Im not sure if i want to leave him

[worldgonemad72]

Hi All

I just need to get this off my chest so bear with me if it goes a bit rambly.

Basically met my husband 5 yrs ago, fell totally in love with him and still am, we have a child together and also my dd from my previous marriage.

On the whole our relationship is good, very loving, fun etc but every now and then when he starts drinking he can become quite volitile, the last time we rowed was about 2 yrs ago, he was drunk, trashed the house, pushed me over and scared the life out of me. We talked about his drinking as this does bring out the worst in him and things did improve.

We had a night out with his close friend last night, (1st time since our ds was born - he's 14 months), everything was great while we were out, got back home and sat chatting for a while, his mate decided go up bed (sleeping in my dd room) so we went up aswel, when we got up to our room i closed the door as i didn't want his mate 'hear' anything iykwim, for some reason he got really pissed off with me stormed out of the bedroom, fell downstairs and i could hear things breaking and being thrown about. ive come down this morning (after he had staggered upto bed) to find a couple of glasses smashed, lager left spilt on our living room floor - its soaked into the laminate a bit, empty cans thrown about the room and a couple of holes in the wall.

I just dont know what to do, i really love him but i do feel like im treading on eggshells sometimes, ive got no friends of my own, we own our home so would need to sell it before i could get anywhere else - i couldn't afford the mortgage on my own and i doubt he'd be willing to move out. I haven't got any savings as such and tbh id be too ashamed to talk to my family about it.
I know the alcohol is the main issue but as this doesn't happen often i dont know if im making a big deal of it.

BTW Both my dd and ds were at my mums house last night.

Womens aid has a good website and support line, that's who you need to talk to, they will help you with all the practical aspects of the situation.

As fr leaving him, yes, that would be your priority if what you describe is accurate.

Sorry

I would leave him over this, show him it is not acceptable behaviour.

Yes, make plans to leave and tell him you are absolutely not prepared to put up with this type of behaviour. The only good thing I can say is that because it happens so infrequently it sounds like he is one of those people who just should not drink ever, rather than an out and out bastard.

But I would ask him to leave and not come back until he had taken very definite steps to remedy the situation.

I wonder what his mate thought when he saw the holes in the wall?

they are both still asleep, ive patched the two holes up with some filler. I know you're all right and i should leave, but i just dont know if its the right thing, our ds is only 1 and dotes on him, my dd also loves him. I guess im also worried about the financial side although i do work full time but its not a great wage. Ive been married before but we sort of grew apart so was more of a mutual agreement so if i did leave, i will be divorced twice and have children by 2 different men. I can hear him getting up so will update later. Thanks

I can see how offputting that thought is but it's far better imo to put your hands up to it and say look, I'm in a situation where I am scared of what might happen next time he is in this mood, I am creeping around so as not to rock the boat, and my children will see I am afraid of him, therefore absolutely the only option is to get out, than to say well he isn't like this all the time so it's got to be better than nothing...then watch as things deteriorate which afaik they are almost certain to do.

You are lucky in that you have recognised the red flags before one of you has sustained an injury. It's not definite that you won't, or one of the kids won't, next time.

IMO the ONLY responsible, adult decision you can make is to leave him right now.

Nobody is going to respect you more for staying because it would be putting yourself and your kids at risk.
iyswim

it's a rock and hard place scenario, I know, and you're right there can be an enormous stigma about having made some mistakes in relationships and ended up with multiple fathers etc etc

but it happens and you can only act in the now, and sort out the immediate problem which is the safety of your children and yourself. There is no reason why he can't still be their father and see them a lot. But you need a safe home, where you're not scared and they aren't picking up on the fear and learning this is how a relationship should be.

will be around later if you need to talk or anything x

Hi

Just an update, he got up finally about 5ish, things were very frosty and we managed to talk after the kids had gone bed.
Basically he said he was sorry for scaring me, he wouldn't ever hit me and he has said he will give up drinking.
I dont know if im doing the right thing by staying but i dont want to break up our normally happy home.
Weve talked about how i feel like im treading on eggshells around him sometimes and he says he feels ashamed that he comes across as being volitile. Im just so torn at the moment, do i stick around as he has promised to give up drinking (which in fairness only happens occasionally) and hope that he does or should i go? he has also offered to go see our gp and talk about his anger issues, he's booked an appointment for 2 weeks time. He downstairs with dd watching a film now and you would never guess how he was on saturday night. BTW thanks so much for all your supportive comments, your post Flightattendant actually made me cry. Thank You

Hello!

I'm so glad you came back, I was wondering how you were doing.

It sounds as though he is making all the right noises. Without knowing him, and in the absence of his having made these kinds of promises before and broken them, it is hard to judge whether he means it or not.

I'm not too great at this sort of thing but there are some real experts on here, who might be better placed to advise...it does sound as though he has some deep seated anger issues though and these are very, very hard to break out of once a person has them.

A few sessions of counselling won't cut it - it will take years to unravel what makes him act this way, it's up to you if you are prepared to stick around while (and if, even - big commitment) he goes through this process and sorts it out.

Tbh from what you've described, that's the only way I would even consider staying with a man like this. He has to really, really want to change and be ready to put those years of therapy into it. Otherwise it's just going to be 'sorry until next time' over and over again.

He's pushed you over and broken your wall. I'm not really sure how you are brave enough to wait for the third installment! Thinking of you x

Hi
Yes he does have anger issues from childhood but he's only ever behaved like that when drinking, I feel like im making excuses for him and i really dont want to, i am totally disgusted by how he was on saturday night, luckily it wasn't directed at me, which is the wrong way to view it i suppose.
Ive never been so unsure of our relationship before, the last time this happened i was shocked, my mum got involved and begged me to leave him but i just couldn't put him through more anguish in his life...how can i feel sorry for him???
Ive always imagined us growing old together, having grandkids (hopefully) and enjoying our lives but after saturday im just not sure i can trust him enough not to hurt me despite his promises. I do know that hand on heart he would never hurt our kids.

Oh, sweetheart. I don't know - only you know him that well and it sounds as though you are afraid he won't be able to control himself. That is quite plausible. It's not that he is evil, or anything, but he does have issues and if he isn't able to keep a lid on it, then yes, you are in danger and your kids could be as well...there's no reason why he wouldn't hurt them, if he is past the point of control.

Of course he would never mean to. That doesn't mean he's incapable of it iyswim, however good eharted he is and whatever his intentions, the red mist can take it out of his hands.

It really rings alarm bells when you mention your mother has begged you to leave him. That is someone you need to listen to. Can you imagine how scared she is for you knowing what he is like. And even if he never did hurt the children, your being scared of the man you share your home with is not something they'll not notice, and believe me they will be aware of what went on at the weekend, on some level.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

' but i just couldn't put him through more anguish in his life...how can i feel sorry for him???'

The point is, if it were YOU having these angry outbursts, would you not totally accept, and want your family to distance themselves physically in order to make themselves safe from you?

I know I would. This is your duty to your children, and you can even turn it around so that you would be putting HIM at risk of incredible heartbreak should you allow him to stay in the family home until the day he hurts you in front of your kids, or God forbid, one of them.

You would be protecting him from himself if you stepped in and made him leave BEFORE it gets to that point. And I bet you he would massively respect you for it. My feeling is that you almost are refusing to take responsibility for getting yourself anf children out of this situation, because if you do that, it'll feel like YOUR fault the family is separated, and you don't want to be left holding any of the blame for all this.

Plus it does sound as though he is waiting for you to take control - pushing you and testing you, and each time you accept his sorry, you are extending the bounds of what is acceptable. So now, after Saturday, making holes in the walls is on the list of acceptable.

Do you see what I mean. He might go on upping the ante until you DO make a stand and say right that's enough. Maybe he wants or needs you to do that. The sooner the better imo.

Thanks, after the last time it happened, we went regulary to my mum and dads just so we could all build a 'normal' relationship again,i see my mum everyday still (she does the school run for me) and we all still get together at least once a month. He was beaten and neglected as a child, eventually taken away from his mother and has no contact whatsoever with his parents now (they arnt together now), i know he could never do that to his own child. I do know he had counselling for this when he was younger but obviously he still has an anger problem when the drink takes hold. Thank you so much for your support and if its ok i would like to keep posting updates, for myself if anything, he knows that if i start to feel scared then that will be it for us and i think this has hopefully made him realise that he cannot behave in that way again.

x posted then, Yes i do know what you mean and youre probably right, i dont want to bear the burden of knowing that although i was pushed into it, that it was me that broke our home up. god i keep going backwards and forwards in my head over what i should do.

It is so difficult.
It's Ok - it sounds as though it is only when he is drunk, which gives you a bit of time to make your mind up. I think you should talk to your mum and dad - really ask them what they see from the outside, and what they suggest.

I often got the benefit of my mum's thoughts but dad rarely speaks up, and when I ask him years later he always says 'well, dear you know, we never like to interfere, because we trust you' and I see how if I had ony asked him at the time I wouldn't have put us all throguh it.

Your bloke sounds like he will try, but it's whether that will cut it really. Please do post whenever you need to, I might not always see your posts as it slides off threads I'm on but I hope others will step in and talk you through it if I am not here.

Take care.

Well, I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but personally I don't think two incidents two years apart, neither of which have been aimed at you as an individual, is enough in itself to be a relationship breaker. Especially when everything else appears to be really positive.

He has issues, sure, but you know why they are there (abuse) and also what triggers them (alcohol).

If he is genuine about giving up drinking, then that should be an end to it. You have to be strong and make him realise that you can't and won't put up with that kind of behaviour - personally I would use his poor childhood as a lever to make him realise that he does not want his child brought up in a house with a poor atmosphere.

You could always, if he is likely to be in a situation where drink is involved, take yourself away - stay at your mums etc. You don't have to explain why, just say he was having his mates over and you wanted to bail out.

But also, and REALLY important - you say you have no friends of your own. I think you need to develop interests, and a support network that is all your own - it takes time, sure, but going out to exercise classes or night classes or something that interests you, without your OH would help you develop links of your own, people that you can turn to/stay with/rely on when times are hard.

As an aside, a really close friend of mine has a similar situation where her OH goes of the rails with alcohol. It used to be an annual event (local celebration that always involved an overload of alcohol), but after the last and most serious episode she told him that she could not and would not go through that one more time and stay married to him. That was quite a few years ago now (about 6 or 7?), amd it hasn't happened again. There is hope, it doesn't have to be the end of the relationship. And to be honest, from what you have said, I don't think you want it to be.

Well Jeezypeeps, you said it and too right you should be flamed for saying some of those things, because they are plain wrong.

'the last time we rowed was about 2 yrs ago, he was drunk, trashed the house, pushed me over and scared the life out of me.'

Please tell me how this incident was not aimed at OP 'as an individual'.

I find your assertions that OP ought A) to leave her home and take her children from their home if she anticipates her H is about to have a tantrum and wreck the place, and B) cover up his behaviour to members of her family in direct opposition to your suggestion she obtains more support.

Frankly what you are saying is really, really nuts! And a terrible idea.

I cannot say whether the marriage is worth staying in considering the man has said he will not do this again - it seems the problem has already been discussed once, and promises made and 'things improved' and yet here we are again.

That is up to the OP. But I find your comments quite scarily misgiven.

a) I didn't say she OUGHT to leave her home, just offered it as a possibility
b) I didn't tell her to cover up his behaviour - how can you cover up something that hasn't happened??!!??

Frankly, I think that people jumping in to say 'leave him' is really really nuts. I am not saying don't leave him, obviously it is the ops decision - I am just showing the other side to everything that has already been posted. It can get better, and there is obviously a lot to save, look at the op's header. "I'm not sure if I want to leave him".

I don't get from her post systemic abuse, I get a couple of incidents in five years. Horrible, horrible incidents. But are they worth losing an otherwise good relationship over? Obviously the op isn't convinced, so why are you?

'You could always, if he is likely to be in a situation where drink is involved, take yourself away - stay at your mums etc. You don't have to explain why, just say he was having his mates over and you wanted to bail out.'

How is that not covering for his behaviour? Why would she need to leave the house if there was no danger to herself or her children?

I'm not 'convinced' as you put it. I have repeatedly said that only the OP knows this man well enough to decide whether their relationship is worth saving. I am just pointing out that there is a risk things will worsen, or just not improve, if she stays.

I can understand what you are trying to say in terms of there being room for imperfection in any marriage, but when someone is using physical violence and has now done so twice I think it is fairly clear there is a major problem in someone's ability to control their behaviour, and if he can't control it, he is a danger to the OP.

Surely you can see that.

I have to agree with Jeezypops here.

I have had a few blow up incidents. Am I unloveable? Will I be like this forever? HELL NO! I am seeking help to work out why, its a long process, i'm committed to it. Seems like the OPs DH is too. I also suggest that its not "all talk" like some are- as he had had counselling before and knows what it entails.

He says he doesn't want to drink again. I think that is a big statement and he should be supported to get the right help that he needs to do that. Op is clearly unsure as to what she wants to do, whether to support or walk. There is a risk things might get worse, but theres also a good chance that with the right professional help things will get better, too.

I have to say for someone who has had the history he has had, I'm surprised it is not worse ( unless there is more we dont know?) and kudos to him to wanting to stop a painful ( for you all) and generally bad cycle.

Accepting someone has done a few things wrong, recognises that and wants to change and you support them to change isn't excusing them and it isn't colluding with it. If this was reported as systematic and pervasive abuse, I would take a different view on it.

There is a whole industry of relationship therapists, relate etc, who can help couples iron out these difficulties. They can also help you make the decision to split, if that is what is healthiest.

Good luck worldgonemad2 love from 1foot x

you filled the holes within hours of him making themn - you wanted to cover up quickly - why did you do this?

why didnt you make HIM fill the holes that HE made?

i think it is interesting that - as others suggesting - you "covered up" for him...in this case, literally - he made holes, YOU filled them in for him!

if was your child/teenager - you would make sure they saw what they had done and rectified it. they would ahve to fill the hole, sand it, paint it....knowing they ahd made it... so theywould learn for next time...but you did this, to cover up.... in all senses... ho will he learn if you do this?

if he has issues due to his childhood - then he needs to address them - see if his appt with GP really starts a prgroamme of counselling whatever.

it is terrifying when someone puches holes in walls makes you scared - whatever tehr eason - drink does not jsutify it...the problem is that unless you can really trust him never to drink, you will always have theworry and conern for your and your DCs safety...

doesnt matter is he was "drunk" or "didnt mean it" - when you dead or injured you dead or injured by him...
just takes you or dc to be in wrong place at wrong time when he drunk - that was terrifying thing for me - one second earlier or later and it could have been my son;'s head smashed - not just the door...

hi childhood is his problem to resolve - if it still impacting on him then he needs help.... sure you can support - but you need to make it v clear.... eg for now if he goes out driniing he stays elsewhere.

"As fr leaving him, yes, that would be your priority if what you describe is accurate."

"IMO the ONLY responsible, adult decision you can make is to leave him right now."

But you remain unconvinced?

Look, you can argue semantics if you wish. And you can think I am a dreadful person for giving potential temporary fixes to buy time till she sees how he does, as it does appear that he is taking this seriously. He is going to see his GP for one thing.

I'm not saying it's not awful. But he hasn't harmed her or her children physically and he is remorseful. It is two years since the last episode. If the op thinks this is worth trying to fix (especially given his history) then I think she should be supported in doing that, without pressure from others to leave in the short term.

But hey, your opinion, flighttattendant, is obviously the only one worth listening to (in your opinion anyway...)

Those two quotes were right early on in the thread, Jeezy. Thatw as before OP had spoken to him and he had promised to give up alcohol etc.

I have since said repeatedly that I am unable to decide for her whether she ought to leave.

I haven't attacked you as a poster and have tried to see what you are trying to put across. I have attacked a couple of your suggestions as 'nuts'. But I don't think that justifies your being quite so unpleasant.

I am a (male) recovering alcoholic - ie I know I am an alcoholic and do not drink.

I never did anything close to this.

you are not making too big a deal of this.

Well imo he has had his second chance & blown it.

I would have been out the door this morning with the intention of not returning & would certainly have let him deal with the mess he had made.

In a way you are not helping by covering up-what incentive is there for him to not do it again & "get away with it"?