So he doesn't love me...what the bleeding heck do i do now?!

[crappitydoodle]

I have name changed, think some rl people are on here.

This is a bit of a WWYD?

I have been with my 'd'p for a year, have a lovely 8 week old dd. You can probally guess she wasn't planned but we were both happy about the pregnancy and are besotted with her.

This morning dp told me he doesn't love me. To be fair he hasn't led me on in the past as he has never said he does. But bloody hell his timing! We have just singed the lease on a new flat for 1 year. I could throttle him, why he didn't think to tell me this before is a mystery. It will be v expensive to get out of lease.

He wants us to still take the flat and live together as friends. There are 2 bedrooms so one for him and one for me and dd. I don't think i would have to deal with him bringing back women because he isn't that type of guy. I know he would really struggle if i met anyone else.

I just don't know what to do. In a way his suggestion sounds good as i would get his help with dd (although i think practically speaking i could cope alone). But in reality i think it might just be too hard.

So WWYD? Is this the worst idea ever?

You think your're a doormat now, stay with this guy a few years and you'll find out...He's got you sussed and you need to let him know a couple of things like responsibility and respect for the mother of his child before you let him dictate the rules to you. It happened to me and trust me, this setup will not work. Good luck whatever you decide. What about your own parents, can they not help you for a bit?

My parents are quite far away and not in a position to help financially. They would love to but i'm not going to ask as i know they can't afford to.
Looks like i'm stumped, i have no idea how we are going to get out of the lease on this flat

He cancelled your relationship so he should pay the lease expenses.Families cost money and the sooner he gets that into his selfish head, the better.Do you have the option of staying where you are for now?I feel so angry for you, be strong and call his f-ing bluff.

I can't stay where i am, we need to move out in 3 weeks because landlord is selling the flat.

He has at least said we don't need to go to his parents house this weekend. His mum is going to flip.

I suppose i should have seen this coming really. He was never actually horrible to me, just has a general air of 'can't be fucked'. He often seemed to be obsessed with sex, to the point of it being quite disrespectful. The kind of thing where we would just be having a hug and he would whip it out thinking that was going to get him somewhere.

This is the moment to decide, for yourself and for your DD, that you are not going to be a doormat and you are not going to let him wear the trousers here. Just look at your last post "He has said we don't need to..."

It's not for him to decide what you need to do. Even if he were still your partner, it would not be up to him to permit you to not visit his family, like he's doing you a favour. You don't have to have anything to do with his family if you choose not to - if you choose to have contact with them, to let your dd know that side of the family, then that's ok, but he doesn't get to dictate the terms.

I can see that it's been a very complex year for you, and it must be tricky to work out what you want, but this is the best time to decide what that is, and have a plan for working towards it.

I don't know where you stand with the lease - maybe you could speak to someone like CAB and see if they have any advice? If he carried on with the new lease and got someone else in for the second room, could you get your own place? I think you'd be better off with a clean split (though obviously he's still your dds father so there will be lots of contact) because it avoids blurring the edges.

If you do move into the new place with him, make sure you don't take up the job of "wife" - I don't know how you arrange things at the moment, but if you tend to be the domestic one while he goes out to work, then I would say that should really change. And you should be planning to get out of the lease as soon as that can be done without penalty.

It may be possible for ex-partners to share a flat and co-parent without any baggage, but that has to start from a mutually respectful relationship. At the moment he still seems to be treating you as his partner and making decisions for the two of you as though that was his natural right.

This man is inherently selfish, TBH ( a common thing with musicians and artists and certain types of entrepreneur). He's quite happy to have the comforts of a wife&child - visible proof that his willy works, his meals cooked and his washing done for him, but he's not prepared to give anything in return. For your own sanity you need to accept him for what he is - selfish and not to be relied upon and distance yourself from him pyschologically: make decisions according to what's best for you and DD.

Thanks so much guys. You are really making me see that i need to stand my ground and demand respect.

I think i am going to have to move into this new flat for a little while, just while we get things sorted out. I would rather he left than me as i chose the flat especially because it would be good for dd when she gets a bit older. He isn't bothered about where he lives so long as there is room for his piano.

Domestically he isn't too bad, he does cook all of the meals. It annoys me that he can just sit and play his music and "not notice" that there are dirty nappies to be picked up, or a load of washing to go on. But i guess that is normal man behaviour.

He quite often acts like a grumpy teenager (he is 26) which is encouraged by his mother. I am going to make it clear that i don't have to put up with that anymore, if he wants to be grumpy then i'm not going to see it as my duty to make him happy again.

I'm really just finding my feet here, he is the first boyfriend i have lived with so everything about the situation was new and i guess i didn't handle it the best i could of.

It's all a learning experience! But it does get a lot more complex once there is a child to consider - you will always have the connection of both being her parents, so you don't have the option of just saying "This relationship isn't working" and never meeting again. (Well, actually you do, but I think its best for children to know both their parents unless there's something harmful)

You just have to decide what is a fair way of sharing out the chores - the fact that you are female doesn't automatically mean you have to do his washing, or clean up after him, or keep him happy, or do all the childcare. It is only "normal man behaviour" to ignore those things because it is typical "woman behaviour" to let them away with it!

The important thing I think you need to keep in mind is that this is a new, flatmates and friends, relationship. It doesn't have to be modelled on the old relationship, or of any preconceived ideas either of you have about what a woman ought to do round the house or what's ok for a man to expect to get away with.

It's not normal man behaviour to ignore the housework, having a willy doesn't mean one is physically incapable of picking up one's own socks.
It is farily normal muso behaviour to sit playing with oneself one's instrument and be lost to everything else.
I wish you luck, and it is possible that things will turn out OK and your DD have a nice but flaky dad in her life but without you having to constantly indulge and look after that dad.