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Relationships

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Original poster

Happy relationship but DP suddenly says he never wants to get married...

64 replies

TenaciousMe · 24/06/2010 14:08

Need some good advice pleeease,

DP and I have been together for 4 years and have a DD aged 18 months. We own a home together.
I've always wanted to be married in my life. It's not that i disagree with unmarried people or anything like that, its just something that has always mattered for me. We've talked about getting married on a number of occasions over the years and he's always said that he intends to get married, but just doesn't feel ready yet, or that its not the right time etc.
I was perfectly happy being pregnant and unmarried, as i always thought it would all happen, and didnt really matter what order IYSWIM? When i was pregnant we discussed DD's name, and i agreed to solely give her his surname as he agreed that we would get married at some point and so all be the same family name.
Then a couple of nights ago, during a flippant conversation about some friends of ours, he said he didnt think he'd ever want another child or get married! we ended up having a reeeally long argument, where he admitted that he'd always felt that marriage was 'pointless' and 'old fashioned' and he was happy the way we were and didnt think he'd ever want to do it.
Now, the 2nd baby thing i can deal with. DD is only 18 months, so he may well change his mind, and i think i could live with it if he didnt, but the marriage thing has really thrown me!
He's a really great DP and we have no real problems with our relationship other than this issue. I love him so much and i know he loves me. He says he wants to be with me forever, but he just doesnt feel like he'll ever want to marry.
I'm finding it really hard to imagine a whole life where i never get married. I can't explain why but it really has always been really important to me that it would happen one day. Aside form the obvious girly stuff that i've always thought about our wedding day etc, I think there are some people that are perfectly happy never getting married, and some who it means a lot to.
So i dont know whether i should just accept it and stay with him, knowing that i'll never be married, or whether we should split up as we both want different things out of a relationship?
WWYD?

OP posts:

rubyrubyruby · 25/06/2010 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder · 25/06/2010 12:07

I am not married and dp wanted to.It is not something I believe in at all and we have all the legal stuff in place re finances etc.Have been together 20 yrs now and have seen many friends relationships fall by the wayside over that time married and unmarried.I used to think if dp really pushed or felt so strongly i would do it but he accepted my views.Now 20 yrs on I wouldn't get married full stop.If it really matters to you you need to talk to him seriously about why and what it means to you x

expatinscotland · 25/06/2010 12:09

I do agree with marantha.

If you don't want to marry, fair enough, but don't put your financial life and safety at risk. That is just foolery, IMO.

noddyholder · 25/06/2010 12:09

BTW my 'partner' looked after me through 2 transplants and cancer surgery whereas my married friend in similar circumstances was left high and dry by her husband when the going got tough with her health

marantha · 25/06/2010 13:00

Sorry, rubyrubyruby marriage is a legal arrangement. Romance does not have to come into it.

marantha · 25/06/2010 13:04

noddyholder I am not saying that cohabitees are not devoted to one each other, but, unless they make some kind of arrangements among themselves, legally, they're just two people living under the same roof.

Why is this difficult to understand?
Why do cohabitees always take offence when this is pointed out to them?

marantha · 25/06/2010 13:05

All I've done is said that marriage is not legally the same as cohabitation and it's wrong to lump them together as if they're one and the same, that's all.

rubyrubyruby · 25/06/2010 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyPeterWimsey · 25/06/2010 13:12

You must out the 'legally', ruby - I think that makes a difference to what maranatha is saying!

marantha · 25/06/2010 13:14

Maybe, but what's the alternative? Make every cohabitee de facto married? Legally impose a marriage-like status on them whether they like it or not?!
How illiberal would that be?!

virgomummy · 25/06/2010 13:17

But wasn't marantha saying that's how the law sees them, not her personal opinion?

wannaBe · 25/06/2010 13:19

Marriage is a statement though isn't it? It says:

"I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

And it says it to the world.

And IMO not wanting to make that statement is a statement in itself - it says "I don't want to commit to loving you and spending the rest of my life with you."

Deciding that you're not bothered about getting married is one thing. Lots of people decide that and live happily together.

But there is a difference between that and deciding that you don't want to get married even if your partner does. That says more than that you're not bothered about marriage - it says that you don't want to be married to someone.

I wouldn't stay with someone who didn't want to make that commitment to me.

I think it says a lot about the way they feel - even if it's subsonscious.

I wouldn't emotionally blackmail them - "marry me or else," but I would put it in the way that "it's obvious that you don't feel the same about me as I do about you and that you don't want to see this as a long-term relationship, therefore I cannot see us having a future."

rubyrubyruby · 25/06/2010 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marantha · 25/06/2010 13:22

My personal opinion is that cohabitees can be every bit as devoted as married people.
I am fully aware that there are married people who don't care about each other- my ex hubby didn't care much for me!

But that's not my point. All I'm saying is that unless a couple get married, legally they're unrelated to one another simply because the law can't enforce marriage upon people purely because they're living together (and quite right, too! When a youngster, I lived with a few blokes. I'd have hated to be deemed to be legally tied to them!) that's all.

LadyPeterWimsey · 25/06/2010 13:33

I think if people understood that marriage was a legal statement you are making about your future intentions with regard to financial and medical decisions, it would shed light on their real feelings about their relationship.

Some would think, 'Oh, I really want this person to be the one who makes decisions on my behalf and who inherits my money. I've been holding off getting married because it seemed old-fashioned, expensive and unnecessary because my partner knows that I love them and want to be with them forever. But let's get married and make how we do it (registry office/church, big party/go down the pub) into a separate issue.'

Others would think, 'Actually, deep down I don't see myself being with this person forever and therefore don't want to tie my financial affairs to theirs. Therefore I don't want to get married.'

And I agree with maranatha - I don't want anybody to interpret my living under the same roof/ having sex with someone as determining my wishes about any financial and medical issues that may arise in the future.

marantha · 25/06/2010 13:47

LadyPeterWimsey Absolutely, that's why it is wise to at least consider marriage before having children.

But it's too late now. Society has let the cat out the bag.

SolidGoldBrass · 25/06/2010 21:48

Marriage is a legal matter and always has been - it was originally about keeping land/property in certain families and conferring ownership of women (and any children they bear) from one man to another.

Many people dislike marriage and won't marry because they find something unsavoury in the whole ownership business - when I was a student in the 80s I and many friends of mine were determined never to marry purely because the law then meant that to marry meant you were agreeing that it was ok to be raped.

However, if you have DC with someone and one or both partners is not keen on marriage, it is important to sort out your legal position. All the legal stuff can be put in place without marrying, it's a bit of a fannyaround, but if the principle of rejecting marriage is important to at least one partner, then that partner's feelings are as valid as those of the partner who wants a big woofy wedding, surely.

DilysPrice · 25/06/2010 21:54

If you love him and have a child and a house together then it would be madness to break up over this.

But if you don't get married you absolutely have to get the paperwork sorted out - that is not optional.

marantha · 26/06/2010 07:34

I'd like to see civil partnerships introduced for heterosexual couples.

If it were made clear to people that these civil partnerships had nothing to do with romance, huge weddings, the ability to rape anyone (which I think was done away with in the 1990's) and was just a financial/legal matter, then I think a lot of upset would be avoided.

Ladyscratt · 26/06/2010 08:23

I don't see what the big deal is about getting married for him, is not like you have asked him to cut his nuts off for gods sake. He is just having his cake and eating it really.

He is not being fair on you and taking your feelings into consideration. And to say that to friends in front of you is just inconsiderate and hurtful.

You need to point out that this is a major issue for you and that the whole relationship should be questioned if he feels that he cannot marry you, why not for heavans sake!! you have a child together.

I am sorry but I would not have this, it is your life too. If you love someone that much you would only be happy to comit to them for life without question.

lifeissweet · 26/06/2010 08:44

I had an argument on holiday with a friend about 10 years ago on this subject. She was not in a relationship, but had been proclaiming for several years that she would never get married.

I asked her about it and she had no logical reason for her standpoint. I can completely understand people who disagree with marriage on the grounds of principle...etc, but she had no such views. She had simply decided that marriage was unimportant.

We argued because I said that she was, in effect, making a decision for somebody else. Someone she may later fall in love with and get into a serious relationship with. I asked her whether, if she loved and wanted to be with someone and they wanted to marry, she would refuse based on her insubstantial objections. She was stubborn and point blank refused to see what I was saying.

Of course, that is exactly what happened. She is married [really need a smug emoticon]

If marriage is unimportant to him, that is really no reason to not do it. If it's unimportant then it's no big deal to do it then is it?

Anniegetyourgun · 26/06/2010 08:44

If the OP's OH had always declared he did not believe in marriage, then she would perhaps be on dubious moral grounds to pressure him. He'd be quite entitled to stick to his guns. But he's been stringing her along for years saying he will get married, does want to when the time is right, give their child his surname in anticipation etc, and now he's gone back on it - in rather a throwaway fashion too. He didn't sit down with his partner and explain why he had changed his mind. He told friends in front of her - the first inkling she'd had that he had "always felt that marriage was 'pointless' and 'old fashioned'". That's a different kettle of fish entirely.

Mind you, I don't want to insult the OP by suggesting she's one of these, but some women put their fingers in their ears and go "la la la" when their partner tells them quite clearly he never intends to marry them. They hear everything they want to hear but somehow the word "not" doesn't come through. Er, I could be perpetuating a myth here as I can't think offhand of anyone I've known personally who's done that, at least not about marriage. Plenty of cases of lower level selective hearing. Most of us have no doubt had the conversation with children where "I don't know, we'll see" somehow translates into "You promised!" - and it's by no means only children...

gina82 · 26/06/2010 10:14

My husband always says if people think marriage is just a piece of paper why do they not just do it then if the other wants to? because they knows its not and he thinks if the man doesnt want to get married then he just doesnt love you enough.

I think it must have a grain of truth cause when I think of all the couples I have known that have cohabited for years then the man has left and got married to someone else really quickly. I think when its right, its right

marantha · 26/06/2010 10:37

gina82 Exactly. If it IS just a "piece of paper" why not just get married to make other person happy (if that is what the other person wants. Obviously, if both partners neutral about marriage this doesn't apply)?

Original poster

TenaciousMe · 26/06/2010 11:25

Hi everyone, well i had a few days away from him to think about what i wanted to do, and came back last night to talk things through with him.

I know that as things stand, I just cant break up with him over this. We have a happy life together, he's a great boyfriend (sorry i hate the term partner really!) and a fantastic father. I have no doubt that he loves me enough and feels the same for me as i do for him, honestly. Thats not an issue between us at all. He just says that he doesnt't think it's important, that we're already a proper family and he doesnt wish to get married in order to 'prove it'. I obviously disagree with this, but at the end of the day i've had to decide whether me having a wedding day, and being married means more to me than my keeping my daughter in a happy home with a mum and dad that love each other.

I have, however told him that i want us to make wills together asap, and i want us to sign a cohabitation agreement written up by our solicitor. I agree that this is really important as we do own a few properties between us and some savings.

Just to clarify as well. he didnt say this in front of our friends. he said it to me, during a conversation we were having about some friends of ours. If he had just announced that in front of friends of ours i would have killed him!!!

The truth is, i'm still really unhappy about this, and if i'm honest i know i will always hope he changes his mind. But at the moment the alternative is to be without him, and to take dd away from him, and tbh neither of those choices bears thinking about when he's a good man who loves us and treats us well.

For what it's worth, if we get to it and he refuses to sign a cohabitation agreement, he's gone!

OP posts:

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