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Original poster

Ex dp has "gone off on one". . . again.

29 replies

maltesers · 18/06/2010 13:49

My Ex DP and i try to get on for the sake of our son. Ex can be very domineering and a bully in the past . I left him 4 yrs ago, because he was mentally abusive and aggressive towards me.
All seemed to be agreeable with access for my DS until yesterday. He texted me asking to have our son tonight, but i reminded him that DS has choir practice as usual till 7.30pm. He then asked if DS could miss it tonight but not giving any real reason. He then added that DS was starting to resent this choir "thing".
I said sorry "I know its tough" , but firmly that DS was going tonight, and that he could collect son in the morning first thing. May a time he has agreed with this in the past. I also pointed out thats its about what DS should be doing not what Ex wants to do.
My Ex got very annoyed saying "fed up with this Shit every week. No alternative. . Maintenance will now reflect my salary for one week !" "And i mean it". "You're a nasty piece of work" (i.e. one fifth of what he is presently giving me)

What ????
I honestly dont know why he "went off on one".
I replied with "Do what you bloody like . DS can stay here this weekend . Your immature threats mean Jackshit !"

He then replied "He'll know in the end !". . . . .
I responded with " I will not be threatened by you or anyone. Go take a running jump"
His retort was :
"Threatened !. . .You have been f...g me around for 5 yrs and its not going to happen anymore. Tell DS what you like, you are the one who is f....g him up".

I told him that whenever he doesnt get his own way we have this from him. I said that he should support his DS with his choir, as he is very good at it. He then swore more and more. I hav not responded.

Not sure what to do now. Especially what to say to my DS is his dad doesnt come to get him tomorrow a.m.
I know to some it may sound immature; but i have been bullied by this man, mentally abused and physically abused by him. He broke my heart and treated very badly. I cannot give in to his impetuous impulsive demands anymore. When i stand up to him he doesnt like it but i am not going to be emotionally blackmailed by him.
Sorry so long a post. How can i put this right for Ds sake ?

OP posts:
Lauriefairycake · 18/06/2010 13:56

I think you could have handled this differently (though of course he's a twat).

You shouldn't be keeping DS away from him this weekend just because he's having a go at you and you shouldn't have engaged with him by text.

You should have stopped after the second text (and not used the word 'tough') but should just have said neutrally "DS has choir, you can collect him as usual in the morning".

Don't engage him again and stick to your arrangements for when he can have him.

You don't need to 'put it right' either - just send him this weekend like normal and don't engage.

And if he arses you about with money go to the CSA.

He sounds like a nasty arsehole.

Original poster
maltesers · 18/06/2010 14:02

Ok thankyou Laurie.
I did e mail earlier in the day to say that . . .when he asked if he could have him Friday night. He obviously didnt read it.

OP posts:
Lauriefairycake · 18/06/2010 14:05

I'm quite sure the utter fucker is trying his best to wind you up

The trick is not to let him and feign an air of distracted nonchalance (I've never had cause to use this word).

Just reply minimally - "he has choir, he will be ready for saturday though" and then say nothing else.

Original poster
maltesers · 18/06/2010 17:14

The annoying "utter fucker" (i dont ever swear on here usually ) has text me asking if he can have him tmorow with no apology for his rudeness and threats.
I have said "Subject to our existing financial arrangements still in place . . ."
He then made huge excuses passing the reason for his fuming onto my DS who he says doesnt enjoy choir. .
He does enjoy it, lots.
God how did i ever get involved with such a twat ???????
He is psychizoid the things he threatens. . .

OP posts:
ChocHobNob · 18/06/2010 17:41

You shouldn't use the money as a bargaining tool for the contact though. They are completely separate. If he plays up with maintenance, go to the CSA. He should be able to see his son tomorrow regardless, as long as he isn't a risk to him.

Could your son have told him he didn't want to go or made a comment which gave the ex the idea he wasn't enjoying it?

Original poster
maltesers · 18/06/2010 17:49

I think DS often says on a Sunday morning he doesnt want to go to choir because the alternative is staying at Dads and playing on the X box. . . which almost any choir boy will choose first. But DS has an amazing voice and he should use it.
All children sometimes want to skip their usual extra curricular activities if they can get away with it. Ds is very musical and i am keen to give him this opportunity of a musical training .
If Ex threatens to stop my maintenance money then i am not going to give into his bullish demands for fear of him stopping them.
Ex DP is Macho. . ."boys dont sing and do ballet . . boys do Rugby and Boxing !!!!" (Billy Elliot)
Sorry i disagree. . .

OP posts:
ChocHobNob · 18/06/2010 17:59

If you obstructed his contact and he went to court for a contact order, then it doesn't matter if he's paying £1000 a month in maintenance or nothing at all, he would get his contact reinstated (unless he was a threat to the child directly). Contact and maintenance are not linked.

Don't engage in the arguments with him. All you had to do was say, "No, he's going to choir as planned and we will be sticking to the contact arrangements as agreed. See you tomorrow." Put your phone on silent and ignore.

Who loses out if you stop your son going to his Dads this weekend out of spite? Your son. It's not his fault his Dad is being an arse and you are arguing with him.

You don't have to give into any demands with his threats for restricting maintenance. You carry on as you are without taking it out on your son (by stopping him seeing his Dad) and you contact the CSA to get them to sort it out.

ChocHobNob · 18/06/2010 18:00

In other words, don't stoop to his level.

Tanga · 18/06/2010 18:15

I don't get the bit about 'maintenance will reflect my salary' - is he paying over the odds?

How old is your son? Are you sure he enjoys choir more than he enjoys seeing his Dad ('cos it does sound just a bit like you are the one that likes him doing it...) I mean if he sees his Dad loads and it is just a few times it clashes, well OK, but how often does he do it? Friday and Sunday night? Does that mean they never get a full weekend together?

ChocHobNob · 18/06/2010 18:19

I was going to comment on that too. Are you sure it's not you pushing him to do the choir and he is expressing his unhappiness to his Dad because he feels like he can't tell you. You say he should do it because he has a good voice and should use it ... that's not really fair on him. If he doesn't want to do it, surely that's up to him unless you have paid for a course of sessions or something?

SolidGoldBrass · 18/06/2010 19:03

Another vote for having a proper chat with your DS about the choir and listening to him, quite irrespective of the fact that your XP is a nob.

TrappedinSuburbia · 18/06/2010 19:03

Agree with Tanga and ChocHobNob, whats more important, time with his dad or choir practise?

ivykaty44 · 18/06/2010 19:14

He wants his son tonight so that they can watch the match together like real men - unfortunately real men don't bully or swear at woman or men

Wait till the morning and see if he turns up as usual

If he does just act as if nothing has happend - if he trys to make a scene, just tell your ds cheerfully of you go now with daddy have a great time - and shut the door.

If he doesn't tune up then leave things until your next visit is due

Write a note explaining maintenece isn't conected with visits and child needs maintenence as usual.

Stay calm and stop reponding keep mouth firmly shut and walk awya - he can't respond for ever to silence and he is baiting you to have a fight so don't let him do this and keep thinking lalalala fuckety fuckety and if you keep saying it in your own mind it really works you can't hear them!

no texts either - not good

ivykaty44 · 18/06/2010 19:20

sorry I disagree with Tanga and ChocHobNob and trapped

It is important that the dc has contact with his NRP and keeps doing normal things - you wouldn't stop a child doing extra activities because it is more important to be with the RP - life goes on and NRP should be included and encourage activities for thie dc even if they don't live with them.

It gets really difficult otherwise for a child to take part in stuff - as there are things at weekends as well as in the week and sometime you may have one session of swimming on a school night and the other at weekend and the child needs to be leading a reality life with the other parent - not a dream oh I only get you at weekdns so you can stay up late and play on e bx and I don't have to parent the same as borning old RP who just does the drudgery stuff in the week.

Sorry rant over but it is crap for NRP to just do the "nice" things

Portofino · 18/06/2010 19:22

"Are you sure it's not you pushing him to do the choir and he is expressing his unhappiness to his Dad because he feels like he can't tell you. You say he should do it because he has a good voice and should use it ... that's not really fair on him. If he doesn't want to do it, surely that's up to him unless you have paid for a course of sessions or something? " I'm with ChocHobNob on this one.

I can on one level understand your DH wanting to watch the footie with his son. If he is THAT kind of bloke, I guess choir practice will go down badly......At the end of the day it has to be what works best for your son. What does HE want to do? The money should not come into this. You are both being a bit unreasonable.

Tanga · 18/06/2010 19:29

If maintenance isn't connected to visits then you can't threaten to withold contact if he threatens to withold/reduce maintenance, then, can you?

Not understanding why it is so terrible that he wants to watch the match with his son? Boys do usually like that sort of thing, after all.

I understand what you are saying about weekends being all the fun stuff, but it doesn't look like this child gets to have a weekend with his Dad ever, and that isn't reasonable.

ivykaty44 · 18/06/2010 19:38

Did the op say it was terrible for a man to watch the football with his son? It was me that said about football...

As for whether this dc has time with his dad - a lot of children go everyother weekend - not every weekend like this child - so there is a lot of contact by the sounds of what is written

ChocHobNob · 18/06/2010 19:38

Ivykate, I never once mentioned that seeing his Dad was more important than his extra curricular activities.

I said that maybe he actually isn't as happy about the choir as OP thinks he is and he has been expressing his feelings to his Dad because he doesn't want to upset his Mum.

I don't know if you just included my name because I had also mentioned the choir, but you're actually not disagreeing with me because I didn't say what you inferred.

ivykaty44 · 18/06/2010 19:49

no trapped did and I said I disagreed with the three of you, can you show me where I quoted you incorrectly please?

ChocHobNob · 18/06/2010 19:51

If it matters, what exactly is it you disagree with me about then?

ivykaty44 · 18/06/2010 19:53

that he has a good voice and should use it - you said that wasn't fair

i disagreed with your view

sorry about that but I don't agree with you

ivykaty44 · 18/06/2010 19:55

that he has a good voice and should use it - you said that wasn't fair

i disagreed with your view

sorry about that but I don't agree with you

ChocHobNob · 18/06/2010 19:56

So you think a child who has a good voice should be forced to join a choir even if they don't want to?

Will definitely agree to disagree.

Portofino · 18/06/2010 20:28

Me either. Life as a chorister is normally short lived unless they REALLY love it.

Tanga · 18/06/2010 20:35

ivykaty - you were the one who mentioned football and I was asking you why you thought that was terrible.

As for how much contact - well we can't really tell that, can we? If he goes to choir every Friday and Sunday and that prevents a full weekend then that doesn't sound like much contact to me.

But we'll have to wait and see if the OP comes back to tell us about the money and the current contact arrangements in this case.