Has anyone been together 16 years and split up even though you still love each other?

[tumpty]

Just that really.

Anyone about?

Well I can't say I have, but why would a couple be splitting up when they still love each other? Is it that one or both has some kind of inescapable commitment that makes it geographically impossible for them to continue living together?
Or is it that one has had enough, wants out, and the other one is refusing to accept this?

She has realised that she has been determined to make her relationship work. For years. And at her own expense. She loves her best friend with her whole heart and she always will. She can't bear to bring pain to him and their children. He loves her and will do anything to keep her happy including parting. She feels that ultimately, she might make everyone miserable to keep being determined and not think of herself and her own true feelings.

She doesn't know if she is making the biggest mistake of her life.

Published by Harper Collins at £10.99, and available at all good booksellers.

Glad it has brought some humour to your day. Thanks for that.

SIgh. What's the 'expense'? Did she pack in a career? In which case, after 16 years, she might be too old to be a total success at it if she walks out and starts now.
Or is it that the bloke's a whining, clinging, controlling, passive aggressive parasite, in which case she should call WA.

Let your mind cast itself back to that age-old thought..........if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything.

Its me.
A real person behind the words.
Bit sore right now.
Also more than a little touchy, so perhaps you could kindly nip back out.

Last post was to alexsdad not to you SGB.

No expense.
No career.

His career was going all the way. I hated career. I stopped working and had children, made a home, supported him to grow and grow and grow. He ticked off all the boxes. He loves working, its what he knows and does best. He has made a huge success of himself. And our family has benefited from that. I spent years hoping and begging and resenting not coming first. Then I gave up expecting it. Now, I don't care. He would give up work tomorrow to save us. But I know that would only end up with the pendulum swinging the other way. He loves me and I love him. We are a great team.

But I need someone to take an impromptu day off once in 16 years to spend it with me. Whether it be because I'm ill, tired, its my birthday, we've argued, or just for FUN.

He can't make himself be like that. And I don't want him to try.

As SGB often says - it's not compulsory to be in a couple.

You could try: going to Relate, to work out a way of experiencing your individuality more clearly within your couple relationship; going to counselling yourself, to get a clearer perspective in what it is you want to achieve at this stage in your life, and what you might want to change in order to do this; living apart, without acrimony.

Sounds like an existential crisis - which is fair enough. How dull we would be, if once or twice we didn't lift our heads above the grass and wonder about the shape of our lives between birth and death.

So the issue is he makes no time to spend with you?

another 16 year thing. I just extracated myself from a potential 'thing' with someone who has been married that amount of time.his circs, i am not sure of, in his relationship and it was none of my business either. It's made me see how bloody hard it must be to maintain a marriage. So much expectation, pressure, it sometimes seems so unrealistic to me.I was married for 10 yrs, and was loving the idea of being with my dh till death us do part, but things change, people change.

op, it sounds such a sad situation for you and you family.

animula, I like what you say. Life is and should be about reassessing, how can it not be. Marriage where this doesn't crop up, i mean that don't have a 'god should we still be together crisis' must be very few and far between, and ultimately those couples must be very very compatible, if they can say they are totally happy with one another.

Sorry - I think my post sounded to glib. It wasn't supposed to, I was just typing a bit fast.
I think it's extraordinarily difficult. Coupledom takes on a life of its own, and you can end up quite squashed, and compromised, and a long way from who "you" are in a long-term relationship. But then you have dc, often, and emotional involvement, and loyalty, so ... it's difficult.

Relate might be good at seeing if you can change the way "the couple" works as well, so that you do get things to change to recognise your needs. You may not want to change "him" but remember, what "he" is, at the moment, is partly determined by "the family unit" as a whole, so it may be a question of changing the family dynamic, not just making him undergo a personality re-structuring.

It must be hard, and confusing, and guilt-inducing. But life isn't supposed to be all about one person sacrificing her life for others. there has to be the possibility of stretching, and compromise, and change - including radical change.

I hope I'm not way off here, and coming across as bossy and horrible ... .

Tumpty. Why were you posting in the third person? It's quite a passive-aggressive thing to do, not to own one's own words. As is posting by stealth, creating a bit of drama while the story unfolds....

Hence it makes me wonder whether you are in punitive mode with your H, blaming him for what were your own choices in sacrificing yourself to your relationship and your family?
Do you think there is any part of you (and have people ever said as much) that enjoys being a victim?

Could it be that for 16 years she's been living in a family unit that revolves around him and she's just there to service the household, by any chance? It seems to be very hard to avoid ending up in this position for most women and it might even help to see that this is something political, something socially constructed: Men Come First. Women are there to look after men.
He may well be a nice man, aprt from this little failing of being either unable or unwilling to want to give up the cultural privilege of being the one who matters in the relationship ie being quite happy for her to spend her life in second place because, well, really, that's what women do, isn;t it? That;s what they're for.

Yep - split up for good about a month ago after 17 years.

Still love him to bits. He says he loves me too. Just wasn't working. Relationship was broken and we couldn't fix it. Or rather, he didn't want it enough to try and fix it. Just couldn't be the husband I need.

Devastated. But it's for the best. I can look forward to a happier future now. One in which my partner shows that he wants to be with me as much as I want him.

Agree with whenwillI and dogfish

I only posted in the third person in direct response to SGB, its not how I would usually answer a question. SGB talked in the wider term and I thought she was trying to get her head around the situation and so I used "she" and "he" to help.

In the beginning, he studied constantly, we would go out together after he'd finished. We would have a life after....

Then he worked. It came first.
Then he climbed the career ladder. It came first.
I got a bit fed up and angry at being left to cope with a baby who cried day and night while he worked away 5 days out of 7.
Then it got a bit easier and I loved my life with her. And I missed him.
Ditto two more children.
Career made lots of benefits, great, but always hoped for the smaller stuff.....someone saying "I've been away for almost two weeks, I'm just going to call a halt to the job for one day and run off to the coast with you to chat and read papers while the kids are at school".
I'd get a piece of gorgeous jewellery when I was hoping for a bag of chips and a hug.
I got a bit resentful at being a single mum.
He ran a business from home = more time together.
He worked solidly and being self-employed made him miserable worrying over where the next client was coming from.
He took another job.
I gave up the hope of him loving me the way I needed him to. Tolerated the hours. Hoped I could tootle away like that for ever.

2 years ago, met someone who blew me away. Shared some coffees. Realised we had loads and loads in common. Walked away because I have duty and obligation. 2 years on, still thinking about whether I did the right thing.

Told DP at the weekend. He "just wants what's best for everyone" and "can't imagine not seeing the children every day". Not "my god, I couldn't stand losing you, I love you wholly and will do anything to change this".

I love him. Contrary to how my words look, he does not mean badly. He didn't have an emotional upbringing. Missed that card. He means well and he has worked his socks off to hunt and gather.

But so have I.
And I can't keep standing by because I don't want to hurt anyone.

I need something for me.
And I think I mean I need someone for me.

This hasn't developed quickly.
TBH, I'm on my knees at the moment so if you all start hauling me over coals and analysing my words then i'll just have to step away. I was after some useful advice and experiences.

I wasn't sure from your OP whether you were talking about yourself, a friend or a hypothesis Tumpty, hence very generalised answer.

His actual words were "I don't suppose quitting my job would help".