I'm a regular on here, but I don't want to be identified so I've set up a new name, not even namechanged.
I'm running out of options and I don't know what to do or even how I feel anymore.
My husband has been carrying on a relationship with an American woman online. It's been going on for a long time now. I can't be sure, but I think it started nearly 3 years ago. He made up a facebook name for himself and pretended to be years younger than he is, started this relationship, then confessed to me about it all. To say it was a shock is an understatement. He was eventually persuaded to come clean with her and admit who he really was. I expected her to run a mile, I mean I would if it was me, but she didn't. He's now carrying on his relationship and has other relationships, although not so strong, with other women on the internet.
This woman has asked him for money on many occasions and he has sent her this even though he can't afford it. His credit card is at maximum so he started using mine until I found out about it.
It seems to have been serious. He's written love poems to her and the relationship has moved on from facebook to him phoning her.
I've insisted he doesn't contact her in the middle of the night, as he was originally doing because she's in the US. When I felt he was ready to do it according to the counsellor, I insisted he stop all contact with her. He promised to do this. I've now found out that he is still talking to her every day. It seems to be him that's pushing the relationship. He's always the one to make contact and there seem to have been times when she's told him to back off because he's being obsessive and clingy.
I really thought our relationship had been OK. This all blew up after I had a miscarriage and was quite ill. I?m not sure why this would have sent him away from me, but it did. Then I became pregnant and the relationship has been going on all through that time. He's been to a counsellor who was recommended by a friend and I went along sometimes, too, but I?ve since found out that she isn't really qualified as a professional counsellor and the counselling has stopped because I was feeling very threatened by some of the things she was doing (breaking confidences, advising us what to do, telling us far too much about herself and identifying with me in particular). I've been left with severe postnatal depression, feeling suicidal and near a nervous breakdown. I'm now on medication. Because I was suicidal, the doctor insisted my husband take charge of it. He keeps forgetting to renew the prescription. Last week I was without it for 5 days which isn't helping. I know that means that I'm not thinking clearly and I'm too emotional to see things as they are.
My husband doesn't "do" responsibility or decisions. He relies on me to make decisions and do things for him. His mother micromanaged his life and he doesn't want to take responsibility. It means that he can then blame me when things don't turn out as he'd like.
We've had rows. The latest was on Sunday when he again swore at me, called me vile names and even pushed me, all in full hearing of our children. I never swear at him because I hate it but I did retaliate and told him, as I thought, a few home truths about his not taking responsibility. He refused to accept it.
Usually if we're arguing, or even just discussing, he refuses to listen to me when I try to tell him how I feel and constantly interrupts what I'm trying to say by telling me I'm talking rubbish (his words are usually stronger though). If I persist, he walks away.
Since finding out that he's still in contact with her, I don't know what to do. I can't leave him. Not only do we have children to support but we work together running our own company. Something else he blames me for. He had other jobs but moaned like hell about them. He seemed to like working at our business but has times when he moans about it, says I've ruined his life and hates it all and made his life hell ever since we married. He insists he does everything and I do nothing. He does have depression and he's had that since before I knew him. He is taking medication at the moment, too.
It's a mess. I don?t know what to do. I can't throw him out. He refuses to go. I'm not even sure that I want him to go but at the moment I can think of nothing good about our personal relationship. It goes without saying that our sex life is non-existant. I'm too tired, I feel betrayed, I cringe at the thought of a physical relationship. He says, and the counsellor says, it's because I was abused as a child but I dealt with all that years ago in counselling and I don't see it as an issue now. I'd almost forgotten about it until he told the counsellor about it. I don't know why he's doing this or why he's still here when he seems to hate me sometimes, he blames me for everything and says it's the abuse and that I hate men. I'm just so tired of it all. I have a young baby and a family, plus I'm doing the mammoth share of the work in our business because he's going through one of his hating the job phases and keeps disappearing. His mother is saying she doesn't know what's wrong with him. She's had words with him reminding him that he has a wife and family. She hasn't always been supportive so it's nice that she's doing that now.
Sorry to offload this but I have no-one else to talk to. He's friendly with all my friends and they'd never believe all this of him. I'm very confused and I don't know how I feel or what I can do.
I feel that he's abusive, controlling, manipulative and untrustworthy. I'm afraid to raise all this yet again with him because it'll mean another upset and I can't handle it at the moment. We do have good moments. He loves our children and is great with them. He loves the baby. It just seems to be me. The counsellor says he doesn't want to hurt me and he loves me. She says he needs someone to look after and that I'm too independent for him to do that. I can't really understand that because it seems to have been when I really needed him after the miscarriage and when I was pregnant that he hasn't been there for me.