesn't think it is important enough to prove to you how committed he is.

Would I break up a relationship over this? In the unlikely event that I would ever find myself in this position, yes I would.

I think you're behaving very sensibly. Who knows, he may even change his mind? (I know men who've done this as they mature) - but whether or not that happens you have to do what's best for your child - which means keeping her family together and safeguarding her future if the worst happens.

I don't understand your boyfriend, he is quite unlike any man I've ever known.
Most men, IF desiring of being with a woman for life, do not care either way if they marry her or not. Which given that most women desire marriage, usually means they'll get married!
I bet all those men who are in long-term relationships with children AREN'T married because their long-term love has no desire for it.
Marriage is something that women fret over, not men.
Men aren't as neurotic about marriage as women. They're attitude tends to be more simplistic, if they see a long-term future with a girlfriend, they have no objection to marriage.

marantha Fri 25-Jun-10 11:37:33
rubyrubyruby Marriage was invented as sociological aid for people so that they can declare to the world that they wished to be viewed as a long-term couple.

Long-term cohabitees have NOT made use of this aid therefore in the event of a split/death and so on, the authorities cannot (and SHOULD NOT IMO) assume anything other that they are just two people sharing a house.

In all fairness then, couples should still be paid benefits as if they were single should they not be married.

lunavix I would agree with that, but at the moment, it seems to me that the state will treat people "as married" when suits and "single" as suits.

But then, there are disadvantages to being married when it comes to social policy so I guess it's swings and roundabouts.

What marantha said at Sat 26-Jun-10 15:46:40

I must say though that if this is the only thing wrong in your relationship then you aren't doing too badly....and don't hand him all the power in the relationship; if he doesn't want to get married then say to him fine as long as you take legal steps to form a partnership that secures the child's and your interests. I really wouldn't chase him hard to change his mind as it will bring imbalance to the relationship and be a real turn off in the end.

I beg his pardon, I had read your OP wrongly. Not so bad if he did say it to you privately. He's still been stringing you along for years though. You keep hoping he'll get round to it and he keeps hoping you'll give up!

why are you defining your relationship by marriage. As long as you are legally exposed in terms of assets then why can't you say stuff it? Really, don't hand him so much power.

Tdiddy's right - by all means insist on clarigying the legal position but after that, dont talk about marriage ever again unless he brings the subject up: put it out of your mind as much as possible (this may be easy enough to do once you have your legal position secured). Because otherwise you;ve handed the bloke a terrific weapon to keep you in line with: all he's got to do is hint at the possibility of a proposal being imminent to make you indulge his whims, then hint that your behaviour has been inadequate so the proposal's back off the agenda.
Your bloke may not be quite this selfish and unscrupulous, but quite a lot of men do find that dangling a proposal above a woman;s head like a doggy treat is a great way to rule the roost.

...and if he turns out to be a dud then you will already have legal separation. Don't (over)rely on anyone else for validation.

"The truth is, i'm still really unhappy about this, and if i'm honest i know i will always hope he changes his mind. But at the moment the alternative is to be without him"

So he'd leave you rather than marry you?

How can he claim it's "not important" to him if he's prepared to lose the woman and child he says he loves rather than get married?

Why are you putting up with this bullshit?

I feel the same as skidoodly, just um, not quite as strongly. I guess I just don't really understand his point. If he loves and it's something you want, then why won't he do it since he apparently doesn't care all that much? It's a bit IMO.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, and I'm happy for you and your DD that he's a loving boyfriend and father. It just seems the tiniest bit not on to me.

I disagree with people who say he really doesn't love you. My DP of 13 years (and 2 kids) doesn't want to get married. He is fundamentally against the institution and feels that it would be hypocritical to marry me when he is against it. We have tied up as many of the technical issues (mortgage, life ins, wills etc) and if we ever got to a point of one us losing the family house in old age then we might get married - not an issue at the moment as we don't have the assets). I would like to get married but I have to respect his principles - someone has to give and I am not about to break up a relationship with the love of my life, and my kids home because of it (have been through parental divorce myself). Yes, maybe he could be the one to give in to me but equally why should I not give into him. If he ever did change his mind for me those vows would sound hollow to me.

Thanks Brambly, It's good to hear it can work out well!
Thanks everyone for your opinions. if nothing else, at least i know that i'm not completely unreasonable to feel sad about it, but there are maybe other options than splitting.
I think with this one i just have to see how we get on. If i'm honest i still don't know how things will go long term, but all i know is i'm not ready to give up on us yet over this issue.