Am I fighting a losing battle?

[ummwhatnext]

Hi

I have been married 4 years and have 2dc. There have been issues from the start but I was always confident that we would and could survive and be happy. However, I have started thinking that I was really niave. If I set out the main issues will you please advise me as best you can.

When I relocated in order for us to be together dh was very insistant that I work for his company. I repeatedly told him I didn't want to do this and felt it was the wrong thing for me but he was very controlling and managed to convince me it was only right for me to contribute to his company to grow it for our future. I did - disaster. He now apologises for this and has definately improved and is not really like this anymore.

Then, just before we got married I found out that he was advertising to meet other people for casual sex online. He used his real details and photos etc and was joined numerous websites. He convinced me that he had never met anyone but was addicted to the buzz he got from the contact and had seperated it in his head and didnt really see it as a betrayal at that time. I nearly called it all off but eventually I believed him.

When dc1 was 6 month he went on a foreign stag weekend and when he got back I found an email from one of the other guys on the stag saying he had been kissing another girl and had been angry when "she got on her moral high horse and wouldnt sleep with him cause he was married. I kicked him out and he started counselling..he says she kissed him and he kissed back for only a sec and that the guy was only embellishing the story for entertainment purposes.

There has been three occassions since we met where I feel like he has really mistreated me sexually. Basically, insisting I have sex when I don't want to.

A Couple of weeks ago I told him how these three occcassions have made me feel abused by him - he didnt even remember it happened! and has just ignored the situation since. When I got upset last night that he would just ignore me when I tell him how I feel about something like that he said he was so stressed about money he cant handle anything else at the moment.

I really do love him. He is a great dad. But i feel like he is eroding my self confidence and slowing strangling who I am as a person. I hope this makes some sense. I have only said the bad things, but there has been lots of good too and I dont think he is a bad man. I need someone to put some perspective on this for me. Please.

Other posters will hopefully come on with that practical advice, Umm.

Please don't resist therapy. I still think you're going to need someone in RL validating what you have come to realise. Good luck!

OP, you need to get to the point where you feel you would rather be single than be with him. Once you are in that place, you can leave, and then you will discover the happy truth that being a single parent is a MILLION times better than putting up with his frankly appalling behaviour.

We can tell you that his behaviour is totally awful and you should have left him a long time ago. All that may be true, but what is needed is for you to really see and believe those things for yourself. I appreciate he has ground you down and made you accept such shoddy treatment, that your self esteem is on the floor and it's very hard to stand up for yourself or take action when that is the case. But you should urgently pursue a course of action that will put you in a stronger place. Whether that's working out where you stand legally, telling some friends and family so you have support and perhaps offers of a place to stay short term, speaking to CAB about benefits, or even going to a refuge.

But what you have to do is let go of your loving but misguided view that he is a nice person deep down. He isn't. He isn't a 'good dad' because good dads do not treat their children's mother or anyone, for that matter, in such a horrible way. For Gods sake, see this man clearly; he is repeatedly giving you some sterling examples of who he really is, and each time you are refusing to accept what is being shown to you.
I suggest that if you haven't already, you read Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft, which might help you to work up the required indignation and self belief to finally leave him. I guarantee you will find many examples of your partners behaviour in those pages, and it is a very, very helpful book.

I have recently left a complete arse of a controlling, moody, horrible partner. And I was shy and self effacing to start with. Three years with him and one child later and I have turned into a fearful, confused and downtrodden jelly. Yet I still managed to leave him. I'm in my own place now working part time from home, and it is lovely. I'm very happy and having zero regrets. It is much, MUCH better than I thought it would be! You can do this too, but first you need to accept that he is an arse and WILL NEVER CHANGE. You will never be great together, and the potential you see will forever remain just potential and will never materialize into the present. However, if you leave him, one day in the future you may be very very happy with someone else who treats you well. By staying you are denying yourself and the kids this happiness, which you all deserve.

You've made me cry Vicky, well done for being so brave. I've ordered the book. Thanks.

Whenever I say the things you have all said above he makes me feel like I'm being stupid and oversensitive. He always says I'm over-reacting and being 'a bit harsh on him'.

Hearing you all say it tells me I'm not, and that I am entitled to my feelings.

well he would say that wouldnt he!

is part of the script - is what they all say...
it is all in your head, not his
he was stresed about money
it is your fault for not behaving better
he wouldnt do this if you loved him more
you should have told him at the time
etcetc

go get some practical advice ... CAB, solicitor, talk it thru with a therapist/counsellor

Practically, you could start here www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/your_family/family/ending_a_marriage.htm. Then get yourself down to your local Citizens Advice Bureau, if you can, for advice more tailored to your circumstances.

That book cheerfulvicky recommends is brilliant btw.

Oh god the desire to stick my head in the sand is soooooooo strong. I don't want to do this

It is very very tempting to just think 'if I ignore what is happening, it will either go away or still be easier to bear than leaving and going it alone'. The trick is to accept that you feel that way, that it IS very tempting to stay and stick your head in the sand, and be gentle and forgiving of yourself for having those thoughts. It's totally natural to feel that way so don't berate yourself. And have an un-mumsnetty hug on me

Leaving is very stressful. But unfortunately it's necessary, like ripping off a plaster; you have to do it sooner or later. Sadly, if you ignore things now, you will be probably in exactly the same situation somewhere down the line, maybe not very far in the future. Except you will be a little bit more ground down, and the healing process once you have left him will take that bit longer. It is hard to leave, and it is extremely tempting to stay. But that doesn't mean it's not possible to leave - it's just difficult. Something can be difficult and yet still utterly right.

Have you got some support locally, family or friends? Have you told anyone else face to face about any of his awful treatment of you? This might be a good thing to do, because then it's real and you can receive validation that it's not all in your head. Men like this love to play on the whole 'you're just imagining it / that never happened / I was only kidding around / you can't take a joke / you're hypersensitive, over analyzing' etc etc. Speaking with someone who BELIEVES YOU, doesn't diminish your concerns and agrees that he is way, way out of line is very refreshing!

I told people about the stag do thing when it happened so I'd be forced to deal with it - as I had kept the internet stuff to myself at the time and felt this made it easy for him to brush under the carpet. No-one knows how I am feeling now though as these are all older issues. I don't have support here - I am not from the UK, but do have great family and friends on the phone and not a million miles away.

This man is never going to love you. He doesn't even think you're a human being: to him you're a 'woman' ie something that exists for his convenience and belongs to him.
Therapy for you is an excellent idea but you are going to have to go in secret - or maybe leave it till you have got away from this sack of shit. He won't want you in therapy - he won't want anyone pointing out to you that you are a worthwhile human being who should not be treated like this.
It's likely you have been ground down to the point that you think you don't matter, so if you don't yet feel entitled to save yourself, does it help to think of saving your DC from this man? He's not a 'good dad'. he can;t possibly be, when he's so selfish and unkind in his treatment of you - he may appear doting if your DC are small but he's never going to put their needs above his own and is going to control and bully them once they start being old enough to answer back.

SGB - I dont have to wait for therapy. He won't stop me. Will prob tell me I'm being ridiculaous but he won't try to stop me. I wouldn't let him. I do think I am worth more, which is why I have posted. It's not easy though. Feelings aren't black and white.

Bloody brilliant posts from vicky

So sorry you are going through this, umm, but I think you know what you have to do

So is it definately not fixable? Even with him having therapy, and us going as a couple and apart. Do you all really think that it is pointless? I really didn't get married to end up divorced less than five years later, feel I have a duty to sort it out

what about his duty to you ?

you can't do it all by yourself..it will wear you down

I know AF - and I will leave if there is not radical and I mean radical changes. But is it possible that he can change? Is there a way for us both to be happy together? Or is this sort of behaviour so in-built that I would be wasting my time?

I don't know him, only you do

You have already swallowed much more than I ever would, so I don't know what more to say to you, really

Very sorry x

Thanks. And thanks for not slating me. I really couldn't take it today.

You won't get slated, love

A reality check, maybe (not the same thing)

Persoanlly, I don't feel he is a good long-term prospect

You could do better than this. Whether you want to/feel you deserve it is a different matter and maybe something you should have a good, hard think about

He is not likely to suddenly become the man you want him to be, particularly since he appears to be getting away with some very disrespectful behaviour

Good luck x

It's not fixable because he's a shit. No decent counsellor will undertake couple-counselling where abuse is involved, because the abuser uses the counselling to step up the abuse.
What you are doing here is the equivalent of throwing good money after bad in an attempt to fix an unfixable situation: cut your losses, get rid of him.

Any opinions from PM MN'ers..

Only to say that there are certain things I expect to give and receive in my marriage,respect, trust and fidelity are way up at the top end of my list. If I couldn't trust my DH, I would have real difficulty being with him. If i had no respect for him, or he had none for me, that would be a very big problem. Infidelity would mean the end of my marriage. So, for me, any one of those would create a big issue and from what you say, you are dealing with several of them. I am afraid I would not be able to remain in a marriage where my DH violated my body once, let alone 3 times. I love sex with MY DH, I love the closeness and the specialness of it, but I would not be able to continue in a relationship with someone who knew I did not want sex at that moment yet decided that he would still treat me like a blow up doll. You may still love him, though heaven knows why, but he sure as hell doesn't love you if he can treat you like that!