DH says he hates his life

[hersuit]

Am a bit gutted and also a bit pissed off...

Life isn't easy at the minute, we have a toddler and another on the way and we both work extremely long hours (have our own business). We pay ourselves a pittance so money is really tight. I think this is all pretty normal though, most people I know with small children are tired and skint.

He came home from work yesterday afternoon looking and sounding particularly grumpy. I asked him what was up and he said that he hates his life, he can't be arsed and he just wants to curl up in the corner and die .

He then said, 'Apart from DS'. Later last night when he came back from the evening shift he said he wasn't talking about me but I think he probably is.

Our relationship has been a bit ropey for a while. I haven't really been interested in sex since DS1 was conceived about 2 1/2 years ago. I thought it was just being pregnant then bfing but we ended up going to relate last year. Transpired we both had some issues.

We still aren't back to normal though and I'm pg again. I don't like him touching me at all, apart from back massages. And I hate kissing him, in fact we haven't kissed properly in a long time. The thought makes me juddder.

He's usually really lovely, this is quite out of character. OTOH I am permanently in a bad mood. No wonder he's fed up, eh?

Problem is I don't know what to do really. I can't do anything about our work stress or finances. I also can't physically bring myself to kiss or cuddle. Partly because I know how much he wants sex and I don't want to encourage him or feel under pressure.

Sorry this has turned into a ramble, just needed to get it off my chest.

I don't understand why you would have another child with a man that you can't stand to be touched or be kissed by.

I'm not surprised he's fed up.

You both sound depressed and your dh sexually frustrated tbh.

Why are you so angry? and what's repelling you from holding or touching him?

How did you get along with the issues you both uncovered at Relate? Are they just sitting there, like the elephant in the room, or are you both doing something about them?

Just from your post, I feel very sorry for you both. Your life sounds quite miserable. You shouldn't be married to someone you can't bear to kiss! And he shouldn't be having to suffer such deep rejection, day after day.

It's unclear whether you can fix this; it all depends on whether this part of ongoing relationship work. If it isn't, I think you should offer him the chance to separate.

Maybe it's because I was never a broody woman, but I can never understand women having more children when they are feeling like this - having another child just brings on even more stress and strain. Perhaps your H feels a bit like a baby generator rather than a loved, desired human being?

When we decided to have another child things had been getting much better. Which is why I wonder if my lack of interest is something to do with pregnancy- I only stopped bfing DS1 4 months into this pregnancy so there's never been a total return to normality IYSWIM.

I didn't want him to touch my breasts while I was still bfing, I found it a bit wierd.

Has anyone been like this around the time they had children then got better?

It's definately more my problem than his. He's been very understanding up until now. I think a combination of hating my body, a strict religious upbringing and general intimacy issues mean I'm not comfortable with sex.

Neither of us wants 'out', or at least didn't until now. He's continued to be loving and supportive towards me, he's probably just a bit sick of it.

We can't afford counselling. I think we're both just hoping it will get better.

He doesn't have a stinky cock exactly () but he does have problems with bad breath which is where the kissing issue started in the first place.

It's obviously very sensitive and I never wanted to make him feel bad about it but had to talk to him about it. It also came up in the counselling sessions, I really wasn't being horrible. The counsellor suggested he see the doctor which he has refused to do. I think he thinks it's an excuse which it's really not, it is a problem in itself.

Buy a large bottle of Plax and tell him it's "snogwash"??

You're making me laugh at my miserable situation, thank you.

Unfortunately mouthwash doesn't work- he cleans his teeth and rinses with mouthwash twice a day. I think the problem is his stomach, things aren't good the other end either...

This could have been me posting this after having kids! I've now been split from h for almost 12 months and my kids are 7 and 4. Yes i fancy other men more than him. Yes I've had a couple of flings since we split up (not easy when you've got young kids) and have had some great sex. But I'd give anything to go back and make it work. I'm currently at the stage where I've decided i don't want a man in my life, i want to enjoy my time with the kids while they're young, and it's so hard to start a new relationship and work full time whilst being there fully for the kids.

I was like you - strict religious upbringing, working hard, feeling grumpy a lot. If i could go back i'd live a simpler life, de-stress, make time for each other and watch lots of porn . One of the big reasons h ended up having an affair is that we only had sex once a month

It's really hard sharing your space with someone and bringing up kids but i really hope you can make it work.

Thanks all.

I feel pretty shit about it all. I don't want him to be miserable.

There's just no space to work anything out at the minute. Hopefully we'll survive it.

I'm a bit worried about the stinky tummy thing, hersuit. Actually, no, make that VERY worried. It can be a symptom of something serious.
Is he scared to go to the doctor, in case it is serious? It could also be a simpler problem, like the beginnings of an ulcer (easily treated these days).

agree with grace - get him to the GP, get a full medical for him both ends...

could be depression causing phsyical symptoms, could be physical illness causing depression.

The relate counsellor said the same thing but he doesn't want to know.

He hates me right now after our evening working together so I don't think now is a good time to bring it up.

Thanks though, I will mention it again when things have calmed down.

so sad - I'm assuming you don't actually want to split up?

He must go and get a check - and if that doesn't show anything up, try getting him to eat live yoghurt daily and drink more water. Dehydration can cause dragonbreath (DH has shocking bad breath if he doesn't drink enough water). I put DH onto live yoghurts daily because his other end was absolutely poisonous - it did help a lot, but what made the biggest difference was DH giving up the beer.

And you - why are you in a mood all the time? is it just hormones, did you suffer from PMT before you were pg? Are you taking a decent pg supplement, because reduction in some vits/ minerals (which can happen in pg because the baby gets first dibs on them) can cause low mood and low libido.

You do need to show him some affection at least - cuddles are very important in showing him that you do actually still love him (assuming you do) - just have clear boundaries about what the cuddles mean (i.e. they are not an automatic lead-in to sex).

No, don't want to split up. Am up and down about that, mainly because I think his life with me is a bit miserable and he deserves better.

I used to be on more of an even keel about it when on ADs but stopped them 4 years ago.

Have been in love one minute, not really sure the next, ever since. I don't really trust my feelings IYSWIM, I think my mind plays tricks on me. Or maybe I just dont want to admit this was all a terrible mistake

I think I'm in a bad mood all the time because I'm knackered, stressed, anxious and a bit depressed.

Also because I'm a bit selfish. I need to stop being such a teenager and thinking it's fine to act out my stresses all the time. Said to him this morning that I'm sorry and we need to talk. We'll see what that brings.

Why don't you want to split up!? fgs! you can't stand him to touch you! your sex life is terrible. He hates his life! You're in a bad mood all the time!!

THE PAir of you should split up, he (maybe both of you) should go on anti-depressants. If you're no longer together then you won't have to kiss him (judder) and he can't blame you for his depression. YOu'll both be responsible for your own happiness.

I'm a single parent to two children and it's a lot easier when you're not trying to breath life into a dying relationship and choking on resentment... This breaks the laws of physics, but it can be easier to do everything on your own when you're free from the dark cloud of a dysfunctional relationship. At the moment you're sapping the life out of each other.

Magalyxyz - wow, that's an interesting opinion. Surely the fact that they will have two children together is a really good reason not to say 'the pair of you should split up'?

Good luck, Hersuit, hope you work things out.

It could be a phase, or it could be the end of the relationship. Hard to tell. I do think babies and breastfeeding put huge strains on a couple's relationship, especially their sex life. Much more than you realise. Studies show that couples with children are unhappier than couples without children Then you've got the business stress. There's no abuse as far as I can see, so it might be worth just waiting it out and see what happens...

"One of the big reasons h ended up having an affair is that we only had sex once a month "

I think that's a shit excuse to have an affair.

Sakura: NO it's not a bad reason to have an affair, if your partner is refusing sex and refusing to address that the lack of sex is a problem.
ANother reason affairs are often a good thing is they actaully get people out of dead or dying relationships.

But you break up first, surely? It's the lack of integrity about an affair that gets me, not the need for sex; I can understand that part.

I mean, in order to have an affair you have to lie. I don't believe in lying, I think it's immature and wrong.

I agree with you Sakura - it is a crap reason for having an affair and it constantly amazes me that deceit and lying are promoted as a good thing, as if two wrongs make a right.

And actually, people would often be better off being on their own for a while if they are exiting an abusive relationship.

Having an affair for this reason is actually a punitive act, except the deceived party doesn't know they are being punished. It is also an unethical and potentially exploitative way of treating the affair partner, who is being used to prop up the sexless marriage.

If a partner is refusing to have sex and to deal with the issue, then we all have a choice. We either put up or ship out, but either way, our partner needs to know what our decision is. A secret affair hides a decision.