Anyone got a good relationship with their (cheating) ex?

[greeneyes747]

In a nutshell, was with ex for 20+ years, married for 15. 2 kids - 11 and 13. Split 4 months ago after he cheated for the 2nd time. He's living nearby, the kids spend half the time with him.

Even though he cheated, I want things to be ok between us for the kids sake (if it was just me, I'd gouge his eyes out). So things are pleasant and even friendly - we had some money things to sort out last week so he came by for tea and we talked for a while over a couple of beers.

Is this just too weird? I DON'T want to get back with him, I feel like he's kind of a friend more than he is my ex husband (maybe that was part of the problem).

Thing is, I don't know anyone who still has a good relationship with their ex. Can it ever work?

I think you sound very civilised and i wouldn't underestimate how much it must mean to your children that you are able to be pleasant with each other.

Good for you!

Good for you !

This is no more weird than ex-partners trying to fucking kill each other

That always strikes me as very sad...the people who professed to love and care for each other suddenly become sworn enemies...it doesn't make any sense !! (except in cases of abuse etc)

Keep it up.

I've known several who had as good a relationship with their ex. Both had even found new partners and husbands and it was all like this.

You're over him.

Yes it can work provided you both want it to, you are both reasonably dependable and you have clear boundaries. It will make your life a lot easier if things can be kept civil as the discussion will allow compromises and agreements to be worked out.

And as moondog says it's hugely beneficial for your children. If you get on with your ex then they won't feel that they have to choose between you for where their loyalties lie.

You should (both) feel proud of yourselves for approaching this in such a mature manner. I'd love to be in a similar situation with my ex.

Thanks for all your support - I felt like I was some kind of freak / weakling because everyone else who has split seems to have a really crap relationship with their ex.

I hope I'm doing the best for the children, after all they come first in my life.

And expatinscotland, I think you're right - I'm over him!!! Thanks That's made me feel a whole lot better

Good on you. You should run classes !

your name is really noT funny are you BOF?

WELL DONE OP.

Good for you! Making a good co-parent relationship is a brilliant thing to do, both for your DC and yourself. It's not compulsory to spit the dummy when you get dumped and spend the rest of your life sulking about it.

I sort of have a good relationship but purely for the sake of the children. He comes to visit, coming today in fact and bringing cake for DD's birthday tea. As to what we are going to do for xmas I've no idea but I wont be sending him a birthday card or going out with him on Father's day as he didn't do that for me. OW and I share a birthday (I know!) but I'm booking the time off for that and going on holiday . As OW doesn't want to meet the children (the older two NEVER want to meet her either), she'll have to spend her birthday without her beloved.

I think what you're doing is great - so good for the kids. Definitely worth aspiring to. I'd say my ex and I manage it most of the time. But - and this is a big but for me - I'm doing it for my son. On the inside, I still fantasise every now and then about my ex having an unfortunate accident.

He was repeatedly unfaithful, including (I found out towards the end of our relationship) with prostitutes. He started dating one, before we finally split up. And spent obscene amounts of our money. And put me down a lot over the 10 years we were together, and so - as much as I love DS and I'm a grown-up and I know being friendly and cooperative with my ex is the right thing to do - it feels counter-intuitive a lot of the time. I feel that, for my mental health, I should be having next to nothing to do with him. Spending time with him reminds me of all my worst tendencies. I worry that I'm teaching DS that we must be nice and friendly to people who massively overstep our boundaries and hurt us, but I guess that's a risk worth taking for the hostility-free childhood he's enjoying, with plenty of happy times with both parents.

We've done days out with DS, and manage Christmas and birthdays and family get-togethers fine. But I would say it isn't easy, IYSWIM - at least, not all the time. It's something I've decided to do and work hard at, but it hurts/is uncomfortable sometimes, TBH, and every now and then I lose my cool and have a rant.

Bit of a ramble. In short, good for you, but I don't think everyone who doesn't manage to be so civil to their ex is automatically immature, sulking, etc.

Er, I am not mjinhiding, btw.

OP I admire you. You are further on with your post break-up relationship than I am.

I cannot bear to be in the same room as my H, at the moment.

He comes across as arrogant and smug whenever I see him, 'the big I am' IYKWIM.

I don't want him back, nor do I think he would ever want to come back, he is very smitten with OW.

I hope that one day I will be able to tell him how much our marriage meant to me and that it wasn't all bad and nor is he. I am sure DC would appreciate that too.

Well done, you are handling things really well.

How refreshing!

I split with my xh 10 years ago, we got together far too young and had DS and DD1, I eventually realised that he was abusive and when he said he should move out, I said 'OK, go', then it all came out he was unfaithful etc. I went through a few years of extreme pain but remained close with his family - I divorced him, not them, so why should other relationships suffer because of him? Also, I didn't want the DC's to go without important people in their lives because of him. He went on to be unfaithful to the gf in the end and we are actually really close friends now - when they split, we already got on, and sat down and revealed him for what he was: a liar!!!!

So, fast forward to present day... We are all really good friends much to my mums annoyance (she just doesn't understand). If I never saw him again I wouldn't bat an eyelid, but I get on with his current fiance and they've had a little girl who comes round to play with DD1. The DC's feel comfortable with all of us around and I'm still extremely close with his sister and mum. He father died recently and it was a really difficult time - I often wonder if those who don't know our sitation at the funeral were wondering what on earth was going on, especially when I gave his fiance a hug lol!

We manage to discuss things like birthdays and christmas easily, although he does waffle on sometimes! I used to be a doormat when we were together, but now I'm a different person and I don't put up with his shit. He has grown up and that's good for him but I think he may be a little bit scared of me now, which is good!!!

We all grew up in the same area and he and DH knew each other years ago - if he has a problem with his computer he sometimes asks DH to help which he does and sometimes stays for a cuppa. He knows I think he's a prick but the important thing is the kids really (who have seen him for what he is). Saying that, he's not a bad dad to them at all...

I'm rambling now, but just wanted to say you're not alone and I wish I could show this to my mum as she has a big problem with how friendly we all are

Yes and it's very good for the kids. I would say you're strong not weak.

As a child of an extremely acrimonious divorce, I give you a massive thumbs up and think you should be very proud of yourself.

Yes it is possible and much the best way IMO even if there has been a break down of trust (as there was with me). Acrimony just wastes so much energy which is better channelled elsewhere. Always important to remember that split is with exP/H and not with the DC and it must be made as easy as possible for them to see the other parent. I have very amicable relationship with exP (we still give each other presents, help each other out if we can, share part of Christmas, celebrate DD's birthday together). I know this is why DD is happy despite her parents separating. Also think that it probably can only be achieved when both parents happy in new, separate lives with no need to harp on about the past (or wish to retaliate by making each other's lives as difficult as possible). Well done - I'm sure it's more common than most believe, just because the 'good news' stories are not as widely broadcast.

Beat it, mj

No no no- sunshine is just a huge fan of Michael Jackson and gets irate if he is maligned. And I get it in the neck if I tease her about it. I think you are an innocent bystander in this scenario, mj- don't worry.

Well done you for keeping it civil.

I am separated from my DH( although there was NO cheating on either side so maybe that makes a massive difference)

We have two children and and we still do things together as a family,

I have a new DP now as well.