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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my children dont like him

42 replies

chocyorange · 16/06/2010 11:18

been with dp for three years, been hard work since the word go. but have had some good times. I think he quite controlling, doesnt like me going out, moans about my kids, moans about my sons father not having him enough, moans about me working weekends, moans about me not being loving towards him, etc.. good points does a lot of diy around house, helps with housework,cooking food shopping etc. trouble is we have got to the point where my boys ds2 21 ds3 13 dont like him, they sat me down to tell me that he is false, they dont like the way dp talks to them or the looks dp gives them, or the way dp talks to me. feeling worn down for a while now and not sure what to do next, have asked dp to leave in the past but he said he not going anywhere and that he would smash everything up in the house after everything he has done in it. I pay rent, council tax, some food, garage rental, tv license, water we share electric and gas, he pays for sky phone and some food so he says even though it is my home he has contributed to it so he not going anywhere. i am to tired for an argument hate things getting nasty, dont no wheather i should stick with it and not be totally happy or listen to my dcs

OP posts:
fruitshootsandheaves · 16/06/2010 11:21

"he said he not going anywhere and that he would smash everything up in the house after everything he has done in it"

He sounds lovely ...not

I would listen to your children

MarthaQuest · 16/06/2010 11:21

Listen to your sons. Please.

Contact Women's Aid for advice on getting him to leave.

Is his name on the tenancy agreement?

Hullygully · 16/06/2010 11:22

He's an arse.

MarthaQuest · 16/06/2010 11:24

Does he work?

If you do decide to stay with him, I'd also be having a frank discussion with him about getting him to make MUCH more of a contribution towards his living exoenses.

Sod the DIY.Tell him, you'd rather pay someone else to do it-it doesn't give him the moral high ground to sponge off you.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/06/2010 11:26

I don't like him either, and I haven't even met him. Ditch the loser.

QSincognitoErgoSum · 16/06/2010 11:30

If you are renting, you can find yourself another rental, give notice and leave.

There is really no stopping you.

Besides, if he trashes everything, he is trashing your landlords property, and it will be criminial damage, and your landlord can have him arrested.

You are not without options.

Call womans aid.

booyhoo · 16/06/2010 11:32

emm, from what you have written in the OP I dont like him.

he sounds horrible. your sons have obviously been feeling like this for a long time and they feel strongly enough to be able to tell you.

listen to your dcs.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 16/06/2010 11:37

What utterly brave, insightful boys you have. That must have been so hard for them to do. Don't ever under-estimate that, OP. And please don't throw that bravery back in their face by staying with this absolute arse of a man.

He is spoiling the younger ones' childhood and really, so are you for staying with him. Children have no choice in this situation and it's horrible that their living environment has been spoiled in this way.

Put their needs first.

Original poster
chocyorange · 16/06/2010 11:43

he is not on tenancy, my ds2 wont even be in the same room as him,but says its my life and he wont interfere, my ds3 has said that e gives him dirty looks which is true as ive seen him do it. i have been in a violent relationship before and didnt want it again my dp has never laid a finger on me but he has a temper verbally,he doesnt have many friends, and says i shuld want to go out with him and that when your in a relationship you dont need anyone else,and at my age i should not need to go out with my friends. i just feel that whatever i do its wrong he is always critisizing what i do, even down to me putting plants in the garden he said id done that wrong, reading this back i feel so stupid as it does sound so stupid the plant thing but its the little things that niggle away at me

OP posts:
QSincognitoErgoSum · 16/06/2010 11:45

You dont seem very happy with him.
He sound like a controlling and abusive bastard, even if he is not violent.

If the only positive thing you can say about him is that he does not lay a finger on any of you, then that says it all, doesnt it?

You need to get out of this destructive relationship.

Original poster
chocyorange · 16/06/2010 11:51

yes he does work only since november though,he always has a go at people at his work though as he comes home and tells me that his boss is a dick [feel sorry for boss] he tells them if he going to have day off not them authorise annual leave so dont think he will have job much longer. i told him how proud i am of him that he is working hopeing that that would keep him working. he is 9 years younger than me and i think we just see life very differently

OP posts:
Confuzled · 16/06/2010 11:51

Change the locks and tell your landlord you had your bag stolen with keys and a letter with your address on it. Your dipshit of an ex (please God) has no rights at all. Doesn't pay anything much and isn't on the tenancy. If he doesn't accept the fact and kicks off, why, that's what 999 is for.

Don't let this man use you as he is doing, and ruin what is left of your son's childhood. And I agree with the others - your sons are fantastic kids. You have done well to get them that way, please don't ecrew it up now by staying with a user after they have told you how hard it is on them.

He sounds absolutely disgusting, and abusive too. There are more forms than just hitting you. Isolating, bullying and using you for free lodgings while making your kids feel unwelcome in their own home... that's pretty abusive.

LoveBeing34 · 16/06/2010 11:53

You need to listen to your kids, you are ignoring all the signs because he does not hit you. You are not happy and your children are not happy why would you want to stay?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/06/2010 11:58

God, he's horrible.

He moans that your children aren't out of the house more/wants them rid. He's controlling your social life and makes you feel awful for wanting friends. He doesn't pay his way. He criticises everything you do and makes you feel bad. He's threatened to smash up your house if you stand up for yourself.

Your poor brave boys, living in a house where they're watching their mum belittled and insulted and abused, and them not wanted by your partner

Don't let them grow up in this environment. They'll hate it, resent you, and grow up thinking that it's okay to talk to their wives the way your partner talks to you. And you know that's not ok, don't you?

cravingcroissants · 16/06/2010 12:00

You've seen him give your DS who is 13 dirty looks? What a shame that your children are being made to feel uncomfortable in their own home.
Please don't stay with this man.
I grew up living in a house where my mum put up with an abusive and unhappy relationship. She chose to stay with him time and time again and put him before us. They split up years later after we had all left home.
It has affected me and my mum's relationship a lot.

Original poster
chocyorange · 16/06/2010 12:07

reading what u all have said has made me cry something i dont really do, you are all right and I new what i had to do and what i have to do, i am very proud of my boys, there environment is not good. thank u just needed to hear from womens point of view as i thought it was me being in the wrong all the time and that was causing him to behave like he does. my ds3 said he wanted to live with his dad if i didnt get dp out. im going to take action even though im scared of it getting nasty

OP posts:
wannaBe · 16/06/2010 12:08

wait until he is out then pack his stuff and leave it on the driveway and change the locks.

Remotew · 16/06/2010 12:16

That's what abusers do, make you think it's your fault they are like they are. It's not and I'm glad you have realised this. I am speaking from experience. I have preferred to be alone with DD than be in any relationship where I felt I couldn't put her first.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/06/2010 12:23

please do ring women's aid. He's already threatened you if you make him leave - you need some practical advice about how to go about it.

Good luck. You've left a violent man before, you can do this too.

Original poster
chocyorange · 16/06/2010 12:33

i will ring womens aid, do you think im doing something wrong that i keep getting into wrong relationships. just wanted to say that two months ago i was at hairdressers when i got a text from my ds3 telling me to come home as dp had told him he was going to knock him the fuck out. I feel so guilty that i have put my ds through this and cant believe i have aloud him to still be here. I had to share this info to realize what sort of shit mother ive been. things are going to change

OP posts:
Original poster
chocyorange · 16/06/2010 12:38

omg sorry prob should not swear on here

OP posts:
MarthaQuest · 16/06/2010 13:16

A good idea, if at all possible would be to pack his stuff, leavit it outside eTC AND then to take you and your kids off somewhere for a few days, just so he can't try and talk you round, and so he gets the message loud and clear before you have to see him again-hopefully you won't

Good luck, thinknig of you x

cestlavielife · 16/06/2010 13:36

"that he would smash everything up in the house " - look you waking up to the fact he is ahorrible abusive man using threats to control you. speak to womens aid and police dometic violence unit and get rid.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/06/2010 13:38

You can swear as much as you like, by the way.

FabIsGettingFit · 16/06/2010 13:38

I can't believe you are considering not listening to your children .

My mother put herself and her men before me for 100% of the time. I will never forgive her.

You need to finish this relationship right now.

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