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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

what would you think/do?

41 replies

lostlilly · 22/06/2010 17:46

Okay so found some messages on my husbands phone around christmas time, between him and a woman I already had some suspicions about due to the a amount of time he spoke to her on facebook.
They were 'very friendly' text, pets names etc talking about meeting up for coffee. I called her an asked what was going on, she denied anything untoward and said they were just friends and has been meeting for almost a year. I was not happy about this and questioned my husband who said the same as her but I was unsettled by the fact he had been meeting this woman for a year secretly and moved out for a week to think things over. I went back and asked him to stop this 'friendship' it was not appropriate for amarried man to be meeting up with a weoman regularly discussing our marriage etc behind my back. WE made a decision on our anniversary to put ALOT of difficulties behind us and make a go of this marriage. Yesterday 5 months later I walked through the town centre with a friend of mine and saw my husband and this woman walking down the road together. Obvsioualy I was very upset,again last night he says she is just his friend, he said 'he had found someone he could channel into and who understood him'
This statment broke my heart. I really dont know what to do, I feel I have had enough and this is out of order

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lostlilly · 22/06/2010 17:49

sorry about spellings

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lostlilly · 22/06/2010 17:58

bump please desperate for some support

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SixtyFootDoll · 22/06/2010 18:00

I'd like to say that men and women can be friends, but I know I would not be happy with DH having a close female friend.

I dont know what you should do, apart from tell him how it makes you feel and maybe he should choose where his loyalties lie.

secunda · 22/06/2010 18:01

I don't know. I don't think they are necessarily having a sexual affair, but the fact he said 'he had found someone he could channel into and who understood him' shows that he obviously thinks he/you as a couple have problems and he is talking through them with this woman when he should be doing that with you.

lostlilly · 22/06/2010 18:03

its the secrecy! I have male friends but there is no secrecy involved and I dont meet up with them in secret. They are people I have know for years and years, he met her about 18 months ago

I did tell him last time when I came back at christmas that I am his wife and we are his family, here and surely our feelings are more important that some woman he has relatively only just met. But clearly not as he is still seeing her

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lostlilly · 22/06/2010 18:06

exactly it should be me he is talking to.Thing is I booked us in with Relate last year 'before i knew anything about her' because we were having difficulties, he seemed depressed and I wanted us to get to the bottom of it, he said he couldnt talk about things like that and wouldnt go, so i was really upset when he said she was his shoulder to cry on.

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nigglewiggle · 22/06/2010 18:06

It seems like you handled the situation really well the first time and he has totally let you down again. I am reluctant to speculate about the relationship between your DH and the other woman, because I don't know all of the details. However, it doesn't look good.

Whatever is going on, he has betrayed your trust (presuming that on your anniversary he did agree to cut all ties to this woman).

You need to decide where you go from here, but I'd be kicking him out of the door.

I hope you are ok.

lostlilly · 22/06/2010 18:08

I am still shocked to be honest and it was so humiliating seeing him walking along laughing with her, I was with my friend, of course she was asking who she was etc.
I just dont know what to do for the best I think I have had enough trying to make him happy when he seems to be getting that from someone else,

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bananalover · 22/06/2010 18:25

He may not be having a sexual relationship with this woman, but he is definitely having an emotional relationship with her.
Do what I di: ask DH how he would fell if the shoe were on the other foot. If he says it wouldn't bother him, then he is either lying through his teeth, or he doesn't giv a toss about your feelings.

sayithowitis · 22/06/2010 18:39

To begin, as you know, it is possible for a man and a woman to be friends and only friends. so, if the situation was merely that this was a long standing friend who was known previously to him and had since become a friend to you both ( even if only meeting you occasionally) I would have no problem. However ,the fact that they are both aware that you are uncomfortable with the secrecy of their 'friendship' and the fact that he is clearly discussing your private life with her, shows a complete lack of respect about your feelings. For him to have refused to see a professional counsellor when you asked and then for you to find out he is talking to her about it, would be enough for me to seriously question his commitment to me and our marriage. In fact, knowing that he was still seeing her in secret, despite your very reasonable doubts and concerns about this earlier in the year, and in spite of his agreement to put all this behind you, would be enough for me to now be telling him that our marriage was at an end.

AnyFucker · 22/06/2010 18:42

He is a liar and making a fool of you

Bin him

pssthiagain · 22/06/2010 18:53

Message deleted

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 22/06/2010 18:56

Where to start?

Friendships are just fine, as long as they are not secret and with people who wish the marriage no harm. This one fails on both counts.

You found out from her that they had been meeting for a year, not him. You asked him not to continue with it and he clearly has.

Depressed? No, he was distancing himself from you. That's why he wouldn't seek help, like counselling.

His emotional connection to this woman is very strong I'm afraid. I'd also be surprised if in 18 months, it hasn't become sexual.

You don't sound anywhere near angry enough tbh that you have been lied to and deceived repeatedly. You should be.

He is putting her before your marriage.

AnyFucker · 22/06/2010 18:59

hello, you naughty girl, J

nice to see ya

lostlilly · 22/06/2010 19:01

hmm, he says I am completely over reacting and he would have prefered it if I couldve been friendly to her when I bumped into them!
I was unfaithfu, druken one night stand that i really regret and have nothing to do with him, this was last year when we were having real problems, DH was depressed'or so i thought' and spending most evenings on facebook chatting to her and ignoring me sitting behind him!
he brought this and and AIBU? to say that a drunken one night stand when being treated pretty awfully by your dh is totally different to regular secret meetings with a girl 13 years younger than yor wife, that your wife has never met, for a year ?

My god did he make me pay for that mistake when all along he was meeting up with his young lady friend?

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FabIsGettingFit · 22/06/2010 19:02

I don't know what I would do tbh but I would be pretty pissed off and probably would lose all my respect for him, and love. He knows what him talking to this woman does to you but has chosen to go ahead anywhere. Maybe you need to find someone else to channel all your love in to?

lostlilly · 22/06/2010 19:03

sorry that was terrible typing,

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lostlilly · 22/06/2010 19:06

its hopeless isnt it I love him very much, he is a great daddy and hard worker etc but he has failed me in many ways and probably I have failed him which is why we have both ended up with other people. I am just sad because i thought we were making some headway since our anniversary and a lovely family holiday only last month

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AnyFucker · 22/06/2010 19:08

Sorry, I don't quite understand

He is having an emotional affair for the last 18 months and repeatedly lying to you ?

You have had a one night stand ?

Err...what relationship are you trying to save here, exactly ???

Get shut of him and start again with your head screwed on straight

nagoo · 22/06/2010 19:08

Did he say that he would give her up? Why has he not introduced her to you? I have male friends and would think nothing of meeting them for drinks etc, but DH would know who I was with and I would not shy away from introducing them to him.

If he's keeping this friendship separate from you then he really is betraying you. He should be able to see this?

lostlilly · 22/06/2010 19:21

Anyfucker [hmm[ yeah it looks awful doesnt it. I kind of thought that we were fundamentally a good couple who have bucked under alot of financial and family strain and drfited apart as a result. This happens doesnt it? I have certainly seen it before, we both agreed splitting up was not what we wanted and we had some good times ahead of us after alot of stress.

but..... the length of time he has been seeing her, the fact he kept it secret and I have asked them BOTH to stop, I asked her if she felt it was appropriate to be meeting up with someone elses husband in secret and she agreed it obviously wasnt., yet she still is... she has balls!

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AnyFucker · 22/06/2010 19:26

I think she has his balls...right in her pocket, love

I would be very, very pissed off with this situation

Yes, you have both behaved badly in the past but who is putting in all the effort now ?

You

He is spending time with someone who is not a friend of your marriage and lying to you about it. You cannot make this work all by yourself...

Time to re-assess your position, love, and it may be that your future does not lie with him

bananalover · 22/06/2010 19:41

I think when a woman has a one night stand with another man, her DH can find it impossible to get over
Just as women can usually forgive a one night stand, but cannot forgive an emotional infidelity.
Men and women's minds work differently, that is why he is making you pay for your one night stand...as a man his ego won't let you forget your mistake.
Think that could be why he is intent on this friendship,to punish you for having sex with someone else.

lostlilly · 22/06/2010 19:48
Confused
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AnyFucker · 22/06/2010 19:51

what are you confused about, LL ?

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