Well, I think "amicable" just went out of the window....

[pleasereassure]

I had high hopes that all would be well.

Took DC round to H's caravan tonight. He had changed plans of coming to my house (then I had booked a babysitter so that we could discuss things amicably elsewhere) under the pretext of having a barbeque with the children. I had forgotten about the Football and the beer that he obviously wanted to drink.

I was wary about going on my own and told him this; I mean, what would we chat about politely?

We got to the caravan and he has proud pictures of his GF's daughter all around the caravan. He has known the GF and her daughter for six weeks. The DC didn't take too much notice.

When trying to sort out his contact with the children, he couldn't work it out. He had been drinking when we got there and worked his way through four cans in the 1.5 hours we were there. He then proceeded to tell me that he wanted half the equity in our house as he needed to BUY A HOUSE FOR GF, DAUGHTER AND HIM to live in. And he couldn't do that on any less than half.

He has known GF for six weeks. It is bananas. I am at a loss, tired, and emotionally drained with his fuckwittery. He announced all of this with his cocky, uber confident smirk that he has adopted since the morning I called the Police on him.

And there's me, refusing to go for spousal maintenance because I didn't think it fair...

Hi there - just wanted to put a point of view forward about your house situation. (get yourself a decent solicitor btw!)

I moved out of a jointly owned house with the ex (we weren't married) it's in joint names and when we do agree to either sell or take sort of valuation and him buy me out I will receive half the equity. It's mine as I paid half for it and worked damn hard (and spent loads on it) whilst we were in it together to make it home. And whilst if we were to wait 15 years to sell it I know that I would receive 50% equity for "nothing" actually I see it as an investment and return for my hard work before moving out, and I would absolutely fully expect a deduction from my share based on any further maintenance the ex has to do to or any upkeep that has to be made to the property. SO, keep any receipts relating to ANYTHING to do with maintaining the house and keep copies. Speak to a solicitor, several in fact as the first hour is free, and make sure you know where you stand. Look out for number one (that is YOU btw not DC or Ex-H) and the rest will take care of itself. Make yourself happy and ensure you provide security for your DC by knowing your rights and DC's happiness will follow.

Just wanted to share a reasonably sane persons point of view.

Oh and also - I would never force the sale of my house as this is where DD stays when she sees her Dad so absolutely not fair.

No idea what you can do about a £20k loan to family, thats a bit of sticky one and suspect you'll just have to pay it. As for equity from the house - well face up to the fact that for doing nothing he will get 50% share when you do sell but if you don't want to sell until youngest DC is 18 then that is your choice and I'm sure he would have to force the sale if he wanted his share, which, when children are involved is very unlikely to be agreed to by a court.

In return for the financial loss you are bound to incur in however many years time when you sell the house make sure you get any maintenance you are entitled to and stick it a savings account if you don't need it now.

Verytellytubby. He is a twat of the highest order. I cannot understand how he wishes to provide for a GF of 6 weeks when he has not been providing for the children.

Totallyhappy. Thanks for sharing your experience with me. It is so confusing. And in my nackered and emotional state, I just can't get me head around it.

I just keep thinking of his self-satisfied smirk when trying to discuss it with him.

Me head around it? Gah.

Simple - don't deal with him face to face anymore. And if you still see the self satisfied smirk in your head, well that will fade won't it? Because without the equity he can't move anywhere with GF or by himself. What I don't understand is how he plans to provide for GF and not for the children if he doesn't have the equity. Does he have a job? Is he in a position to pay you any maintenance at all?

Take some time out (this weekend?) to go and visit a solicitor for an hour and let them lay out the facts for you. Take your time to get your head around it all - and then deal with the ex armed with all the facts. I tell you it feels good to know where you stand.

OK, I think you need to talk to your GP and Women's Aid. WA will, hopefully, give you a nice sensible chat from a VERY experienced point of view. They can recommend an appropriate solicitor, if they know of one available to you. You'll have to get rid of yours - they sound useless in your situation.

Tell your GP what's going on. You could get some short-term meds for your anxiety and your sleeping. Don't go all anti-medication over this; modern sleeping pills don't stop you dreaming, knock you cold or mong you out. The long-term physical & psychological effects of extended stress are horrendous (I speak from experience); something like citalopram helps your neurosystem to regain balance. Better to catch it early than end up with a breakdown.

It's fantastic that the village drums are supporting you! Please try & remember to be nice to your helpers, and don't worry about asking for assistance and/or company. Eat food and drink water.

Your DS shouldn't be "parenting" you. It's perfectly OK to let him know you're upset but Daddy plainly isn't doing the best one could hope for - you don't need to pretend their father's fine; children aren't stupid. Much better to discuss with them how much safer & nicer life will be now. Ask them what changes THEY would like to see!

You need to parent yourself a little bit, too. Think of things you actively enjoy (one of mine was going for a car wash - I love 'em!) and take at least one every day. Bubble bath? Flower arranging? Walk in the park?

You'll need to tell your mortgage lender about your situation. I think I remember that you'd already put it on interest only? Maybe they'll give you a payment holiday and/or an extension. I know this is a dreadful time to be doing this, but see what you can do to ease things in the short term. Material stuff will sort itself out, one way or another, though it may take a while. This is not a good time to be worrying about your (ex)H's fantasies! Just keep your receipts and muddle through.

You can and will do this - and come out the other end happier! Promise

Oh Grace and Totallyhappy, your advice is brilliant. I have been printing all of these threads out and reading whenever I feel jittery.

Totallyhappy, I do have a solicitor who I felt was being a little laid-back, but I have fired him up....We had a good half an hour chat this evening.

Grace, you are right about looking after myself. I spent all of my working day today either crying or staring into space as I was soooo tired. I also rear-ended a car on the way home from work. Nightmare. The man got out of the car, pulled me out of my car and just gave me a massive hug, as I was sobbing. (Am convinced that he was uninsured and unlicensed as he sent me on my merry way). The kindness of people is often amazing.HOWEVER, I need to snap out of this as it's becoming dangerous.

My solicitor confirmed that H had no chance of expecting me to provide a house for him and GF. And, with the alcohol, prozac and bizarre behaviour we have decided to cease contact until court. I officially started divorce proceedings today.

Having not had any sleep for two days I'm orf to bed. Thank you all for sharing your experiences, it is really helping. Oooh, managed to get a cancellation at Relate in the morning so hopefully they will help me to minimilise all these worries and feelings that are swimming around at the moment.