Dreading the day when my brother comes over...

[Mrsbubblebum]

So i just need to moan i think...

My brother dropped out of uni again. He basically just can't be arsed to study, he says it's too hard and he doesn't like it there. He was studying chemistry and he is more then able to finish it. He is so smart sometimes it makes me angry

So he has no job, my parent are fed up with sending him money every month and now he is coming over to stay with us.

I have a three year old daughter, we moved into this house about 9months ago, and it's finally feeling like home. We're settled and happy.

My brother is planing to come over get a job after few months find a room to rent somewhere else. And in a years time find another uni to apply to.
Sounds great but i'm afraid it won't work out so well...
Last summer he was working for my dad and he was lazy, he wasn't doing any work just lying on the sofa playing games. He had a chance to work and save a lot of money but he was simply too lazy...
I'm scared that he won't find a job soon, that he will stay with us for ages and drive me crazy...

Every-time i'm asking how's the job hunt and everything else he just doesn't give me an answer... Completely ignores my questions...

We have enough on our hands as i is i don't want another family drama, i wish i could say no to him, but i can't he is my brother....

Work out what your rules are and make it clear to him that he must follow them, better still get your DH to do it. My half brother came to stay with us in a similar situation and in the end we had to ask him to leave. Be clear on what he is and isn't expected to do. Mine didn't even say thank you for providing him with endless food, lending him cash, tidying up after him etc. Nor did he offer to babysit or wash the dishes.

That was my plan, i think i'll get my DH to talk to him. Then he'll know that he's not at our parents house any-more, and can't act like a teenager...

I just don't want this to ruin our relationship but i have a feeling it will...

Mrs B,

When is this person ever going to stand on his own two feet?. You aren't responsible for him.

You can say no to your Brother and actually should be saying no to him staying at your house. His prescence will disrupt your home life to its detriment. He's just taking advantage of your good nature and thinks you're a soft touch.

Would also think your DH is not at all happy either at having your brother coming to stay.

At the very least if DB does arrive you both need to establish with him firm ground rules before he gets there. I would strongly advise you not to have him live with you at all under any circumstances. Also you need a leaving date - no leaving date means no staying at your house. If you are not careful he will still be in your home in three years time. That scenario is not beyond the realms of possibility here.

Your parents should also stop sending him money too; this also enables such freeloaders to carry on. Your brother is not looking for a job hence his evasiveness. He's not interested in working.

Enabling people like your brother does them no favours as your Dad discovered when your brother went to work for him. Don't you enable him either; it will just give you a false sense of control and it certainly won't help him be more of an adult. It sounds like he's always been indulged by one or both parents and this is the net result.

Mrs B

Your brother's actions have already damaged your sister/brother relationship. He should not expect to doss down in your house for no rent (he won't pay you any rent as he won't be working). Very selfish of him to ask you to put him up. You should not entertain the idea ideally.

The situation that HousewifeofOrangeCounty describes could well happen to you and you will be his unapid skivvies (as are my ILs to my BIL).

The THREE of you, not just your DH, should have full and frank discussions about what is expected of each other with your brother before he gets his feet under the table in your home. He's your brother and you need to talk to him as well, do not just leave this to your H. Your brother also needs to give you a leaving date - if you do not have this before he arrives do not let him into your home at all. No, no, no.

What you are saying AttilaTheMeerkat is true...

My DH isn't very happy that my brother is coming but he thinks that you always should help your family...

That's the thing i CAN'T say no... I don't know why but i couldn't do that...

Leaving date is a very good idea thank you.

Oh i'm so nervous he hasn't even told us when is he coming over, just some time soon...

I know he's an lazy arse, i eas just hoping that he'll have enough respect for me and my family to not take a piss...

I am being stupid aren't i?

I should have said no when he first asked...

I think the nice weekend will be dedicated to this family issue...

Mrs B

I speak from experioence here; watching my BIL act around my ILs like your Brother plans on doing has done none of them any favours at all. Infact it has made my MIL ill but she also brought this uypon herself. None of those three emerge with an credit whatseoever.

I tell you now he will not respect you enough not to take the michael. This is why you both need to have firm plans of behaviour (a contract if you will) put in place before he arrives. You all need to know what is expected of each other; if that does not happen then the whole enterprise is doomed with only one winner here - your brother.

Your DH needs to realise that although it is good indeed to help family, the "help" that you are providing to your Brother is the wrong sort, it will drive a wedge between you and it certainly won't help your Brother become more of an adult. Your Dad has tried to help him and your B has thrown it all back in his face. It will nto be any different with yourselves, why should it be when everyone around him has made him King?.

Your brother sounds like a spoilt and immature manchild. It is actually better that he now finds his own two feet to stand on rather than someone else (you two this time rather than your Dad) doing the enabling. You are not the Bank of Sister there to bail him out.

You say he is staying with you, but for how long?

So ask him. "How long do you think you'll be staying?"

If he says "don't know" say "sorry. what d'you mean?" Get a date out of him. He'll need to pay for food etc.

If he asks to borrow money off you just laugh and say "no way".

Just start off like that.

you need a fixed length of time on this and houserules, and I'd include "no overnight guests", "there are 3 adults in this house, you do 1/3 of the housework", and "you are up and dressed by 8:30am every day, even if you haven't got work - only exception is if you have shift work".

And I'd say free rent is in exchange for 1 weekend and 1 week night babysitting each week (you and DH might at least get out to dinner a few times to make up for this)

Oh and every day make sure DH asks him how the job hunt is going and do helpful things like offer to proof read any CV cover letters he's writing etc.

I need to be firm. I'll talk to my DH when he comes home from work tonight and we'll put our house rules together.

I need to make him understand that this is definitely not going to be a holiday...
I need to convince myself that i'm not being a bitch, and he's not my responsibility he has to get of his arse one day and sort his life out...
Sometimes i hate having a big family...

How old is he? How old are you?

I'm 25 he's 22

just to add, if you want to focus his mind about moving out, I'd be encouraging DD to "go see if uncle XXX wants to play" at ungodly hours of the morning...

Hmm.

Well, are you paying rent then? If so he should pay 1/3rd or whatever.

You're a bit young to be baling out your brother.

Did you also go to Uni? So do you have debts? Or did you not go in which case he's chucked away a decent opportunity.

Either way if he wants to stay with you it should be more like a lodger than someone on the cadge. Just be clear we can't afford to put you up/pay for food/calls etc.

Just for clarity im a 45 year old guy. Had some experience with air-head in-laws/relatives. Really the longer you tolerate them fing about the worse it gets in the end.

I didn't go to uni nor my sister cos my parents and grandparents wanted to support our brother not us...
I am pissed off that he threw away everyone's money cos he's lazy.
And even me and my sister didn't get the opportunity he had we done it all of our own back and had to work much harder then he ever did...

I can feel that this is going to get ugly...

Right, well, look...just be honest.

You don't have to assail him the minute he walks through the door but within the first 24 hours you need to say stuff like "I'd like a contribution to the rent and food as I cant afford to pay for you...times are tight..." etc etc.

Stay calm, be clear.

There is some resentment there, fairly obvious (did you get good enough exams to go to Uni?), but one of the things about behaving like your brother is that you give other people grounds to resent you.

It's a bad place to be (for your brother) and you are only doing him a favour by being honest.

Sorry had to run off to grab the boy.

My bro-in-law, sweet guy, but has a drink/attitude problem mainly due to the actions of his parents in the past.

He is 32. He borrowed £1000 off Mrs Fonz some years back, when I say borrowed i mean, had. He also borrowed a suit off me, never saw it again. He borrowed a mobile phone off me which did come back, but without the back on it.

I won't lend him 50p again. He just jacked in his £42k/yr job in, without anything to go to complaining about his boss. Like who has a job with a good boss? He could easily have been sacked, spending half his time on twitter.

Now, I really like the guy, going to Ibiza with him in September, but behaving like he does just gives me grounds to think at him.

At the heart of his behaviour is his parents and the things they did when he was young. I don't know if you can look a little deeper and see why your brother is the way he is.

Sometimes it's not just being spoilt (Christ I could tell you about my two elder half sisters, would make your blood boil) but instead it's about a fear of failing. Ie: if you give up as it's all shit then you get rid of the stress of trying and failing/not being as good as you wanted.

Hi Mrs B

Re this comment made by CoolFonz:-

"Had some experience with air-head in-laws/relatives. Really the longer you tolerate them fing about the worse it gets in the end".

I would agree with this comment. These people like your lazy ass brother can have a massive sense of entitlement to boot and I don't think for one minute your brother will pull his weight; he'll be more like a dead weight in your home.

Who actually decided he was going to move in with you all?.

I thought your Brother was favoured by one or both parents hence my earlier comment. You don't have to - and actually should not be enabling your 22 yr old brother. No.

My BIL is a lot older than yours and is residing at home for various reasons not least of all the various screw ups he has made with his life. He blames everyone else but himself for his problems. Do not make the mistakes they made - and btw continue to make. They did not have any discussions whatsoever, he was welcomed home like the prodigal son to their cost and boy are they paying now!.

Ground rules and a contract re behaviour MUST be drawn up and agreed by the three of you long before he enters your home (if you decide to let him in, I would still urge you not to take him in). Once he has his feet under the table its too damn late!.

Coolfonz, the whole uni thing i don't really mind, i don't like to ask for financial help from anyone especially from my family and i'm doing pretty well with what i worked for.
I am angry that he doesn't appreciate what he gets from everyone around him. He is the favourite and all that but that's why i moved away from my family and i'm very happy the way everything is now.

I'm going to write down all the 'House rules' tonight with my DH and let him know.
We are going to set a leaving date and all that...

Attila me and my DH decided that he can come over.

Just found out that he's coming on the 2of July. A week!!!

I'm just hoping to manage to stay calm and strong

Ask him how long he intends to stay before he comes over. Tell him you'll need a contribution to the rent and food as well, before he comes over...

Mrs B

You will need to be strong and you may yet rue the day you said yes to him being in your home. You do not have to enable your brother, he is responsible for his own life.

You may well go onto regret having him there at all so you must make ground rules NOW, and not when he arrives on July 2. Helping family members is one thing but this is really the type of help he does not really need at all.

I would ask your Brother straight out what he expects to do in your home. If he does not agree to sit down with you two NOW to discuss roles and what is expected from each other in terms of behaviour tell him the whole deal is off because it just won't work.

I feel he is taking advantage of you, he probably sees you as a soft touch. He has also not set a leaving date either and that to me is a bad sign.

He said until he saves up some money and can rent somewhere else...

I told him about the food and everything, said that i'm not going to charge him rent until he finds a job.

Going to get my DH to speak to him as well he's very rational and doesn't get emotional unlike me

Atilla you are so right. I wish i would've made an excuse before it was too late.
What about leaving date 3months? More?

What they said. And be ready to throw him out, bodily if necessary. There is no incentive at all for a spoilt prince to start behaving like a responsible adult overnight. If you do care about your brother (you sound exasperated but also concerned) you'll need to be firm for his sake as well as your own. And you don't need anyone else to tell you that your own family unit, particularly your own child, comes first - always.

It's not too late to develop a life threatening illness that will prevent his visit, or less drastically, to redecorate the spare room v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y! The latter could even be true if you make it so

Hmm, he's going to save up some money to rent somewhere else - with what income?