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Original poster

So he doesn't love me...what the bleeding heck do i do now?!

34 replies

crappitydoodle · 17/06/2010 12:57

I have name changed, think some rl people are on here.

This is a bit of a WWYD?

I have been with my 'd'p for a year, have a lovely 8 week old dd. You can probally guess she wasn't planned but we were both happy about the pregnancy and are besotted with her.

This morning dp told me he doesn't love me. To be fair he hasn't led me on in the past as he has never said he does. But bloody hell his timing! We have just singed the lease on a new flat for 1 year. I could throttle him, why he didn't think to tell me this before is a mystery. It will be v expensive to get out of lease.

He wants us to still take the flat and live together as friends. There are 2 bedrooms so one for him and one for me and dd. I don't think i would have to deal with him bringing back women because he isn't that type of guy. I know he would really struggle if i met anyone else.

I just don't know what to do. In a way his suggestion sounds good as i would get his help with dd (although i think practically speaking i could cope alone). But in reality i think it might just be too hard.

So WWYD? Is this the worst idea ever?

OP posts:
MortaIWombat · 17/06/2010 13:14

How odd. You poor thing. You say he will struggle if you meet someone else. Why do you think this?

Original poster
crappitydoodle · 17/06/2010 14:14

Its hard to explain, but he is a strange guy. he never told his ex he loved her and was with her for 4 years. He then spent 3 years obsessing about her, until he met me.
I asked him how he would feel if i met someone (which is very unlikley anyway) and he said he would find it very hard.

OP posts:
Plumm · 17/06/2010 14:17

Do you love him? If you hadn't got pregnant do you thinK you'd be together?

cyteen · 17/06/2010 14:18

Perhaps he doesn't understand what loving someone is, what it feels like. So he might be unaware of the fact that emotions and responses x, y and z all add up to loving you (or ex-partner, or whatever). If you see what I'm getting at? He might think 'loving someone' = big romantic overblown feelings every day, when actually most of the time it's just bringing someone a cup of tea in bed or instinctively going to them when they're upset.

Or perhaps he's just a nob end who thinks the world revolves around him. Difficult to say really.

SolidGoldBrass · 17/06/2010 14:18

BEar in mind that 'I don't love you but let's live together' may well mean 'I want you to cook for me and do my washing oh and the bulk of the childcare, while I do what I like nd hint occasionally that I might condescend to love you in the future.'

msboogie · 17/06/2010 14:21

what? so he doesn't want what he can have until he can't have it, then he does want it?
eek.

do you love him?

Why don't you try the arrangement and see how it goes?

presumably you will both be too busy looking after your new baby at the moment to be looking for anyone else anyway, if it doesn't work you can make other arrangements in time and if it does it will be great for him and your DD to have the chance to really bond.

Go for it I say. Just set some ground rules at the outset.

Original poster
crappitydoodle · 17/06/2010 14:32

Plumm To be honest i don't know if i love him. It has been bery confusing having dd so quickly, and he is so good with her which makes me love him. But not in the lets stay together forever way IYSWIM.

Cyteen Thats what i thought. I have asked him before what he thinks love is like and he can't awnser. He is one of these people where nothing is ever good enough, and that seems to includes girlfriends.
But the problem is if he doesn't know what love is like, how do i make him understand?

Also he is a bit of a nob end sometimes

OP posts:
Original poster
crappitydoodle · 17/06/2010 14:38

yup msboogie he is one of those grass is greener types.
There will definatly be ground rules. No sex for a start because i'm sure he will try.

The more i think about it the angrier i get. Its just so cowardly, i have asked him so many times and he has just brushed me off. .He could have told me this months ago

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 17/06/2010 14:41

Eek - this brings back memories. I went out with a chap when I was in my twenties who refused to tell me he loved me. We would lie awake many a night debating feelings and the future and the realities of love. When we split up I was heartbroken and we exchanged many, many letters. He met someone else and wrote to tell me, and said that he did not love her either, but then I heard through a mutual friend that she had deliberately got herself pregnant. I think they may still be together, and part of me hopes that he found love for his child. But the truth of the matter is, he was just a nob! He may have had a philisophy degree and thought he was better than everyone else, but he was really just a twat. Do what feels right for you.

AMumInScotland · 17/06/2010 15:14

I think if you decide to go ahead with this you would need to be very careful about the groundrules - the reality is that you are not friends, and will both have to negotiate a new relationship in order to be friends and flatmates instead of in a relationship.

As SGB says, his idea of how this will work may well be along the lines of having his "wife" and child conveniently available for when he fancies domesticity, but his freedom to not have to interact when he doesn't feel like it, come and go as he pleases, look for other women, and generally live a single life.

If you didn't have any connection to him, would that be your ideal flatmate? What house-rules would you put in place to make an arrangement like that work well for you?

I can't help thinking it's a bit odd of him to announce this just after you have taken on the lease together - he's left it long enough to tie you to him, but told you before you move into the new flat, so he can make the nice convenient little arrangement without any argument.

Original poster
crappitydoodle · 17/06/2010 15:14

I don't think its that he thinks he is better than everyone else ExitPursuedByABear Maybe even the opposite. I think he does just have trouble understanding adult relationships.

OP posts:
Original poster
crappitydoodle · 17/06/2010 15:26

AMumInScotland I'm not sure if he would be my ideal flatmate, but he would be someone i could live with quite easily.
As for house rules they would mainly be about him tidying up and such.

I think one of his main problems is his job, he is a professional musician ang nothing is as important to him as that. Its bizarre how worked up he gets about it. And the fact that i don't like the type of music he plays has always been a big, big issue to him

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 17/06/2010 16:07

Ah, a musician.

That explains everything.

SolidGoldBrass · 17/06/2010 16:10

CD: Right. OK. NOthing is as important to him as music, a lot of musicians are like this - and to be fair, if your PG hadn't occurred, you would probably have shrugged and moved on at some point.
I don;t get from your posts that you are desperately in love with him, either, so I think if you can accept that he's not good partner material (obsessives never are) and can agree ground rules ie he dies his share of hosuework & childcare and you get a share of free time once your DD is a bit older.
I think it is very probable that it was in his mind to delay the big revelation to this point because he fancies the idea of having wife and child at home while he does what he wants, but he's either ethical enough, or wants to appear ethical enough, to come clean about the fact that he might not be sexually faithful and doesn't really want a couple relationship anyway.
It might actually work out OK. The thing about a co-parent who isn't actually a total arse and who you are not still yearning after, is a massive amount of free childcare so you can have a social life with no hassles or jealousy.

Original poster
crappitydoodle · 17/06/2010 16:29

SGB if we could get a situation where we can live toghther with no jealousy or resentment it would be fantastic, because i do actually like him. I just think he will find this impossible, because he truly does want what he cant have.

The biggest immediate problem is that we have arranged to go to his parents house this weekend. I have to go, it wouldn't be fair not to as they will have been looking forward seeing dd. I am breast feeding so no question of him going without me, not that i would leave dd for that long anyway. Guess im going to have to just grin and bear it.

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 17/06/2010 16:51

If you can cope on your own, then I'd say move on without him. Perhaps you could take over the lease on the flat and rent out one of the bedrooms to help financially? I think that neither of you think this is forever, so why prolong it. If you do as he wants, you'll resent him, because he's saying really he wants the best of both worlds - a home with you and DD, and the chance to meet someone else. You need to move on I think, and bite the bullet. He might miss you like mad, and then realise what he's got. Sorry, but I'd kick him into touch and put you and DD first - she's way to young to miss him - but what if he stays around for a couple of years, and then goes? Then she'll miss him.

beingsetup · 17/06/2010 17:15

If he didn't tell his ex he loved her then spent 3 years obsessing about her....

Perhaps he did and was scared to say it?

It might be that you have just signed a lease which sounds like commitment and he is SCARED of commitment so he's doing it as a reaction?

Could be wrong I usally am which is why Im so bad at relationships..

lifeinlimbo · 17/06/2010 17:46

I wouldnt go to all the trouble of visiting his parents if youre not even together. AND youve got a new baby, and probably enough to do without hiking across to wherever it is.

Cant they come and visit you if they want to see dd?

I wouldnt stay friends with him either, he's being a prat (dont encourage him!). Just be cool with him, like he's some distant aquaintance. Cant he move out? can you afford it? he's going to have to pay child maintenance right? He's signed the contract too- you might want to find out what that means financially, and get some advice from the Citizens advice bureau.

Living with him would be a total nightmare, hes trying to have his cake and eat it, the prat. You better show him some consequences otherwise he'll only get worse!

KerryMumbles · 17/06/2010 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PotPourri · 17/06/2010 18:18

Sounds daft to me. You're either a family or not. He says not. So as far as I am concerned, that's that. Just get out of the lease if you can't afford it yourself - hang the cost. Keep it amicable, but seriously, trying to be flatmates when you are not sounds like madness!!!

PotPourri · 17/06/2010 18:19

Oh, and just tell him to tell his parents that you have split so won't be coming, but they are welcome to come to you if they like. It's not reasonable for you to go there now - unless you particularly want to

SolidGoldBrass · 17/06/2010 21:15

Whatever happens with him BTW it's good to keep on friendly terms with his parents as they are DD's grandparents and (unless they are vile) will enhance her life and also may be available at times to help you out if GUitar Man is off fiddling with his tuning pegs somewhere and you need a break.

Original poster
crappitydoodle · 17/06/2010 21:40

SGB His parents are a total nightmare. Especially his mum, but i'm going to keep on good terms with them because they are dd's grandparents and she is their only grandchild, also her auntie and uncle still live with them so i would have to cut out all of them really if thats what i wanted. I really have to go and see them because partners grandparents are going to be there too and they are about 105 so can't be travelling to see us.

lifeinlimbo i love your no nonsense approach! I don't want to be too distant from him as i really want him and dd to have a good relationship. He will have to pay child maintenence, which would maybe mean that i could afford the flat by myself. I will get housing benefit too if he isn't there.

Since we spoke this morning he has been back, but we didn't get a chance to talk as dd was having a rough patch (reflux...nightmare!) He will be back later after his gig, guess i'll ask him how he thinks it could work and what the other options are.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 17/06/2010 22:38

Remember to think about what you actually want to happen ie don't just let him tell you what is going to happen and expect you to accept it.
THe thing it probably isn't worth requesting is for him to 'love' you and be a proper partner, as I don't think that's available, but in terms of fairness, practicality etc, don't be the one who makes all the concessions. You didn't plan on DD but she's here and therefore both of you have to make some compromises.

Original poster
crappitydoodle · 17/06/2010 23:02

I don't see that he could be a proper partner. I think that i could probally stay with him for a while but i know i don't want any more children with him or a long term relationship. Best to just cut my losses now while it won't effect dd i suppose.
I think one problem is im finding it hard to go from being single to in a relationship to being a single parent all within a year, and i'm sure he is too.
I am generally quite a doormat so there is a danger of him setting the rules and me just going along with it, i'll have to make sure that doesn't happen.

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