Am I fighting a losing battle?

[ummwhatnext]

Hi

I have been married 4 years and have 2dc. There have been issues from the start but I was always confident that we would and could survive and be happy. However, I have started thinking that I was really niave. If I set out the main issues will you please advise me as best you can.

When I relocated in order for us to be together dh was very insistant that I work for his company. I repeatedly told him I didn't want to do this and felt it was the wrong thing for me but he was very controlling and managed to convince me it was only right for me to contribute to his company to grow it for our future. I did - disaster. He now apologises for this and has definately improved and is not really like this anymore.

Then, just before we got married I found out that he was advertising to meet other people for casual sex online. He used his real details and photos etc and was joined numerous websites. He convinced me that he had never met anyone but was addicted to the buzz he got from the contact and had seperated it in his head and didnt really see it as a betrayal at that time. I nearly called it all off but eventually I believed him.

When dc1 was 6 month he went on a foreign stag weekend and when he got back I found an email from one of the other guys on the stag saying he had been kissing another girl and had been angry when "she got on her moral high horse and wouldnt sleep with him cause he was married. I kicked him out and he started counselling..he says she kissed him and he kissed back for only a sec and that the guy was only embellishing the story for entertainment purposes.

There has been three occassions since we met where I feel like he has really mistreated me sexually. Basically, insisting I have sex when I don't want to.

A Couple of weeks ago I told him how these three occcassions have made me feel abused by him - he didnt even remember it happened! and has just ignored the situation since. When I got upset last night that he would just ignore me when I tell him how I feel about something like that he said he was so stressed about money he cant handle anything else at the moment.

I really do love him. He is a great dad. But i feel like he is eroding my self confidence and slowing strangling who I am as a person. I hope this makes some sense. I have only said the bad things, but there has been lots of good too and I dont think he is a bad man. I need someone to put some perspective on this for me. Please.

I know this must sound so pathetic and I must seem like such a pushover but I am not normally I swear..and I have told him and really mean it, I would rather be a single mum than be treated this way

no,i wouldnt put up with that....it doesnt look,or sound promising. you arent really important to him are you?

nothing wrong with being a single mum either!its a good life.

Sounds like he is just trying to ignore your feelings regarding these incidences rather than work through them, don't know what to recommend, but bumping this so someone else can give you some advice

Thats exactly how I feel TBB..like I'm always bottom of his priorities. Years of no bday/xmas gifts etc and he read all my texts a few weeks ago

Poor you - you have a lot of serious thinking to do. The good times must be bloody good if you're still with him now - I think I'd be long gone in your position.

The controlling bits worry me a lot - forcing you to work where he choses, forcing you to have sex. I can't imagine he really doesn't remember that. And I don't think people who are, by nature, controlling ever change - I think if you stay you're resigning yourself to years and years of more of the same. You have to think about the example that will set to your DCs.

All I can suggest is that you go and see a Relate counsellor on your own, and talk it through. Leaving your H is a huge decision to make - take your time, weigh it all up, talk it through with a professional.

Thanks hassled. I know. It seems wrong to walk out when I love him. But I really am exhausted by him and feel I deserve better. I'm so so so confused.

What do you mean by "insisting on sex when I have told him I didn't want to"? Has he raped you?

I think this man sounds far from good. I think he is unfaithful, controlling, angry and abusive.

I don't think it was rape. If I had got up and walked out or shouted at him to stop etc then he would have. But I just lay then, upset and unresponsive and let him get on with it. I'm not proud of myself.

He is rarely angry, my temper is far worse. He is really easy going and fun generally.

Anger manifests itself in many, many ways and not just outward explosions of temper. Besides, reread your post - "he got angry...when the woman he kissed wouldn't sleep with him".

Wake up. He did want to sleep with the people he was meeting online - and possibly did. He would have had sex on that stag do, his friend wasn't embellishing anything. He thinks sex is an entitlement and he'll have it whether you are willing or not.

At the root of this I've got no doubt that he thinks women are inferior, which is what your DCs will absorb loud and clear, even if you haven't.

This man is a shit. Why on earth do you 'love' him? He belittles you, bullies you and has raped you on more than one occasion.
I strongly suggest you call Women's Aid or at least have a look through the website. I'm afraid men like this, who dont actually think that women are human, never change.

Oh god I feel so sick having read that I can't tell you. I can't believe this

I bet he does remember those incidents too. Denial is a standard part of abuse. I'm most of the way through reading Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" and honestly, it's all in there. And there's that famous line again, "He's a great dad"... it's what women say when he is clearly a lousy partner and the children aren't actually cowering in fear from him (actually I've seen it said on a couple of occasions when they WERE cowering in fear but "he's a great dad the rest of the time"!)

Open your eyes, pet, he's horrible. Not all the time, I'm sure, or you wouldn't have a dilemma. But enough of the time to make you miserable.

He remembers those incidents now and thinks he was so ashamed of his behaviour that he blocked it out. It wasnt rape though. I allowed it so I have to take responsibility.

What did you think would happen if you hadn't "allowed it to happen"? Really think about this. What would have been the likely consequences, or the ones you feared?

You are bargaining away what is indefensible behaviour here, umm.

I don't think I feared anything. I think I wanted to know that he wouldn't do it, that he wouldn't treat me that way and would stop because he knew it was wrong. But he didn't. I have absolutely no doubt that he would ever hurt me or threaten me in any way at all - that is not an issue.

WWIFN - I know its not defendable I'm just trying to give a clear picture of the facts so that I can get the best advice. I am glad you have replied, I have seen you on similar threads and respect your opinion

i think counselling wtll really help you - go see a relate counsellor but definitely on your own to talk things thru...i think there is more -- controlling, no presents on your b/day etc? i bet there is more - i bet you are blocking it out...

There is only one type of man that would have sex with an unwilling and unresponsive woman.
A decent, loving, emotionally normal man doesn't want to have sex with his partner if she doesn't want it too.

Yes, none of us have commented yet that he is reading all the OP's texts either. Of course there is more, some of it known to you Umm, but you're blocking it - and loads that is unknown too.

What you're telling us is that on three occasions, you hoped he'd stop having sex with you, but he didn't. When he didn't stop the first time, that should have told you all you needed to know. There wouldn't have been a second or third time. I wonder whether you feared a massive strop, or sulk, if you stopped things? Or feared that he would have sex with someone else? I didn't just mean violence, Umm.

I echo all the advice about speaking to a therapist on your own. I think you need RL validation of what we're saying to you. You see, you can bargain away what we're saying here too - words on a page etc. A counsellor will hopefully get you to see what we see - and encourage you to think through your options.

Yes, thats far. I did know he would sulk etc but thats not why I let him so ahead. I guess I wanted to know what he was really made of. And I think the 2nd and third time were a kind of self punishment for allowing myself to be treated so badly. I get very low. Then I have stronger periods like now when I feel like fighting for myself. But I am afraid of these moments getting fewer and further apart if I stay in this marriage.

I guess honestly, I am afraid of leaving him and the consequences of that for everyone. I don#t want to leave him. I want him to love me enough to treat me properly

sorry - I meant that's fair not far!

"I want him to love me enough to treat me properly"

He won't Umm. There is no incentive to.

You are in a bad place if you're punishing yourself through sex with this man. Please go and get get yourself some help and therapy.

Why is there no incentive to? Can I change that without leaving him?

If I sound desperate then it's cause I am. I don't want to be trated this way by the person who is supposed to love me most, but I really don't want to raise my dcs alone or to be without him. We could be so so good together.

When soneone treats you this badly, sees your distress and upset, but also sees that you're still staying there waithing for the next kick, there is no incentive to change.

This is going to sound harsh and I'm sorry. I imagine he has very little respect for you. He managed to hoodwink you to an unbelievable extent about the dating sites and the stag night. He also sees that he can have sex with you whether you like it or not, and beyond some tears and mild recriminations, there are no consequences.

In a healthy relationship, the incentive to love and treat someone properly is that you never want to see them in any distress or pain. You put their emotional health high up on your priorities. Seeing pain inflicted at your hands is so horrifying that you would never do it again.

If he knows you will never leave him and will believe the unbelievable, over and over again, there is absolutely no incentive to change. It is much more likely in fact that he will go on to kick you harder. I'd bet it's got worse in recent times, hence your post.

WWIFN - thanks for taking the time to help. I know you are right. If I had stood up to him way back about the work stuff it would never have come to this..and I am terrified you are right and there is tons of stuff he has lied about or covered up. Will I ever really know?

Think I know what I ahve to do. Any ideas where to look for practical advice about leaving him? money etc? I am a SAHM with no income