what would you think/do?

[lostlilly]

Okay so found some messages on my husbands phone around christmas time, between him and a woman I already had some suspicions about due to the a amount of time he spoke to her on facebook.
They were 'very friendly' text, pets names etc talking about meeting up for coffee. I called her an asked what was going on, she denied anything untoward and said they were just friends and has been meeting for almost a year. I was not happy about this and questioned my husband who said the same as her but I was unsettled by the fact he had been meeting this woman for a year secretly and moved out for a week to think things over. I went back and asked him to stop this 'friendship' it was not appropriate for amarried man to be meeting up with a weoman regularly discussing our marriage etc behind my back. WE made a decision on our anniversary to put ALOT of difficulties behind us and make a go of this marriage. Yesterday 5 months later I walked through the town centre with a friend of mine and saw my husband and this woman walking down the road together. Obvsioualy I was very upset,again last night he says she is just his friend, he said 'he had found someone he could channel into and who understood him'
This statment broke my heart. I really dont know what to do, I feel I have had enough and this is out of order

I would think that his relationship with this woman was already well established when you admitted your one night stand. I suspect this (in his mind) gave him the green light to do whatever he wanted with the OW without needing to feel guilty.

I think that if you want to save the relationship, you should push for counselling. Otherwise I can't see how you can get over all of this.

Good luck and show him you have balls!

Well I'm confused about the chronology of this. Are you saying he started a FB relationship under your nose, with someone who had previously been a stranger to you both? And that you let him carry on doing this, while buying the "I'm depressed" line? That your response was to have a ONS - but then it came out that he had been meeting this woman in secret all along?

If he had already started this relationship before your ONS, punishment cannot be the root cause. However he may have had fewer barriers to the relationship becoming sexual once you had been unfaithful. What makes you think this is an EA with no sex?

If neither of you have had any counselling about the scripts you have been following in the relationship, I very much doubt that things were resolved.

As for the OW having bals, she is probably following her own hackneyed script which is that you don't understand him like she does, you've cheated on him etc. If she once agreed that the friendship was inappropriate, this is the only way she can be justifying it to herself.

I hope you're not going to let this continue OP?

Sometimes it takes a long time to act on something you can see and feel is wrong. So you say in your original thread that you feel you 'have had enough and that this is out of order' but you're not actually doing anything about it.

I spent months seeing something my H was doing as wrong but not doing anything about it - it was my way of processing what was happening and I needed that time. But at the end of the day the only thing that changed anything was action.

I would suggest you talk to a solicitor as soon as you can about where you stand and your rights and talk to a Relate counsellor to get a reality check on this behaviour and some advice. I got an hours phone counselling 2 days after first phoning Relate and a solicitor gave me advice on phone immediately. It gave me a huge sense of empowerment and strength.

thanks for the new messages after I left yesterday.
AF, I am confused because I love him and my little family and was brought up in a broken home and never wanted that for my dd. I know that I should boot him out but I dont knwo if I want to and I definately cannot afford to i am doing a degree and dont have any proper income myself

he met this OW because she used to go out with one of his friends, his friend ende dtheir relationships and she was calling my husband asking him whay etc and then they were chatting away on FB and this carried on for months until i questioneed him, I asked him why he was still talking to her and so much and said it was rude siting talking to her for hours when I am sitting there. I had no idea they were meetin up aswell (stupid I know) but he did sem really depressed and I was sick of him ignoring me and moaning and just felt like I was alwyas trying to make him happy. I went to Relate and talked EVERYTHING through and they said "what are you getting out of this marriage?"
Basically told me to get rid of him and he said well I'm not going there just to be told what I shit husband I am by complete strangers and that was that.

"that was that"

yes, everything his own way

do you have any say in what happens in your relationship at all ?

Last night after being on here I wrote down list of all the reasons why this marriage is failing: this other woman, his lying and is dishonesty about it, my ONS, the forever problems we have with his ex which is what started his depression off years ago and the fact that 'maybe we just are not right for eachother'
I said I wanted a separation, he is having none of it and said he would go to counselling and still denies any wrong doing with this other woman.He said we can get through all this and that he loves me and I said well thats not what it looks like... to me or anyone else.

Look, cut your losses. THis relationship isn;t worth saving. It's run its course.
NOthing is worse for your self-esteem and mental health than trying to 'save' a relationship with someone who is disengaging from it.
Sort out the practical details, finance, housing, access to DC then tell him that the relationship is over and either you are moving out or he is. Once you've made the break you will start feeling better.

Lilly, if you feel you could trust him again after this, have a read of "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It describes the 'arc' of an affair and what you can BOTH do about it.

Please be aware there's no going back to "how things were". This 'friendship' has changed the sahpe of your marriage. The book helps you figure out what to expect, and even whether to continue.

I'm sorry this is happening to you - it's horrible, isn't it, you feel so helpless

I can see from just about everyone that this is a lost cause. I have told him I want a separation and although he is having one of it, as far as I am concerned we are now separated. I havent told hardly any of my friends and none of my family about any of this, I have just tried to deal with it myself and talk on here for anonymous advice.
An ex of mine has recently separated fom his wife, the other day after I saw dh and his OW in town I felt like going to stay with him, nobody would know where I was or who I was with. Me and dh work shifts around our dd, its all so tight and organised I can't bare to actually contemplate the details of splitting up

I wouldn't stay with an ex, it will just complicate things and be a smkoescreen from the reality of what you have to face. I just don't think that would help you though I can see how tempting it must be to lean on someone you were once close to.

Have you got a friend you can stay with or family? Or can't you get H to leave and stay elsewhere? Why should you have to go

he has no family in this area of the country, my family are around but I dont want to stay with them. I just want to go somewhere nobody can bother me and hassle me or FIND me lol and yeah... I could do with leaning on someone going through similar stuff who I have been close to and trust

SIgh. NOw he says he 'loves' you and wants you to stay - what he means is 'carry on cooking, cleaning, looking after DC and being available for me to have sex on when I feel like it while I do whatever I want.'

I feel like sighing too, but for different reasons. Look, going to stay with an ex isn't the way to deal with this at all. Another man isn't the answer, just like the ONS wasn't the answer.

Did you mean it when you said you wanted a separation, or were you dropping a bombshell with no intention of going through with it? You say "he's having none of it" but that's hardly the point is it? If you want to separate, it matters not whether he agrees.

Only you know whether this relationship is worth saving, but if it is, then get yourselves to counselling and start behaving like grown-ups with one another.

If you feel you've had enough with him, Lilly, going to be with an ex is probably a bad idea. You must be feeling very vulnerable. It'd be too easy to transfer your emotions to your ex without even meaning to!

How about the friend you were with when you spotted your H and his 'pal'? Would it be possible to crash at hers for a week or so, at least you'd have a friendly shoulder to get drunk cry on.

nothings happening with the ex, he has his own heartbreak to deal with and the two of us together would be suicide at the moment.
My friend who was with me has split from her man last year and is currently at her parents!
I have got the weekend to myself as dh and dd are going to his parents so I am off out tonight and Ive got a couple of chick flicks recorded on V+ and I am going to have a weekend in my own home in peace.
the last thing I want in the world is to divorce but counselling etc, I think we have tried that and just about everything else, I am tied now and I do want to separate but actually doing it is

LL - if you are on your own this weekend, can you use that time to try and sort a few things out? Find out what benefits you might be entitled to etc, arrange an appt with a solicitor - you can get a half hour free appointment, you don't need to DO anything but you can go and just discuss what your options might be in the future if you decide to take the separation further. Actually separating might be but surely its better than carrying on as if everything is hunky-dory?

Is there another friend you can go and stay with for a few days while you get things arranged?

I know you said that you didn't want your DD growing up in a 'broken home', but it is preferable to her having to grow up in a home where Mummy is unhappy.