Well, I think "amicable" just went out of the window....

[pleasereassure]

I had high hopes that all would be well.

Took DC round to H's caravan tonight. He had changed plans of coming to my house (then I had booked a babysitter so that we could discuss things amicably elsewhere) under the pretext of having a barbeque with the children. I had forgotten about the Football and the beer that he obviously wanted to drink.

I was wary about going on my own and told him this; I mean, what would we chat about politely?

We got to the caravan and he has proud pictures of his GF's daughter all around the caravan. He has known the GF and her daughter for six weeks. The DC didn't take too much notice.

When trying to sort out his contact with the children, he couldn't work it out. He had been drinking when we got there and worked his way through four cans in the 1.5 hours we were there. He then proceeded to tell me that he wanted half the equity in our house as he needed to BUY A HOUSE FOR GF, DAUGHTER AND HIM to live in. And he couldn't do that on any less than half.

He has known GF for six weeks. It is bananas. I am at a loss, tired, and emotionally drained with his fuckwittery. He announced all of this with his cocky, uber confident smirk that he has adopted since the morning I called the Police on him.

And there's me, refusing to go for spousal maintenance because I didn't think it fair...

Oh dear

Well, anybody who believed they could deal reasonably with a nutter like that would have to be insane!

Which makes you ... sane.
And his girlfriend ... tragically deluded, at best.

Grace, what is going on? I feel like I'm losing my mind?

My children are beside themselves with grief, after being told so abruptly that Dad is not coming home. Oh, and that not only is he not coming home, he's got another ready-made family of six weeks waiting for him. OH, and he would like your house to provide for them, thank you please.

The thing is, I don't feel sane! I feel like I'm losing the plot. I cannot cope with these mind games. He seems to not care about his path of destruction. How can that be?

Honestly, restrict contact with this knob to what is strictly necessary, and make sure you get good legal advice of your own. Get whatever maintenance the law suggests - if you don't actually need it, bank it and use it either for emergencies or to take the DC to Disneyland or something. But don;t waste time or effort trying to be 'friends' with someone who is either nuts or has no respect for you.

Well it sounds like he has a major drinking issue for a start.

I'd go for spousal maintenance. He's clearly under the influence of something and he isn't being sane

Sorry you're going through this - sounds grim

Why, why, why would he not just be reasonable. We have moved back from Australia only six months ago. Another house move would destroy the children.

I work school hours. I drop the children off at school and pick them up on the way home from work. It's then activities, feeding, bath, bed, packed lunches, iron uniforms etc etc. I am always moving. There is no alternative.

He is there in his caravan. He gets to play music loudly. Entertain GF. Drink lots of beer. If he had a wi-fi connection he wold be playing computer games. He has no responsibity.

Every time he has come to see DC he has been drinking. Everytime I have questioned this (as he is driving) but each time I have been poo-pooed.

NO MORE!

Oops, X-post. I'm so sorry for your DC, he is being incredibly cruel to them. Please tell them that it's nothing they did wrong, that some people are just not very good at being daddies and that you (and the DC) can't really help Daddy be a better daddy but that you love them and so do their grandparents/aunties etc.

SGB, you were very, very clear on my other threads and you speak wisely. However, I don't feel that the solicitor I have been seeing has been fighting my corner...too much of "Well, this is what the court will probably decide"...I fully agree with you, hence my absolute reluctance to see him tonight.

Thank LadyB.

There's something else that I desperately need advice on with this, but think I'll do a quick namechane as it's even more delicate. Blimey, it just gets more horrific.

X post again SGB. I have sobbed my heart out tonight. DS1 said, very wisely, that it was nothing thst I should feel sorry for, that it was Daddy's bad choice.

AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

If your solicitor's a knob, it'sworth getting another one, who is an expert in family law - I think you can get free consultations with different solicitors to see who suits you.

Blimey. Just seen the time. Must go to bed. Will check in again in the morning.

SGB - thanks. Am on the case.

Good. Step away from the mad people.

You do NOT have to understand him any more. Hurrah! He lives in a peculiar fantasy world where, no doubt, he's a star of stage, screen and sports field. Not a hopeless, brain-fogged drunk in a caravan, relying on his (ex) wife to fund his next production

Obviously he can't be reasonable! Nothing about him is reasonable, is it? I'm truly sorry you're going through this but keep writing it down - you can read your posts back in a quiet moment (when you get one?) and see just how completely lunatic this is.

You are not dealing with a sane, rational human being here. Leave him to it. Try to communicate with him only via your solicitor. Don't speak to him - if there's anything urgent, send a short, factual email. Don't let him have the children unless you would normally entrust them to a drunk.

I think you need to re-centre yourself on you, your DCs and your life. Could you gather any friends around you; have some lovely family barbecues and some girly nights in/out on the weekends? Get on with a real, proper life (at last)

Grace, thank you. You are right. It is just so hard when DC adore their father.

I am new to the area, but the jungle drums must have been beating as some lovely mums from school turned up late last night to see how I was. The neighbour also dropped by too, so I do feel supported.

I just can't get over how much he's drinking whilst on his Prozac. I think I need a new solicitor as mine does not seem to be fighting my corner at all.

Up at 4.30am, with that horrible tired head that you get from too much crying.

It just makes the past 12 years feel like a waste of time. And I'm finding it hard to see an end to all of this. Can I really just not talk to him?

I haven't even a clue if my legal aid covers my solicitor fees or if there's a shortfall. Must get different advice as I don't feel that I'm on the ball enough.

Had some good advice to get in touch with the DV unit, who logged the nature of my call to the Police initially. (SGB also suggested it on another thread).

I am up - you feeling any better?

I am no expert on this but if your H is drunk and taking anti depressants (are you supposed to drink at the same time?) then I would n't think he is in a fit state to take care of kids. Surely your solicitor can use this fact to limit access or at least only have it supervised.

Also I did n't think you could be made to sell the maritial home until your children reached a certain age - are they still under 16?

I second going to get another legal opinion. can you get a recommendation for one from someone? Maybe the local board on here or from netmums.com for your local board?

Thanks stressed. I know I can stay in the marital home but he was also gloating last night about how he will share in will share in it's price rise...we bought it as a renovation project and therefore needs updating.

When H left, I had water pouring through the celing due to a burst pipe in the bathroomm. The police that attended the house asked him to fix it but he didn't. I have had to take another loan of my mum to get the bathroom all mended. He is rubbing his hands with glee at this, with cash registers in his eyes.

We have a joint loan to my parents for £20,000. He has not contributed to this, nor the family since leaving. He is focused solely on himself right now, and his prospective life with his new GF of six weeks.

A friend was also saying about supervised access. I think that's way it will have to be. It is just not safe.

God, ignore the typos. So tired.

I know you have children but you also have to focus on looking after yourself. You are probably stressed and tired. Be kind to yourself. Your chidren need their mum in tip top form so make sure you are eating wellish, trying to get rest (I know it must is difficult when you have things on your mind and maybe a bit of exerciose even if it is a short walk.

Please find a good solicitor. Logic suggests (although this may not be the legal position) that if all that is agreed is you stay in the home and then do improvements (for which I woud include repairs for things that have just worn out) then he should not benefit in that bit of the uplift in the price if you solely pay for it. So say you spend £10k in for example adding a room I would have thought when the house is eventually sold the proportions you each have split would be altered by this amount so you get back any improvements you have made to the hosue that he has had nothing to do with or contributed towards but a solicitor would be able to tell you the correct position or maybe someone on here can. Maybe post this question on money matters board on here?

If this is so and in the meantime start keeping a precise list (with evidence such as recipts/bank statements ) of all this sort of money you are spending so that eventually when the house is sold you have proof of all this spend.

Stressed, I'm worried that I'm passing on my upset to the children. I can't stop weeping.

DS1 wrote me a lovely note last night about our family changing. I wept with him and apologised for the changes.

I need to pull myself together. I know that H will not even be giving our meet-up last night a second thought, or will have gone running back to his family who will have patted him on the back saying "Good job son, that's her told". He will be feeling so proud of himself. Which makes me feel so ashamed.

I am not great at advice (there is a reason I chose my name!) and I am sure someone will be along with better advice soon. However I can see form your post that you have NOTHING to be ashamed about. if your H is behaving like an arse then he is the one that should be embarassed and not you. You are doing the right thing by trying to protect you and your children and looking forward. Don't spare a thought on what he is thinking -wwasted negative energy - channel it instead into moving you and your children's lives forward.

Your H talking like this about GF is quite typical I feel. Many (not all though) men are delusional about the real world. Men like this don't really add much to our lives and truly I believe you will realise in time that this man has been a hindrance to you and that you will do a lot better on your own.

Though it is sad when there is a break up on reflection when you get more on course you will realise he has done you a favour.

Don't "apologise" to your children - it is not your fault. Just explain that you are sad, reiterate how much you love them and that fact that it will all be alright.

Thanks stressed. Right, must go and make packed lunches for school. I really appreciate your support.

Pleasereassure.. repeat this mantra.. again and again.. My children will be ok as long as I am ok.. and they will you know.

Kids are incredibly hardy and flexible. You do not need to apologise to your children, you need to make them feel secure. Your ex is a twat and this is the beggining of a long process of redefining your relationship with him. My ex was exactly the same.. it was all about revenge and cash and a constant changing of goalposts and innapropriate behaviour.

You have to remind yourself of the good things, you are no longer with him HOORAY!!!! and try and spend some time each day reflecting on how eventually things will be much better.

Get rid of your crap solicitor immediately, get a good one. Seriously you need to feel confident and secure and they fucking get paid enough!!

Feel sorry for the new GF, really feel sorry for her and her children.

Today, put on your favourite outfit and go and buy a nice coffee in town and treat yourself to the fact that you have done the hardest part.. It will get easier.

Thanks Devendra. I can't see the wood for the trees this morning. I keep telling myself that my focus should be just me and the DC but I find myself worrying over what his next move will be. I feel very insecure.

Yes, need to find solicitor who I can trust to simply handle it all on my behalf.

Be strong. He sounds like a total twat and his world will come crashing down. Get a better solictor to fight your corner.