Ex dp has "gone off on one". . . again.

[maltesers]

My Ex DP and i try to get on for the sake of our son. Ex can be very domineering and a bully in the past . I left him 4 yrs ago, because he was mentally abusive and aggressive towards me.
All seemed to be agreeable with access for my DS until yesterday. He texted me asking to have our son tonight, but i reminded him that DS has choir practice as usual till 7.30pm. He then asked if DS could miss it tonight but not giving any real reason. He then added that DS was starting to resent this choir "thing".
I said sorry "I know its tough" , but firmly that DS was going tonight, and that he could collect son in the morning first thing. May a time he has agreed with this in the past. I also pointed out thats its about what DS should be doing not what Ex wants to do.
My Ex got very annoyed saying "fed up with this Shit every week. No alternative. . Maintenance will now reflect my salary for one week !" "And i mean it". "You're a nasty piece of work" (i.e. one fifth of what he is presently giving me)

What ????
I honestly dont know why he "went off on one".
I replied with "Do what you bloody like . DS can stay here this weekend . Your immature threats mean Jackshit !"

He then replied "He'll know in the end !". . . . .
I responded with " I will not be threatened by you or anyone. Go take a running jump"
His retort was :
"Threatened !. . .You have been f...g me around for 5 yrs and its not going to happen anymore. Tell DS what you like, you are the one who is f....g him up".

I told him that whenever he doesnt get his own way we have this from him. I said that he should support his DS with his choir, as he is very good at it. He then swore more and more. I hav not responded.

Not sure what to do now. Especially what to say to my DS is his dad doesnt come to get him tomorrow a.m.
I know to some it may sound immature; but i have been bullied by this man, mentally abused and physically abused by him. He broke my heart and treated very badly. I cannot give in to his impetuous impulsive demands anymore. When i stand up to him he doesnt like it but i am not going to be emotionally blackmailed by him.
Sorry so long a post. How can i put this right for Ds sake ?

choc do you deliberatly miss quote me and mis read me - where did I say force the child to do something - I didn't and neither did you use the word force before your last post - don't put word where they are not

I said I disagreed with you about

"that he has a good voice and should use it - you said that wasn't fair"

nowhere does it say I would force a child to do something and that wasn't what I disagreed with you about.

Please don't do that

Well, I'm confused then, ivykaty - what is your point? If you are saying the child should be allowed to do what he wants, then that is see Dad, isn't it? Because he says he doesn't want to go to choir. Or are you saying that Dad isn't as important as choir, and that extra-curricular activities are more important than seeing a parent?

Thanks for your input everyone. I have let DS go to Dad today. Ex said he is not going to reduce maintenance. Ex did text last night asking what time this morning to collect DS. He came early and DS was all dressed ready for football practice as usual on a Sat a.m. He is with his Dad every weekend so he gets to see him lots.
Ds really does enjoy Choir when he gets there , and he does tell me sometimes he doesnt want to go , especially when the Football is on TV. Any boy would ! I heard him last night singing and he sounded very very good indeed. I asked if he enjoyed it and he said yes and that he had sung a solo. He only goes 1x a week to choir practice unlike some choirs that do 2x or more.
He is at a musical Chorister prep school where music is encouraged and i have been told he is very musical, so i cant let him drop his singing.
His Dad wants to drop him back hear first thing tomorrw for some reason. This is ok by me and i will take him to Sunday morning service to sing.
I just wish when my Ex doesnt get his own way he doesnt threaten such unkind things.
Ex DP digs himself a very deep hole and i think it makes him look stupid. He is very hot headed.
Its all "hot air" I know, but is still very hurtful.

Its good that you can talk to your son about how he's feeling about choir and things. Its probably typical behaviour chopping and changing his mind. But perhaps his Dad did express his thoughts prompted by something your son said to him, as much as its hard not to jump to the worst conclusion (we all do it, don't we?) It might not have been underhand behaviour from the ex, just him passing on something your son has said to him.

Its really petty to threaten changing maintenance because he didn't get his own way but you asked in your first post, how to put it right for ds's sake and that's what I was focusing on. Not stopping him seeing his Dad and trying (as hard as it can be when you're dealing with someone like that) not to stoop to their level and ignore them.

Ivykaty, I'm still none the wiser about what you were disagreeing with me about then. There are a few choices, make the child to do an activity they don't want to or discuss it with them to get to the bottom of their thoughts and feelings and then make a decision based on that and if they state they really don't want to do it, then leave it to them, because making a child do an activity they don't want just because the adult wants it can have a negative affect too. That's what I was suggesting, so again, still confused like Tanga. (And I never mentioned anything about the comparison of how important extra curricular activities are to seeing another parent,)