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Original poster

Should I meet ex-DH's new GF?

36 replies

BEAUTlFUL · 16/06/2010 15:11

DH left here last autumn and is now very happy with his new GF. I have been variously but am now really generally very [happy]. I'm not seeing anyone, but am dating a bit.

Ex-H is really, really keen for me to meet his GF... which is putting me off the idea! They are moving in together soon and will be looking after our DC every other weekend - she has a child too - so I suppose it'd be a good idea. But I'm a bit confoozed. Do I want to? What will I say? What do we talk about? Where? When? What do I wear??! And what if I got all upset, or weird, about things when she was here?

Have any of you met your ex's new GF? And what was it like?

OP posts:
Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 16/06/2010 15:12

Argh! not [happy}, I meant

OP posts:
compo · 16/06/2010 15:13

You poor thing

yes I'd go round for coffee

you need to meet her and her child if your kids are going to spend alternate weekends there

ajandjjmum · 16/06/2010 15:16

What about a brief introduction at a drop off/collection of dc, before arranging anything else?

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 16/06/2010 15:17

Christ, the idea of it is terrifying! And I don't know why! It's all a bit raw still, I suppose, and I really, really don't want to cry or anything. I'm not that upset about losing him, but I cry at absolutely anything and I'd be so embarrassed.

I also really don't want her to think I'm dying to have a look at her, IYKWIM. I would far prefer to seem cool and collected, with some dignity. I'm sure we'd get on, but... well. You know.

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munchkinland · 16/06/2010 15:18

I was just about to sugegst that....start off with a 10 min cuppa and chat all together with the kids when you next drop off. No need to become best buddies

munchkinland · 16/06/2010 15:20

FWIW...My EX-P has never met my DH and we have been together for 5 years.
EXP just doesn't want to and I don't see any need to push it and the need has never arisen for them to meet.

oiteach · 16/06/2010 15:20

I think a brief hello this is xx at pick up or drop off is sufficient. There doesn't need to be a huge event.

If you hit it off then perhaps it will develop into coffee in the future but for now it is fine to be polite but stay a little distant.
Your ex needs to have a little sensitivity, a year is not a huge amount of time.

as long as she will be kind to your children and respectful of you as their mother then it will be fine.

munchkinland · 16/06/2010 15:20

Just trying to say don't feel like you have to if you aren't all that comfortable with it.

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 16/06/2010 15:20

I also won't be able to help comparing myself to her. I just know myself: I won't be able to help it. And I hope she's lovely as I think she'd be a good, long-term bet for the DC as a stepmother... But I also can't help secretly hoping she's revolting, with a strange smell. Isn't that horrible?! Gosh, this is all so messy, emotionally.

I know I'm not being very mature but I thought I'd get all the bad thoughts out here, instead of with her.

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Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 16/06/2010 15:23

I don't know about the drop-off coffee idea, as that will be with ex-H around and really DO NOT want to meet her for the first time with him there too.

There's something about the way he is keen for us to meet that sort of squicks me out. I can't put my finger on it. Like he wants to show her off, or something? I'm sure that's wrong but that's just how it's making me feel. (I could easily be projecting that.)

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booyhoo · 16/06/2010 15:24

take it in small steps at your pace.

i think, long term, it will be better for you all if you are able to get along. dont see her as your ex's new GF. she is another woman just like you, she may be lovely.

agree with others, smile and make small talk at drop-off/collection. if you want to after that then arrange to meet, on your terms. ex might be very happy and in love but he needs to remember that you have feelings too so let him know if you are finding things difficult.

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 16/06/2010 15:28

I agree it'd be better if we got along. I really do agree with that. She has emailed me: she seemed perfectly nice.

The little I know of their relationship (which is obviously none of my business) is so full-on and intense, that I just can't bear the thought of being in the same room as both of them in case they just start shagging on the floor in front of me, or not finishing their sentences because they're just gazing at each other.

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Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 16/06/2010 15:30

I might leave it for as long as possible.

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booyhoo · 16/06/2010 15:31

you would probably find that if they were both there they would be a bit less affectionate than normal towards each other. if they are in anyway sensitive to other people they will know that PDA infront of the ex will not win them any favour. unless she is a cow and wants to make you jealous but she doesn't sound like that if she has made the efort to email you.

booyhoo · 16/06/2010 15:32

effort

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 16/06/2010 15:32

There is an issue that our eldest DS doesn't like her! He says she is bossy and "tries to act like she's my Mum". (He's 7.)

I have mentioned this to ex-H who is all, "But GF isn't like that at all! She's brilliant with him, like Princess Diana and Supernanny all wrapped up into one person!" etc.

Can I do anything to help DS1 and GF get along without actually meeting her? I don't fancy meeting her son, either. I don't know why: I just really, really don't want to.

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alarkaspree · 16/06/2010 15:34

I agree with you, the way he wants to have you meet each other is a little odd. It sounds to me more like he wants to prove how grown up and sensible everybody is being, so he can think, 'aren't I great, my ex and my new partner are best buddies, I have sorted everything out perfectly.'

I agree with everyone else that saying hello when you do pick up/drop off makes more sense, but if you really feel uncomfortable meeting her with him there why not ask him to send her to drop the kids back to you?

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 16/06/2010 15:34

I need an imaginary role-model for this situation. What would Jackie Kennedy do?

I know they won't literally start humping in my eyesight, but you know what I mean. It's still a bit new.

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Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 16/06/2010 15:37

"It sounds to me more like he wants to prove how grown up and sensible everybody is being, so he can think, 'aren't I great, my ex and my new partner are best buddies, I have sorted everything out perfectly.'"

Yes! This! And of course, I'm so contrary and immature that that secretly makes me want o be an unsightly fly in the ointment. Like, I'd want to meet her wearing my wedding dress! (I'm kidding.)

Oh, I dunno. Maybe I'll leave it until it is something I can do without any thought/concern/effort at all.

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 16/06/2010 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

booyhoo · 16/06/2010 15:39

tbh it doesn't sound like you are ready and i dont blame you. a year is not long at all. tell him you dont feel it is the right time.

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 16/06/2010 15:48

I don't want them to think that I can't bear the thought of meeting her, though. I know that's stupid but I don't want to look bovvered. I'd just like to be a bit less... interested in the whole thing, I suppose. A bit more "la la la", light and breezy, before I actually met her.

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booyhoo · 16/06/2010 15:50

i totally understand what you are saying. it is not easy. can you just forget about it and hope he doesn't ask again for a while?

porcamiseria · 16/06/2010 15:51

agree you do NOT have to meet her

you can always say "I dont see the need for us to meet, why do you? If you like her and trust her enough to look after DS, well so do I"

end of

he is your ex you don not have to do jack shit that he wants !

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 16/06/2010 15:52

booyhoo, yes. I'll leave it for as long as possible. Thanks

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