parents /children ,power /control

[violetqueen]

My mother is a very strong character - for example she let her sil miss her husbands ( my mums brother ) last breath because she's never liked sil.
Anyway - mother is 90 ,now in hospital having hip replacement .
Although upset for her ,I was also feeling slightly relieved in that at last the " balance of power " had shifted blush
Dreaming of giving her place a clean ,getting her to cooperate about taking meds GP has prescribed.
I'm just back from hospital and feeling low because mother has seen social worker etc this am and she's told them she can cope ,I'm not to be involved etc
Hard to explain but she does need help ( I know this because I supply loads ) and it would be less stressful if I could have some say in the arrangements for her care.
Feel we ( mum and me ) should be working as a team .As it is she has a very unrealistic attitude about what she can do and while I completely recognise that this = independance ,strength of will ,it's so hard be helping her when its all on her terms .
And yes I know that sounds selfish .
Any advice ,comments ?

Leave her to it. Express your concerns to social worker, if you like. They may be able to arrange a panic button for her and/or pop by more frequently.

I understand how you may have hoped for her to become depedent on you (or admit dependence) but try to interrogate your desire. In hoping that your mother's frailty would lead to her ceding power to you, what were you really thinking? From what you've said about her stern character, she would literally rather die than cede power. Mine's the same - not stern, but the control thing's identical.

I've more to say but you might not want it. Please have a think! You can always ring her every evening, to make sure she hasn't left a pan burning or anything.

Violet as an Ex- SW I would also say leave her to it.

If she wants to cut you out of caring for her, then let her.

Her SW will be able to identify that she needs care ( and she will have to pay for it, in many cases).

In all cases of ageing parents there is a power dynamic to do with caring for/being cared for.
In open, communicative and positive families this can be done sensitively. In many other families it is hideously painful for all involved.

It sounds to me like there is a real history of not providing care( her to you) I wonder if there might be an aspect here of her not wanting to see what real care is like as Grace says. There may also be a desire for you not to see if through to the end in case of any "difficult" conversations that she might be forced into having and she doesnt want to. ( speaks the voice of experience)

I also sense that you would like her to be grateful or thankful to you for the care that you have so far provided, and this isnt forthcoming.

Also interesting about how you say it would be less stressful if you were involved in the care planning- less stressful for whom? I have to say,careful how control is meted out here, if you want to make choices over how care is supplied (or even where) that isn't your choice to make. It seems your input is making your mum stressed for whatever reason
"it's so hard be helping her when its all on her terms" She doesn't want your help- of course it will be hard- there is a battle of wills there that needn't occur.
God forbid you interfere and get it wrong. (!!) Seriously. Dont bother! As long as she is of sound mind ( and the medics and SW will pick up on this) Personally Id leave her to it.

Good luck from 1foot xx

Thanks guys - good advice in what you're saying .
I do realise that you're right - had already came to more or less same conclusions but it's good to have confirmation ,hear other people's perspective .