so what do you do when dh tells youe he feels 'flat' and that you and dc's just arnt enough for him?

[mothersmilk]

as the title says really. Dh came home the other night (iv been sitting on this a few days now) telling me he feels flat and that although he and the children may be enough for me (i have said this in the past) he doesnt think it is enogh for him. i was taken back and didnt know what to say really, things are hard at the mo moneys tight the buissness isnt great and we dont get to go out together loads due to the lack of help from friends and family, when i said this though the retort was that it wasnt the issue, with that i have to say very unlike me with nothing to say or suggest i went to bed. Its now really upset me as we have been together 5 years have 2 beautifull children and have always had this wonderfull relationship we go out seperatly dh more than me but only because im not to fussed and only go out when i want (that makes sense surely) we have always been enough for each other soul-mates. We dont live in each others pockets i no thats not healthy, i am just so shocked at these coments. im always the one who reasons and makes sense of things in our relationship the one who provides the answers sorts the problems puts it all to rights and now im lost.

I don't suppose it's at all helpful to say "kick his arse".

If there isn't another woman in the case I'll eat my hat (not necessarily an affair, maybe just someone he knows which has caused his thoughts to turn in that direction). Still, I guess you have to go through the motions of trying to find out what would spice life up between you, consider Relate etc - with any luck it's just a wake-up call that you've got in a rut. However much you both dote on your children it's easy to become just mummy/daddy, breadwinner/housemaker etc. He's right that there is, or should be, more to life than that.

Is he depressed?

ask him what he suggsts

frighten him: ask him if you should maybe have another baby

how old are the dc? And if going out together more is not the issue, ask him: what is?

Is it sex?

captainwinky i had thought this having suffered myself and have a little knowlage of the subject but i can tell you if he is he will not be told so (he thinks its omething people make up to get time off)
anniegetyourgun i see what you are saying but our relationship is good we have a laugh sex is still fab and um well adventuous but i guess there must be something missing, i have told him to see his mates more or maby join our old pub darts or pool team butr he always says he hasnt got the time (and we havnt really got the mioney) we have our own buissness so can see the time issues but if it made him happy i would find the money for him to do these things

children are 4 and under

exuse my type errors

put the ball in his court. Say ok he finds it flat, what can we do about it?

Ooh, hope he hasn't got some kind of "dream plan" like upping stakes to start a business the other side of the world, or something equally unrealistic. Not that such schemes are inevitably doomed to fail, but they often do, mainly because the participants are so blinded by the dream that they don't plan properly and don't pay enough attention to obstacles.

oh no that has been disscussed and we both no it will never happen unless a lon lost very rich relative leaves us lots of money

Initial thoughts from me are:

Is he depressed do you think? Midlife crisis approaching? Perhaps counseling would help him to discuss his feelings a little? Pehaps he could see his GP for a chat if you think any of these are a possibility if this is the case? But it could be he's just got to a stage in his life and realised everything's not what its crackjed up to be? It must be hard as well if business isn't going very well.

It's good he's being open and not keeping it to himself. Perhaps a few special nights out just the two of you doing things you used to enjoy together, would be good or book a weekend away together and leave the kids with a grandparent? Sort of feed the marriage and breath some life into it? See if that helps at all. He needs to keep sharing with you in a safe environment where you let him talk though, so you can try and work through this. Try not to get upset but keep calm and let him talk, I suspect there's more to come but hear him out and then come back to MN for more advice imo. Perhaps make a meal, break out a bottle of wine, no tv, phones, radio and see where the conversation goes?

I'm not an expert but these are my very rambling thoughts...

x posted with loads of you

Need to learn to type faster!

yes i think your right perhaps a little special attention to us we be good we havnt sat down to a night out-in meal together for ages when we would normally do it atleast once a week

It's perfectly OK for your DH to feel bored and that his current life doesn't stretch him enough. That isn't a reflection on you, necessarily, or on your DCs, but you and he need to work out how he can get additional interest/stimulation into his life.

How long were you together pre-dc?

Was there something he used to do/enjoy that he now doesn't have time for? Any hobbies/activities you used to do together?

People always advise that a couple must make time to do things together after the dc have arrived. Have you been able to do any of that?

Do you ever do anything fun/silly/fascinating together?

if im honest its very hard to do things together minus dc's because no one will babysit dh's brothers and sisters take up all his parents time with childcare and my parents well have better things to do we were paying for babysitters but its just too expensive

Find a good friend and tell her you'll sit for her dc (so she can go out), if she'll sit for yours.

You must find a way to do things together, separate from the dc. Even if it is infrequent.

Someone I respect greatly pointed out to me recently that my relationship with DH is the one that needs the most investment of time and effort, because he is the one that will hopefully be with me for 20 or 30 years after the DDs have grown up and made their own lives.

It's obvious really, but it brought me up short, because it is so easy to think that the children's needs are the most important thing at this point in our lives.

How come his brothers and sisters get priority over childcare? Is it just habit? Are there any other families you know who might be interested in forming a babysitting circle so you all get the chance to go out without money changing hands? It does sound like it's time you made a point of putting some things in the diary that are just for you.

Bonsoir - I agree with you and disagree with Anniegetyourgun.

What you need mothersmilk is for you and DH to sit adown and talk about your hopes, your dreams and what you want in life. Dont inhibit yourself by thinking you cant do something. Get some wine and nice food in, get the DCs shipped off to grandparents. Talk all night until the dawn breaks if necessary. Couples don't do this enough in my view.

You are that dreaded '7 year itch stage'. You have had your DCs, you are married. The excitement wore off and the bills still need paying and DH is thinking: 'is that it then, the same thing for the rest of my life?'

It is not disatisfaction with you, it is disatsfaction with life in general. It is NOT enough for him, that is all he is saying.

I have said it before on other threads so apologise to those that have read me say this before but me and DW constantly try and renew our life together. We do it every 7 years or thereabouts. Change is part of our life plan. We are emigrating to New Zealand next year. We want to go while our DSs are still young enough. They are 8 and 10 now. We know we should have gone 2 years ago but illness intervened. Now we are defintley going, barring unforseen accidents.

I do not for one minute believe your DH is seeing someone else (or even thinking it) but I often wonder if sometimes that happens when people feel life is passing them by.

Dont just settle for you 'being Mum' and him being the 'dependable hubby' routine. Take a risk, live life, dont just wait for death.

It's not unreasonable of him to want more out of life - it is unreasonable of him just to dump on you that his life is unsatisfactory (ie you are not 'good' enough) and then expect you to fix it.
Ask him to talk more about what he does want to add to life - and think about things you might like to try, as well.
It's all to easy to spend your lives doing nothing but chilcare, chores and passive media consumption, and that is a miserable way to live.

i know he is not seeing anyone else but i agrre with what you say beenbeta i think tomorrow is a sit in food wine and talk night we have got a big change comeing up and its not a great on we will have to shut down the buissness and dh will have to find a new job i realise this to is having an effect on dh one that i can only empathise with him as i am in ways seperate from much of it

oh this is all so true but i no feel so terrible for not seeing it all

Agree with the advice already given on here. Def put the ball in his court - what does he want to do? Does he miss having time with you going out and such? Does he need a change in career? My DH and I have been short of money recently and have been through a bit of a rough patch(just general fed-up-ness), but sorted things out and we realised we both felt a bit run down and in a rut - I think alot of people go through that though. We all let things slip sometimes and don't make an effort, but that onus does not rest on you - he has to make an effort too.

mothersmilk - I didnt want to say it but as you said it for me. Yes, shutting down the busines is one thing I think you should definitely be doing i it is losing money. Sometimes, people with their own business forget it is a 'business'. They get too close, it becomes part of them. My Dad did that. Going through that shut down process will be a wrench but also a cleansing.

Just finding a job, any job, to get DH out of the house and meet people and not have to worry about everything will be a relief.

Make sure he explores all apspects of the welfare and benefit system as well, get down the Benefits office, signs on, just to get his NI stamp - even self employed business people are entitled to support if their business shuts down.