don't know what to do about sister anymore, getting a bit worn down with it all

[minxofmancunia]

My sister has been very supportive since births of dcs and I am very grateful to her but her attitude towards me is really beginning to get me down and I'm struggling mentally regarding how to handle it.

When she lived in M/CR for 2 years after birth of dd she used to come and babysit every Thursday. Great obviously, but I NEVER asked, she always offered and if ever she had an alternative arrangement I told her not to bother with us and do her thing. She would usually arrive and help herself to whatever was in the fridge, get the laptop and go straight on it. Again not really bothered but when she began to pull a face if we didn't have what she wanted in/or I was using the laptop found it a bit annoying. Several of our friends invited her on nights/days out (she didn't really know many people here) but she basically turned her nose up at them saying they weren't really her sort of people.

it was about this time the angry outbursts started, screaming and shouting at me if I had a different point of view from her about something topical say. I'd be called critical, a bully, negative, etc. etc. this once happened when she accused me of having a "critical" face when looking at some holiday pictures. this was bullshit. She's done it several times in front of my friends and embarrassed me. She's unable to speak to me without reminding me of how lucky i am to have her, loads more so than her friends with dcs (she has 2 friends with dcs). I say I'm grateful but I don't want to be harangued about it and I've NEVER asked her to do childcare it's always been when she's wanted to when she's been free. E.g. if we had a wedding would never ask her would ask MiL.

Last year she moved back to Sheffield this co-incided with birth of my lovely ds. She's been over every 6 weeks or so since September. I've been over to Sheffield to see her 3 times.

Last Friday she arrived and couldn't get a friend to stay in with her whilst she babysat so wanted to come out with us. I managed to get a babysitter at a cost of £30 (at least) last minute. She dragged us round on a bar crawl (we originally wanted a quiet, beer garedn drink) but went with what she wanted as she was our guest. Halfway through the night usual scenario. Came back from toilets "you're so lucky so have me you know, no one can believe I do so much for you and you just don't realise it" I thanked her AGAIN and said if it was too much no worries we could sort out another way for her to see dcs (dd loves her) but I was NOT going to be made to feel bad about it forever more. Cue screaming shouting, I was a bully (I then apologised for giving her a hard times when we were little, she's 5 years younger than me, talking sibling teasing and fighting here), I'm negative about EVERYONE (asked her for an example didn't get one) I'm not fluffy and happy enough etc.etc. By the end she was spitting and screaming in my face. Mid way through she then went "oh just forget it now" and started with the "I love you so much you're a special person.

She gets very anxious and paranoid, I've tried to help. Ive left work to go across the pennines when she's been having a panic attack. I went to Sheffeild 2 weeks ago at a cost of £40 in all to view a house with her at an hours notice. Loads of stuff. I've never reminded her of this in arguments never. I've promised to care for her future dcs if she has them to which I got more spitting and screaming, that it would never be as good as what she's done. I'm likely to have 2 dcs in primary school when she has dcs so i said I do what I could.

I've had enough. Since she's been my sleeps gone haywire again after being better for the first time in years. I can't stop obsessing and crying. She never lets up on me and I'm so nervous around her in case some nuance in my voice results in an outburst or some facial expression. I'm beginning to hate her. However dd adores her and I don't want to deprive dd of that contact. Am thinking of sorting it out in such a way that she doesn't really come here anymore.

Sorry for the long post, really getting to me.

She sounds like she has some mental health issues. That said isn't it time you starting setting your terms for the relationship now?

i.e. she is welcome to visit but no rowing, no babysitting, no making demands

Set it out in a call or letter before she comes next time.

If she chooses to take this badly that's up to her,

you can't allow this to continue - she will only get worse as time goes on - especially if she is unchallenged

I don't think i want her to babysit anymore, she doesn't like being on her own so if she can't get anyone she knows to be with her she gets in a mood.

She actually threatened in the pub to stay elsewhere last weekend, I said fine. She stropped out and then 2 minutes later stropped back in again. Obviously couldn't fine anyone .

She can be lovely, was v lovely the next day as if nothing had happened whereas I felt so bloody anxious around her. She's totally normalised these outbursts.

She doesn't take criticism very well atall. I've lost count of the number of times she's been "bullied" at work etc. I've been bullied twice once during my childhood and once at work along with a bunch of others we all left at the same time. She seems to think bullying is anyone who disagrees with her or critisise her. she falls to pieces if her work performance is pulled up.

She's a weird mix of anxiety and low self-esteem coupled with quite a hefty dose of self-importance bordering on narcissm. She's paranoid to the point of clinical concern but despite being offered CBT on the NHS she's been to see a private counsellor instead who's more person centred which tbh hasn't seemed to help much.

bump

I'm inclined to agree that she sounds as though she has mental health issues. Does she smoke dope or do any other kind of drugs? As this might negatively impact on her mental health.

I wouldn't want to leave her alone in charge of my DC either, tbh - if she suddenly took agin something one of them said and went into a spitting fury at them, they'd be extremely scared.

I know she's your sister but you might need to start thinking twice about how often you see her and how much you let her push you around - she is manipulating you and you are letting her to some extent. If this was a man doing this to you, people would be saying "Leave him, the abusive twat" - just because it's your sister, doesn't mean she isn't abusing you, whatever the background cause is.

she's the bully

she obviously can't cope with anyone saying no to her, as she has demonstrated by screaming/shouting etc.... clearly most people would either fall out or do what she said.

as she is your sister, you feel beholden to her to try to keep the peace and keep her in your DCs lives..

you need ot take a step back

next time she starts teh screaming and ranting, calmly tell her you will not discuss anything with her until she is able to talk rationalyl and calmly

and walk away from the situation

she might learn. she might not.

you need to ask yourself what she brings to you.. she babysits, but on her terms, wants to be with you, but on her terms, wants your help and assistance which you give, but then hurls abuse and throws it all back in your face.

There isn't much weird about the combination of low self-esteem and bounding self-importance, I don't think - especially as you have said she is paranoid. Paranoia makes everything about oneself but it isn't necessarily good stuff. I suffered a little from it years ago and it got to the point that if I heard people laughing in the next office, I assumed it was about me.

she does "turn" very suddenly when she's had a drink, she's got a bit of a reputation for this. The paranoia is wearing, I did actually say to her once when she was going on about people being funny with her that they probably weren't even thinking about her as they had far more important things to think about.

She did recreational drugs from a young age (acid at 12 next to the local lake) ate weed at school loads of speed and e's in clubs. But then again I was no angel and pretty involved in the acid house scene myself, just maybe not quite so young! She mixes in a fairly drug orientated crowd now, she's at Glasto this weekend, she'll be caning it there.

She went travelling to South America a few years ago and has changed a lot (for the worse) since she came back, she calls it sticking up for herself. I call it aggressive and confrontational

yikes ! i imagine if she had paranoid /aggresive tendencies, years of drug abuse won't have helped.

would be worried about her being around the children if she is volatile and a drug user.

her aggression is not acceptable

if she has mental health issues, she needs to seek help, she needs to get help to knock the drugs on the head as they wont help either

or she is just a nasty person who is making things difficutl for you

I call it possible drug-induced mental health issues, then. I have a friend who developed bipolar disorder from over-use of marijuana - it's not that uncommon.
Also, alcohol can do that to some people (my BIL for one) - but quite frankly, you can do without this kind of tripe in your life.

Tell her so - if she wants to stick up for herself, then you stick up for yourself and your family as well.

Yes the younger you do drugs the more likely they are to have a serious affect on you I'm not sure what you can actually do though if she rejects this.

You might find this an interesting read - although, as Cargirl says, the difficulty is getting someone like this to seek help.

Even if she won't accept it, or seek help, you can still decide when and where you allow her access to your family. If she really cares about anyone other than herself, it might help jolt her into getting help if she needs it - but it probably won't.

Ok.... she obviously has some mental issues, as other have said.

So, instead of continuing to make excuses for her, what are you going to DO about it??

IMO, you need to take a very big step back from her and start standing up for yourself. Issues or not, she cannot be allowed to make your life a misery and that means that you need to stop running around after her, stop allowing her to babysit your kids (which is generally a bad idea if she does have health issues) and stop letting her bully you

haven't read thread but i wouldn't jump to assume MH issues. my youngest sister is a bit like this and it's because she is a spoilt brat tbh.

Just to clarify she's started using drugs recreationally occasionally again. i.e. a bit of coke at parties once a month or so.

She's only just started doing this again after a 2 year or so abstinence. She's fairly tame compared to a lot of people tbh, she isn't a "drug user" in the addicted sense of the word. She does them now and again like a lot of people but not cannabis.

I don't think she's some chaotic type who can't control herself she's v organised has a good job and lots of hobbies. She's gets angry with me, with my parents sometimes (for good reason to be fair to her).

We used to argue occasionally like all sisters do but now I feel as if I'm walking on eggshells. Interestingly the change occured when she was in South America working and not even drinking. She certainly came back with an attitude. I'm inclined to agree with Aitch. Little sister syndrome (apols to all younger sibs out there).

Cheers for the link! Again she's not BPD although she may be on the spectrum (like a lot of us) I work with BPD and wrote my masters dissertation about it!

Without wanting to argue, someone who's got angry outbursts and a sense of entitlement doesn't always have a personality disorder and ocassional recreational drug use doesn't often really warrant intervention but I appreciate the observations.

Whatever the reason behind it Minx, the important thing is what you do about it now - in terms of contact with her. It's upsetting you, it might not be long before it upsets your DC - you need to lay down some ground rules to protect you and them from her "spitting fury".

You are right thumbwitch she has started at me a couple of times in front of dcs because i had a "critical tone" or some such bollox. My friends think she may be jealous and bitter but she seems to have a very full life.

Also sorry to hear about your probs with paranoia, I hope it's better now

I wonder if there is some really big deep resentment that she has never actually got out in the open with you so it just spills out in these horrid little outbursts?

I presume you've already tried to talk to her about it and met with some kind of outburst?
I can't know exactly what is going on with her, but maybe her "full life" is a cover for what she really wants, or maybe it is just little sister envy over anything you have, regardless of how good or not her own life is.
TBH, even the thing about coming over every thursday regardless of whether or not you needed her, and expecting you to have food she liked and to be able to use your computer sounds a bit odd - almost like a compulsive routine she needed to keep to. I don't know, but the hair-trigger temper outbursts is definitely not a good thing, regardless of where it's coming from and I'd want to keep my DC from seeing it as much as possible.

I have to go to bed now, I have no idea why I'm still up as it's nearly 4am here but I hope you get more people posting with good advice for you.

The sister thing...I've cut my sister (single, no dc, 2 years older than me) out of my life. Not absolutely: card/gift for bday/Christmas and a phone call on Christmas-but I'm ready to redefine even those!

I think that operating from a foundation of respect helps keep the guilt/obligation/family duty bindings (for lack of a better analogy) from taking over your perspective. You have respected her as a person: giving her free reign in your house, access to your children, participation in your family's outings.

The dc love her. They do now (I don't know their ages, but they would -wouldn't they?) but they don't really have the scope of cognizance to make a decision about her yet, do they? At age 10 or 11 or 12-13 (depends on the individual child)...they might start to be able to realize that her behavior is not quite right or that they are beginning to feel uncomfortable around her. You do not have to wait for this to happen. That is rather like letting the dc make the decision for you.

Her presence in your life is having a negative impact on you.
You can make the decision for yourself as well as your dc and I dare add your dh.

You can not change her or help her or heal her-all the responsibility for that is hers as previously mentioned.

Again: Her presence in your life is having a negative impact on you.
Her behavior will have consequenses. Everyone's behavior has consequenses-not a new concept.

She is a parasite.
Her behavior has exhausted you. Her behavior has used you up. You have been used up to such a degree that you are no longer a renewable resource for her.

Let her go with a clear mind and calm conscience. You have given her plenty of warnings, plenty of explanations, plenty of chances.

If she makes it out to be about your children, this is a tactic that essentially says that you do not exist. It is dismissive of you-no respect for you. She does not have a right to your children.

If this was someone who was not your sister, you would not hesitate to tell them where to get off. Why is the fact that she is your sister relevant? Family brainwashing. Break through it, save yourself and your family.

Sorry for another long post, everyone ...I will try better to edit.

So many of the things you say about your sis ring bells with me, Minx, particularly the walking on eggshells comment - I often used to say the same about my sister (who's older than me, btw).

She cut me off after years of this unpredictable, unacceptable behaviour, because I didn't do something she saw as her right, and has barely spoken to me for the last nine years.

Like Toomany's situation, we send birthday and Christmas cards and speak when we have to at family gatherings, but she ignores me if there's no one else in the room.

I suppose I should have been stronger and tried to distance her sooner myself, but the difficult thing was we both had DCs close in age and lived within striking distance of each other.

Even so, I do wonder whether, had I been assertive enough to break out of a lifetime's conditioning of bending to suit her, we might have been able to continue a relationship for the sake of the DCs having a relationship with their cousins.

Ironically, the refrain, 'Don't you want the cousins to be close?' was one she used to justify a lot of demands, but as soon as I didn't toe her line she clearly didn't give that a moment's thought and summarily cut all contact.

I posted that link to BPD because it's something that occured to me might be relevant in explaining my DSis's behaviour - but you obviously know enough to have considered that possibility.

I think I'm hopeful that there's something more to it than just bad behaviour, or that she just doesn't like me, but sometimes I think the latter might be the case, sadly.

I'm sorry, I seem to have gone on about my own sich without advising; I do think it's worth figuring out some way of continuing on your terms, but be prepared that you might forever be pictured as the enemy.

hello everyone, sorry for delay in posting went to yoga last night to calm my thoughts!

Thankyou so much for all your wise words and it's been really helpful to hear about all your experiences, I'm so sorry to hear that others have these antagonistic relationships with their sisters, such a shame.

I think i'm just gutted because she can be fabulous, funny, kind, helpful, good company but she DOES do that idealisation/devaluation thing with me. One minute I'm brilliant, kind, caring, precious, fantastic mum etc. etc. the next I'm negative, critical, a bully. Her and a lot of her mates are v gushy and gooey with each other, that's just not my style!! I'm more direct and straight talking as are many of my friends, I find that false lovey doviness thing really vexing. However when my friends meet my sister because they're not all over her like a rash they're being "funny" with her.

I have one v close friend who I talk to about everything. She's the only person I talk to about any probs I'm having with dh. My sister became friendly with her too when she lived in manc, which I had no problem with. What I do have a problem with however is the way she using this friend someone I've known for 15 years as someone to off load her probs with me to. I think this is bloody disrespectful and it means I'm unable to talk to this mate about some stuff now. I'm close to some of sisters friends but I'd never ever say a word to them about her, I'd think it rude and unfair. I rarely get to see this friend in the evening as she's childless and single and has a packed social diary and I'm not! However when sister babysits I try to arrange with friend for us to go out in a group with some others as we used to do but sister has always booked her in to sit with her so she's not in on her own (she can't be on her own).

I do feel a little resentful about this tbh, as if she's trying to claw parts of my life for herself. However she compartmentalises her life hugely. For her 30th she had a family meal with me parents dh and dcs and a party with her friends. Me and dh weren't invited to party. I asked about it and she just got that look in her eyes again and said "you wouldn't be into it". Her way of saying f**k off. Again quite a few of our mutual friends were going to this party.

thunbwitch again you've hit the nail on the head about the Thursday compulsive behaviour thing. She's v rigid with her routine and plans every day months in advance sometimes every hour (no lie). it's why I never phone her as if she's not planning a phone call at that time she's v dismissive.

I've just cancelled a day at the end of July as it's my only chance to see another friend before she goes travelling. I felt sick to my stomach doing it and sure enough her texts have been quite snippy. She has 3 of my dresses (one not yet worn!) that she's taken to Glasto and I want the unworn one back asap. I'm going to have to ask her to post it and I know it's going to be stressful. I know I know, don't lend her stuff anymore.

Sorry for yet more ranting. DH sort of gets it but not really and I can't talk to my mum and don't want to discuss with rl friend for fear of sounding critical and negative. her constant berating of me has made me very conscious when i talk to people.

No, but you went to the pub with a friend, didn't you? Surely your friends have seen enough of her to get the picture. I don't see anything odd about wanting to discuss it with them.

Sure they'll have differing points of view - I agree, you need to significantly reduce her presence in your life - but there's no reason in the world why you shouldn't talk to others about your issues with her.